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Sister having 11 year long term affair

Bestthing posted 5/12/2019 06:33 AM

I know what everyone is going to say. I just want to vent. I really wish I donít have to lose my favorite sister over this affair. I found out today that my sister took her PA underground after BW found out a year into the affair. They have been in contact everyday for the past 11 years. They tried to stop but couldnít. They were unrequited lovers in their past lives. There was an emotional bond at first sight. Her H is emotionally barren. Their plan is to be together when my brother in law dies or when his children grow up. It is not an affair; they are just friends who talk everyday. I am the one with the problem because I always see things in black and white. I am too logical because life is complicated and messy. His wife doesnít know because she is not tech savvy. She canít get a divorce because her H will have a mental breakdown and he is too kind for her to hurt. NOTHING I said went through to her. 11 years later she is still in the fog. How can fog last that long? How can she not be eaten up by guilt? She and her H lived in different cities for years. It may be a ďkeep it respectfulĒ unspoken arrangement, and I am forcing them to speak about it. BIL doesnít want to talk to me beyond pleasantries. I donít think he wants to face reality. Actually I just want them to get a divorce. It turns out she asked him for one, and he responded my calling my father even though they were at the same house at the time. My sister is right that BIL May have a nervous breakdown if she brings up divorce again.

I just want to say that I am saddened by how helpless everyone feels. Sister truly believes that she and her AP parted in the courtyard in their last lives for him to go to war. She waited for him and he never came back. She died a lonely, bitter and mean person even though she was rich. A nurse took pity on her and sat by her while she died regretful in the hospital. Her H was her step father in another past life. There is no way that psychological arguments can beat a religious one. Seen in her way, the whole things sound inevitable!

I have been changed by my Hís LTA. I truly feel for BS on the forum whose WS had decade(s) long affair with the same AP and plans to move in. When I read those stories, I imagine such weak, selfish WS. Now my own sister is one of them.

bookworm19 posted 5/12/2019 06:51 AM

I'm so sorry, you are in a very sad and awkward position. I'm sorry for not being much of a help, but maybe the should wait for the next life, to be together, waiting for her husband to die is one of the most terrible things they could think. What will be the next step if he is not "going" fast enough? Maybe somebody should burst their stupid bubble they seem to live in. This made me so sad. It's especially hard because she is your sister. You can not but take it personally I guess, after being cheated on. This is really sad
A big warm hug from me, I'm not wise enough to offer something else

sewardak posted 5/12/2019 07:24 AM

Gently, why not tell his wife?

Bestthing posted 5/12/2019 08:13 AM

Bookworm, thank you for understanding how I feel. Sister has premonition that she is going to die soon and suddenly. She is very low key and non dramatic about it. Maybe she is resigned to being with him in her next life. I am going to tell her that the next life will also be suffering if she doesnít take care of their karmic bond now. Face the issue, learn from it, and sever the bond. Sister is right. I am seeing things in black and white now.

Sewardak, Sister lives in another country for many years without Facebook. I donít even know in which country her AP lives yet. The best I can do is share what I learned about infidelity with her. She of course thinks I need to stop harping on my Hís past and just move toward the future with him. It is good advice to a certain extent. Listening to my sister may help me see my Hís APs as insane humans again and not give them super villain powers. It just adds to the feeling that no one is safe, and I donít feel safe. May be I need to achieve ďI donít care if I am cheated on because I am fine losing a cheaterĒ attitude.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/12/2019 08:47 AM

Sounds a bit crazy to me. Past lives? Ooookaaaay

Your BIL knows, but won't talk about it? What about enlisting your dad to talk to both of them? Could that help?

I would have to pretty much cut my sister off for something like that. I would tell her just how contemptuous her behavior is and walk away.

Disgusting, selfish, entitled behavior.

Tallgirl posted 5/12/2019 21:28 PM

This is a bit of a different situation - there is a belief system I donít align with, so I think focusing on this life makes it easier.

If your sister and BIL are ok with their marital situation, is there a problem? Maybe he knows and is ok with it. It sounds like they are living in different cities which doesnít build intimacy.

I would probably keep sharing what I learned and the incredible pain from being a victim of an A with her. Ask her for her understanding and empathy. Maybe she will be able to relate it to her life. It may open. The conversation.

This is a difficult situation.

Bestthing posted 5/12/2019 21:50 PM

Cocoplus, affairs are crazy acts. People in them for a long time drive themselves insane!

Tall girl, I am with you about focusing on this life. In this life, the AP is married to someone else, and the OBS is not aware of his infidelity. Who knows what my BIL thinks. He is the nervous type and wonít open himself up for discussion. I think I will have to keep my distance from sister for a few days to get my bearings.

Carissima posted 5/13/2019 02:17 AM

I'm sorry but I'm going to sound harsh, I know you don't want to lose your sister but you're getting perilously close to condoning a 12 LTA by calling it a different belief system!
You were almost destroyed by your WH's cheating, can you imagine what this OBS will go through if you BIL does die or her WH decided to leave when her children are grown. Maybe she will be completely blindsided if she didn't know anything about the original PA. I know you can't do anything about her but ask yourself if it really your BIL or your sister you are protecting by not finding out if he knows about the 11yr continued PA.
As for your sister perhaps remind her about karma and the harm fine to others, specifically the OBS. Personally I find this twin flame this self indulgent nonsense people feed themselves so they feel better about hurting others in their pursuit of happiness.
I'm sorry about being so blunt, it was truly not my intention to hurt you but this is one subject that ears at me.

bookworm19 posted 5/13/2019 02:51 AM

Karma has its ways (especially if you believe in it). As far as I can tell, you are actually doing great, reading this:

Sister has premonition that she is going to die soon and suddenly. She is very low key and non dramatic about it. Maybe she is resigned to being with him in her next life. I am going to tell her that the next life will also be suffering if she doesnít take care of their karmic bond now. Face the issue, learn from it, and sever the bond. Sister is right. I am seeing things in black and white now.

First question: do you suspect your sister is suicidal? I read somewhere, that "suicide does not inevitably, necessarily, create karma. What may happen sometimes, is that a pattern develops where you begin acquiring the pattern of 'bailing out', so to speak, when circumstances become too difficult to bear".

And no, your sister is not right, you actually DO see a lot of colors, not just black and white. If you would see every just black/white you wouldn't be here asking for advice, trying to understand and help her. You do see a lot of colors, it's actually her with the resignation and karma and soulmate stuff that ist caught up in black/white world.
Of course, only my opinion

Girl123 posted 5/13/2019 03:15 AM

I'm sorry for your situation. I don't want to discuss religion but I would like to give you another perspective. I believe in reincarnation as well. The bottom line is that we came here to improve ourselves in each life. We don't hope to improve in the next one, this one could be the last. You could tell your sister about the consequences of her behavior once she isn't here anymore. I heard many stories about soul mates that find themselves married to other people, the right thing to do was to stay married until both spouses died but there was no affair, maybe a friendship. The sacrifice was to wait and do the right thing. Nowadays with divorce being available, it changed a little.

If your BIL doesn't want to do anything about it, it's also his right. You can't force someone to behave the same way as you. I think in the end you will have to choose if it's something you can put a side or not to have a relationship with your sister. About the black and white thing, there is a different type of relationship to every person, clearly your BIL doesn't want to change his. The victim would be OBS, but we don't really know what's going on, are you sure she doesn't suspect anything? She could be dealing the same as your BIL, I don't know.

Good luck!

Cooley2here posted 5/13/2019 07:38 AM

I have so many questions. Why canít your sister get a divorce if she is unhappy? How did she meet the OM? Where do all these people live? Has your sister told you his name and where he lives. You can use lots of internet sites to find him and his wife. You can pay a PI and get the info. Then tell the OBS

Your sister seems to be living in an alternate universe.

Bestthing posted 5/14/2019 17:49 PM

Sister cannot get a divorce because BIL would not talk about the marriage. She and her AP are waiting it out to be together which to me is an affair. I donít know if they are still physical. OBS found out about them a year into the affair, so she is aware of Sisterís existence. OBS could very well be doing what BIL is doing. Mistresses are common occurrences in Asia.

I can discuss karma with Sister, but I doubt she would divulge too much about his identity now. She is not even admitting to being in an affair at this point.

I am proud to see things in black and white now. Everything was gray for me before and I didnít have good boundaries.

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