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Men, does the idea of a free pass turn you on?

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Rideitout posted 6/4/2019 10:18 AM

I do think there are a lot of young women who will sleep with married men knowingly, and yeah some of them are hot.

Really? I mean, like you said, I guess neither of us have any idea, too old! But, yes, I'm very surprised by that statement. I figured posting a Tinder profile that "Married man looking for NSA" was about as attractive as posting "Women with uncontrollable farting, expensive tastes, and a absolute hate for having sex with men" (trying to be funny here, not offend). I'd look at that, and, unless the woman was just insanely hot, go right past her, why on earth deal with the drama of explosive farting and someone who hates sex for a hook up?! Why deal with married man drama for a hook up, there are tons of other guys, plenty hotter than me, who will happily come over and sleep with you who aren't just looking to get back at their wives.

Like Dee, there is very little in my sexual history I really regret - the only exception to that was the affair. I can't really even think about details of what happened there without my stomach physically hurting.

My W carries a lot of shame about sex in general. One of the reasons it blows/blew my mind that she went all "porn star" with the AP. But I agree, the "shame from sex" isn't universal to women, and it's also not exclusive to women, I'm sure some men feel shame for past sexual experiences too (I do, a few of them, but it's nothing like the shame my wife professes to feel, it's more like, "Man, RIO, what the heck were you thinking with that one!". Not a deep dislike for myself or what I did, just a shaking of my head, man, you need to get your s(*t together.

I do think there are a lot of young women who will sleep with married men knowingly, and yeah some of them are hot. But, isn't that really a moot point for you?

Yes, I'd say it is, but, the topic of this thread was "a free pass" and does it turn you on. So that brought up the line of thinking about this, not my intrinsic desire for a "free pass". If I thought there was a lot of demand for NSA from a married man among attractive women, it would change how I feel about it; it would turn me on more. But I don't think that "demand" exists. There's a freaking unlimited amount of NSA for any woman willing to swipe right (or left?), why on earth would "married man" especially one just looking to get back at his wife/use his free pass be anything but the absolute bottom of the barrel for selection? But the reverse isn't true, in my dating days, if a woman (I'm embarrassed to admit this) came up to me and said "RIO, f**k me like you mean it, my H cheated on me and I just want a good lay", I'd think I died and went to heaven. :) And it really wouldn't matter what she looked like, making it that easy, it would be a defacto "sure" unless I was actually just wildly put off by her appearance.

I guess what I'm saying, this is different between the sexes. You can have a "pure RA" easily as a woman. Just ask any guy. And that guy can be WAY hotter/more fit/richer/etc than your husband because offering NSA as a woman allows you to "go up" in mate selection. The same is not true for man, it's more difficult to have an RA at all, and IMHO, extremely difficult if you're honest with the woman about the nature of the relationship. A BW can do it "guilt free" with the potential AP, all the pain will be felt by the WH, not the AP. The same isn't true for most men, at least not for me.

hikingout posted 6/4/2019 10:25 AM

Really? I mean, like you said, I guess neither of us have any idea, too old! But, yes, I'm very surprised by that statement. I figured posting a Tinder profile that "Married man looking for NSA" was about as attractive as posting "Women with uncontrollable farting, expensive tastes, and a absolute hate for having sex with men" (trying to be funny here, not offend). I'd look at that, and, unless the woman was just insanely hot, go right past her, why on earth deal with the drama of explosive farting and someone who hates sex for a hook up?! Why deal with married man drama for a hook up, there are tons of other guys, plenty hotter than me, who will happily come over and sleep with you who aren't just looking to get back at their wives.

yes. I really do believe that they exist. I didn't say they weren't crazy or didn't have issues though. I do think it's easier than ever to find people to hook up with. I don't know if you put it right in the profile people would choose it, but I bet plenty disclose it early on and find people who really don't care.


Just because a woman is good looking doesn't mean she doesn't have issues. There are good looking sex addicts, good looking women who have low self esteem, good looking women who are callous. I think it's easier to find them than ever...Which to me is unfortunate in so many ways. You are remembering single days of having to meet women and spend hours talking to them, qualifying them. You had to put a lot of time into it. Now, you just click right on 50 women, talk to them, disclose to them your situation, and out of those 50 I think you would find at least one if not more takers. If you are familiar with sales, it's like you have a full lead list, and you know how many you have to talk to in order to get a yes. It's disgusting in many ways, and I don't know why I am answering you but yes I do believe it's very possible. Doesn't make it a good idea by any stretch, but technology has had it's effect.


ETA: but yes, I agree I am not sure it's "in demand", just easier to find. I don't disagree that it is often easier for women.

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:26 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

hikingout posted 6/4/2019 10:46 AM

So, RIO - your train of thought had me concerned. Are you saying that if it were easier it would be more appealing? I think you should examine that more closely.

Rideitout posted 6/4/2019 10:52 AM

Are you saying that if it were easier it would be more appealing?

Not really. I'm saying that if it was possible to do without hurting an innocent 3rd party (my hypothetical AP) it would be more appealing. Probably also requires some deeper thought, but, that's in fact what I'm saying. It's not the "hard" part that bothers me, it's the idea that I'd hurt someone else doing it.

hikingout posted 6/4/2019 10:57 AM

When you say hurt someone else, I assume you don't just mean the person you find, but also your wife? I know the concept of "free pass" is that she is saying she's okay with it. But, I don't know that many people are truly able to offer that and be okay with it. Even other adulterers.

Rideitout posted 6/4/2019 14:15 PM

I assume you don't just mean the person you find, but also your wife?

This sounds bad, but not really. I'm more worried about the innocent party here, and that's not my W. To be clear, she's never offered, and no, I don't want one, so this is pure hypothetical. But, if she offered, I wouldn't take her up on it for a variety of reasons, but, very high, perhaps the top of that list is that the women who was "chosen" as the quasi-AP who's innocent in this mess would be hurt for no reason other than for me to have an orgasm. That's indefensible in my eyes, it's arguable that eye for an eye is a reasonable way to settle disputes, but eye for someone who walks into the rooms eye isn't, not at all.

hikingout posted 6/4/2019 14:18 PM

I get what you are saying. In another way, I guess it could be said it shows growth. That you have insight you didn't have as a younger man and have grown your integrity because of it. I can't say that's a bad thing to boil things down to.

Dispirited posted 6/4/2019 23:31 PM

I agree with Hiking Out. I'm reminded of the adage: TANSTAAFL: There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch.

A WW offering her BH a "hall pass" has a motive, a quick way to make herself feel somehow "less wayward" or "less bad", as if sex outside the M by the BH could make the "score" more "even". Of course it could never do that from the perspective of the BH because the pain from the A resides in the betrayal, and hall pass sex by definition is not a betrayal. In fact, by offering a hall pass, the message being communicated is: "I don't actually value you that much as a sexual partner, therefore I wouldn't mind if you took your lame sex somewhere else."

Except for Khaddi Sagnia. If somehow I got a hall pass specific to a long lustful night in a hotel with Khaddi Sagnia, that would be a turn-on.

My xLTGF, when our relationship was good, did once sort of set up a three-way with one of her friends. This friend visited us from out of town over a long weekend. Unbeknownst to me, the friend was in the throes of the end of her marriage and was looking for some fun. We spent the weekend cavorting as a threesome, then the friend returned to her home. Now that was a definite turn-on.

Forgive me if I fail to your point..I detected a three-some- of which you seemed ok with. SO....WTF is your point? This day ok with 3-some, yet tomorrow not ok? My goodness.

Dispirited posted 6/4/2019 23:45 PM

Forgive me if I fail to your point..I detected a three-some- of which you seemed ok with. SO....WTF is your point? This day ok with 3-some, yet tomorrow not ok? My goodness.

Are you that hard-up to acquiesce with a fantasy that is hopefully outside your boundaries? And what? Just to keep him interested in you?

As a male, even though I may "fantasize" with your scenario, "if" you don't get that I will not go that route, then you are not what I would want in a partner. Simple. said.

Beachwalker posted 6/5/2019 00:28 AM

DISPIRITED: I must address your comments to me:

Then in my opinion, YOU have no loyalty.

and:
Do not get married if you can not be committed.

If I had no loyalty to my WW and could not honor my commitment, then I would have been out cheating on her as she was on me. However, that is not the case. You are confusing temptation with action. As a male, you know we can get aroused by some of the most insignificant images or comments, but that doesn’t mean we pull our pants down and start banging the closest female. Look at couples who partake in role play: The husband as a biker who is picking up a hot chick looking for a ride (his wife). They have playful banter during the ride then head home for a little action. All completely legal, and completely in their minds. That’s where arousal starts out, but we are making the distinction that it matters what you DO with it.

Plus, just because this scenario has no appeal to you doesn’t mean that the rest of us have no loyalty. Look at the responses from men and you will see most say the same thing: it’s a turn on, but we won’t act on it. That’s where we prove our loyalty and where our WS’s showed their lack of loyalty – we won’t act on it.

Because you are unable to see this as a type of role play or sexy banter, perhaps you should not include this in your foreplay. And that was my point: I wouldn’t act on it, but as sexy banter with my own wife it would lead to a very interesting conversation!

RIDEITOUT & HIKINGOUT: Just a comment on your conversation. My WW was looking for just an AP, and was satisfied, sometimes, with a ONS. She placed ads for herself and answered ads men placed. She was/is beautiful, intelligent (Master’s Degree), fun, friendly, just a great girl. But, she has some “head wiring issues” which her IC is working on. So, yeah, women DO go looking as well as men. Sometimes she hooked up with a “4”, sometimes and “8”.

AbandonedGuy posted 6/5/2019 12:19 PM

When you're single, every day is a free pass...to be alone

DevastatedDee posted 6/5/2019 13:12 PM

When you're single, every day is a free pass...to be alone.

Perspective, lol. Abadonedguy, this is not all a bad thing. The alternative could be still being in the marriage and being cheated on.

SaddestDad posted 6/7/2019 19:28 PM

Right this second, yeah. The idea of it definitely does.
Not that I'd actually do it... but yeah - at this very moment it would be a turn-on.

Dispirited posted 6/7/2019 20:44 PM

To answer your question and being a male... the answer is no. Fantasies - when married are "normal", but IMO commitment is the basis of a marriage. I come from parents who were married for 60+ years.My father had the rare tendency to allow all of my mother's to nag him roll right off his shoulder. He was a Dr.,so I'm not sure if that had anything to do with that.

Your "suggestion/ offer" re: a free pass is NOT or would not be something that I would entertain. "If" I were to say ok re: a free pass, then quite frankly BOTH should re-think the marriage. First of all, I would never offer my spouse that option- unless you posed the question or offer to see what the response would be.His response - whether a "titillating" offer or not would have me question any commitment. Logically, if a person says: " I would consider a third party", does that add any comfort with any suspicion of cheating? In other words, if your spouse hints at any third party, then what would be accomplished? Go ahead...screw someone else. But I gave you permission.

So...please tell me the difference as to whether you "may" give permission or finding out that your spouse violated the marriage. Normally...people get their sexual whatever accomplished prior to a marriage. And when a marriage occurs, then those prior "whatevers" should be done.It all comes down to this...do both respect the sanctity of marriage? Or was it just a ceremony that was taken lightly?

IMO, your husband's response - fantasizing or not is out of step with most people expect from a marriage.And that - to me is commitment.Nothing is easy- especially relationships. BUT - unless you've shown that (either spouse) either it was a mistake for whatever reasons, then do not get married unless you're in for the long haul.And "if" marriage somehow was some fantasy of thinking, then perhaps people should think before they take the plunge.

paco2000 posted 6/25/2019 12:11 PM

Never ever. The relationship will not be the same (mine anyway).

FinDad posted 6/26/2019 03:39 AM

No it doesn't. During my WW's affair she found out that one of my employee's (whose boyfriend was present in some of WW's GNO) is living in a open relationship. She told me this, and I said directly that "I could never give you permission like that", and she replied "I would never ask you for one". Cannot even imagine what went through her head at that moment. Her living in a "open relationship" at the very moment, just forgot to send me the memo...

Later she told me that before the A she was tempted to ask me for open relationship but never had the courage as she knew what the answer would be.

After the DD she offered me a free pass. But nope, it really isn't getting the score even. Not by a long shot. It isn't even about the sex, it is about the broken everything. And doing something that you are allowed to do, how does that even compare?

[This message edited by FinDad at 3:58 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

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