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Confused and broken hearted

Confised1222 posted 5/11/2019 18:15 PM

A few months ago I found out my husband has been paying his ex girlfriend for naked pics, strip tease videos, videos of her having sex, and sex stories and I am devastated! This has been going on behind my back for our entire relationship and marriage, 8 years total. He denied it until I showed him the proof I had, and even then he tried to lie his way out of it until I kept showing him more and more proof. He claims they didn't have sex while we were together, but I do not believe it. He went to the doctor about a year ago because he was in pain. Maybe an STD? I don't know. We weren't intimate a lot because he always claimed he "had issues". Now I know the issue was he was taking care of himself watching her pics or videos.
He also claims it's over, but I have no way to be sure of that. Everything they exchanged was on social media and email, and they met in person a few times to exchange money. I am not going to drive myself crazy by going through his phone all the time, and I believe if I do that get will just find different ways to hide it from me. He refuses to talk to me about it anymore and he will not talk to anyone else because he's embarrassed and ashamed of what he did. I am really struggling to deal with this and I don't know how to move forward.
My trust and faith in him is completely gone. Can it be rebuilt? Do we stay together, or do we split up? If we stay together, how do we get past this, especially since he won't talk about it. I feel like I can't heal by ignoring it and pretending it didn't happen. I'm just angry, hurt and confused. My heart hurts.

[This message edited by Confised1222 at 6:21 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

Cooley2here posted 5/11/2019 18:45 PM

You have basically been the other woman for 8 years. Why didn’t he marry her?

Svon posted 5/11/2019 19:15 PM

Confised1222, I wouldn’t believe for one minute you are the other woman. You were the wife. He came home to you. He spent nights, holidays, vacations, with you. Built a home with you. Your husband clearly has a problem and reconciling with someone unwilling to seek treatment and help you heal will certainly make things difficult. That would be your call. I know for me, my husband must speak to me as often as necessary about his cheating and seek his own counseling. That’s my demands. Only you can decide what you need if you choose to stay.

Odonna posted 5/11/2019 19:16 PM

The best litmus test is Linda McDonald’s short book: “How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair.” It is free in pdf on-line and it lays out in very clear terms what a WH has to do to be a “re-builder.” You read it first so you know what you need to look for. Mark it up with highlights and comments. Then insisr he read it. You will know right away if he has the spine and guts to do the work.

So sorry you are going through this!

[This message edited by Odonna at 4:36 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]

Beachwalker posted 5/11/2019 19:16 PM

I am very sorry and sad that you are here. What you are going through is terrible, but everyone here at SI wants to help you.

I know the pain you feel. My wife cheated with several men for many years before I found out, then I learned of everything/everyone a bit at a time. It hurts very deeply and the shame you feel as a Betrayed Spouse (BS) can be overwhelming. But know this: None of his cheating is your fault – it all rests on the decisions he made as an adult. Nothing you have done or could have done gives him permission to violate your trust and the promise he made to you 8 years ago. IF there was a huge problem in your marriage, he could have chosen another route to take care of it, such as counseling, talking with you about the issue, or even divorce. What he did is 100% wrong and you are 100% free of blame. Please believe that as it is the truth, and it came right from my counselor so I pass it on to you.

I was counseled to discontinue intercourse with my wife until we were both checked for STI’s and HIV, and the results came back negative for both of us. Yes, that is extreme, but can you guarantee they used protection? Do you think he would tell you the truth if you asked? If he did nothing wrong then the results will be negative.

I also suggest you find a counselor for yourself, maybe ask your husband to go with you. I asked that of my wife and she agreed. Since, she has been seeing a counselor by herself because they need to work on the underlying issues in her. The same will probably happen with him. I was told that it takes 2 functioning adults for a marriage to work, and your husband isn’t functioning correctly right now. After “my wife’s wiring is fixed”, as I put it, we can then work on our marriage. Until then, any reconciliation efforts will be useless.

Stay or go? That is totally up to you, and only you are in your situation and know all the details. Do you think the M can be salvaged? Does he show true signs of remorse and change? Is he getting the help he needs? I was advised to create a list of conditions upon which I would require my wife to meet in order for me to stay in the M. I communicated them to her and as far as I can tell she is meeting those expectations. It will take time to determine if she’s sincere and willing to stay in this for the long haul. The same is probably true for your husband.

The trust can be rebuilt, but you cannot rebuild that trust, since you are not the one who violated that trust. Only he can do that, and it will take time – a lot of time! Expect 2 to 5 years.

You are in a lot of pain now – I know. Unfortunately, there is more pain to come regardless of your decision to stay or go. You will need help. Everyone here is ready to help as much as we can. I suggest you check out the Healing Library as you may find some supportive links and literature.

Please know that you are safe here and you are not alone.

BearlyBreathing posted 5/11/2019 19:35 PM

C1222— we are sorry you had to find us.

Your husband has been cheating on you for 8+ years and he doesn’t want to talk about. Not great, but let’s worry about you first. Do you have kids? How long have you been married?

Don’t worry about R or D yet. It’s too early. You are in shock and you need to give yourself time to wrap your head around this to decide what is best for you. So some things you should do:

1) Get STD tested ASAP. He must as well and show you the results. You are right not to trust that they have not had sex. Many here have caught STDs... get tested. Yeah, it’s no fun, but doctors have seen it all before.

2) Take care of yourself: Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, exercise. Sleep. If you need help sleeping or have excessive anxiety, talk to your doctor. Many of us have needed a little help to get through the worst of this, and there’s no shame in this. You need to be as healthy and cognizant as possible to get through this— take care of YOU.

3) Read the healing library (upper left in yellow box), especially about the 180. The 180 is a technique you use to help detach emotionally from your WH while you sort out what is best for you. Very powerful— be sure to read this.

4) See a lawyer or 3. Many offer free first consultations. Don’t tell your H you are doing this. Knowledge is power, so knowing what all your options will look like will help you be and feel in control.

5) Save all the evidence someplace he can’t get to it (at work, at a friend’s). Track down how much money of your marital assets he has wasted on his AP.

6) Get in to IC (individual counseling) for yourself to help you get through this. Do you have someone IRL you can confide in? That helps, too.

Other than saying it is over, what has your husband done WITH ACTIONS to make you feel safe? 100% transparency on all devices? Letting you know where he is going and doing whatever you need to feel comfortable that he’s telling the truth? Did he send her an NC that you approved telling her to never contact him again?

Keep reading, keep posting. We know the pain you are in, we get it.

Cooley2here posted 5/11/2019 19:52 PM

I don’t want to be harsh but I do want you to look very realistically what you have in front of you. He started off your married life having sex with another woman and in many cases turned you down. That’s what I mean by being the other woman. He preferred sex with her. That is so troubling because the first years of marriage should be the honeymoon stage where you were focused on each other. I don’t know if you want to reconcile or divorce. I’m like the others. It is too early for you to think about anything except your own health and safety. You need to see about STD’s and you need to get yourself into therapy. Leave him sitting wherever he is and take care of yourself.

Marie2792 posted 5/11/2019 22:22 PM

Your husband needs to get into IC to examine what is broken in him and how he can correct himself. Until that work begins, you can only focus on yourself and your children, if you have any. I would also recommend STD testing for both of you and no sex until these come back clear (HPV can be transmitted even with a condom).

If this ex girlfriend is married or partnered, I’d advise him of what’s been happening. Surely in 8 years she has had boyfriends or a husband of her own.

annb posted 5/12/2019 09:59 AM

Hi, welcome to the best club no one wants to join.

Gently, your entire marriage has been a lie. Your husband has been leading a double life.

Is this how you want to live your life going forward?

Honestly, I'd think real hard about a future with someone who can lie and deceive you for almost a decade. He has serious issues, you cannot fix him.

Please read the articles in the Healing Library and get yourself into a GOOD IC's office asap.


Confised1222 posted 5/13/2019 10:39 AM

I want to sincerely thank you all for your support, kindness, and advice. I have never experienced this much from people I don't know and I am truly touched. It means a lot to me. I still feel completely lost, but am looking into counseling and am not making any major decisions right now. I'm just focusing on me and the kids.

[This message edited by Confised1222 at 6:53 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

Confised1222 posted 5/15/2019 06:54 AM

I am signing up for individual counseling.
My husband is going on like nothing is wrong and it's making me more angry and hurt. I am trying to keep things as normal as possible for the kids (13 and 15. Blended family), but I have a feeling they know something is going on.
The other woman has been messaging me, playing innocent and telling me my husband has problems. She sent me screenshots of messages and they are still talking. He denied this at first until I showed him the screenshots and he said he offered her $100 to go away and leave us both alone. The other woman has a boyfriend. Do I tell him what has been going on? I feel like the other woman is crazy and may lash out at me or my family. My husband and I told her in writing not to contact either of us again. Not sure what to do about any of this. I really think her boyfriend needs to know, and I want to tell him, but I'm scared of what will happen.
Trying the 180. I know it will take time, but it's not going good. He is acting like he doesn't even care. This is killing me. I don't know what to do or where to go from here.

MamaDragon posted 5/15/2019 08:02 AM

Yes. Tell the Betrayed BF.

He is ignoring the issue because he hopes you will just rug sweep it.

Don't rug sweep. See a lawyer, let him know you are seeing one - knowledge is power. You don't have to file but it is nice to know what your options are just in case.

Is she a local girl? If so, expect it to be more than just pics, videos etc.

Sometimes you have to shock a WS to get them to acknowledge that there are issues.

Beachwalker posted 5/15/2019 14:27 PM

My cousin’s husband decided the wayward path might be ok. Until, that is, when he came home one day and everyone was gone, which was unusual for that time of day. Soon after he walked in the door, he was reminded of her “no tolerance” policy she told him about prior to getting married, by the lawyer delivering the divorce papers. He realized she wasn’t kidding and put 110% into changing himself and being the type of husband and father he needed to be.

Some men will react positively by seeking help and working on their issues. Others will react negatively because they want out of the relationship, anyway. By taking a step in that direction, you will find out how he really feels about wanting to stay with you. See the lawyer. I found one that had no consultation fee and spoke with him. Granted, I may not use him for my divorce (if it comes to that), but I now know the process, the cost, and what will happen on the other side. My WW is aware I went to see him, so I hope she gets the message that I am not kidding about being willing to walk, and that this motivates her to continue with her IC. This may have the same type of effect on your husband.

I would be very tempted to contact the betrayed BF. I emailed (only contact method I had) some of my wife’s AP’s. They never responded, of course, but I hope it scared the entrails out of ‘em! You could use this as a lever to get the OW to honor your request to stop contacting the both of you. Just tell her to discontinue or you will let her BF know about the A. Just be ready to follow up on your promise.

Stevesn posted 5/15/2019 15:07 PM

Your WH has damaged your marriage. I’m sorry you are going thru that.

The best thing to do is make no commitments to him at all right now. Tell him you are terribly hurt and you are going to go thru therapy for yourself to figure out what you want to do going forward and get thru the pain he has caused you.

If you want to be nice, you can give him some direction as to what he should be doing.

Some example words you can use are;

“You have hurt me terribly and broken my heart. If you care at all about our relationship you should immediately block her and never communicate with her again. You should find a therapist and start working on why you’ve done this.

You should find the book called “how to help your spouse heal from your affair” and read it cover to cover. You should remove all social media accounts and give me access to your phone. And you should fully come clean to me on all Infidelity with her and anyone else by giving me a written timeline of the past 8 years.

Anything short of all this will mean we have no chance to stay together and repair things. Maybe you don’t care. Maybe you do. Your actions will show me if you do.

I thought you loved me. I thought we were facing the world together. I was wrong. You let someone else I to our marriage. It will take a lot of work and time for me to ever forgive that. “

Confised, don’t promise him anything right now. Truth is it will mostly be up to him if he will repair the M and help you heal. In the meantime only focus on you.

Implement THE 180 and detach until you see a truly Remorseful man come to you hat in hand with a plan to repent and take actions to change.

Until then you have nothing to work with. I’m sorry.

Just focus on your own healing and stop doing anything for him. No cooking. No laundry. Whatever. Act as if you are moving on, because as painful as it is, that’s what you need to do.

Take care.

Lp0725 posted 5/15/2019 15:21 PM

I am so sorry... what your husband did to you is just awful. It honestly sounds like he's completely checked out of the marriage. Really, he was never checked in. He's been doing this for your entire relationship. He's trying to rugsweep this whole thing and right now, you're letting him. I personally think you should divorce him. Your whole relationship has been a lie. But that's a decision only you can make.

If you want to reconcile, you will need to go nuclear on him to show him you won't tolerate being his plan B any longer. Implement the 180. Go see an attorney ASAP and start the process of filing. Separate your finances. Tell him to move out, or do an in home separation if you feel you can handle that. Tell him you won't even consider stopping the divorce until he shows you loud and clear that he truly loves and values you and your marriage. He will need to go to individual counseling. He will need to answer any and all questions you have. He will need to go for STD testing (You should do this too). He will need to PROVE that you can trust him. He will need to show TRUE remorse and empathy. Don't be afraid to end this sham of a marriage. You truly do deserve better.

And yes, tell her boyfriend. If she doesn't leave you guys alone, then get a restraining order on her.

Confised1222 posted 5/19/2019 09:54 AM

I'm so angry and I'm trying to get myself through this. Sometimes I feel like he wants to make things better and other times I feel like he doesn't even care. Still trying the 180. Scheduled my first IC session yesterday and it was a complete disaster!!! Never going back there again! I feel worse than I did before. Feeling hopeless today.

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