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Help! Dating Advice Needed!

mitz66 posted 5/3/2019 21:17 PM

Well, I have dipped a toe into dating. I met someone I used to go to high school with. I remember him as a good guy. We have some common mutual friends. We went out 4 times and then he invited me to watch a movie at his house. He knows that infidelity was the cause of divorce, without any details. He has been in a long term relationship and has 2 grown sons. He also said he had a few girlfriends over the last 20 yrs.

We chatted for about an hour and all was comfortable and good. Anyway, once we began watching a movie, he at one end of the couch and me at the other. About 45 minutes into the movie, he sort of went from one end of the couch to my side and kissed me full on the mouth. I was taken aback and had to resist from using some self defence moves. I did tell him no and he backed off right away. He said he didnít mean to scare me. I said I wasnít exactly scared just wondering what he was doing. ( I think I was a bit scared) I also said that I have been single for two years and havenít dated in over 12 years. We switched to some light conversation and watched the movie. He fell asleep and I left as soon as it was over.

Questions: As I am new to this dating thing, did I over react? Any thoughts on going forward. He sent me a text in am apologizing for falling asleep. I said maybe we needed a ďdo-overĒ. He agreed. Not sure where this is going...when someone invites you to see a movie does that mean something else??

WhoTheBleep posted 5/3/2019 21:43 PM

More info needed. Had you kissed him before this? On one of your 4 dates? It's a personal choice for everyone, but I can't imagine going out 4 times and not going in for a kiss. If I wasn't feeling a kiss by then, there wouldn't be a 5th date.

I don't think he was out of line. He did stop when you said no. Could you just not be ready yet to date? Or maybe you don't like him and are in denial?

ETA:. I just reread your post. He could have approached you more gently and slowly leaned in, to give you a chance to say no BEFORE he made contact with your mouth. The sudden jolt was understandably unnerving. Would a softer approach have been more comfortable for you, do you think? Are you attracted to him?

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:46 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

mitz66 posted 5/3/2019 21:53 PM

Good questions Who. We hugged only once, the other dates were in public places and we didnít drive together. I didnít make any moves and neither did he. I was attracted to him in HS and he is more attractive now. I think I was nervous and itís been a long time since I have been intimate with anyone. I think i didnít really think about that possibility as it was the first time at his house. He kinda came at me quickly, maybe he was nervous too.

shakentocore posted 5/3/2019 22:20 PM

First of all, I want to say that whatever is right (or NOT right) for YOU is what matters. However,

I think i didnít really think about that possibility as it was the first time at his house.

It's very common that inviting someone to your apt. to "Netflix and chill" means "lets have some alone time." Not necessarily sex, but having a space to snuggle, cuddle, kiss, etc.

I have even heard that when you get an invite to "come over to watch tv" what you wear indicates how receptive you are to their advances. Easy access clothing (yoga pants, sweats, leggings) = I am looking forward to taking my clothes off. Jeans = We can cuddle on the couch, but that's about it.

It's a personal choice for everyone, but I can't imagine going out 4 times and not going in for a kiss. If I wasn't feeling a kiss by then, there wouldn't be a 5th date.

Where do you see this relationship going? Did you not want to kiss him? I think you need to communicate what you need and want.

Marz posted 5/3/2019 22:31 PM

This was the 5th date. He's not exactly and unknown.

His approach could have been a bit better.

I wouldn't have tried an ambush but would expect a kiss or so.

Maybe you aren't ready?

It sounds like he's not looking for just a platonic relationship. That is his expectation.

If you're not up for that I'd break it off.

ADryHeat posted 5/3/2019 22:40 PM

Was it the kiss itself that made you uncomfortable or the way it happened?

I donít think itís out of line to anticipate a kiss on date 5. Honestly, if I went on more than 1 or 2 dates without a kiss happening, I typically assumed they just werenít that into me. But the way you describe him doing it seems sort of awkward. However - if Iím on date 5 and I go to a guyís home, I probably wouldnít be sitting on opposite ends of a couch. But thatís ME. Also, if I went to a guyís house and HE was sitting on the opposite end of the couch Iíd take that as a sign he wasnít interested in anything physical. Thatís what would bother me most about this - that he clearly wasnít feeling your vibe and made a sudden move anyhow.

It could have just been nerves for him. Not every first kissing is smooth and well executed, after all! If you feel like heís a good guy and thereís a possible future, and you donít feel taken advantage of or unsafe in any way, then why not give it another shot? But if youíre needing the physical to be so slow (which it seems like given 5 dates without a kiss), I would absolutely talk about comfort levels and boundaries.

[This message edited by ADryHeat at 10:40 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

JoyfulMourning posted 5/4/2019 02:04 AM

@Shakentocore

Thanks for that what to wear clothing break down. I had know idea.

Every time I think I'm ready to date I come on here learn something that sends me back to the drawing board.

@mitz66
With his track record with women, "having a long term relationship" and "a few girlfriends over the last 20 years", it surprises me that he wasn't more keen to your vibe before trying to kiss you. I don't think he was nervous, perhaps he was prompted by the familiarity...or ego...or poor boundaries...or faster women.

The fact that he fell asleep during our date would give me reason to pause. IMO it was impolite to say the least, and again too much familiarity in such a short timeframe.

I think your gut is sending you signals to keep your guard up for now. A grown woman is not afraid of a kiss from a man she finds very attractive. Something about him is triggering anxiety/warning signals from your intuition.

The way he was on you before you knew what was happening was also impolite and disrespectful of your personal space. Maybe continuing to date him in public places is a good way to go for a while.

Girrrrl, he needs to calm down.

[This message edited by JoyfulMourning at 2:09 AM, May 4th (Saturday)]

mitz66 posted 5/4/2019 06:55 AM

Thank you for your responses. Itís definitely left me thinking about what I want and if i am ready. I sent him a message to get together. He answered but no time commitment. I think Iíll leave it at that. Gee this dating stuff seems hard!

barcher144 posted 5/4/2019 07:09 AM

I agree with what most everyone said (with one relatively minor exception, see below). He did nothing wrong by trying to kiss you (although it sounds like his technique isn't so great) and you did nothing wrong by refusing. We all get to be ourselves.

Anyway, once we began watching a movie, he at one end of the couch and me at the other.

This was the quote that stood out to me. This is a 5th date and you are at separate ends of a couch? I am way more affectionate than that. I can't imagine not touching/cuddling by the 5th date, even if you didn't want to kiss or do anything more sexually than that.

"Netflix and chill" means "lets have some alone time." Not necessarily sex, but having a space to snuggle, cuddle, kiss, etc.

My understanding that "Netflix and chill" literally means to come over and have sex. It doesn't sound like mitz66 wasn't invited over for "Netflix and chill" though.

WhoTheBleep posted 5/4/2019 08:47 AM

My understanding that "Netflix and chill" literally means to come over and have sex.

Really???? Well crap, I learned something new today. I'm glad I didn't tell new OLD prospect, last night, that I was "Netflix and chilling ALONE.". Which I was, but literally. (By the way, The Highwaymen" was fantastic. Highly recommend!!)

barcher144 posted 5/4/2019 10:34 AM

Sorry for the thread jack, but it's minor.

Really???? Well crap, I learned something new today.

Yes, really. From Wikipedia:

"Netflix and chill" is an Internet slang term used either as an invitation to watch Netflix together or as a euphemism for sexual activity, either as part of a romantic partnership or as casual sex or as a groupie invitation.

My kids were saying something similar one night about "Netflix and Chill." I had to explain to them what it actually means. They did not appreciate that conversation, consider that they are 12 and 13 year old girls and not at all prepared to talk to their father about sex.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 11:38 AM, May 4th (Saturday)]

Phoenix1 posted 5/4/2019 13:20 PM

I gotta admit the "Netflix and Chill" euphemism is new to me as well! I guess I am more old school and direct because I will just say upfront, "Hey, SO, wanna come over to my place for some wine and sex?" The nice thing about that is there is no misunderstanding about my expectations, or his.

mitz66 posted 5/4/2019 23:39 PM

I heard back from him. He apologized for falling asleep and said e is working midnights for the next few days. He said he would call me after his shift was done.

I appreciate the discussion and asked a couple IRL friends about nexflix and chill. It would seem that I was the only one who didnít get the memo. 😂

EvenKeel posted 5/6/2019 13:32 PM

I really don't think there are any rules. All of this varies person to person.

One of my OLD guys during my NB really liked "Netflix and Chill" dates. That was ALL they were. While we did outside dates, he thought those were best when getting to know someone since they are very casual and user-friendly for talking and getting to know someone.

He also was big on "wear whatever you are comfy in" since we were just lounging in the living room. Sweats or yoga pants were not code for anything more.

Now did your new guy mean more when he said "Netflix and chill"? Ummm - maybe. But I really don't think so since he waiting five dates to even try to kiss you.

My OLDs typically asked to kiss me on the first or second date. While it seems to be the minority according to SI - they all asked first. I only had one pouncer and, like you, it took me so off-guard that I could of backed through a wall just to get away So I get that!

You take this as slow (or fast) as you want. Those who are interested in you and worth it; will respect what you want.

PS - so what type of kiss was that? Did he attack you full-force? Or was it just a sweet kiss?


stubbornft posted 5/6/2019 13:42 PM

When I was dating, staying in for the night on date #5 to watch a movie was "watch a movie" and really meant sex.

Just sharing my experience!

I do agree that you shouldn't do anything you aren't comfortable with and it sounds like he is respecting your boundaries. Maybe he felt he was not being awkward and he thought it naturally progressed you obviously did not feel the same way.

Just keep doing whatever feels comfortable to you, it will all work out and if he is long term material for you, he will understand.

Dating is hard, hang in there!!!!

mitz66 posted 5/24/2019 22:28 PM

Hi Everyone, just an update. I did see him again. We went out and met a few of his friends. We did chat about the last visit. Anyway, we ended up having a good laugh and sharing some personal info about the amount of time between dates. For me- first date since divorce 2 yrs ago. Him- 3 months .

We have gotten together several times over the past few weeks. He has ever remained a gentleman. I decided to be brave and invite a kiss, I actually liked it! Ex used to drool...

mitz66 posted 5/24/2019 22:28 PM

Hi Everyone, just an update. I did see him again. We went out and met a few of his friends. We did chat about the last visit. Anyway, we ended up having a good laugh and sharing some personal info about the amount of time between dates. For me- first date since divorce 2 yrs ago. Him- 3 months .

We have gotten together several times over the past few weeks. He has ever remained a gentleman. I decided to be brave and invite a kiss, I actually liked it! Ex used to drool...l

WhoTheBleep posted 5/25/2019 08:36 AM

Nice update! Good that you talked about it! Baby steps. And you liked the kiss...yay!!!

Ex used to drool...

Yucky.

Well then, this is an improvement for you! Have fun, and keep us posted!

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