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Follow up to friend who knows but doesn't

newlife03 posted 5/1/2019 20:20 PM

A while back I posted on how my girlfriend's husband had been rumored to be cheating on her. But because he had attempted suicide I didn't tell her about another rumored incident involving him and a different woman. The responses I got here were to just wait it out because of his mental instability. So I did. And he said he was going to confess everything to her, so I left it alone.

Fast forward a month or two later...found out that he never confessed anything to her. She still doesn't know about the 2nd rumor of him sleeping with someone else.

They tried for two years to get pregnant, then two more with IVF unsuccessfully. In the middle of all his affair/suicide/confession-non-confession she got pregnant naturally.

She's happy, she believes he never cheated on her regarding the 1st rumor...but doesn't know about the other one which, in addition to an affair, the rumored OP is pregnant.

I"m torn with telling her about a rumor, or not telling her because it's a rumor. I never saw it, but he confessed it to my boyfriend. No reason for my bf to be dishonest, so I believe it happened.

I love this girl, but I'm concerned the stress will cause her to miscarry. But, she deserves to know. But, it's only a rumor even though he supposedly confessed it to an investigator that i'm not supposed to know about.

I know what the right thing is to do, I just need some positive mojo and courage. Prayers wouldn't hurt, either. Thank you.

Chili posted 5/1/2019 20:33 PM

This is a difficult one.

I absolutely think she deserves to know the truth of her life. But. Do you know for sure the depth of the information you have at hand?

I didn't contact the OBS until I had some documented proof to show him. You have rumors and heresay at this point. I'm not sure how confessions to other people would help you tell her anything clear and concise.

I'm not saying your boyfriend is lying, but rather that you don't have any first-hand knowledge or other proof (photos, emails, etc.) to give her. Plus, it would be awfully easy for her husband to deny a rumor that was told to third and fourth parties.

Adlham posted 5/1/2019 20:43 PM

My concern would be the potential for exposure to STD's.

Untreated can lead to so many bad things happening to her baby, either during the pregnancy and/or during the delivery.

I would hope her ob/gyn would just test as part of the standards of care, but I'm not entirely sure that all of them do that. I had one that I asked to run them (thanks, cheating asshat), one where it was her routine standard (Vegas, baby!), and two who just took it for gospel that my relationship was monogamous on both our parts (it was).

I don't have any magic answers, but her being pregnant means it's not just her health on the line, but the much-wanted baby.

What a difficult position for you. I'm so sorry.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 5/1/2019 20:58 PM

But, it's only a rumor even though he supposedly confessed it to an investigator that i'm not supposed to know about.

What investigator? Was he being followed by a PI and who hired him?

I would say tell your friend. Be prepared to possibly lose the friendship as she may not believe you or her WS may convince her he's not. Without any hardcore proof he will do what cheaters do. Deny deny deny.

She's carrying a baby and should be aware at the very least because of that. I'm sure she'd want to be tested for STD's.

You're in a tough position and all I can say is follow your heart, your gut. Do what you feel is right.

newlife03 posted 5/1/2019 22:26 PM

Thank you, it's somewhat "comforting" that I'm not the only one who thinks this is hard.

Regarding the investigator, part of the 2nd OW rumor is that he took advantage of her while both were intoxicated and a police report was filed and investigation ensued because both were at the same place for a work meeting. I'm told she chose not to file charges against him as it was "mutual." She is now pregnant, but was seeing someone else at the same time (while married...) so no one knows who the father is. Again, rumored.

As for our friendship, I would accept that she didn't want it as long as I knew that she had all the information she needed to make a decision about her marriage. I wouldn't like it, but I'd respect it.

And the only "proof" I had was when I witnessed his behavior with the 1st rumored OW. She knows about that one and is convinced that he didn't cheat with her; from my past and watching his behavior around her, I think he did. But she's defending him there so we just don't talk about that anymore. She said he wants to tell me "his side" of everything because he's been "wrongfully accused" of these things and ultimately quit his good position because of it. I told her I'd listen to him, with my boyfriend present since things were said to him, but she then backtracked and said he may not be able to talk.

I just see her wanting to believe him and he gas lighting the shit out of her. Ugh...

Cmama posted 5/1/2019 22:53 PM

I can identify this because I was approached by a BGF wanting to ask a few questions about her BF's actions. I told him to tell her the truth and he said he did.... but a recent conversation leads me to believe that he only admitted what he was cornered into telling and nothing more. I'm still haunted by this and last night, for example, had long nightmares about the situation. First, because I know the truth about some stuff and could prove it, though I'm sure it'd be written off as "the past." Second, because I'm positive that more infidelity is happening, but I don't have any solid proof on that so I'm sure it'd be explained away. I've stayed silent about it since the initial contact because of the various negative consequences of doing so. I find myself rooting for you to tell your friend gently what you've heard and express your care and concern for her and the baby. Might be ignored, but I think you're coming from the right place.

ibonnie posted 5/1/2019 23:41 PM

She needs to know. If AP is pregnant and files for child support, she/the baby will be able to collect more than of your friend then decides to leave her WS and file for child support.

newlife03 posted 5/1/2019 23:47 PM

Canna, yes, I feel like a hypocrite because, as a former BW I know what itís like to have people whom I thought were my friends keep this secret from me. I swore Iíd never be that person who minded her own business. And itís especially hard because we have been hanging out as friends outside of work (he, my Bf and I work for the same employer) for over 7 years now.

Iím saddened by his behavior too because once upon a time he was good to me as a friend. And now his actions have screwed everything up, more for his wife than anyone else.

[This message edited by newlife03 at 11:48 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

Buster123 posted 5/2/2019 00:14 AM

he said he was going to confess everything to her, so I left it alone.

When he said this, he's admitting to the cheating so it's no longer a "rumor", of course you should tell your friend, btw tell her she needs to get tested for STDs and to contact an attorney to know her legal options, especially now that AP is pregnant and there's a potential OC on the way.

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