SurvivingInfidelity.com® > General

Wintergarden posted 4/29/2019 11:37 AM

So briefly update on my situation. 30 year marriage and found out 3.5 months ago H was in a year long A. He has (apparently) had no contact with AP since it all blew up. He has rented a flat and is due to move in after we have our separate holidays next month (we have elderly relative responsibility in the household annex).

I have purposely not asked for full details, he's going, and I can't deal with the details. Enough pain already

Today I needed to move his car and found the viagra substitutes hidden under the foot mat (explanation is car recently went in for boot repair and tablets were moved so not found by garage workers) but each packet has some missing. He admits he used them with AP. All this time he has been blaming me for things that happened years ago which made him feel rejection and damaged our marriage, caused him to have less passionate thoughts about me and you name it I'm responsible for it. I know it's not my fault he chose betrayal and the "I'm sorrys " don't make up for any if it. But in order to have his A and fulfill his fantasies he has relied on assistance of these blue pills.

So more TT more anger more pain.

I am already dealing with the total rejection and betrayal so why should this latest discovery add further pain, or does it ultimately show me who he really is and make me stronger to begin on my own.

I do really want to fast forward a year.

cancuncrushed posted 4/29/2019 16:35 PM

Nobody forced him to have sex...Nobody forced him to take the blue pills....you take blue pills to improve sex....he wanted to improve sex with AP....how is any of this your fault? Its not..its more lies...

Its very cruel for him to blame you...HE could have worked on the marriage...He could have had a conversaion...he could have gone to couple counsel...yet the only thing he could think of, was outside sex, and blue pills....don't buy it..

My STXWH got blue pills last year, a week before Valentines...he was in an A...He needed help...he had ED....this was him, making great effort to cheat...even more then the average cheater...he had to research...find a dr...make an appt...miss work...pay money....practice with blue pills first......and this had nothing to do with me..and WH has seizures...he lied to a new dr. to get them...

What your spouse did was cheat...it horrible...he makes it worse by blaming you...and even worse by improving the whole experience with blue pills...

There is a small part of me, that takes comfort in the blue pills. The stress ..it must have been lousey sex...just sayin...there was a reason for the blue pills. which doesn't say much for the AP...why is she in an A? if things are struggling so much in that area? IT just seems so desperate for them both.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 4:43 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

Wintergarden posted 4/30/2019 03:48 AM

cancuncrushed Thank you

There is a small part of me, that takes comfort in the blue pills. The stress ..it must have been lousey sex...just sayin...there was a reason for the blue pills. which doesn't say much for the AP...why is she in an A? if things are struggling so much in that area? IT just seems so desperate for them both.

There is a small part of me that also takes comfort in the blue pills. It shows he needed something extra whether in his head or his parts, and still needed to prove himself to AP (she's single and I doubt very much she was aware of the help he needed)

It has also helped me see this in a different light and it's not a good one. Let him find the reality of being single again and how very different it will be from what he remembers.

Tallgirl posted 4/30/2019 05:42 AM

Hi WG

My WH had a 5 year LTA. He too bought and used blue pills to perform. And nearly a year later I found out about another layer of cheating that he did for years before his A with his prostitute (literally how they met). For me it was this last set of lying to my face that hurt most. And the A has been over for a year. I get how you feel.

Your husband is being a typical cheater. Blaming their BS seems to be simply standard. Why do they? It is part of the lies the tell themselves in their justification for the A.

Why keep lying during the A? Because the A is exciting. Maybe They are in love or think they are. They are in the fog and it is so incredible to live in fantasyland. It feels too good to leave the fantasy and go back to bills, chores and their everyday spouse who lives in reality. Besides, they deserve to feel good because of every reason you can image. Because M is hard work and not so fun. Because I was unhappy. Because I didn’t think you loved me. Because there isn’t enough sex. Because I could. All kinds of reasons. Mine I assume like many was unhappy with himself and NEVER talked to me.

Why keep lying after they are found out.? Well by now I think lying is part of the who they are. My WH has been lying for 10 years. They want to protect their spouse - what they don’t know won’t hurt them. The reality is they can’t face their own behaviour and who they have become. Shame, guilt and horror at what they have done . The mirror becomes a bad place. Or, they haven’t stopped the affair of course.

Your husband sounds typical. Winter it was all his choice. He did this. And it hurts. It has been a year and I still feel so raw. So yes I get you and I am sorry you are here. Keep posting. It helps to share.

Here is my blue pill story. He told me that he hated our doctor, so he got a new doctor just to get a prescription for his sex pills and I wouldn’t find out. All for her.

After DDay1 they had “unplanned” sex. No help. It makes me somewhat happy to know no grand finish.
Lots of hugs. You will get through this.

Wintergarden posted 4/30/2019 06:04 AM

Thank you Tallgirl everything you say makes such sense.

He is feeling guilty now, keeps messaging that it's all his fault and he's sorry for causing so much pain. He never realised that there would be so much pain when I found out! Yes, they are selfish it's all about their needs, and no thoughts about the damage they are causing.

He tells me the passion has gone cold and then takes pills to have passion with someone else. It makes me feel sick.

& still wants to go be on his own, slowly I have come to agree, he's not the man I thought he was. I can't imagine how we ever get over this, and if you are a year on and still raw, I know that will be me too.

What value is a wife these days. Loyalty and trust shattered.

Chaos posted 4/30/2019 06:54 AM

4.5 year LTA in the Land of Chaos.

About a year before DDay1 WH had issues needing "assistance" blaming it on middle age.

6 months after DDay1 went to Dr. and got a Rx for the little blue pill. And for transparency sake had me hold the bottle [I didn't know cheap gas station knock offs existed].

The HB bug had hit hard (pun not intended but it does fit)

Then DDay2/3 - his issues got worse and the HB bug not as strong.

Middle age be damned. Had it not been for the A, I might have dismissed it as such. The fact that it happened during [and I just didn't know about it then] is just too damned coincidental. Collateral Damage for his double life that was swiftly unraveling.

I have told him that AP sucked the life - and hair color - right out of him. Quite literally.

Tallgirl posted 4/30/2019 07:24 AM

Winter, they say it takes 2-5 years to recover. Everyone is different, maybe you will be better at healing than me.

I can't seem to let go of the anger and hurt. I don't want him to ever ever think that this is ok.

There is huge value in trust, loyalty and in you. Your husband's selfish choices do not define you. They define him. Frankly, he is a piece of shit.

Can he be a decent human being again - that is for him to work on. And it is hard painful work. It means looking in the mirror and facing the ugly.

Can your marriage work again? Sure, it is a lot of hard work, pain, and commitment.

Can you trust him again - to me that is the hard question. After the last set of lies, I had said it was a deal breaker. And I was faced with my own consequence. It wasn't easy. I want to be married but I am not who I was - neither is he - so I asked for a trial separation. I'm scared, I feel awful and he feels worse. TOO BAD. He broke all trust again.

I need to find me again, and so do you.

None of this is your fault, he may blame you but this is the same person who decided to cheat and made that ok in his head. you simply can't listen to someone who doesn't live in reality and can't see reality and choices and consequences for what they are.

You are a good person with good morals - hold onto that tightly. Remember to value yourself. You are already leagues above your blue pill cheater. If anyone has doubts about themselves it should be HIM.

Value and love yourself. If you decide he is redeemable and try again, that is totally ok. But hear this, it is your decision, reconciliation is a gift and you are already too good for him. It is ok to decide you are finished if that is what YOU want.

None of this is easy. I am sorry you are here.

Big big hug. Keep posting.

PS. This is about 1pt font so I can't tell if I have typing errors. Hope it makes some sense. New computer, and clearly I am not winning the battle.

Sadismynewname posted 4/30/2019 14:03 PM

Yes Wintergarden, I to am living in hell after 35 years of thinking I had the best life ever. Mine is remorseful but the intermittent anger and hatred keeps getting triggered even a year out. I keep saying I bet you even tried the blue pill over there even knowing it has never worked! I did pm you too.

Wintergarden posted 5/1/2019 03:57 AM

I know that once he moves out I have to be strong and try to rebuild my life. I quit my job when I found out about his A and now I struggle to get myself going every day. It's hard to imagine how to rebuild when I'm in such a dark place.

I try to focus on all the bad things he's done so that I can see him for what he is and not who I thought he was, but bad thoughts are just so depressing.

I can see him moving on and getting on with his selfish life whilst I mourne my marriage and I can't let him do that to me.

nervousnelly posted 5/2/2019 12:15 PM

Wintergarden, I am so sorry you are here after such a long marriage. Someone told me that mid-life crisis doesn't exist. Bulls**t. It is real.

I had found the blue pills on accident - I didn't mention I saw them. Then I watched and waited. It was obvious they were not being used on me but kept disappearing. That is when my suspicions were confirmed.

32 marriage under our belt - trying to be younger, trying to last longer for the young fake POA who fluttered her eyelashes and made him feel "special".

You are in the beginning stages of the grief and pain...I have found great advice and comfort on these forms. I hope you do too.

[This message edited by nervousnelly at 12:16 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]