Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

So, never thought I'd end up on a forum like this..

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5

40YOSL posted 4/29/2019 14:44 PM

Actually in the US, with the exception of only a few States, adultery has no effect on a divorce.

However, the workplace situation could indeed be a big deal. Having your attorney out the A to HR will generally result in action being taken as well as possible compensation paid to you if you decide to D.

You need to expose the A to OM's wife even if they are getting a divorce. That may give her greater peace of mind about the decision to divorce. Exposure is not revenge. Informing her about the truth of her marriage for the last year is the right thing to do. OM may have been gas-lighting her for months prior to the filing and I believe she will want to know.

Jduff posted 4/29/2019 14:48 PM

When it comes to divorce things are quite different here then in the US, I think. It doesn't matter who commited adultery. A divorce is a divorce. You split things equal, no matter why you divorce. And if one part want to divorce, that's it. It doesn't really affect anything why the couple decided they want one. And neither will getting custody over the kids will be affected.

That's pretty much the same in the majority of the United States as well. Custody here tends to go 50/50 unless one or the other parent is deemed incompetent and/or unsafe.

Oh, and about telling his wife, they had started their divorce just prior to this.

Who told you this? Your WW? You might want to confirm this. It is one of the biggest lies by the WS/AP tell to make the affair "ok" to pursue. And if it is actually true he is in the middle of his divorce, you should let his wife know anyway what went on so that it could help her divorce...even though you think it may not "matter". He has a reputation to keep. His wife may think everyone needs to know about his workplace fun anyway. It could cost him a lot for her to stay quiet and that can be worked out in her divorce settlement.

So I'm pretty confident he pretty much used my wife as a.. What's the English term? Bouncing board? Well, I think you get my point.

Oh, that's generally what it ends up being...the WW was the company whore. Look, he obviously used his position and clout to get into her pants. Whether she was willing or not, a great majority of companies, especially those publicly held, greatly frown on this behavior from their execs. More importantly, you don't know how many other unwilling women in that workplace had to endure the unwanted advances and pressure to "perform" from that son of a bitch. Exposing to his company protects the unknown victims within it as well. I don't know what laws are in Sweden with regard to workplace sexual harassment, but if it were out here in the United States that jackass exec is looking at a lawsuit, with or without willing participant. Power + workplace sex = sexual harassment lawsuit.

Yoyob posted 4/29/2019 15:15 PM

Again, thanks for the input so far.

And I'll be frank, at this point, I'm not going to take most of it too serious.

I'm actually surprised by the answers here. I am greatful you all took your time and I am also sure you all say what you say with my best interest.

But since my therapist, our thereapist, my wife and most importantly myself, think we are on a very good route to have a good chance to work this through, I'll chose that road right now.

It might just show that you're all right at the end, who knows.

As I said, a lot, if not most, of what she's told me is confirmed by the texting they have done. And it's not like they made up the text a year ago just to hold on to a story if they where to get caught..

And as crazy as you think I am, I'm pretty confident I'm more sane and know more about myself, my wife and our relationship then most couples. It sounds strange. But it's definatly what I belive.

Again, thanks all for the input. It's actually been really helpful, despite me not listening to it right now.

[This message edited by Yoyob at 3:17 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

Marriagesucks posted 4/29/2019 15:26 PM

Sweden has VERY relaxed attitudes when it comes to sex. It seems from what you've written your WW leans that way more than you. Even you seem to have a ho-hum attitude about it.

What do you want to happen? I've never seen a tiger lose the stripes.

Lp0725 posted 4/29/2019 15:35 PM

I can understand you want to save your family and fix your marriage, but coming from a woman, you are going way too easy on your wife. She carried on a long term affair for no particular reason, other than boredom and wanting flattery and excitement. This means she will very likely do it again, and this probably is not the first time she cheated on you. You had good sex, good communication, good everything, yet she still lied to you over and over and betrayed you in the most horrible way. Marriage counseling won't fix her. She needs individual counseling to figure out why she did what she did. She may not be capable of monogamy. Right now with the actions you're taking, you're practically guaranteeing she will cheat on you again. Why wouldn't she? There have been no negative consequences for her. You should at least demand she find a new job. You seem like a very loving, forgiving person and your wife is taking advantage of that. You're saying you know her so well, yet you really DON'T know her at all. Did you ever think she'd be capable of fucking another man multiple times a week behind your back for over a year? Please realize you can NOT trust this woman, and you have to make her fight for your marriage now or she'll just continue taking you for granted.


SpaceGhost0007 posted 4/29/2019 15:48 PM

I think you have it all figured out. I donít think you need any help from us.

Your wife gets to go out and have sex with whoever she wants and your Ok with it. She has no consequences and gets to keep her job. It almost sounds like a humble brag coming from you.

There are a lot of people that are not able to get it out of their heads so easy. Since she can do whatever she wants and you will accept it I think you two will make it.

The only thing you need to worry about is maybe she will have sex with another guy that rocks her world. In that case she might leave but she really has no reason to right now. A guy like the OM will probably go for a much younger woman. I donít think he is a threat to you.

Seems like you have nothing to worry about.

DIFM posted 4/29/2019 15:49 PM

dupicate

[This message edited by DIFM at 3:50 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

Mene posted 4/29/2019 15:49 PM

Youíre delusional. Iím not sure what you want from us but it certainly isnít perspective. She likes threesomes and sheís acted it out and you donít like them. She did it behind your back, too. But thatís OK to you. She hasnít had any consequences. Why should she stop? This isnít her first rodeo by the sounds of things. You donít know your wife. I think youíre trying to convince yourself that you do. In the first few weeks post D-Day most BS are in denial and are in a daze. In shock. Your wife is dangerous to your health. Please go and test yourself for STDs. You, Sir, have the hallmarks of rug-sweeping. And co-dependency. Your wife treats you with contempt. I apologise for being so direct but you are being used by your wife.

And let the assholeís wife know. She may be carrying an STI that could cause complications to her health. And she needs to know the truth. If you were in her position youíd want to know too.

[This message edited by Mene at 4:08 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

40YOSL posted 4/29/2019 16:17 PM

Obviously you are not required to follow any of our recommendations. Our goal is to assist you to get out of infidelity.

While you don't need to agree with any of our advice, I believe it's to your advantage to read every response and give it some consideration.

We are on your side and we will try to give you support which ever route you want to take, whether it is R or D. We want to help you avoid the painful mistakes that we made by giving the benefit of our experiences.

Please keep reading and let us know how you are doing.

ramius posted 4/29/2019 16:18 PM

On the bell curve of how people respond to being cheated on...

You have Spaceghost & LtCdrLost on one end, and this guy on the other.

Shock and Awe vs Hey what can I do? She was horny!

Jduff posted 4/29/2019 16:33 PM

And as crazy as you think I am, I'm pretty confident I'm more sane and know more about myself, my wife and our relationship then most couples. It sounds strange. But it's definatly what I belive.

Wow. The denial is strong with this one.

Well, by the sound of what you call progress so far I wouldn't be surprised that your WW and your therapist will later try and convince you that an open marriage is the best path forward in your marriage.

Carissima posted 4/29/2019 16:54 PM

I don't mean to be disrespectful but I'm honestly astounded by your reaction. All you've basically said is how great your communication and sex life is with your WW is.

It can't be that great as she managed to cheat and have threesomes without you noticing for a year. You haven't mentioned going for STI testing, are you just trusting her world on that too?

Telling the MM's spouse is NOT some act of revenge on your wife but an act of common decency to his wife. To let her know what's been going on in her marriage and that she needs to go and get tested for STIs.

Are you planning on having your wife face any consequences at all for this affair?

iamweasel posted 4/29/2019 17:31 PM

All things considered you'll be here again, sooner or later.

goalong posted 4/29/2019 18:01 PM

May be your wife wants nothing happened to the OM. If that is the case it is not good start for R. The affair can be described as misuse of power by the owner and you have ground for a suit for monetary gains. Your WW should realize this and support you in a such a law suit

Odonna posted 4/29/2019 18:03 PM

I am a big supporter of trying to find ways to help a poster, even one who seems to be on the wrong course, although still advocating reconsideration of an ill-chosen decision. I am not saying you are on the wrong course, but I just wanted to share my basic outlook before giving advice.

Here, reconciliation may be a real option. It certainly is what you want. I get that. What you absolutely DONíT want is false reconciliation, which is basically sweeping everything under the rug and just hoping love will keep you safe from future affairs.

The bottom line you are getting in the advice here is to take this so seriously that you ensure the work is done to make her a safe partner going forward. First, you want her to agree to forever renounce further communication with the OM. No contact, no temptation. Second, you want her to figure out how and why she could lie to you with such abandon. For you, it is the lies more than the sex that is the betrayal. Third, you want guardrails on your marriage going forward that are based on honesty. If she wants an open marriage, or a threesome, that has to be discussed openly, and not pursued unless both parties agree. Based on what you said, I think you can agree with that.

So read each comment here with the lens of ďwill this advice help me accomplish any of these three things?Ē

I am going to warn you that BHs who want to reconcile often get beaten up here. Donít let that get to you. Take what is helpful and put the rest in ďthe file cabinetĒ for future reference if your goals or decisions change..

[This message edited by Odonna at 6:05 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

40YOSL posted 4/29/2019 18:20 PM

I'm actually surprised by the answers here. I am greatful you all took your time and I am also sure you all say what you say with my best interest.

It would be helpful to know which suggestions surprised you. We could then explain why we feel that particular action might actually be a good idea.

And as crazy as you think I am, I'm pretty confident I'm more sane and know more about myself, my wife and our relationship then most couples. It sounds strange. But it's definatly what I belive.

I don't think you are crazy, I think you've been traumatized by what has happened to you.

That you believe you know your wife much better that any of us is normal and makes perfect sense. That is a very common statement made by the betrayed spouse and seems perfectly logical. However, you would be amazed how many times those very same people came back saying "My god, you were right!!"

We don't know your wife, but we do know how most unfaithful spouses act and around the world, it's pretty much the same. It's like there is this "universal cheater's handbook" and the vast majority of waywards around the world seem to use it. So I'm asking you to not be so certain we don't know how your wife might act.

Atrowspark posted 4/29/2019 20:50 PM

I can't tell who is in the fog here, you or your wife....

Buster123 posted 4/29/2019 21:05 PM

Ignore the collective wisdom and advice of SI at your own peril, we've seen this play out literally thousands of times here and other websites, just look at your member number (70,439), you seem hellbent on rugsweeping the whole thing, btw EXPOSING is not for revenge, it's also intended to have her remember her A as the one thing that damaged her integrity and reputation and not as something "cool, exciting, beautiful and/or romantic". Exposure typically gives you an extra set of eyes to help ensure NC is established, the more people who know about the A the more difficult it is to hide.

I'll say it again, don't forget to get tested for STDs (full panel), yes your WW has been exposing you to potentially life threatening diseases. Good luck, you will need it.

anoldlion posted 4/30/2019 01:38 AM

I would venture by your user name you might be Korean. You are cool with your wife having sex with another man for a year; you are cool with her having a threesome; you are cool with no consequences for having sex with other men; so really what are you not cool with? With the way you see the situation I can assure you that this will happen again. You are getting screwed but not in the sexual way. You either already believe what she did is acceptable or you are trying very hard to convince yourself it is acceptable. You appear to think that as long as she is having sex with you and says she is happy in her marriage, she is free to have sex with someone else. What would be her reaction if you started having sex with a couple of other women? Would she be cool with that? You are uncool about the lying but if she had told you what she was doing, would you still have been cool with the sex she was having on the side? I would like to know just what would make you explode. You have an "open marriage" and wasn't told about it so you could be out doing the same as her. If this is acceptable to you then get ready for more of the same sometime in the future. I do wish you well.

ShutterHappy posted 4/30/2019 02:50 AM

Yoyob,

Iíll give you a somewhat different opinion.

Your post title states that you never thought you would be in a forum like this. Why did you post here? Because you are hurt by your wifeís behavior.

I wonít focus on the particulars of her betrayal (the sex acts), but rather the fact that she made some promises when getting married to you, then she lied to you for her own enjoyment for an extended period of time

Itís a terribly selfish thing to do.

She was in another relationship knowing that it could hurt you and your children and she did it anyways. Itís the ďme me meĒ attitude of your WW that is the issue.

You canít have a marriage without trust. You canít have trust with a selfish wife that donít mind hurting you for her own pleasure.

That is why some posters are suggesting that your wife will need IC and will need to change if you want any hope of R.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 2:52 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2019 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy