SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone. I just found this forum and desperately need help. I'll try to keep this short and I don't know the abbreviations, so please bare with me.

I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair. He's lied about everything. I don't even know where to start. I'm a stay a home mom and homeschooler. Our kids are 15, 12, and 11.

Is all started almost a month ago, I was going through his phone like I always do. We never had secrets. He was getting gas and I was sitting in the car bored, so I picked up his phone and looked for games to play but couldn't find any I was interested in. So I just went to his text messages, just bored and looking for something to read or do.

That's when I saw the texts from his "just friend" from work, telling her he loves her and sending her poems that he sent me. At first, he lied and said he says that stuff to everyone. I called him out on his bs, and he admitted it. He said it's been going on for a few months. He lied about that too because it turns out it was a year. We live in a small city and it seems everyone knew but me.

He was living at her house! He would lie and tell me he had work out of town when he was really at her house. He told her he was basically with me for the kids and he's been miserable for years. This was news to me!

He promised he he broke up with her. Spoiler alert, her lied about that too.

I have begged him, pleaded, chased him, restrained him. I'm not proud of it, but I was desperate to save our marriage. After our first marriage counseling session, he dropped me off and said he was going to a friend's house. Turns out he went straight to her!

I told him under no uncertain terms, I will not stay in this marriage if he stays in contact with her. He says that's my decision and I'm overreacting and if I take the kids, I'll be making a stupid and selfish decision because they don't want to go. He keeps saying things like "I'm not making you act this way. Stop trying to dig up stuff because you're stressing yourself out. If you want to leave, that's on you, not me."

I just left the house after he told me the affair was my fault! I lost a baby at 6 months years ago and it traumatized me. I didn't want to have sex with him because I didn't want to get pregnant and go through that pain again. I was messed up and we barely had sex, but he said he understood. Now he's saying it's my fault because I wouldn't have sex with him!

HE JUST WENT TO HER HOUSE TODAY! He snuck off after I fell asleep. We only have one car, so I'm stuck when he leaves! He has her house key and I told him to give it back. He said he doesn't want to!

I'm not from here, and have no one here, so I feel stuck and I hate him. I never thought I'd be divorced, we've grown up together and been through so much together. It makes me sick that he's ruining everything.

Please give me some actionable steps I can take. I've fought so hard for this marriage and have nothing left in me. There's so much more I can say, but my mind is all over the place and I can't focus. Please help.

I'm so sorry, Needful that you are going through this. You have found a superb place to get advice. One thing to know it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Read in the Healing Library, keep posting here as members reach out to you. They will give you great advice. For now I am sending you a big hug and am ensuring you that you are not alone in this.

Sorry you are here needful. The most important thing is to take care of your health. You will be the stable parent for your children. Your WH’s A is not your fault. He is totally responsible for his shitty decisions. You did not make him do anything. Get tested for STD’s and see an attorney to know your rights. Read in the healing library and read and implement the 180 to help you detach. From what you describe you have been doing the “pick me” dance. Don’t feel bad it is very common for a BS to be desperate to save the M. The “pick me” dance with begging, pleading, and restraining never works. Your WH sees these actions as weak. Be as strong as you can. Stop doing things for him. Only communicate about kids and finances. Expose his infidelity to the OBS if the OW is M. Also expose to your family and friends. Some feel that this can generate negatives if you ultimately decide to R, but exposure has a tendency to kill the A. You decide what you feel is best to expose. Realize that you are in control. You can’t change him or force him to want to be in the M. But you can move yourself out of infidelity with strong affirmative action. If he decides he wants to be in the M he has tons of work to do. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:31 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

See an attorney. Immediately. Out him to his family and friends. Call his family and tell them.

Read about the 180 in the healing library. Go ice cold. No emotion. Stop talking to him. Do not respond when he addresses you. He is invisible. Take half of every dollar you both have and deposit it in your own separate bank account.

STOP doing the pick me dance. Pack his bags for him if necessary.

If you don't think it will jeopardize your own financial security, EXPOSE them both to their supervisor. Keep posting. Stop, close your eyes, and breathe. 20 deep breaths. Eat, drink, sleep, exercise. Your physical health is going to suffer due to this trauma.

Others will be along to help.

I am 3 1/2 years out, and I've never been happier in my life. You will be, too. You will survive this. You don't think so now, but you WILL.

See an attorney (or several) immediately.

Out them to everyone, their boss, their clergy - their family.

Make sure you take care of yourself - IE drink h20, eat healthy, exercise - see your doc if you need additional help with anxiety/depression. Find a hobby to keep your mind off him - and tell your friends so you have a support system. Come here to vent too. The folks here give great advice.

Do the 180 on him (see healing library). Basically, all the nice things you did for him as his wife, don't do them. Don't do his laundry, cook for him, clean up behind him etc. Don't call him, don't text him unless it is something dealing with household budget or any kids/issues. Don't beg him to stay - just act in different.

Start separating yourself financially from him. If you don't have a job, find one...(harder to do, I know). Don't be his plan B.

(hugs)

Time to call an Uber or Lyft to get to an attorney. Start talking with friends and building a get-out-of-infidelity plan since he seems to think you're stuck with him with no options but to stay with his cheating ass.

(((needful))) please start by taking care of yourself. Make sure that you eat, stay hydrated and try to sleep. Remember you did nothing to deserve this...and right now you certainly deserve more than he is giving you. You deserve respect.

Please use the resources of this site and go to the Healing Library (yellow box) and start to read. Make an appointment with your doctor and get screened for STD. I hope you have IRL support and if possible try to seek counseling.

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be. It's hard to accept the fact that the man you married, the man you loved, the man you respected..... no longer exists.

Please keep reading and posting.

You will survive!!!!

Hi, needful. I'm so sorry you're here but you've found some of the best people around. I see we live in the same neck of the woods and it makes me so sad that you are going through this.

Listen to the others and, when more than one person says the same thing, REALLY LISTEN - they know what they are talking about.

I'm sure it was a mutual decision to homeschool and have one car, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that, but it sure does have you on lock-down. How convenient.

How dare he say that this is your fault? I don't care if you haven't had sex for five years, this is NOT your fault. From what you wrote he seems to have a bad case of arrogance - that calls for what the others have suggested, a hard 180. I'm sure he'll scream and yell and try to get a rise out of you when he notices that you (outwardly) don't give a damn, but stay strong.

I'm so sorry about the baby you lost. I can't imagine. You're in a tough spot so post when you need to, it'll help more than you can imagine.

Needful,

Big hugs to you. I was a homeschool mom when I found out and my kids were 10, 12 and 14. His affair had been going on for 2 yrs and was with a client. I stayed with him for 3 yrs, trying to reconcile. I was terrified of divorce, but in the end, I had to find my strength and self respect and leave. It was the right choice and my kids and I are doing great. My ex tried to blame me because we didn't have enough sex. But truthfully, my ex wasn't meeting my emotional needs and I was exhausted and not feeling the love. It's a two way street. Hang in there, keep posting and reading here and try to rest, eat, take walks. It's a rough ride, but you will survive. I'm here if you want to talk.

Thank you all for your advice. It's really hard to take care of myself or do anything right now. I don't know how to do that. I feel comatose and can't concentrate on anything. I have multiple anxiety attacks a day now. I can't focus, everything is a trigger.

Both his and my family knows. His family is here and they haven't done anything. My family is hundreds of miles away, so there's nothing they can do.

He's at her house as I type this. Our town is small, so Uber and Lyft aren't available here. I Googled and there aren't even any divorce lawyers here. That's how small it is.

I've thought about getting a job but the only jobs are retail, factory, and restaurants. Since it's so small here and everyone goes to all the same places, I'm terrified of her coming into my place of employment. Or worse, her coming into my place of employment with my husband on her arm.

I've been reading through the library and will start reading some book recommendations. I feel like I'm dying.

Please see your doctor. You may benefit from medication to help with anxiety attacks. Nobody can think clearly when they are panicking.

Consult a lawyer on line. There are plenty of websites to choose from. Get the one closest to your town.

Call an abuse hotline. They may be able to refer you to affordable help.

Good luck and keep writing.

Call your family and ask for assistance on moving there.

You need a support system and in a small town NO ONE will be that for you.

is the car in both of your names? If so, take it when he is sleeping, pack it with as much as you can and leave.

Just leave.

If he values your marriage he will follow - if not, you know he is not the one you want to grow old with.

I am so sorry for your pain. Your husband is totally responsible for his extremely hurtful actions. You need to see an attorney and a good counselor. Do not let him make you feel in any way responsible. The pain is intense. I wish I could tell you how to fix your marriage, but until your husband ends it with his POSOW he is not your husband - not the one you fell in love with. Protect yourself and your children. And know that you have friends here who understand what you are going through.

Needful, how are you doing?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Nothing you did caused your husband to cheat on you. He cheated because he's a lying cheater with no loyalty or respect for you. I understand your town is small, but you can easily consult with a lawyer over the phone. Are you close to any larger cities? If so, go see a lawyer there. Make this your first priority. You need to lawyer up ASAP! Do you have access to the bank accounts? If so, you need to go get half the money from them and open a separate account for yourself. Right now, he has all the power and you have devalued yourself by clinging on to him. Take your power back. Show yourself, your children, and him that you will NOT be anyone's doormat! If I was you, all his shit would be packed up and outside by the time he got back from her house. The locks would be changed. He has a key for her house and has been living there, so you could claim that he has already abandoned the marital home. No more marriage counseling. Focus on yourself and your kids. Go ice cold on him. Only talk about kids and finances. Once you consult with a lawyer, you need to file for whatever you can get. Be ruthless. He doesn't give a shit about you, so it's time for you to not give a shit about him! You are far too good for this guy!

I Googled and there aren't even any divorce lawyers here.

Make some phone calls and see if you can't set up a telephonic consultation. I am a lawyer (NOT a family law attorney) so I know that there are some lawyers that will come to you or meet you somewhere. Family lawyers see this stuff all the time so they are used to situations that seem foreign to you. Make some calls and don't get discouraged - you will find someone if you keep trying.

Do that as it will give you something to focus on and because you need to understand your rights. It sounds to me like your WH is not going to do anything until pushed, and maybe not even then. Unfortunately you cannot make him do anything...but you can protect yourself, which should be your focus right now. If he wants to tell himself that you are the problem, how can you change that exactly? My WH did (and still does) the same - and they do this precisely to avoid accepting their own behaviors. It's like gaslighting themeselves...so for now you need to figure out what your options are as you cannot control what he will do.

Note, that does not mean you have to act on your options, but make yourself your Plan A so you will have choices and not feel so stuck. It all feels out of control right now because it is. Work towards regaining your own control right now as that IS something you can do.

Hello again. Sorry for the delayed response. I kind of retreat into myself when going through difficult times and this is the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with.

I contacted a lawyer over the phone and he said I'd most likely get the kids because they're with me all the time.

WH... I don't even know where to start. I hate him. He let the other woman break it off, supposedly. He's still talking to her at work. Offering her food, telling her she can call whenever she needs anything, etc. I hate them both so much. He sees nothing wrong with keeping contact and said I'm too rigid in my expectations and he can't be an asshole and tell her to leave him alone. He's so weak. He is not the man I married. He's ruining everything over this trash person. Oh, and her family knows. They've been knowing. They're just as trash as she is, so they don't care.

He told his cousin that before I found out, he had two families, ours and hers. She's a single mom. He actually said that he thought of her kids as his! I'm disgusted.

He told the trashboat on the phone while laying in bed with me that he wanted to be at her house but he was here because of the kids. After hanging up, he said he only told her that to appease her and the fact that he was in bed with me meant that's where he wanted to be.

There's so much he's said and done. I'm sick of him and his games. We actually listened to How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair and I thought he finally got it. That was over the weekend. As soon as his stupid, weak ass got back to work, he fucked up everything again by telling her she looked good. He's such a weak idiot. I despise him.

My grandfather got me and the kids train tickets that leave at the end of the month. I'm secretly packing up our stuff and UPSing it back home.

I need some books that'll help me not feel so much hatred. I want to move past this and not care about him anymore. I'm listening to Codependent No More and How Can I Forgive You? But they aren't helping. I need something short and to the point, hopefully with bullet points that tell me what to do.

[This message edited by needful at 10:18 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

So sorry you're having a tough night. For a short, healing book, you might try The Miracle of Mindfulness: An Introduction to the Practice of Meditation by Thich Nhat Hanh. It's very short and can get you started in the practice of Mindfulness. This is something which can get you focused on the present and will help you combat trauma. If that is something which interests you, you can move on to Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, which will take you more in depth.

I'm sorry you are here. I'm just a little over 6 months of finding out that my perfect, envy of all my friends, well known and respected chairman of the deacon board husband of nearly 30 years had an an affair.

I chose not to out my husband. Not for his sake, but my own. I didn't want my children to doubt the love he had for them like I was doubting it for me. I didn't have the emotional energy to address their emotional toll as I am still doing well to handle my own. Now, my situation was a little different. He cut off contact with the other woman, took and passed a lie detector test, and truly repented. I recognize that in your situation, outing him may be the very thing you need to do.

Only you know what's best for you. Everyone's situation is different. Dealing with an affair is not a "One-size-fits-all" process.

You cannot begin the healing process if the injury is still ongoing. You've got to protect your self physically and emotionally from his ongoing betrayal of you.

I also live in a small town. It's uncomfortable when I run into people who know. So I can relate to that. It adds a whole new element that people who have the luxury of the anonymity of larger population areas do not understand.

Take care of yourself first. With your kids home all day, you really don't have time to process what's going on. (Just to give you a heads up, I'm still trying to process it 6 months later.) You cannot take care of your kids if you do not take care of you. Eat, get rest, protect yourself.

Avoid making major decisions right now. That's one piece of advice I wish I had heeded. At the time, I thought I had reasoned it out over a couple of weeks and even sought guidance from a couple of people I could trust. Looking back on it, I was not thinking as clearly as I thought I was. I'd like to have that decision back.

Do you have anyone that you can talk to?

I doubt your WH even know who he is, he's so two-faced - like janus the Roman God. Call him Janus in your head from now on, that will help you detach.

He sounds positively adolescent and immature, and despite having no sense of real 'self' manages to be entirely selfish and self-seeking. Certainly he has no empathy and no real interest in trying to understand your feelings, so do not waste any more time getting him to read or listen to anything, it just gives him the language to play you even more.

I applaud your stealth plan to leave and get out of the situation, which sounds dead-end where you are, in terms of possible employment and contact with him/OW.

I'm really sorry, I know it's such a shock and you will swing between denial and despair, but already I get a sense of you gaining some sense of hope for the future, albeit a glimmer, so it may be that you haven't been happy for a while.

Keep reading here, and we're all here to support you.