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Please help, I can't think straight

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The1stWife posted 5/2/2019 10:05 AM

There is a point where You have to come first.

As in your happiness and sanity. You are now the primary parent and you need to be emotionally strong.

I think you are doing the right thing in leaving. Otherwise he will lie to get you stay in an unhealthy relationship.

heartbroken_kk posted 5/2/2019 10:53 AM

He is emotionally abusing you, talking to her on the phone like that while lying in bed with you. You have to get out of this relationship immediately. Staying with him will have long term negative impacts on your mental health. Abuse of this kind is very hard to see when you have been slowly fed an increasing diet of being demeaned, devalued, manipulated, and taken advantage of.

Please call your family and ask for help moving to their town. Ask them to help you find a place to live with your children. Get out as soon as you possibly can. Ask for help finding a car, and getting to court to file for divorce. You need to file ASAP, including spousal support and child support. Make him pay for what he has done to you and your children. Get angry and stay angry.

Absolutely 180 his ass. Stop begging him, he isn't going to stop his affair and you know it. He's already been exposed and it doesn't matter to him. He will keep going back to this woman. He is lying when he says anything else. The affair won't end, and neither will his emotional abuse of you.

WhatElseToDo posted 5/3/2019 22:11 PM

You can't stop him from being with her, but you can certainly stop him from being with you. The question is - why are you lying in bed with him while he tells another woman he doesn't want to be there? If he's telling her what he thinks "she wants to hear" what makes you think he's not doing the same to you? 180 him, hard. Let him know you are no longer interested in what he has to offer, and he is welcome to get the hell out of your house. "Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya".

Pick what's left of your dignity up off the floor, and let this man child know that he's not on your level. You are better than this, and more importantly, you deserve better than this!

Heartinpain posted 5/3/2019 22:35 PM

Needful,

I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this position. I am only six months out from my initial D day and 2 weeks from the last one. I know exactly how you feel. I understand the anxiety, and the feeling of being incapable of participating in life. I can tell you my experience, take what you feel is helpful and leave the rest.
My WH did some of the same things yours did...left in the middle of the night, had an alternate life with OWís kid. I find myself daily, thinking this is not the man I married. When i first found out, I did the ďpick me dance.Ē As they refer to it on this site...tried to be the best wife I could. 4 times, I caught him continuing to contact/ meet her after he promised me it was done. Initially, I didnít listen to the advice on this site. I thought he was different, I thought we were different. I was wrong. I should have listened the first time, and Iíd be further down my path of healing.
If he doesnít show true remorse (and based on your description heís far from it), the best thing for you and your kids is to get out now. Leave him to the OW. You deserve to be the first choice and if he canít see that, then itís his loss!

StillCoping74 posted 5/5/2019 09:43 AM

A book I found to be very helpful is Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn.

pureheartkit posted 5/6/2019 11:31 AM

The best you can do is look after yourself and your children. He is on the path to me me me land. That isn't a good husband, father or even friend.

Your love for him can stay. You don't have to get angry but some say it's a good motivator. What you have is a man who can't feel how wrong this is to do to someone. He cant reason that this is destructive and hurtful. He isn't capable of seeing how wrong it is to give someone this much pain and anxiety. All he can see is he wants it all. Ok good for you king of your mind, but that's not the world we live in. We are not here to use and abuse. We are here to help each other.

Wouldn't it be great if he could see it like this but unfortunately you have to protect yourself in this kind of situation.

Sure he will fuss when the new situation happens to him. Don't you worry about it. He's not going to jail or some awful fate. Do the best you can with your legal help to give your kids the best situation possible. He's playing with your physical and emotional health. You should be living with as much calm and wellbeing as you can. Someone who doesn't care if you suffer.....that's not a partner, that's a user.

Life is not meant to be a long sorrow. When mom suffers, the kids are sad too. You wouldn't want to see them sad, so do the same for yourself. He can take a long look at himself when he sees you won't allow him to be so selfish and hurtful.

Please get some flowers for yourself, maybe a pretty bracelet in your favorite color that everytime you see it you think my life is precious. My happiness matters. Make decisions that build you up, go in the direction of a bright future. You not his object he has to treat you with love and respect or you find a life that is meaningful elsewhere.

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