SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This plays along with the sexual past and would you date a former WS threads.

If you were to decide to start a serious relationship with someone who's cheated in the past, what questions would you ask them to determine if they've healed and did the work properly?

Hypothetical question only.

I am qualified to speak on this topic, see my sig.

xWGF said that she had cheated. I asked questions to try to determine what her "healing" had been. That, and she had a shelf of the right books. She talked a good story.

Turns out she lied. Who knew?

I'm not really interested in whether or how a Ws has healed, what I listen to very carefully is whether they take ownership, whether they have some insight as to why they did what they did, whether they understand the ramifications for their children and basically have empathy for those they've hurt. If they continue to blame their Ex because they had an A, then I ask for the check and go. I have no time for that.

My STBXWW just does not get it. She takes 100% of the responsibility for her affair, but then says she was vulnerable and got seduced. She tells me that I need to take responsibility for how my actions contributed to her choosing to have an affair. She tells me tgstbye marriage was doomed anyway, but begged my best friend not to out her because it would destroy the marriage. Oh, and the best... blow jobs dont count as adultery. Yup, shes a keeper...and available if anyone is interested.

It sounds like maybe it's common for them to think they did the work, and really believe it, but, like most suppressed issues, they pop back up again.

Yup.

What did you learn from that experience?

What helped you the most (i.e. reading, IC, etc.)

What do you wish you had done differently?

What do you wish you had done more of?

How do you see this shaping how you view and treat relationships and relationship partners now?

Actually, any of those questions are good ones for anyone having experienced infidelity (WS or BS).

Cat

WW has gotten into the mode of simply saying she messed up and the bad that she has/is going through was brought onto herself.. but it said with the gist of like talking about the weather..

There are times there are tears tossed in.. but I don't buy it.

It's like she is trying to find a way to play victim, or damsel in distress. Huh, Wha... Go figure???

Question.. Which was harder, being fake to the world about everything.. or to her kids and me?

Does she see and feel she could actually be honest bout things someday?

(Cause I do not see her ever repairing or actually healing as she avoids such stuff at all costs)

[This message edited by LilBlackCat at 4:03 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]

Not having reached indifference, I would love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation between the xww and her new boyfriend. The sheer entertainment value in seeing her dance and evade this line of questioning from her new guy would be priceless. I could only imagine the stunning omissions in her tail of woe.

I can only speak to what I’ve asked in dating:

How long ago was it

How long did it last

How many were there

What did you learn

Was it worth it

What brought you to do it, ie. the why’s

What have you done as a result to grow

It’s not a blanket answer of no, but listening to what is said and how. Whether they all of a sudden sport the cane, top hat, and tap shoes There were a string of them before I found a good one

ETA- I’m laughing myself silly here thinking about that convo...

Yeah, I know you have two small kids, but it was ONLY one convicted child molester

[This message edited by OuttaCoffee at 4:38 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]

I keep going back to that conversation with my girlfriend (recent ex). She did say it was a mistake and that she'd never cheat on me, but she kept saying "I'll never do things out of order again". Ie, I might leave you for another man, but I won't cheat on you. Interesting...

Counting out the sociopaths who just feel they deserve more, cheating is a form of coping mechanism. It helps them to run away from whatever issue is bothering them. The problem may be something in the marriage or some personal demon of theirs. But I believe it will always resurface unless some serious work has been done. It's easy to say you won't cheat when things are going perfectly. So you are stuck with someone who most likely won't have your back when things go rough or you have a personal crisis of your own. They won't be invested in the relationship as much. And you are expected to be perfect all the time.

Just after joining here, I saw a WS who claimed that she did the 'work' and was an active member who participated for a number of years. Both her and her husband had thousands of posts here. Yet her husband was back with another EA that was about to turn into a PA. She joined in 2011. That's 7 years of 'work'. I have never second guessed my choice after seeing that.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 2:04 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

Thank you everyone for your wise input on this. It's helped me solidify some feelings and know how to proceed in future relationships. This forum is amazing.