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He loves her

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Wintergarden posted 4/16/2019 02:37 AM


Please check out 'different perspective', by afg100. He is several months on, but reading his story may give you strength to move forward with confidence

Please can you tell me how to search for this, you say it's in General but does that mean checking every page?

nekonamida posted 4/16/2019 07:32 AM

Please can you tell me how to search for this, you say it's in General but does that mean checking every page?

It's on page 2 of General right now.

Wintergarden posted 4/16/2019 11:04 AM


Thank you!

SadEyes0311 posted 4/17/2019 15:58 PM

Met a lawyer today.. but she shook me to my core. Is 6 weeks past Dday too soon to file for divorce? She says in my state that is the only way to keep him from playing games with the bills/ mortgage at this time.
He is being a complete ass. He is mean and the nice. He text me in a way that I canít even recognize. I ask him to leave and he wonít.

But I feel it is too soon to file. It is all so fresh.
Iím so hurt and confused.

Odonna posted 4/17/2019 16:05 PM

Follow your lawyer's advice to the letter. You can always stop the divorce process before it is completed. But he is threatening you with financial unfairness and you need tools to stop that that only a court can provide once there is a filed case.

Gently, you also need to impress upon him that you have boundaries and limits and he cannot any longer just suck you back in with his manipulations. If there is any real chance of him waking up and realizing HE HAS TO CHANGE, then filing for divorce is it. Then you will find out whether he will go to IC, give you full transparency on all communication devices, stop blame-shifting and gas-lighting.

If you have not read Linda McDonald's book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" please download the free pdf and do so. I recommend this book highly, because it teaches BSs what a truly remorseful spouse should be doing (not just saying) and he/she then can compare that to what their WS is doing. Your WH also should read it, so he knows what he has to do to be a "re-builder." If he won't do those things, or refuses to read the book (it is very short), then that message is crystal clear also.

[This message edited by Odonna at 4:17 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

Edie posted 4/17/2019 16:09 PM

Do you think he felt threatened by you Ďbetteringí yourself by taking a degree? I wonder if thereís a correlation...feeling he was competing for attention with your books... the timing is possibly coincidental though.

Anyhow, that doesnít excuse his vile behaviour.

I feel heís calling your bluff, likes having two women supposedly in thrall to him.

I suggest you file. There is nothing to lose at this point and everything to gain (rid of abusive husband, gain of self respect). Inertia gives him too much room to manoeuvre.

Really sorry Sad.

beauchateaux posted 4/17/2019 16:51 PM

Do as she says and file. It's the only way to ensure the kids are protected financially, because apparently you are the only one worried about their well-being right now. He's in la-la land and doesn't look to be coming out anytime soon.

Look at it this way - your marriage as you knew it is over anyway, regardless of what happens next. It's dead, he killed it. That will still be true, even if you two can somehow manage to work it out.

You can always remarry, and many here have if the circumstances warrant it. But right now, he deserves to be slapped with divorce papers, and you and the kids deserve all the protection the law can give you. He's certainly not protecting any of you anymore.

I'm sorry it has to be so sudden, but it is what it is. I think you'll feel better if you do it, and he'll be gobsmacked. He's treating you like crap because he doesn't think you have the guts to do anything about it.

Prove him wrong.

ChamomileTea posted 4/17/2019 17:06 PM

Six weeks isn't too soon to file if your financial security is endangered. When you flip the script, that's six weeks of remorseless, in-your-face cheating without any real consequences. If one of your kids was slapping his sibling in the face every day and taunting, would you, as a parent, say that six weeks is too soon to take action?

But let's put that aside for a minute. At the bottom line, yours is the only opinion which really counts. So, you have to do what you feel is best. If filing is off the table for you just now, what are some other things you can do to guarantee financial security for you and your kids? How much money do you have put away? How much do you need to keep your family floating for as long as it would take to get a judgment if your WH withholds cash? Can you improve on your employment? Do you have access to all the billing information in order to verify that bills are being paid? Do you have someplace you and the children can go if your WH makes your home situation intolerable?

There are lots of practical things you can still be doing, even if you're not ready to file yet. Getting an exit strategy together will help you feel more confident too.

Hang in there. I know it's hard, so make sure you're taking great care with your health. You can't afford to get bogged down with illness and, as you know, emotional stress ends up affecting our physical health.

((big hugs))

Odonna posted 4/20/2019 07:38 AM

How are you doing today, Dear?

SadEyes0311 posted 4/20/2019 08:23 AM

After a few days of in my face cheating while him asking me to give him space I took my girls Friday after school and came to my sisters house, He works the weekend but I felt it a bit to toxic to be home. Once gone he asked me to be civil and I ignored him and and onslaught of abusive and disrespectful messages began.
At this point the affair was the trigger, , but his verbal and mental abuse is the real reason I can stay in this marriage.

I donít know this man and the things coming out of his mouth are insane. He refuses to notify his dr so that his testosterone can be re-evaluated. And I almost feel like Iím grasping at straws anyway trying to rationalize his ups and downs.

He is just not the man I married and I just donít see how coming can change 15 years of behavior in 5 weeks.

I feel lonely, defeated, heartbroken for my kids. But determined to have a great Easter without him.

Still planning to file on Monday but feel like I should hold out for a more aggressive attoirney the one I saw stated that she canít make him leave the home.

I do have consults with 2 more scheduled but I donít know if I can wait it out or not.

ChamomileTea posted 4/20/2019 08:42 AM

Save off all those text messages. Anything he puts in writing is something you might end up putting in front of a judge. And depending upon whether these texts are aggressive or threatening your safety, they could be grounds for a restraining order.

I don't think your first attorney is necessarily wrong that you can't kick him out of the home. That's the way it is in a number of states. Typically, you've got to file a request for exclusive use of the home and a judge needs to give a verdict on it. But if there aren't any compelling reasons for it to be granted, the court's hands might be tied. If your WH is abusive to you or to the kids, that would be a compelling reason. So, the question becomes, is he just being a dick or is he legitimately frightening you?

pureheartkit posted 4/21/2019 00:31 AM

Abuse is never justified. Please give yourself as much distance as possible. It helps clear the mind. Also, your body needs a break from the stress of the abusive words and attitude.

Sharkman posted 4/21/2019 05:38 AM

You really need that D filed for your own protection. My gut is that a search for better lawyers could stall this process. I would file with this lawyer

josiep posted 4/21/2019 07:39 AM

He told you not to make him choose? That's easy -- it's no longer HIS choice. It is YOURS. You are right that he no longer has a say in your life, and I hope that realization will help you 180 him, get your life in order, and live it fully without him.

We often forget that we are allowed to be the choosers. At least once in awhile.

Sad, I think filing now is the right thing to do. As others have mentioned, you can always stop the proceedings if he'd happen to get help for his issues and become a decent husband and father again.

I encourage you to tell the lawyer to file for exclusive use of the home and show her the text messages. If that can't be done, then the next time he comes over and causes a scene, call 9-1-1. I'm not suggesting setting him up but also don't hesitate. It sounds like he's escalating and you want to have a plan in place.

I do believe you should talk to his supervisor and find out if this behavior has been noticed at work. Or maybe something happened at work that has set him down this ugly path - did he maybe have a close call and now has PTSD from it? I believe you should talk to the people close to him, not to hurt him but to find out how extensive his bad behavior is and maybe someone can get him to do something about it.

Additionally, if he drinks, that could be the issue. Or drugs. Or even a health issue or RX interactions. Maybe his supervisor could convince him to get checked out.

That said, however, you must make you and your kids your priority right now. His mind isn't rational right now so continue to stay NC except for the kids and finances and do that all by text and email. No talking. (so you can keep a record of it all).

Odonna posted 4/22/2019 14:41 PM

Are you filing today? We are around and have your back if you need to talk.

SadEyes0311 posted 4/25/2019 21:29 PM

Today after an ugly few days my stupid STBEH texted me instead of his AF. He has been calling me names talking down to me etc for weeks now and he texted her such a sweet text I nearly died.
But instead. I got the fuck up and filed for divorce.

I text him in the parking lot and said I donít want to fight anymore but this marriage is over.
He text back and said I donít want to fight anymore either. Your not leaving me so stop already.
I asked him one last time her or me?
He said stop.

I took my ass upstairs and filed.
I choose me.

Justgettingbye posted 4/25/2019 22:35 PM

ďYouíre not leaving me so stop.Ē?????? OH YES I AM MOTHERFUCKER!!!! What a COMPLETE PIECE OF SHIT!!!! Iím sooooo glad you finally filed!!!!! FUCK HIM!!!!!!!

deena04 posted 4/25/2019 23:39 PM

The fact that he is trying to throw it in your face by saying that you will not leave definitely implies he is narcissistic and a complete jerk. File, fake it until you make it on acting like it does not bother you what he does because he is not your problem anymore. Lastly, find a new way to be happy in life. It does not have to be about him.

BearlyBreathing posted 4/25/2019 23:52 PM

So glad you filed. Itís a long road but you are tough! And yes always pick you.

Odonna posted 4/26/2019 01:48 AM

Wow, the fact that he would simply ANNOUNCE to you that you are ďnot leaving me so stopĒ is the most narcissistic, controlling, abusive things I have ever seen. But gently, he must have some basis for that in your submission to him over the years, so that is something for you to explore in IC. Also, expect his threats and manipulation to escalate now, and you will need your IC for support and to shore up your resolve to escape this abuse.

Document everything and let your lawyer see it and guide you. Also expect that you may waver; he has installed a lot of your buttons and know where your weak spots are. It is natural to be afraid of divorce, but a much worse result would be to subjugate yourself to him for life. Your future of humiliation with him is the worst hell that you must now flee with all speed.


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