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He loves her

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STLLOST posted 4/15/2019 11:09 AM

I'm so sorry Sad Eyes. I can totally relate to what you're going through. Everyone says "they are showing you who they are so believe them". Well you said you had this great husband for 13 years and it's just recent since D Day that he's changed. I get that because everyone is telling me the same thing but how do you take how they are acting currently as them showing you who they really who were they before? Weren't they showing me who they were before and this is something else?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't believe his audacity to leave for the night, admit it that he's with her and that he chooses her and then expects to come home to his loving wife and act like everything's great. They are delusional.

Hurtmyheart posted 4/15/2019 11:13 AM

I want to say a couple of other WH and I have been married 31 or 32 years now. I can't remember for the moment! He wasn't like this either until around 7 years ago. First when my mom passed away and I took over the trust. Then 2 years later, my brother passed away and then another 2 years later, my other brother passed away. The passing of my first brother hurt my WH deeply. He did not handle this very well and this was one of my WH breaking points. Plus, I was rejecting and ignoring my WH because of his heavy drinking and also was beginning to have wayward behavior and my WH wanted to control me and our life decisions and I couldn't have that. It wasn't working for me anymore. So, I do understand your WH has not always been like this.

I'm sure the stress of raising 3 young children, your full time schooling and on top of it, your working has played a heavy role in your WH behavior. The both of you are very busy trying to better your lives for each other and your children. THIS DOES NOT EXCUSE HIS CHEATING BEHAVIOR. He should have talked to you and told you how much he missed and needed you, instead of acting out and retaliating against you for trying to better yourself and your life.

I can only imagine the stress you are experiencing trying to balance such a heavy load.

How old are your kid's?

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 11:15 AM, April 15th (Monday)]

Wool94 posted 4/15/2019 11:24 AM

My wife's AP was a cop. At first, I didn't know if he would show up and shoot me while claiming self defense or what.

After listening to a couple of my friends who were cops, I decided I was safe.

The best thing my wife and I ever did was to report him to his superiors on 2 occasions.

He's never stepped out of line again with us.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 11:25 AM, April 15th (Monday)]

manofintegrity posted 4/15/2019 12:17 PM


[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:44 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

ICaughtThem posted 4/15/2019 12:31 PM

My FWW's AP, who is a Fireman/Paramedic, didn't like it very much when I sent e-mails with proof to his shift captain, the fire chief, city council, and the mayor. Tell your WH's chief of police. Most don't like their patrolmen pulling crap like this. Do it for YOU.

Bobbi_sue posted 4/15/2019 13:36 PM

**Send his AP the texts he sent you while in her bed.


But don't do it hoping to break them up. Do it because he is a sleezeball. I'll bet she thinks he is being "faithful" to her rather than begging you for sex. She has such a low opinion of herself that this news won't stop her from the A (most likely) but you need to be the one who respects yourself and get out of this marriage.

Hugs to you.

SadEyes0311 posted 4/15/2019 14:15 PM

Our daughters are 12,11 and 7. I know nothing of his AP that he loves and protects so much he said I will never know her. Itís not her fault, he lied to her for 3 months and she didnít know he was married and when she found out she was mad that he lied. But the affair continues, he said he stopped seeing her for 2 weeks but I kept badgering him so he went back. I forced him back and now he canít stop.
His department is currently going through a change in mayor and chief so I will be better off waiting and then exposing to his superiors and co-workers although like his family Iím not sure they will care.
I have an appt with an attorney on Wednesday and my last communication was clear. His behavior is abusive towards me and Iím not taking it anymore. He can have his space, done speak to me unless itís about the kids or finances. He waited an hour then asked which days I need him to watch the girls for school or work and that has been it.

I have 2 sisters who are horrified and supportive but also are afraid of the abusing he has been doing. I know I am better than this. It is just my heart hoping that my husband will wake up and itís just a fantasy. Thatís not going to happen. He is a narcissist who cares about himself only at this point.

OptionedOut posted 4/15/2019 15:32 PM

Sad Eyes,

He sounds terribly cruel. I read your first post. Now he's texting you after screwing another woman?

See a lawyer. He doesn't deserve you.


Babette2008 posted 4/15/2019 15:39 PM

I agree with other posters. He's "setting you up to fail" so he can feel ok about the affair. He tried to talk to you but you wouldn't talk to him. You wouldn't have sex with him, You we're cold and not loving. Etc... He's worse than most - texting you openly from her bed is pretty low, even by cheater standards.

My H and I got in a fight and he came out with "you never consider what I want when you decorate the house it always has to be your way" (I'm in the middle of painting the dining room). Later when we were fine I asked about it he said that he realized that (a) it wasn't true and (b) it WAS one of the things that he made himself unhappy about when he was having the affairs, but realized that he rarely expressed a preference and that when he had that I had listened to him he was basing this off of one set of yard sale dishes that he hated but I liked and made us use. He just used it as another data point to tell himself that I didn't care about him.

AbandonedGuy posted 4/15/2019 17:34 PM

The guy's a piece of shit. When they think (or actually are, for what it's worth) in love with the AP, the marriage is over. Done. Kaput. No coming back. Ditch this grody asshole and move onward and upward without him.

SadEyes0311 posted 4/15/2019 18:04 PM

He called to ask about the money I moved to a seperate account. Told me I was going to now get the asshole 100% and the he would pay only the mortgage and nothing else. Ok everything is in his name so I donít know if he will even be civil when separating finances. Iím keeping his messages as proof of the abusive way he was speaking to me. He probably wonít come home from work or will and pack and leave and at this point itís ok. Iím ok. He can go and be free and I will be free of these feelings.
You all are right and I have realized if he loves her my marriage is over. I will be ok. And his daughters will grow up and see that their mama did the right thing even if it hurts right now.

ChamomileTea posted 4/15/2019 18:08 PM

.... he said he stopped seeing her for 2 weeks but I kept badgering him so he went back. I forced him back and now he canít stop.

You know, we see blame-shifting every day here at SI, but this is still a particularly florid example. Really, WHAT do you see in this guy? How could that have even sounded good in his brain before it came out his mouth???

You're the only one who can decide what's good enough for you, but if it were me, I'd strike while the iron is hot, get the best divorce settlement I could while he's still in la-la-land and all caught up in schmoopie dreams... and then I'd never see or speak to that asshat again.

You deserve better. Everyone deserves better, and you're no exception to that rule. Write it down 100 times in your journal, now, today... "I deserve better".


ChamomileTea posted 4/15/2019 18:11 PM

Sweetie, he doesn't love her. He loves HIMSELF. No one who is even capable of love could treat other human beings the way he treats you. He's quite likely a narcissist. Right now, he's just enjoying the OW's flavor of kibbles, but it's still all about what HE gets out of the relationship.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:35 PM, April 15th (Monday)]

swmnbc posted 4/15/2019 19:05 PM

Not to say that my cheater was any better than yours, but mine cried and said he would always take care of me and the kids. I can't believe the level of teenaged ridiculousness that's coming out of the father of your children.

Don't engage. You can't win with someone who isn't playing by the rules. If he wants to cause his children to lose their home or not have food to eat, that will look so bad for him in court. I think he's bluffing, but even if he isn't, you're so much better off without him. The courts will provide for you.

swmnbc posted 4/15/2019 19:06 PM

I think some rote responses are best. "If that's how you feel." "I'm sorry you feel that way." Don't object. Don't threaten. Don't beg. Don't counter. Just accept what he said and leave it.

Sunny69 posted 4/15/2019 19:23 PM

Sad eyes, my heart is breaking reading your post. Please check out 'different perspective', by afg100. He is several months on, but reading his story may give you strength to move forward with confidence. Sorry 'different perspective' is in general. Hugs and best wishes being sent your way

Tallgirl posted 4/15/2019 20:48 PM


amethyst0323 posted 4/15/2019 21:01 PM

I'm so sorry to read what you are going through.

It baffles me when a parent walks away from his/her kids and tries to deny their responsibility.

He may not love you or want to be with you anymore but after all your years together the fact that he treats you like this and is prepared to punish your kids is a true testament of the man he is.

Keep being strong, you are going to make yourself and your children a bright and successful future. As horrible as this is, the example you set to your kids will set them up for the future and they will know they always have one parent who has their backs even if the other doesn't.

pureheartkit posted 4/15/2019 22:13 PM


He tries this and that, says this and that. So many hurtful words blowing in the breeze. They can blow away. He tries to get you to give in to whatever he wants at the minute. He has lost himself in his ego. That's not someone to rely on. He's frustrated that you don't play your part in his movie all about himself. Imagine the lies and games she's getting. She might look amazing but she's getting herself after a selfish user. Maybe they are on the same level, who knows.

Nobody should be disrespected and abused and he is freely indulging himself in this absurdity. I was thinking yesterday how people are so free with bad behavior and right out in the open. All over the media. There is no shame, they just flaunt it defiantly. Look at me, I'm disgusting, I'm hurting my devoted wife and destroying my family. I'm using another woman. I'm so great. My body rules me and I've lost my decency and compassion.

I hate to see arrogant WS fall like this. I think it's very sad. You would think he would be a protector, not a bully. You would think he sees the world's worst and so he turns to the light rejecting it. It won't be exciting forever. It won't keep giving the same high and then he'll be on to the next one. But you'll be long gone.

You'll be surrounded by people who care, getting calls from people who love you. You won't have to think about what he's doing or where he went. You know where he's going. He's going in the opposite direction from you. He's on that train to a place that never feels satisfying.

If he starts spouting again in front of you. Imagine what could be instead. It's your movie now. Who is that standing there, what are they saying? I bet they're not hounding you for sex or else they will be forced to commit adultery. I bet they aren't coming in the door after spending the night out betraying their wife. Nope, they are looking at you with love in their eyes so happy and grateful to have a great caring partner. They're planning to take you out on your birthday and want to make sure you're free. They want to ask you if your girls would enjoy something and wouldn't it be fun? They just want to hold your hand after a very long day.

It's your life. He doesn't get to ruin it. That little rooster can go crow someplace else. That's all it is just noise. Kick that rooster off the fence. He's become a nuisance.

Wintergarden posted 4/16/2019 02:37 AM


Please check out 'different perspective', by afg100. He is several months on, but reading his story may give you strength to move forward with confidence

Please can you tell me how to search for this, you say it's in General but does that mean checking every page?

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