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Why is he miserable?

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J707 posted 4/13/2019 12:21 PM

It's only been a week since he left!! In my situation I made the choice to file D to woman I loved with all my heart and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Not only was here A the most traumatic thing to happen to me but then I had to deal with D on top of it. Nobody gets Married thinking I can't wait to get D. I made my choice to get out of Infidelity and end the M. I'm a year out since making that choice and it still hurts. Hopes and dreams are gone, for me I've excepted that, for him it still is fresh.

StillLivin posted 4/13/2019 21:14 PM

It's not that he wants a divorce, he just doesnt want a cheating, lying wife that was capable of betraying him so horribly. In time, he'll look back and see your actions as the favor they were. He'll rejoice that his life has one less person capable of betrayal in it.
I was devastated when I filed. Today, I could kiss Shrek for taking that unworthy POS off of my hands. Lord knows I've said praise to HIM for taking him from my life. But it takes time for the heart to catch up with the head. The fact that you are being so decent in the divorce instead of trying to destroy him makes it even harder. At least my Xhole was awful and made the detaching easier.

sassylee posted 4/14/2019 02:30 AM

Unspecified:

-You have a pm-

sillyoldsod posted 4/14/2019 03:29 AM

Iíve read stories of people being happy to be rid of their cheater so I kinda expected that reaction. I mean this is what he wants right? He was happy at first yes but now heís not. Heís physically sick. I donít understand. He does not want to R. He says heís done so shouldnít this be a happy time?
Root, I imagine countless BH's on here holding their heads in their hands at what you've written above!

I do believe you when you say you don't understand. I feel sad for you and I hope one day you will be able to understand.

I also hope you'll take on board what others have said and read their replies with some degree of empathy.

Best wishes for the future.

bookworm19 posted 4/14/2019 04:11 AM

Root, maybe your world is black and white, I don't know (shaking my head as Sillyoldsod predicted). It shouldn't, but it still surprises me how uninsightful some waywards are. I imagine he is hurting because in order to survive he has to leave a person he loves behind. The world is not black and white, it has many shades and some are really hard to stomach.

IslandGirl4418 posted 4/14/2019 06:05 AM

It's almost 2 years since I decided to D after 26 yrs. I am still miserable. I do not regret my decision butI felt I had no choice. I did not want to R because he continued to lie and I could see that would be even worse. I am still grieving my marriage. I still throw up every single morning. He is on his 3rd girlfriend and cheating on her. I feel like I wasted my life on a narcissist and that is very disturbing. Not sure I will ever recover.

ramius posted 4/14/2019 18:09 PM

Really?

His marriage, his life, have been flushed down the toilet. And you are literally confused as to why he is less than ecstatic about the divorce?

This is a mystery?

DigitalSpyder posted 4/14/2019 18:41 PM

You guys done piling on yet?

LivingWithPain posted 4/15/2019 11:09 AM

You guys done piling on yet?

No one is piling on. She came here and asked our opinions, and we gave them to her. If she wanted to be coddled she would not have posted here.

farsidejunky posted 4/15/2019 11:22 AM

Root:

One of the best and worst things life offers us are lousy choices.

They are often posed to us in a way that makes us choose between that which we want and that which we need.

Once the choice for need is made, we go through varying degrees of regret.

I have read your other threads. Your husband likely isn't leaving you because he wants to; he is likely doing so because he must.

Root posted 4/15/2019 11:24 AM

It was a sincere question. Iíve heard of People dancing as they left the court room. People who were happy to be free. I thought Iíd be in this camp and Iím not which confused me. He acted like he hated me.

The irony is my doctor added a new med and Iím feeling better. My kids are taking it hard so I spend a lot of time with them. I cook and clean the house. Too little too late I know.

I do feel bad for what Iíve done to him. I know he left because I treated him like shit. My way of showing empathy is by being cooperative, kind and humble. I donít contact him at all. Iíve done everything heís asked for and more. Iíve agreed to his settlement offer. This may not be acceptable to SI however if it were all about me I wouldnít do any of this. There was a time when I wouldnít have done any of this.

2 of my kids talk to BH every day. One is angry. Sheís seen him and talked to him but itís strained. Sheís a 16 year old girl and itís been 2 weeks. The light has gone out in her and thatís sad. It doesnít feel right to talk her out of her feelings right now. I let her be while still being positive about BH. This isnít his fault itís mine.

[This message edited by Root at 11:29 AM, April 15th (Monday)]

barcher144 posted 4/15/2019 11:25 AM

ďYIPEEEEE! Iím getting divorced!Ē, said no one ever.

At least at first. I was upset for 2-3 weeks after my STBXWW told me that she wanted a divorce. Once I accepted reality, I noticed how much better/easier/enjoyable my life was. It turns out that constant criticism is not good for me.

I literally went through 4-6 weeks of euphoria... simply because it felt so good to get away from her negativity.

No one is piling on. She came here and asked our opinions, and we gave them to her. If she wanted to be coddled she would not have posted here.

Yes, people are piling on. You can offer differing opinions without being cruel... many of the comments here are cruel.

Root... I think that he's sad about the end of his marriage, even though he knows that it's the best thing for him. It's not that complicated. He probably loves you very much, but yet still needs the divorce.

AbandonedGuy posted 4/15/2019 11:43 AM

Root, you're doing right by being cooperative, but know that he's going to be all messed up inside. Like everyone else says, nobody wants to get divorced, even if they know it's a good idea. You have to be pretty emotionally bereft to walk through the divorce door and feel very little. I ended up making out on the divorce and ditching a toxic person and growing tremendously from the whole experience, and I still lament the fact that it had to be this way, end like this. I've been through a whole lot of bullshit throughout life, and this was easily the worst thing I ever experienced.

Root posted 4/15/2019 12:30 PM

Heís being nice though. Mowed the lawn, took the dog to the vet, offers me money (I declined), I did take money for the kids (put it in the lock box), works around my schedule for divorce meetings, etc. I offered to mow the lawn, I canít lift the dog, and Iím saving money for when I get my own place. I tell the kids no unless itís necessary. Ive got 6 months until the lease is up. Heís paying most of bills because I canít afford to. He split the expenses and I pay my part. Most of the decisions are made by him now.

Rustylife posted 4/15/2019 17:48 PM

Don't worry Root. I hope your financial situation improves. This can be a new beginning you guys need. Sadly you both were never able to come to the same page regarding reconciliation. Dissolution of the family unit is sad for everyone even if it's necessary.

Phoenix1 posted 4/15/2019 18:26 PM

2 of my kids talk to BH every day. One is angry. Sheís seen him and talked to him but itís strained. Sheís a 16 year old girl and itís been 2 weeks. The light has gone out in her and thatís sad. It doesnít feel right to talk her out of her feelings right now. I let her be while still being positive about BH. This isnít his fault itís mine.

I totally get that you are trying to do right by your BH, but this ^^^ concerns me. Are you saying your DD16 is angry at her father for the D? Does she know the real cause and the part you played? If not, she needs to be told the truth. She is old enough to know her father is not the one responsible for the break up of the family.

I hope I am wrong about this.

MickeyBill2016 posted 4/15/2019 18:28 PM

When I filed, I didn't want to but there was nothing else to do. I went to the county and as I gave the papers to the clerk he paused before time stamping them and asked if I was sure. Sadly "yes", I answered. He wished me well and I left quickly not wanting to cry at the courthouse.

I didn't see anyone dancing that day.

OuttaCoffee posted 4/15/2019 19:24 PM

Root,
It is THE most gut wrenching experience realizing that a D is the only solution. I would have given anything to not have to have gone through with it. Three years of false R, the barrage of TT, digging, information mining, and everything else could have been turned around so quickly with a small amount of real thought and effort here. I donít know all of your particulars, but I do know the misery divorcing brings. Itís not a one stop shop and on with life. I was helpful to my ex all throughout as well. That too will end when itís more painful to be in the otherís company doing things ďfor the kidsĒ or whatever other reason to be present evaporates. It all feels like being used again ultimately.
The fact that you notice his current state is far more than a lot of others. He will have a multitude of things to work out, and theyíre not fast. Others have stated a good synopsis on the various subjects, but by far and away morning the death of an assumed life and future is the worst of it. Itís what kept me clinging to the shit sandwich for as long as I did. It does get better, agonizingly slow, and non linear, but it will eventually for him.
I hope you make the best of your situation.

anoldlion posted 4/16/2019 14:57 PM

Right now your husband's brain, heart, emotions, and life is just one big mass of mush. His thoughts are telling him what could have been and now what is. He is at a place where no matter what decision he makes it's going to be the wrong one. I have been there. Not in infidelity but in life or death situations. You see what is in front of you and you see no good decisions where things will be right, but you still have to make a decision. It's like standing on an ice float far from shore. Do you stay on the float and starve slowly or do you try to swim for shore and very possibly drown. Do I stay with the person who ripped my heart out or do I try to move on and maybe drown once I have left. Having to make such a decision is pure h*ll. It's going to be a long time before he will ever feel normal again, no matter what decision he makes. I do wish you well.

waitedwaytoolong posted 4/16/2019 18:55 PM

My decision to tell her I was done was by far the hardest and most traumatic decision I ever made. She was remorseful, turned into almost a stepford wife trying to please me (which wasnít good but thatís for another post, and after 5 years after her affair thought she was out of the woods.

She set the ball in motion, but it was my decision that we would never spend holidays as a family anymore. We would not travel like we planned, and I knew this would destroy her as ultimately this was her fault it all happened.

How could anyone feel good about that. Hearing her crying and begging, along with my daughters was awful. My dreams died that day too.

I think for some with serial cheaters who show no remorse it might be a happy day. But this wasnít what I envisioned on our wedding day

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