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Why is he miserable?

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Root posted 4/12/2019 14:38 PM

BH left me a week ago. We are on track for a quick divorce since I am cooperating. I saw him today for the first time since he left and he’s miserable. Kids have been telling me the same thing so it’s not just me. I’ve read stories of people being happy to be rid of their cheater so I kinda expected that reaction. I mean this is what he wants right? He was happy at first yes but now he’s not. He’s physically sick. I don’t understand. He does not want to R. He says he’s done so shouldn’t this be a happy time?

Darkness Falls posted 4/12/2019 14:49 PM

My H told me he was the same way after our D—he regretted it almost immediately.

In his case it was because he acted in haste and didn’t think it through, but I know that’s not y’all’s situation.

Catwoman posted 4/12/2019 14:50 PM

Divorce is never happy. It's the death of many things--all of the hopes, dreams and stuff, but also the death of things like family gatherings. Weddings and happy events will not be the same as they were with an intact family. You miss out on time with your children. You may end up sharing your kids with a step-parent.

Even though I couldn't stay with my unremorseful spouse, my divorce was not an event for which I was happy.


Hawke posted 4/12/2019 15:19 PM

What Catwoman said.

I couldn't stay with my unremorseful ex, but I wasn't happy to break up my family, only see my kids half the time, live on a great deal less and permanently give up on the future I had once thought I had. I was also afraid of the future, of looking after the kids on my own, of my financial stability, of being alone.

OptionedOut posted 4/12/2019 15:20 PM

Because he hurts. He loved and trusted you. You were married for 27 years and his life feels like a big lie. In time, he will get past this. His life will go on and he'll be happy again.

Does any of this help you? What are you looking for? Just a question as some WS feel special that they are still central to their BS. Others hate that the BS hurts so much and feel horrible that they've destroyed a marriage.

Justsomeguy posted 4/12/2019 15:58 PM

Forgive me but did you make this all about you? I mean, as a BS myself, I am feeling horrible, but nog because ingotvrid of a cheating wife, but because my lifdceas destroyed and now i have to rebuild.

ibonnie posted 4/12/2019 16:09 PM

I mean this is what he wants right? 

Do you really believe this is what he wants? You don't think he'd rather have you being proactive about your mental health and being a wife that he can trust and that isn't having BPD mood swings when he's not paying enough attention to you?

Phoenix1 posted 4/12/2019 16:13 PM

I didn't WANT to get D. I didn't WANT to see all my future hopes and dreams get flushed down the toilet. I didn't WANT to see my family get broken apart. I didn't WANT my kids to turn on their father. I didn't WANT to face the future alone.

But he gave me no choice, if I wanted to save my sanity. I HAD to make the decision to D because I could not live with a cheater. Making that decision was heartbreaking.

I understand why he is miserable. The person you trust most in life has betrayed you and turned your world upside down. He is probably not happy his life is playing out this way, and probably never envisioned this for his future. He's likely hurting at the waste of his own hopes and dreams.

WithGrace posted 4/12/2019 16:28 PM

He didn't want a divorce, he wanted a faithful partner. Through no fault of his own he was left with having to choose between two unappealing options; try to R with a WS or file for D. He chose the option that made the most sense to him. He is now grieving the marriage, who he thought you were and the life he had planned. He is also facing the challenges of divorce including reduced time with his children, increased financial pressure and figuring out his new normal as a single person. I would cut him some slack.

I strongly suggest you take the focus off your STBXBH and work on getting your side of things in order. It is no longer your job to worry about him. Continue your efforts to cooperate with the divorce and work hard to be the best person and mother you can be. I wish you peace during this difficult process.

LivingWithPain posted 4/12/2019 16:56 PM

Just because your BH is divorcing you doesn't mean he's a heartless bad guy. He's mourning the death of the marriage as much as you are.

I don't mean to insult you, but I think you have a condescending attitude. Your BH has made the adult decision to leave a marriage that is no longer fulfilling to him. He has made the adult decision to divorce you in the legal and proper way. He his not leaving you for another woman. He is not cheating on you and taking the coward's way out.

Respect him and support his decision. Take responsibility for your role in it. And please do not turn the kids against him or win them to your side just because you are mad at him.

firenze posted 4/12/2019 17:48 PM

He says he’s done so shouldn’t this be a happy time?

Why on earth would this be a happy time? He's coming to terms with the fact that his cheating, mentally unstable wife swindled him out of what were supposed to be the best years of his life and that in the end, there wasn't even enough left there to salvage. So now here he is, in his 50s, about to be divorced, thinking about all the time he lost because of you, wishing so many things about his life could've been different but knowing he can't change any of it, and wondering what he's going to do and where he's going to go from here.

My exWW was a remorseless sack of shit but that didn't mean that getting divorced was a happy time for me. Sure, I wanted to be done with her, but what I wanted a lot more than that was for my wife and the mother of my child to be a decent, honest, faithful woman with whom I could spend my life. If after only six years of marriage and eight years together it was that difficult for me to let go of what I thought I had and what I had pictured for the future, I can only imagine how hard it's been for your BH to do the same after decades.

max2018 posted 4/12/2019 18:52 PM

Removed my post

I'm not getting banned for this

[This message edited by max2018 at 6:53 PM, April 12th (Friday)]

Zamboni posted 4/12/2019 19:19 PM

“YIPEEEEE! I’m getting divorced!”, said no one ever.

There is nothing fun or pleasant about a divorce. Even the ones that people claim are civil.

It really is like a death. It’s so painful no matter what the circumstances are.

cantaccept posted 4/12/2019 19:35 PM

I filed for divorce. I was miserable. Heartbroken and miserable.

I did not want a divorce. I had no choice. I had to save myself.

I needed to divorce. I sure didn't want to.

It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I had to divorce the husband that I still loved.

Justsomeguy posted 4/12/2019 21:53 PM

Forgive me but did you make this all about you? I mean, as a BS myself, I am feeling horrible, but not because i got rid of a cheating wife, but because my life was destroyed and now i have to rebuild.

unspecified posted 4/13/2019 01:19 AM

This post almost sounds like trolling. Are we being trolled? Who was ever happy after leaving a life partner who recently revealed themselves to be a con artist? This does not require much reflection in my opinion...

unspecified posted 4/13/2019 01:26 AM

Wait... Read some of your posts. You want to make this easy on your partner. That's great, and it's the right thing to do, but don't let yourself be fooled into thinking the trauma you've caused has been significantly lessened by doing this. Fine, you lessened it by 1%.

My STBXWW does this all the time - express remorse, take a few actions that seem relatively decent, and then attack me about why things haven't become peachy between us (by feigning ignorance, referring to my "ego problem," etc). When you can't understand his reaction or it feels unfair to you, go back to square one.

Marz posted 4/13/2019 01:59 AM

This isn't a gift you're giving him. It's the decision he made but has consequences just like anything else.

WithGrace posted 4/13/2019 06:17 AM

Root, do you have any thoughts on the responses from the D/S crowd?

bookworm19 posted 4/13/2019 06:24 AM

I wonder why you ask, is this a rhetorical question or are you struggling with empathy. He said to you, if my memory serves me right, that he has to leave while he still loves you. There is your answer.

I know how hard it is to live with somebody with BPD (if your diagnosis is correct), it is exhausting.

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