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11 year update

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Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/8/2019 00:52 AM

PMs for the off topic stuff?

vasfree posted 4/8/2019 07:13 AM

I tend to agree with you Wishiwasnthereto, and I'm relatively new to this scenario. My DDay was 14 months ago and I played the humiliating pick me dance, her having convinced me that it was all my fault and that I had been a horrible man, husband and father for the past 19 years. Guess what, all the while we were attempting to R she was developing a full blown relationship with her AP - who just happened to be our sons' martial arts instructor for the past 11 years and who is 17 years younger than my wife. There are no words that can express the hurt and pain that I wake up to every day knowing that while I'm at work supporting my family she is spending the afternoons with him on her back plotting their fairy tale life together. I am an attorney and I already told her that I will burn through every dollar of our assets to achieve my goals in this divorce. It doesn't stop the pain or the trauma but I know that God sees everything and I feel so sorry that the girl that I fell in love with has turned into this snake like creature. So in looking back over the past 14 months, unless your WW accepts full and complete responsibility for the A and is willing to do anything and everything to set things right and contribute to your healing - run! I stuck it out for my two boys but they now see what she has become and while they still love her this will be the moment that they will remember most from their childhood - and it really does suck.

Scoobydoo posted 4/8/2019 07:17 AM


thank you for posting your opinion,

After reading your thread I was wondering if you regret staying for the last 11 years?
I stayed with my WH bc I had 4 small now be in a similar situation all these years later with our kids moved out with families of there own, half of me regrets staying but the other half doesn't, which kind of baffles me & leaves me confused

if you could do it all over again would you do it differently?
im asking for purely selfish reasons sorry :(

Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/8/2019 08:02 AM

Scooby, Iím just as torn as you are. Part of me feels humiliated and weak for staying. The other side says I made the best choice I could at the time. If it werenít for the kids the choice would have been simple. Kick the lieing cheating bitch to the curb. But my just couldnít leave my kids. I couldnít do it.

demolishedinside posted 4/8/2019 08:40 AM

Thank you for your candid update. We were in R for three years. He cheated again. I thought Iíd be...angry? I think itís that I took risks in my career and entire life that Iím now having to rebuild that did not allow me to strike hard at the time. I have young kids and it definitely does give you pause. I was raised poor. I never wanted to live like that again. I donít want it for my kids either, but I cannot imagine living like this for long. Heís on the couch. I canít imagine sex at all. I donít trust that he wonít continue or hasnít. I donít check up on him now, though.

I guess I could stay for a comfortable life for my kids, but 12 years is a lifetime. I honestly am stunned heís not making a move. Sleeping on a couch for months or years would not work for me. Iím sad really. Iím sad that these ridiculous encounters meant more than the life we had. More than my love and faithfulness. More than our kidsí security and happiness.

Wishiwasnthereto, I donít know how to make the next choices. Unfortunately, my trusting led me to lose my career and financial security until I can find something else. Then I need to decide the way I can best live for my kids. How did you choose?

Bigger posted 4/8/2019 09:38 AM

Of course infidelity can NEVER improve a marriage.
What can improve a marriage is the work of reconciliation Ė if done properly. Infidelity could be a catalyst that leads to the hard work of infidelity.

In many ways itís like if you have a health-scare and decide to change your lifestyle.
Imagine you have a near-death cardiac arrest and in recovery decide to change your diet, stop smoking and start exercising. That decision on its own does nothing. Nothing at all. Buying healthy cook-books and a gym-membership does nothing. Lifting weights while eating unhealthy and smoking wonít bring any improvement. Nor would becoming vegetarian but still smoke 2 packs and no exercise.
If you follow the advice of a nutritionist, start jogging and go to the gym then Ė with time Ė you start seeing progress.

Five years later you might reflect Ė driving home from a marathon-race Ė on how you are in the best physical shape ever. At that time, you wouldnít be thanking your lucky stars for the cardiac-arrest that was the catalyst for change. You would realize that everything you have done could have been done without the build-up of an unhealthy lifestyle. You would be grateful for where you are DESPITE the affair, not thanks to the affair.

Itís the same with infidelity. If you experience infidelity in your marriage AND you and your spouse decide to reconcile the journey needs to be done by both. Itís not a project that ends after six weeks, or something you can do on and off. Itís a life-long change in how you and your spouse interact. Itís remembering to sit down and budget, be accountable, having date-nights, setting joint goals, equalizing work-balance, sharing interestsÖ Basically itís taking marriage seriously.

The goal of R isnít simply to recover from the infidelity. Long-term infidelity is only a milestone on the road of reconciliation. Sometimes that journey can lead a couple to a point where their tracks split. Maybe it does end in divorce. No guarantees. But for couples that make it through it creates a marriage based on communications and respect.

I would hope that any person that discovers their spouse cheats knows their spouse well enough to evaluate if they really want to do this journey with them. Is your spouse a running-partner and encourager in the gym or is your spouse going to hold you back? Is the infidelity defining or is it out of character? I would also hope the BS knows himself well enough to know if infidelity is a deal-breaker.

If TRUE reconciliation isnít attainable Ė be it due to the WS or the BS Ė I would hope that the betrayed spouse does not hang onto a weak excuse like ďthe benefit of the kidsĒ to stay in a miserable marriage. All research indicates strongly that kids base their expectations of marriage on their parentís interaction. Kids should make a BS think hard about D and might tip the scale for at least an attempt to R, but it doesnít change the requirements from BOTH to successfully R.

There is NOTHING wrong with divorce, and IMHO reconciliation is SO HARD that if there are not kids D is generally the better option. But anyone that posts here on SI with a single-solution for every case and/or insists the other option (be it R or be it D) isnít possibleÖ is simply exposing his narrow-mindedness IMHO.

totallydumb posted 4/8/2019 10:39 AM

Agree with your lifestyle changes Bigger.

However, if there is a heart defect problem that cannot be fixed by modern medicine, all the exercise, healthy eating and lifestyle changes won't make a bit of difference.

Same with a cheater. If it cannot be fixed, all the IC, MC in the world won't make a bit of difference.

All depends on the situation I guess.

In my case, the cheater can't be fixed, and I am assuming some others on this thread feel the same way.

Bigger posted 4/8/2019 10:44 AM

And thatís totally their prerogative. But just because ďyourĒ cheater canít be fixed there is no need to imply that no other cheater can be fixed. The founders of this site and some of the moderators are living proof that reconciliation is attainable. Just like a lot of the mods and guides are living proof itís not for everyone.

Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/8/2019 16:59 PM

Demolish, youíre in a difficult position and I feel your pain. Heís a cereal cheater according to you. Heís sleeping on the couch so that does not pass my Be polite until the kids are grown suggestion. This is not healthy for you or your children and will not end well. I think you know that. There is plenty of help out there for you. Go to your local Church. Get out and start over. You can do it. I know itís not easy. Sorry youíre here.

Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/8/2019 17:12 PM

Bigger, thanks for posting.

Is the infidelity defining or is it out of character?

When I joined this site 11 years ago I remember vividly the response to my suggestion that this is not her character. Weíve spent hundreds of hours in Church together. The feedback I received was that is in fact her character. I was in complete shock. And you know what? After a decade of hard working reconciliation... they were right!,

Infidelity isnít like a near death experience. Itís in fact DEATH to the marriage. ITS DEAD! Any attempt at reconciliation is like using the defibrillator to bring it back to life. Sometimes it works. But itís never the same.

[This message edited by Wishiwasnthereto at 5:12 PM, April 8th (Monday)]

Marz posted 4/8/2019 17:22 PM

There are successful reconciliations. Just because yours didn't work out doesn't mean they all end up in failure.

I agree with you that your marriage ended with the affair. IMO reconciliation is a remarriage. You chose that path.

It is never a good idea to jump into R without taking some time to think through it first. Unfortunately a lot don't. You know the capability is there so if there isn't a plan in place to change that behavior you can get a repeat.

Everyone has a choice. It's not written anywhere that you must R or D. You should always take a thorough look at what you have to work with.

Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/8/2019 17:56 PM

Just because yours didn't work out doesn't mean they all end up in failure.

I was waiting for this cheap shot lol. 321...

Iím sharing my story to the Freshman class. To those who have just found out and are on the fence. The deep,dark lack of character that causes one to commit Adultery does not just go away because they were found out and any reputable marriage counselor will tell you character issues cannot be fixed.

Marz posted 4/8/2019 18:10 PM

It's not a cheap shot but a fact. I get your feelings.

I'm not an R at all cost fan. Read some of my posts. That's why I think a lot of thought needs to go into one before committing.

fareast posted 4/8/2019 18:26 PM


Excellent post Marz. Marz is hardly the poster boy for R. He gives the hard truth rather than sugar coat it. Thank you for posting this so we can all talk to the freshman class. We all have our experiences to share here. This site is founded by folks who have successfully Ríd. Both R and D are acceptable ways to get out of infidelity. There are successful Rís. There are people for whom infidelity is an immediate dealbreaker. There are those who attempt to R and it ends up blowing up in their faces in false R. You can never R with a WS who is not willing to do the work and does not want the M. But people do change. We see it every day on these forums. Not everyone. But people do change. There are those that successfully R and build a mutually fulfilling long term M. Either way you choose you will receive support. Anyone who tells you they know for certain that you can never R with a WW, that they all have irredeemable character flaws and can never ever change, that you will always sleep with one eye open no matter what, is absurd and ridiculous. These sentiments are not new in this site. Many try to discourage any attempt at R with a WW. Thatís fine. It is a legitimate point in my opinion to always recommend D if your WW commits infidelity. It is one way out of this shitstorm. But that is far different than what the OP is putting forth. From what I can tell his opinion arises from legitimate feelings of anger, pain, and loss. I get it. But it doesnít mean they are any less bullshit. Personally, I could give a shit whether a BS decides to R or D. Itís their life and their decision. Take the advise you can use and leave the rest.

[This message edited by fareast at 6:47 PM, April 8th (Monday)]

Marz posted 4/8/2019 18:44 PM

I'm not against R like most would assume but I don't think they should be entered into lightly.

IMO you must have the right conditions for a chance of success or you can end up wasting a lot of time/life in these things that you can never get back. Even then there are no guarantees.

It's always a choice you get to make.

Marz posted 4/8/2019 18:53 PM

If you read fareasts bio you get the gist of the correct way to proceed.

He made the decision to get out of Infidelty and set the bar high on what was acceptable. It then became clear as to what his wayward needed to do in order to be granted the gift of R.

Many just stay together and then wonder why it's not or doesn't work out.

The other key is recognizing if it's a deal breaker or not. If it is then nothing else really matters but most people have a real hard time making that decision and will linger.

survrus posted 4/8/2019 20:05 PM


You wrote about cheating being the death of the marriage, I think it may be worse than death. Many posters have noted how the death of a loved one caused them less long term grief.

I think it has something to do with the fact that infidelity keeps stabbing us with every trigger. Unlike the good memories we laugh to ourselves about our dead relatives there are no good memories about an affair.

marriageredux959 posted 4/8/2019 20:06 PM

Hell, I fell backwards naively and stupidly into reconciliation and it still worked out OK. No repeat incidents. I feel confident in this because I handle the money, the household, the cell phone accounts, etc. Husband's paycheck is direct deposited into our joint account and I manage it. I balance our accounts to the penny, check debits and charges online, often on a daily basis.

Husband not only appreciates this service, he values it. It's one of his "love languages," acts of service. Husband walks into an orderly house and home at the end of the day. He values stewardship; it's a strength of mine. It works for us.

Time is well-accounted for, as is location. Not due to any suspicion or suspicious activity, but due to some other infrastructure and daily commute concerns, we've both had tracking software on our phones for years.

None of these things has anything at all to do with monitoring or with what happened years ago.

If there has been any indiscretion in the ensuing years, all I have to say about it is that it must have been one easy to please lady in terms of the investment of cash, attention and time. Bless her heart, I hope Theoretical Female finds more satisfaction in life. /sarcasm

I really didn't put *any* effort into "reconciliation" at all, back when this thing actually happened.

I've put effort into reconciliation since the most recent revelation about it, in the form of reading (Husband has done his fair share) venting with the venting on top, a little counseling, digging up ancient history and relating patterns of behavior and mindset (probably not in the healthiest way, but I think the process was valid and useful) and posting on SI.

Mostly I'm working on "reconciliation" now because I'm supremely butt hurt. I'm butt hurt that this thing even happened at all.

I can also say with great confidence that the thing means a hella lot more to me than it ever meant to Husband. The only reason it means jack to him is because he stepped over that line, betrayed me and his own integrity. Otherwise it's forgettable for him- except I melted the eff down and I *made* it unforgettable.

I know it often doesn't work out this way at all. I'm not bragging, I'm not gloating. What I'm pointing out is that if the WS wants to correct the behavior, then it will happen almost by magic for the BS, unless there is some sort of addiction(s) involved, or other intrinsic issues.

If the WS doesn't care/doesn't want to correct the behavior... different story.

Reconciliation is not impossible. It's not a magical unicorn. Given how prevalent infidelity of all types is, and that half of all marriages persist, then a significant number of couples stay married. Do they stay happily married? Hell if I know- but there are as many ways to be married as there are people, as there are couples.

One size does not fit all.

Scoobydoo posted 4/9/2019 00:15 AM

Thank you for your response,
Does believing our husband/wife isnít as selfish as they appear to be? Believing our husband/wife loves us as much as we love them? Make us weak, IMO thatís not weakness thatís just believing in our relationships, our partners & our vows, however stupid it seems itís the truth!

Hindsight can be your best friend or your own worst enemy sometimes!

Good luck with your future I genuinely hope you find some peace & happiness while you heal

Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/9/2019 05:23 AM

Thank you Scooby. I understand the ďnot my wife. Sheís changed!Ē Feedback. My post wasnít meant for those in R which is a lifetime process. Im just sharing my personal experience. If sheís proven herself capable of committing adultery. Sheíll likely cheat again and justify it in her head. IMO
Best of luck Scooby-Doo! ;-)

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