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11 year update

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HouseOfPlane posted 4/26/2019 08:37 AM

This rule needs to be given some nuance. There are bad generalizations and good generalizations.
I think that there is the truth, and there is something else.

I'm of the mind that it was lies that got us here in the first place, lies are not going to get us out. If this isn't the time for the truth...wherever it takes us...when is?

sewardak posted 4/26/2019 08:41 AM

" If this isn't the time for the truth...wherever it takes us...when is?"

isn't it truthful and factual that not every cheater will cheat again though?

hikingout posted 4/26/2019 08:51 AM

Your quote above is about forgiveness, not societies labeling. Not forgiving is what poisons you. A label is just an adjective for specificity.It's not a generalization either, actually the opposite of a generalisation due to the fact that you are labeling a very specific thing.
I'm not going to reply to this any longer as I already got some time in the box over being misunderstood on this topic, and will just keep it to myself instead of risking being misunderstood again.
Your point is not wrong it just seems you may be attributing power to a "label" which it does not have.

Well, I am fine about whether you respond or not, but I do feel I would like to state a different perception of that, I brought up the point more for the group anyway.

Labels are dangerous, they are derogatory, and they are personal. Someone said an addict is always called an addict, especially by themselves. It's a reminder for them to see black and white and not relapse. I can see how that is a positive thing.

And I do realize you can forgive and yet never forget. I think that's almost always the case. You almost need to be a saint to be able to do both. But in terms of if my husband is still referring to me as a cheater all the time - it's indicative of a lack of healing. If he has healed and is now happy in our relationship - I think that he has to see that I have worked to not be that person any more. I am not saying he will ever 100 percent trust me or forget that I did it, but at some point thinking of me by name rather than cheater, is far less filled with anger.

Labels in our society do have power. Whore, slut. Okay, I did act in that manner by having an affair, but am I to be called this for the rest of my life? I don't believe so. We use labels that have positive and negative connotations, like it or not.

That all said, I am not advocating that the word cheater is removed from this board or from our language. Obviously, that would be ridiculous, this is an infidelity board. And, just like addicts being labeled addicts I do think it serves a purpose for enforcing the black and white thinking that waywards need to gain. We need to hear "either you are a cheater or you aren't" when we are still trying to wallow around in this "but I am a good person" stuff. All I was saying in our regular life to give someone a label that has a lot of anger and emotion attached to it and never removing it, absolutely is a sign of something not healed. Forgiveness and healing, which once again is for the BS not the WS.

sisoon posted 4/26/2019 12:38 PM

I am chastened by the use of the term ‘superior’ above.

I apologize for any of my posts that sound like I think I’m better than anybody else.


I often ask a poster to cite his sources. I admit that’s argumentative. At the same time, I am honestly interested in knowing the source, and if it is cited, we may even discuss it intelligently.

In the case above, I understand that some people see a bias here toward R. I don’t see that bias, and I’d like to find out if I’m missing it. So a number of times in a number of threads I’ve asked people to point to the source of their beliefs.

I keep asking because no one has provided any guidance WRT their sources.


I chose R because I believed it would lead to a better outcome for me. I don’t mean ‘morally superior;’ I mean ‘more pleasant’ or ‘more fulfilling’ or something similar.

In some cases, I suggest to a poster what I think will be the better choice. Again, I don’t mean ‘morally superior.’

I think R and D and waiting until one know what s/he wants are all morally equal, and I think my writing has said that all along. If I write something that says to you I think one outcome is ‘superior’ to another, let me know.

HouseOfPlane posted 4/26/2019 12:39 PM

isn't it truthful and factual that not every cheater will cheat again though?
For sure

NotTheManIwas posted 4/26/2019 13:10 PM

I often ask a poster to cite his sources.

And this was remarkably revealing. It wasn't "their", it was "his".

[This message edited by NotTheManIwas at 1:11 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/26/2019 17:13 PM

[This message edited by Wishiwasnthereto at 7:35 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

CincyKid posted 6/14/2019 10:54 AM

I'm sure there are people who have legitimately reconciled. My opinion, however, which I'm entitled to, is that I myself could never do it. This is a person who took vows to you to never betray you and it's the person who hurt you worse than you've ever been hurt before. The person that committed the ultimate act of betrayal against you. Whether to stay or not was not a choice I had. In retrospect I'm thankful of that. I think if R had been on the table I probably would have gone for it and lived in hell for years. As is, things are much better in my life. I've read so many R stories and honestly my opinion is that the BS suffers from a form of Stockholm syndrome. Some are much more realistic. It's sunk cost fallacy where they're staying because it's somehow beneficial for them to do so be it financially, time with their children, etc. Everyone here is entitled to their opinion on the subject. A wide range of opinions gives this board value. Nobody's opinion should be dismissed or disrespected.

SisterMilkshake posted 6/14/2019 13:34 PM

Reconciliation is possible. BH or BW can be happy in a reconciled marriage. It is not a foregone conclusion that one can never be happy in a marriage that has been touched by infidelity.

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