"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

deena04 posted 3/30/2019 03:15 AM

So ex’s mom, who wrote the book on NPD and many other disorders, who attempted to undermine my parenting, who is simply toxic to anyone she touches, and told ex for his entire childhood that he is not good enough, who tried for grandparent rights when she was not allowed near my kids and attempted to gain entry into the NICU when my son was there after seeing if I was there at that time, was diagnosed as terminally ill with cancer. I found out when someone else told me due to ex’s no contact. This person was attempting to let me take the kids to her and leave them there for a weekend. Yeah, that will not happen. What I am struggling with is how I feel about this. I would never wish harm another human being, but I am having a really hard time feeling bad or sad about this evil witch time. dying. She also harassed my older kids at school when they were younger. The list goes on!

Before anyone says she might not be really dying, she has had health problems for years and I have now heard from numerous people. This was just one person that brought it to my attention initially.

[This message edited by deena04 at 3:18 AM, March 30th (Saturday)]

Catwoman posted 3/30/2019 07:18 AM

It sounds like your kids don't have much (if any) of a relationship with her, so I don't see you have an obligation to facilitate any sort of visiting unless the kids really want to go.

All you can do is to be there to support your kids and not break out into a chorus of "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" until you are totally alone.

Cat

deena04 posted 3/30/2019 11:13 AM

There is zero relationship with her and my kids. I may wear red and dance after she’s gone. I hate feeling that way, but relief is what I fear I’ll feel.

Furious1 posted 3/30/2019 11:27 AM

I would view the person who initially attempted to get you to let your kids stay with XMIL for the weekend as one of your XMIL's minions and cease contact with that person.

Even if your XMIL is terminally ill, that does not give her the right to spread her poison to your kids. You are not obligated to feel sad or bad about the life that she chose to live. She made those choices and it is on her to deal with the fallout and the consequences of those choices.

If anything, it is sad that she has blown all of her opportunities to get her shit together in this lifetime. Perhaps in a future life, but it's sad that she couldn't get it together in this one.

I have considered how I would react to my own mother passing away so I am applying that to your situation. After every vile thing that my mother has done to abuse, shame, guilt, and make me feel obligated to take on her life responsibilities, I find it sad and tragic that she wasted all of the opportunities that I gave her to stop being so vile, abusive, and selfish. And for that, I have compassion for her. Doesn't mean that I will be around her again, but I will have compassion that she was so dysfunctional that she could not get her life together despite driving me away like she did.

F1

deena04 posted 3/31/2019 00:59 AM

Big hugs, furious1! Thank you for putting it in perspective. Thank you Catwoman, too. I had many ideas for songs to sing at her grave, but I had not thought of that one.

ZenMumWalking posted 3/31/2019 14:46 PM

Do NOT take your precious children anywhere near her. You owe her NOTHING and you already know that you have to protect your children.

I'm sorry that this other person got to you. You do not have to feel bad about not caring about anything that happens to her. Do not try to force your feelings one way or another. Whatever they are, they are.

((((deena))))

The1stWife posted 3/31/2019 19:12 PM

My MIL was toxic and nasty. Never even acknowledged her own grandchildren (only ones she had).

We had no contact for years. She passed.

Kids never knew her. No reason to include them in anything.

I suggest you do the same. Nothing.

StillLivin posted 4/1/2019 00:46 AM

I'm with the others. Ignore and stat NC. Cut the person off that suggested you leave your kids with such a horrible person. FTN. It is not your fault that 1. She is dying, and 2. She wasted all of her opportunities to be a decent human being to her grandchildren and the mother of her grandchildren. Ive had some toxic family, and if I were in your shoes I'd have zero F's to give.

EvenKeel posted 4/1/2019 07:01 AM

This person was attempting to let me take the kids to her and leave them there for a weekend

Did this person do this on their own? Or is the MIL sending pigeon messengers trying to reach out?

It doesn't matter because the response is still the same, I was just curious.

You are not obligated to respond because she is ill. She had a lot of time to 'do right' by her grandchildren. It would actually pi$$ me off that she is only doing this because of her own needs now.

Like you said, cancer is a horrible thing and I do not wish that pain or suffering on any one. But that does not mean it forgives her past damage.

I wouldn't think of something you can say as you are approached by her minions ( ). Something to address it compassionately but shut it down? I suspect you will be approached more as she is in her final days so this way you have a standard reply.

Catwoman - lol.

deena04 posted 4/2/2019 15:24 PM

Thanks. It was my ex-sister-in-law. This particular SIL was ok. Some of them are crazy. She has also had no contact with crazy MIL for years, but was guilted into going to visit by her hubs (my ex’s brother). I told her hell no. She still married to my ex brother-in-law and, therefore, I think trying to keep peace plus she’s always been one that is easily swayed by guilt. Ex bro-in-law then called me this weekend to grant this peaceful wish. He has always driven me a little bit crazy because he feels he is always right. I told him Hell no and not to contact me about that again. The next time he calls me, I am going to tell him I hope the bitch dies.

RockstarDad posted 4/2/2019 17:43 PM

Just don't answer the phone if its him calling. If you don't recognize the # and answer it just tell him you already answered that. There is no reason to engage in mudslinging. It gives others a reason to hate you and start crap and thus continue drama.

She is a POS. Do you let POS's control your emotions? Who care if she dies. She is out of your life and functionally dead anyway.

Good to vent but not good to do.

EvenKeel posted 4/3/2019 07:21 AM

Ex bro-in-law then called me this weekend to grant this peaceful wish

What is driving him? Does he personally feel everyone should come see her? Or is she pushing this? I just don't understand why he is so hell-bent on it. I can see making sure everyone knew she was very ill INCASE anyone wanted to visit...but pushing folks to come against their desire? What sense does that make!

UGH

Whelp - they let you know....and you let them know "Thanks but no thanks". I would consider that the end of that and ignore any more requests.

CatsEye posted 4/3/2019 17:52 PM

I agree with RockstarDad. Don't give them any ammunition to use against you, because these are exactly the kind of people who will talk about you behind your back. Just tell them that she made no contact necessary, and that that has not changed. If they continue to call, tell them that you do not appreciate the harassment.

Catwoman wrote:

All you can do is to be there to support your kids and not break out into a chorus of "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" until you are totally alone.

Cat

I suspect this is going to be the best answer of the day. On any forum anywhere on the Internet.