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Trends in behavior

CrossedArrow posted 3/5/2019 10:26 AM

For the benefit of the new members here:

What trends in behavior did you see in the cheating spouse?

1. Denial and lies
2. Appearance improves
3. Lack of interest in the family

What behaviors occurred before and after you found out?

1. Stopped sleeping
2. Gut instinct told me immediately
3. Felt there was a need to tell everyone because no one initially believed me

My guess is you will see very distinct behaviors across each of our situations.

The1stWife posted 3/5/2019 11:49 AM

There was not one change in behavior except he was a bit more irritable with me - but not every day just occasionally. I attributed it to his job stress and his unhappiness with his career.

However about a month prior to DDay I had a dream he was going to ask for a D. No reason why - but he wanted a D.

I started paying close attention. No alarming behavior from him at all.

And true to my dream - on the exact day as my dream alluded to - he asked for a D. I knew of the A for a few days as he admitted it to me (told me on his own).

Happenedtome2 posted 3/5/2019 13:28 PM

The one behaviors from WW that made me suspicious were an almost "addiction-like" attachment to her phone and a lack of interest in pretty much anything I said.

After I found out AND woke myself up from the blame shifting and pick me dance and put the hammer down WW became afraid that I was going to leave, agreed to IC and has made a conscious effort to be more aware of how I am feeling. I have, in return made an effort to help her out more with day to day stuff and plan more activities for "just us".

As for MY feelings/behavior, for better or worse, I am in sort of a mindset of whatever happens is going to happen regardless of my actions. On one hand it is very calming to literally not really give a crap but it is also a little disheartening because it also means that on some level I don't care if my M ends.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 3/5/2019 14:50 PM

What trends in behavior did you see in the cheating spouse?

1. Denial and lies - yes, but they were subtle and were sometimes lies about things that had nothing to do with her. For example, one day he came home from work and I was really hungry and asked if he had eaten already or if he wanted something. He said he had not eaten yet and that whatever I made/got would be fine with him. So I walk by his car and see a bag from a local mexican take out place, and because I already felt like he was lying about everything I opened the door and picked it up - it was half-eaten and still warm. At first I figured he went to eat with her and the whole thing was a lie, but later I found out she wasn't even in town on that day (on vacation with her WH out of state) and that he had eaten with a guy from work who brought food to him to his workplace when he came in. When confronted he admitted that he had a problem with lying about stuff for no reason...which was bullshit, as he never did before. Basically, the lies were endless because he was trying to keep everything separate and to manipulate and all the usual stuff.

2. Appearance improves - no. Not that I remember.

3. Lack of interest in the family - we are our only family and while sometimes he seemed short with me there was more of a generalized distance.

4. Phone usage changed slightly. He's always been on that thing all the time - plays games on it, watches videos, so the amount of time on there didn't change, but he was taking it with him to the bathroom all the time, phone would be sitting face down constantly, and eventually I realized the password had been changed. Upon confrontation he was VERY defensive and said he changed it "because he felt like it" but didn't offer me the password until I straight up forced it out of him but that was after he'd taken it to the bathroom and deleted everything he could think of.

What behaviors occurred before and after you found out? I assume you mean my behaviors.

1. Stopped sleeping -yes, but I'm a horrible sleeper anyway (have insomnia issues as long as I can remember and I'm a major night owl).

2. Gut instinct told me immediately - it did. I knew something was up with him roughly 2 weeks after the A started and I was out of state at the time. He just seemed "off" and never seemed completely right through our year of false A. Now my gut goes all over the place and I don't trust it (it's been plain wrong two times I was convinced he was at something again).

3. Felt there was a need to tell everyone because no one initially believed me - no. I told no one except one of my good friends who actually was the WW 10 years ago (they are still married and both say things are better than they ever were before - but they had a ROUGH 2-3 years before that after the A). I initially thought it was to protect him but it was to protect me - I was (am) embarrassed about the whole thing and a bit disgusted with myself for even speaking to him still.

4. THIS ONE WAS THE WORST FOR ME - Physical symptoms related to anxiety - FORGETFUL to a dangerous point (drove the wrong way down a one way street I have driven down for 3 years almost daily), left food on the stove, could barely function at my job, forgot birthdays, holidays, time of day - you name it. This lasted in its worst form for the first 2 months post-d-day2 to the point my WH insisted on driving me somewhere as he was concerned for my (and others) safety on the road. He didn't care if I tried to throw him out - he was treating me like someone who was severely intoxicated I was so incapable. I'm back to normal now (5 months post-dday2).

5. Weight loss and general nervousness. More anxiety related symptoms. Leading up to d-day 1 I lost about 25 lbs in 6 weeks. For me the not knowing is much harder to deal with than the aftermath physically speaking. The forgetfulness was pre and post d-day - the inability to eat went away within a week or two of both d-days along with pit/knots in my stomach. I was actually quicker to "recover" from the nervous feeling post d-day2 as I think I wasn't so lost in the whole "how do I save this" and instead was saying "how will HE save this and do I even want him to"

6. Quick and short tempered with people unrelated to me and my WH. I did a lot of yelling at other drivers (who couldn't hear me) and I was hyper-critical of a lot of stuff that normally I don't care about at all.

7. Before and after d-day 1 I did a lot of crying. Before d-day 2 I did none. I KNEW in my gut he was back talking to the OW (in reality it only stopped for a short period of time) and I was hell bent on setting him up to catch him. After d-day2 I cried a bit but it was much more controlled - I was not going to give him that type of control over me.

There is a LOT more but really, the changes in him were classic, you could look up on a million websites and find most of them, and mine were surprising to me to an extent.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:51 PM, March 5th (Tuesday)]

AbandonedGuy posted 3/5/2019 16:35 PM

I'll post this as often as people want so everyone knows what to look out for and expect.

Her during cheating:
1. Weird phone behavior. It's *always* weird phone behavior. She was glued to it. And, more importantly, she'd keep it in the other room at night, for probably two months. I called her out twice about it and both times, "I don't need to be answering work emails at night." (still pisses me off to think about...)
2. Stopped eating very much. Completely avoided sweets after months of not caring about her diet. Gotta be fit for that new source of ego strokes.
3. She would randomly be kind of a cold bitch. It wasn't even brought on by anything in particular.
4. She stopped arguing with me when in the past she might engage for a given reason. Just utterly cold.
5. Went to bed earlier a few nights. I suspect to text and snapchat this disgusting older guy pictures of her disgusting emaciated body (oh man, sorry to editorialize, but it's been an off week for me)
6. Much less physical contact.

What behaviors did I engage in before and after? I'll stick to before, so people know how you're subconsciously affected.
1. Gut feeling, all the way. Something I couldn't put my finger on. Half suspected cheating but didn't want to think that way. I thought I was being paranoid. Never again will I doubt that feeling.
2. One night I searched her purse while she slept. I forgot I did this until several weeks after DDay. That's how deep the gut feeling hit. I found nothing, she learned from me finding shit in the distant past.
3. I blew up on her the day before DDay, but the day *after* for the first time throughout all this I sensed the physical distance, when she sat on the other side of the couch and didn't touch me. That put me on edge and we had a blowout argument the next morning--which I'm sure she latched onto mentally to justify why abandoning me was the right choice.

Man that last one...these effing people. They mess with your head and draw out the worst in you, then use those effects to justify treating you like shit. Freakin sociopathic.

CrossedArrow posted 3/6/2019 11:09 AM

I forgot how good the lies were. She was able to attend baseball events with OM and his wife and kids.

If you are new here and reading this, please pay attention to the signs of what is going on.

maise posted 3/18/2019 00:45 AM

Behaviors before I found out:

1. WS stopped communicating as much with me unless it was about general house chores, or the kids.

2. WS became extremely explosive at the children and I

3. WS began to dress differently, and oddly began to listen to different music.

4. WS never wanted to go out to family functions and would use the excuse to stay home because she felt tired or didn't want to socialize.

5. WS would make me believe I was being irrational when I asked if she was cheating and pretended she couldn't believe that I would think this.

6. WS was ALWAYS in her phone. ALWAYS. But accused me of being the one always in my phone. And of course never left her phone out, carrying it to the RR and everything.

7. WS would not interact with the children or I if we ever had family functions and would instead isolate.

8. WS would constantly say she wasn't getting enough time with me and we needed more dates, etc. but when we would have them she would pick a fight.

9. WS would always leave after a fight and ignore me completely for hours if not over night. (Before she would never do this)

10. WS began to leave me by myself a lot more in social outings and not really care whether I was alone for hours or not.

11. WS would go to the RR a lot when we would be out without discussing where she was headed.

12. Less sex, with her actually denying me sex when she had NEVER done this before.

13. WS would distract from having to communicate with me at home by doing house chores, etc. and would complain more about money being spent on things that weren't beneficial to her. (even items for the kids)

14. If I was ever distraught or depressed, WS would actually use sex to 'help me feel better' which made me cry.

15. WS would complain about me not doing enough and her doing 'everything'

[This message edited by maise at 12:46 AM, March 18th (Monday)]

The1stWife posted 3/19/2019 02:36 AM

I saw nothing prior to DDay that would raise any red flags. Nothing.

After DDay I was lucky to sleep 45 minutes a night. Him? Slept like a baby every night. Very unsympathetic and annoyed by my crying and tears. Especially after he wants a divorce 10 days after DDay.

CrossedArrow posted 4/2/2019 12:22 PM

I am certain there were patterns in repeat offenders. What did you see?

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