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Perfect on Paper - Wife left me for her abusive ex-boyfriend

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Hold2win posted 2/18/2019 17:06 PM

Thanks jduff, I will heed your advice.

My cousin didn’t accept her on Snapchat. We were just curious as to why she would try to add her now? Does she want to spy or something?

Marz posted 2/18/2019 17:21 PM

The more time you invest in a remourseless cheater the less time you have to spend seeking someone who is worthy of you,

Let her go completely. Life is to short to waste on those who don't want you.

As for that's really not who she is? Come on man, no one is making her do this. She's made a very willing and conscious decision to do what she's doing.

You like most just don't want to accept reality.

Marz posted 2/18/2019 17:25 PM

She had the audacity to tell me that she expected me to keep the true story private from family and friends. She has been going around telling people that she simply fell out of love, that our relationship isn’t working, and that we are separated. All of the truly nasty details, she has left out. That is likely guilt blocking the truth from herself.

Typical cheater script. It's your job to help hide my affair !!!! Then she'll spend her time lying like hell.

Nope sure isn't. The truth fixes a lot of things. Tell who you want. You didn't do or cause this. Let her and her boyfriend deal with it.

Brennan87 posted 2/18/2019 17:38 PM

H-

You’ve gotten solid advice from many who have come before you. I recommend you listen and take what you need.

I’ll add, my WWs story has similarities. While you can’t ever u derstand, know that when abuse is involved that hasn’t been addressed when people are coping, they go back to what they know and what is comfortable and familiar. Hence her going back to a known abuser. My WW almost too a T recreated her abusive past during her affair. It’s heart breaking on many levels, but helps you see that it had nothing to do with YOU.

You were the clueless passenger in the car driven off a cliff by a drunk driver!
Hang in there..

Hold2win posted 2/18/2019 18:24 PM

@Marz

Yeah I don’t want to accept reality but I do realize what it is. Just hard to believe still. It’s been three weeks—grieving is a messed up process.

I’m coming around, day by day, hour by hour.

@Brennan

Thanks for sharing your story. That abusive life really does mess people up, doesn’t it? Messed her up, messed me up, messed up a lot

Buster123 posted 2/18/2019 20:22 PM

I agree with Spaceghost and others, EXPOSE her as the lying cheater she is, I mean going from your bed to his the same day shows the lack of respect and and disregard for you, EXPOSE, go NC and don't look back, it's difficult to see now but most likely a couple of years from now (maybe even sooner) you will look back and see that you're better off without her, you deserve someone who loves you and respects you, someone with integrity that takes her vows seriously.

neverhappen2me posted 2/18/2019 21:53 PM

Hold2win.sorry your here. It's amazing how we all get the same stories.I love you but not in love with you. No spark. I even got the added your a great guy and great father and I hope we can hang out.
You have a lot of good things going for you.your young, hard worker, soon to have a job making good money and YOUR NOT A CHEATER!
Whether you decide to R or D I think the route you take should be the same and actual kind of simple(Although easier said then done).First and foremost take care of yourself. Go to IC. If you can't afford it see if your school provides it.
Second, A hard 180!
3rd focus on yourself and be successful. No better revenge than that. If she doesn't come around after seeing you are doing fine without her I guarantee something better will come along.
I wish you the best. good luck!

Hold2win posted 2/18/2019 23:03 PM

@neverhappen

Thanks for your comment, really supportive and thoughtful

I moved all of my stuff out of our apartment today, and I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. The good feeling is going to be temporary but man it feels good to not feel like crap!

Tomorrow i’ll give her one week to get her stuff out and do her share of the cleaning.

I still haven’t called an attorney, somehow it makes me nervous to do that. But i will do it soon.

180!

Jduff posted 2/19/2019 11:02 AM

That good feeling you have is what I describe as having your compass needle finally stop spinning and give you a direction. This is the first sense of control you will have in the matter. Then next one is seeing that attorney. Yes, it is intimidating at first. Something about setting an appointment and discussing the business of ending a marital contract gives it an eerie "finality" or "death sentence" of it all. Once your attorney starts giving you the details you need regarding division of assets, describing the D process and it general length of time to finalize, documents you need to secure and provide for you attorney, it will give you a much clearer picture for you on how the next step will look like. D won't be as scary as you thought it was. Remember, knowledge is power and I believe that you will come out of that first meeting feeling more "empowered" on your situation, just like I did and many of the members here have described. You will get a little boost of courage going forward.

Right now, this is about empowering yourself in a very shitty situation so you can move out of it. Getting your ducks in a row tends to set you up for multiple options on how to move forward and to your best benefit. As for your WW? Right now she is drunk not only on the drinking but on the abuse. Her shit is about to unravel in the worst way and she has no clue. I'm willing to bet she hasn't even talked to any attorneys much less looked around for one. Thus, I strongly suggest you get ahead of her on this. She may be eye ball deep in self wallow but you have no idea how much influence her abusive exBF has over her decisions. I wouldn't put it past him to use your WW to milk you for as much assets in the D as possible. This has happened with other members before. If ever your D process gets contentious and your W starts blaming you for making her life "miserable", guess who's likely to come visit your place or any of your family's places and display his abusive tendencies to intimidate you? That's another discussion to bring up with your attorney to ask about restraining orders and such.

Now, giving her one week to get her crap out is good. Relying on her to do her "share" of the cleaning is an invitation to pet the Drama Llama. You cannot expect rational behavior from an irrational person thus you cannot expect her to do what's right by yours or anyone's standards. For all you know, she might just take a crap in the corner of the living room but pickup a gum wrapper from the floor and go "Well, that's my share!" and leave that apartment looking worse than it was when you left it. If you want to make sure it is done right then you should pay for a maid service after she is gone with her stuff. You can add that cleaning bill to the division of assets and debts during the D process as she is going to pay her "share" one way or another. What ever in the D process you can control, control it. Whatever you cannot control, document it.

Now, don't just look up one attorney in your area, lookup several of them. They generally give free initial 30 minute consults or charge around $50-$250. You can get various opinions on your situation. It is also an interview process for finding an attorney that is a right fit for you. The side benefit of seeing several attorneys is each one you see is one that your WW cannot use due to conflict of interest (they cannot represent your WW after having first discussed details the matter with a potential opposing client) Thus, find some Bulldog type attorneys first and get them scratched off yours (and you WW's) list then find one that you feel you can work with.

Also remember that attorneys are not relationship counselors. Give them the summary details of the affair. If they want more info then explain. Otherwise, that time is there for you to get all your important legal questions answered regarding divorce.

Your doing great, Hold2win. Keep those cards close to your chest.

Hold2win posted 2/19/2019 11:17 AM

@Jduff

Man, you are an amazing person. So supportive, thank you, it means a lot.

I am sitting at school now (we’re in our final semster of our BSN nursing progam), and it’s so damn hard to sit here with her here. Tuesdays are just one of the hardest days.

My feeling of weight leaving me still remains, though not as prominent—same goes for the feeling of freedom. More downs than ups.

I am accepting the reality of the whole thing. It’s hard to accept that my WW is not the person she showed me that she was for so long. Feelings of abandonment and betrayal of trust are so strong and pervasive. If she would just clear the fog and take all steps of R, I still feel it may work.

I view my status of being in love is fading however. I imagine it as a candle burning very low, very dim. Hope is killing me, but it is also diminishing day by day.

I’ll be looking into the first attorney during a break between classes in a couple hours.

HalfTime2017 posted 2/19/2019 13:27 PM

Hold2win: Gentley

Right now, your hope is killing you. As others have told you already, she is who she is. YOu are still holding her to a light that she does not deserve.

You're still hoping that she changes her mind, but I will tell you that months/yrs from now you're going to look back and wish you hadn't.

What exactly are you hoping for? She chose a loser abusive boyfriend over you. You did almost everything right. So what if she said you were controlling, they all say that. It doesn't mean anything b/c they say a bunch of nonsense to justify the cheating.

I was in a similar situation as you as all of the others on this board has at one time or another. Hope does nothing for you. You cannot control another person, and you cannot make another person love you. With the WW, the more you chase, the further they run. I can almost guarantee that even though you are doing somethings correct, like moving yourself out, you're still being kind and hopeful to her in her presence, and she like a dog will sniff that out.

When you look back on this 3-5 yrs from now, are you going to say "wow, awesome, I won my Wife back from an abusive boyfriend while she was married to me!" That's what you're hoping for! You don't want to win this contest. Trust us on this board.

The way to win this is to push her away, file for divorce and if, and thats a big if, she wakes herself up from this nonsense, let her try and win you back. You are the prize. Stop chasing her. You will have a BSN, fully employed making good money, young, and have no children. There are going to be a ton of women after you. She is not worth you time, you have to separate enough from her to be able to see this. Like most Betrayed Men, we often try to fix things, but if you can separate yourself out from your own situation, which may take some time, you'll realize its not worth saving. Be glad you have no children, and the finances are minimally tied due to you both being students. You can have a clean break from this women.

Hold2win posted 2/19/2019 13:35 PM

@HalfTime

Thank you man

What I’m hoping for is for her to realize that she messed up and to fully commit to R. I am really trying to break this hope and day by day it’s getting easier.

I called an attorney just now, they told me my case is simple, and as long as things stay amicable to file the papers on my own. Otherwise their base fee was $3000 and that’s a ton of money for me right now.

I’ll call a couple more Attorneys to see what their rates might be, just in case the first one I called was just more expensive.

Jduff posted 2/19/2019 14:11 PM

$3k sounds about right for representation in an uncontested D. Ask the next attorney about mediation costs also. See what it cost for just drawing up the petition, serving, then helping you with docs, crossing legal "t"'s and dotting the "i"'s. The mediators fee is usually separate but see what the total cost would be to compare. You might save money that way and get what you want from the D while your WW still thinks you deserve better, and may actually agree to that on paper. Heck, she just may agree to sign over whatever on your petition and you can take it to court to finalize on just court doc and filing fees alone. Ask your attorney on all options. One thing that is a major positive is that you do not have to discuss custody scenarios. Talk about your heart breaking over and over again.

Also, is there anyway you can attend those classes on a different schedule so you don't have to see your WW? Explain the situation with your advisor. See how they can help.

Now, we often say this here "you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it," what that means is letting go all notions of "saving" the M on your own. As long as she is not in it to win it, neither should you. This isn't a situation where you just realize there are irreconcilable differences in a relationship. Rather, she is actively abusing you mentally and emotionally with her affair and you need to extricate yourself out of that environment. She knows she is hurting you, Hold2win. You have to view her as an addict to an affair. You know the lengths addicts will go to get their next fix, that crazy rationalization hamster that runs in their heads and the continual hitting new lows.

The quickest way forward and out of infidelity is to detach, cut contact, and move forward. That act alone creates a vacuum effect that generally tends to pull on the wayward as they realize you are no longer in their affair dynamic. You not being there helps remove the rationalization for their affair. You just need to see what she does "in action" to deal with that. Whether it is to move mountains to convince you to give her another chance, or just her ratcheting up the victim mentality and not lift a finger to get herself out of infidelity and an abusive affair, you are still that much further out from infidelity and on to better things.

MickeyBill2016 posted 2/19/2019 14:14 PM

I am also in CA and knew an attorney from the dog park. She was pretty upscale and had an office in Century City, but said that she would tell me what to do, make sure I had all the right papers filed and filled out correctly...sort of oversee the process and not allow me to make stupid mistakes, for $2000. I split that cost with my XW.

Split the cost with your STBXW. It's worth it.

If you are in SoCal, look up "Legal Grind" where lawyers meet with people for a consult at a coffee shop. Depends on the day but it could be property law, divorce, get your cousin out of jail advice...

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:18 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]

jlg05 posted 2/20/2019 15:47 PM

Hold2win, very sorry you are hear, but you ARE going to be ok.
You have moved out, separated all you finances/etc. and are reviewing attorneys. SHE will come to regret this and will probably try at some point to come back.
You need to be at a place where you can just close the door on her when she pulls that.
Do not interact with her at all at school if you can help it. You will be much better off with someone else -- someone who is emotionally mature and will always have your back.

Don't think this is just an abberation -- she really IS like this. She just hid it well enough from you for a long while. Please do what is good for YOU and don't take her back....

Oh yeah, EXPOSE what she did to everyone. Don't be complicit in her attempt to hide/fool your friends/family. Contradict that at all points. You want to make sure she can't re-write your marriage history to make HER look better and YOU the problem

[This message edited by jlg05 at 3:49 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)]

Hold2win posted 2/20/2019 17:51 PM

@jlg05

Thank you for your support and insight.

She has only talked to a handful of people (thar I know of) and they have all reported back to me on their own. She has been saying that I am a “perfect man” and that our relationship was “perfect.” She said she just doesn’t love me, that we never had chemistry or a “spark,” and that she loves her abusive ex bf because he has changed.

I can see the madness in it.

Anyhow, I saw my doctor today, got an std test, and a handfull of Klonpin (a benzodiaepine) to manage anxiety and panic. Oh man this stuff is helping me see more clearly.

She has told me that this whole thing is her fault (though she wont admit she cheated) and that she deserves whatever bad things are coming to her.

I want to believe that she want not like this, is not like this, and/or can change. But that flame of love that I have for her is burning out

Edit: I have been outing her to everyone we know closely (friends and family), also to a few close people at school.

I have no reason to hide this thing she chose to do. It is not my shame, it is her shame. I tell it to everyone like it is, as unbias as possible. I still love her (fml) so I can’t bad talk about her. In any case this is why she is surprised that nk one is supporting her—including her parents

[This message edited by Hold2win at 5:58 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)]

Hold2win posted 2/20/2019 17:56 PM

@Jduff

Thank you again; when I see your posts I really get excited to read them.

I was able to change only one of the two classes that we have together. The other one is full and in order to move me into would take a situation that could cause me physical danger.

I am doing my best to detach. Only have talked to her about business and signing paperwork. I told her she has one week to clear put her stuff from the old apartment. Moving forward as far as I can.

You’re right about seeing her “in action.” It doesnt matter that I want to start R and start a new relationship. I know that based upon this situation that I am probably a fool for wanting that, but I do. Another but, is that it doesnt matter whar I want. Its completely on her to take action and do what it takes to make R a real possibility. I can accept that

Robert22205https posted 2/21/2019 18:37 PM

Who's the X? What kind of abuse? Is he older?

She had NC for 8 years ... connects on FB and falls in love with him all within 30 days?

Is it possible that she never stopped contact?


Hold2win posted 2/21/2019 18:41 PM

@Robert

You're right, same thing most have told me too.

I have made few if any mistakes during this whole ordeal. No begging, NC unless about necessary business, disconnected myself financially, moved out of apartment.

The thing that I want is for her to choose to change, and to choose for R, and to take all of the necessary steps to fix herself. All of this I want to happen without my asking, because that is the only way that it could work and be real.

Hold2win posted 2/21/2019 18:45 PM

@Robert

Anything is possible, especially when someone cheats, because the trust is broken. Everything is up for suspicion.

Based upon evidence that I have, that she has no FB account or anything, phone records, her talking to me and keeping me updated about her initially speaking to him--It seems that she started talking to him when she said she did.

The abuse was physical (he hit her in the face one time that I know of for a fact), other history of physical abuse told to me by her brother and parents. Emotional abuse (calling her "c***, bitch, slut, whore, his dishwasher," etc.). Financial abuse, controlling her finances, taking money from her.

It's a mess. She's a mess, a damn fool, low self esteem, body image issues. I know she's messed up--can I help it if I still love her?

Those are the bad things about her. There are many good things, she made me feel great, we were an excellent team, intimate, Etc Etc Etc (Good stuff)

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