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D-Day #2 -11 years later same OW

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Jeaniegirl posted 2/18/2019 21:25 PM

Don't ever believe the horror stories the OW tells about what her H will do if he finds out. There definitely has been some tragic stories about that but they are rare. Most of the time it's exaggerated to get you to remain silent. OW sure wasn't afraid of him 'snapping' because she took risks to have an affair with your H. It's on her and your H what his reaction will be. It's good you have a cop friend to call if things get out of hand, but they probably won't.

Dragonfly123 posted 2/19/2019 02:19 AM

Iím so sorry youíre here again like this. He really is a total POS to have done this to you twice and with the same AP. I agree that the OBS should know, it doesnít sound to me like an exit affair but cake eating for this woman. Just take care of you meanwhile though. My heart breaks for you, itís our worst nightmare come true. ((()))

Lalagirl posted 2/19/2019 07:01 AM

My god.

I'm so sorry, millionpieces. It pains me to read these kinds of posts - the "years later he/she is having an A" - and to top it off with the same AP - I just don't know what to say except that I am so angry for you.

Find a way to tell OBS - please. It's not fair for him to live a lie...you've been on here long enough to know that the OBS "snapping" is pretty far-fetched. Oh yes, OBS will be justifiably angry and your WH should definitely expect a visit, call, something. He should have thought about repercussions when he decided to sleep with OW again. Did OBS know about the A from 11 years ago?

I'm going to leave it at that. I'm so angry for you that I don't want to say too much and upset you more than you are.

We're here for you...

Huge hugs,

Lala

kiki1 posted 2/19/2019 07:26 AM

Now is the time to make your exit plan. You've done all you could to save the marriage and once again he's shown you how little it, you and the children matter.

I'm sorry but now is the time for it to be all about you and your well being.

sewardak posted 2/19/2019 08:27 AM

my worst nightmare. i'm so sorry!

millionpieces posted 2/19/2019 11:09 AM

Thank you everyone I see the IC today and am waiting until tomorrow. I calle dup the OBS and chickened out and hung up. Iím not even afraid if he is violent they both deserve whatever they have coming what I am afraid of are any scenes in front of my children. I do not want to explain why this has happened. I definitely think for her it was an exit even though she claims it wasnít and that she wants to keep her family in tact. Iím going through the stages of grief and in my heart of hearts I know I have to tell him, but I have no idea what this will be like bec I know for a fact he loves this woman u conditionally and he probably wonít even believe me. Do I give him all the details that they had sex at his house in. Their bed like idk I feel like Iím the only person having to carry around the burden of what to do for the two idiots that couldnít keep it in their pants. Please give me the courage to make that call tomorrow and to lay it out for him and I pray he believes me. I have the proof I just wish she had done the right thing like I asked and told her himself.

sewardak posted 2/19/2019 11:11 AM

tell the OBS and then walk away. your husband caused this shit show, not you.

tikismom posted 2/19/2019 11:17 AM

I am so sorry. What a horrible nightmare.

I would tell the OBS, he has a right to know.

Please take care of yourself & keep us posted.

Mari104 posted 2/19/2019 11:32 AM

millionpieces, I am so sorry your selfish WH is putting you through this hell again. It is so unfair. Please find a way to tell the OBS. He deserves to know. He currently is a stranger in his own marriage and no one deserves that. Whatever happens.....whatever his reaction is, that is ALL on the OW and your WH. Doesn't seem like they did any "growing up" from the first time this all happened. That is what bothers me the most when I read posts like this one. You hurt someone SO badly. Someone you claim to love. you destroy them in so many ways....yet, you can't find it in yourself to try and make yourself a better person? A safe partner? Someone who is not selfish and takes accountability for their actions? Someone who is capable of empathy and selflessness? It is beyond me that they just don't care...and choose to continue to do the same shit over and over again.

My WH put me through hell.....a number of false reconciliation periods. It just sucks. There are no words for it. It makes you feel disposable....because that is exactly what their actions reflect you are to them. Sending you a big viral hug. Hang in there......you know you deserve better. Just focus on yourself and your kids.

MamaDragon posted 2/19/2019 12:44 PM

When I discovered my WS and his AP, I immediately contacted the other BS - didn't talk to either my WS or his AP. Just contacted him and said "They work together, we need to chat". He already suspected. He was rather nice to me on the phone.

In the meantime, the AP contacted my WS and asked him to please get me to *NOT* contact her hubby bc he was violent and she was afraid what he would do....To late!

All in all, he wasn't violent at all - to anyone. It was all a lie to keep from her Hubby finding out. So, please consider the sources of the OBS's attitude and personality. If it was me, I want the other BS to tell me, if you don't want to admit that it is your WS - just call him from a blocked number and tell him he may want to go get checked for STDs bc his wife is sleeping with other men.

Once you plant the seed, he will ferret out the rest - there is a good chance your hubby is not the only one she is sleeping around with. Just a thought.

(HUGS)

millionpieces posted 2/19/2019 17:51 PM

Tomorrow maybe the day I talked to my IC and listening to you guys I have been really torn about what to do and felt it was completely unfair that I have carry this burden alone. As a BS I would want to know for sure. I just donít want to destroy another family. Their child is under 2 I just donít want to be responsible for what I know wil come. Iím trying to protect myself and my kids and these two idiots just didnít even think about anything but themselves. I just wish I knew what the right thing to do would be. I hate that I have to even be put in this position Iím just so so broken right now and shattered .

nekonamida posted 2/19/2019 19:43 PM

As a BS I would want to know for sure. I just donít want to destroy another family.

You are not destroying their family. OW already did that. Right now her BH could be driving himself crazy with suspicions and trying to stuff down her lies. He needs to know.

Dragonfly123 posted 2/20/2019 02:12 AM

Million pieces... youíre not responsible for the possible destruction of her family, SHE IS. If you do not tell the OBS chances are, she will just continue to reign devastation down on her young family (with your WH or with a new AP). This could make the lives of those children so much worse.

millionpieces posted 2/20/2019 22:08 PM

I went to get checked for STDS had to explain to a complete stranger why I needed it done as they had made a mix up with my GP. That was fun they were sympathetic and said Iím so sorry, but he was more interested in how I found out. Got a stack of papers was going to do the blood work and chickened out.

Like wtf is wrong with my why has my life evolved to this. Just as a precursor to all of this I have been battling severe anxiety and depression but have always been there for my family and this was def a bit to the mouth.

I still havenít had the courage to contact OBS but it needs to be done. I spent a day running around to see drs and beat this heavy burden of what to do. He is remorseful but I donít. Know

The1stWife posted 2/21/2019 07:05 AM

Million pieces

So sorry for you. Try not to get overwhelmed by all of it.
Take one thing at a time.

You did the STD test. Done!!

Tell the OBS - by ďxĒ date to get that done.

Then start your own healing. See the IC. Be good to you.

Stop focusing on him and your Marriage and focus on you and your healing. It could help with your depression and anxiety.

millionpieces posted 2/21/2019 22:27 PM

The1stwife thank you for those kinds words you are right. I covered the most important bases and now I have to focus on myself. I will def have to figure out a way to tell the OBS but in this moment myself and my kids are my priority. Thank you everyone for the support. Just been going through the waves of emotions good days and bad days.

MamaDragon posted 2/22/2019 08:53 AM

*hugs*

you mentioned that your WH expressed remorse - has he done anything to show that, such as NC letter or anything like that?

Have you told him it is over?

I'm so sorry you are here.

tushnurse posted 2/22/2019 10:44 AM

This man has taken the control out of your life. You have to dig deep and take it back. NOW!!!!

You will feel less anxiety when you start doing things. Actions will help to decrease that.

So first things first. Go get your blood work done. TODAY!!!!!

Second.... Go see an attorney. I know you want to make your M work, but you can't do it alone, and I fear that right now what you are taking as remorse is truly regret. If it was remorse HE would be telling the OBS.

Third tell the OBS. You are not doing anything to destroy their M. His wife already did that, and she is a shitty person and mother for doing so. The sooner this man can know and take back control of his life the better the chance this poor child will stand of having a somewhat normal life, and to grow up understanding what it means to demand the respect you deserve. Which is also exactly what you should be doing.

millionpieces posted 2/26/2019 20:14 PM

Tushnurse you are right I got my blood work done letís hope that comes back clear.

Been struggling with it all and been spiralling but I canít afford to spiral with two kids itís jusg been awful. You would think it would get easier bec you have been around the block same situation, but it hurts more.

I havent decided on whether to R of leave and idk when I will make that decision. Itís def harder with the kids.

As for the OBS I need you all to please send me good thoughts as I have yet to be able to pick up that phone and tell him whatís happened. Been wrestling with this for 11 days now, and morally and logically I know itís the right thing to do but part of me is like he has no clue he is happy and their kid is under 2. Iím trying very very hard to not think about anyone other than myself and my kids, but itís been difficult.

Chili posted 2/26/2019 20:45 PM

Well crap millionpieces. I'm so sorry you're back here. You've gotten great advice and even though it feels like your flailing around, you're doing brilliantly.

I just popped on to send you some courage in telling the OBS. It took me a little while to muster the strength (and evidence) to do it. I had to practice what I was going to say several times. Just remember to keep telling yourself you are doing the right thing.

He deserves to know the truth. You wish someone would have told you don't you? No one ever told me shit and there were plenty of people who could have clued me in. That was horrible.

He also deserves to know the risks to his own health and to be tested for STDs. These are very righteous things for you to do for someone else.

Remember - you did not cause this mess. By giving him a chance to see the truth of a situation he is clueless about does not mean you're the one who created the situation. You have no way of knowing if he's "happy" or not. Maybe he thinks he's going crazy. Maybe his wife has been acting strange (just like you with your husband) and he doesn't know why. You do know why. Or maybe he already knows and has additional information to pass your way. Maybe he won't believe you and hangs up on you - in which case you tried. It's not helpful to assume what is going on over there or how he might decide to react.

It's not a call you want to have to make, but making it is the kind and honest thing to do.

For me, all these years later - making that shaky call is still one of the bravest things I've ever done. You will be proud of yourself.

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