"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

millionpieces posted 2/17/2019 00:41 AM

Well fuck my life I find myself back here 11 years later dealing with the same pos OW and WH once again. Wish I had taken the advice of a poster here when they told me to run. However, I didn’t stayed and ended up having two kids with him. Fast forward 11years and most of the trust had been earned back, there was defjnitely no contact until the last year. My spider senses started tingling in Sept 2018 as I noticed a change in behaviour but I couldn’t find any solids proof and chalked it up to me being stressed and over thinking.

He stopped answering phone calls and texts and was very distant. Thought it was work stress. Fast forward to VDay 2019 and I had foolishly gone and bought him his favourite chocolates. He brought the kids a big cookie which he does every year and me a small box of chocolates even though I don’t like chocolates. Something just didn’t feel right and I went to print something on the printer the next morning and put pops a gift card from Star Bucks that says Happy Vday Rex from Sue XX. At first I was like this can’t be right but I verified it was a legit card and I confronted. Only to be met with I will call you to discuss. He didn’t deny it and said they had just started talking again but I knew it went back a lot further. He denied that they had met up but upon further pressing he admitted they had sex several times that year and at her house. She is a WW married with two kids under 5 and I just can’t fathom someone doing this. I’m lost, I contacted her but she is avoiding all my calls and I have been trying to reach her spouse to no avail. I’m not sure where to go from here. I don’t think I can get over the fact that they did it her house with the two young kids there that’s pretty fucked up. Help idk

BearlyBreathing posted 2/17/2019 01:58 AM

Hey MP. I am sorry you are back.
Let’s start with the basics: STD testing. Eat right, drink lots of water, get some exercise, sleep. See a doc if you cant sleep.

Get to a lawyer for education. Understand your rights as knowledge really is power.

Get IC to help you navigate this mess. Do you have a close friend or family for IRL support?

And go to the Healing library and read up, especially the 180. Use that mental space for your sanity and to help you decide what you want to do next.

I am really sorry-keep posting. (((MP)))

millionpieces posted 2/17/2019 02:04 AM

Thank you BB. I plan on getting tested ASAP and I’m already in I/C. 180 never been a strong suit but I’m going to give it a go I’m trying real hard to keep it together but I have no support system.

Buster123 posted 2/17/2019 04:39 AM

By now you should know the fastest way to end an A is by full exposure, I know you've tried to contact OBS, keep trying, find out where he works and contact him there or just knock on his door, I don't know if you've tried social media yet, another way is to send him a certified letter that he has to pick up himself at the post office with the details of the A and your phone number, do it without telling your WH, also consult a D attorney to know your legal rights and options.

The1stWife posted 2/17/2019 06:47 AM

I’m sorry you’ve been forced to confront this again.

The 180!.is the best you can do right now. It is the most effective plan of action to get you away from any further pain and dealing with his cheating.

We are here to support you.

Cooley2here posted 2/17/2019 06:53 AM

This is no life. He cheats, he lies, he doesn’t seem to care. You need to be very honest with yourself. Do you want to live like this. See a lawyer.

millionpieces posted 2/17/2019 07:46 AM

I have tried the social media route and a unable to locate the OBS. I do believe I tracked his work number, but this means that I have to wait until Tuesday. She has thei house oh e blocked so you can’t get through and registered mail can be opened here in Canada and picked up by spouse. I feel terrible bec he too will be blindsided and the children involved are quite young. I thought about just leaving it too because she may have already told him her version.

[This message edited by millionpieces at 11:03 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

tushnurse posted 2/17/2019 09:12 AM

Stop focusing on ow. Time to make you the priority.
Kick his ass out of the house and if you cant do that kick him out of your bedroom.

Read up on 180.

Furious1 posted 2/17/2019 10:21 AM

I am so sorry that you are going through this yet again. I truly hope that you give yourself just as much love and compassion as you are trying to give to the OBS in wanting to tell him about the A. I know how easy it is to focus all of our attention outward while not focusing enough of our attention on our own needs. Please take care of you. Inform the OBS if you can, but take care of you in the meantime.

F1

FaithFool posted 2/17/2019 10:22 AM

Ugh, million, I remember you came on board a year before me. These idiots don't know what they have until it's gone. What an asshole.

minusone posted 2/17/2019 13:00 PM

((((millionpieces)))) I am so sorry. FTG!

HardenMyHeart posted 2/17/2019 19:15 PM

I remember you MP and I'm so sorry to see you back here.

I’m just sick with all that happened and yes I know staying is not an option. I’m in the process of hiring a shark
Lawyer and seeing what my options are. I don’t think it will end otherwise.

I agree. You gave him the gift of reconciliation and your WH shit all over it. It's time to jettison this sorry excuse for a husband.

ETA: Forgot to mention, be sure to check out The Healing Library. SI has added more articles that you may find helpful.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 7:18 PM, February 17th (Sunday)]

brkn_heartd posted 2/17/2019 20:07 PM

I am so sorry. I think what happened to you is what many of us all worry about. I am so very, very sorry.

As Tushnurse said...kick him out...I also agree not to overfocus on OW...find her H. It doesn't matter what she says already...you have the proof...how do you say I have had sex with someone else with the kids at home in a way that is acceptable?

Focus on you and your children....nothing other matters at the moment. Go to the attorney as you said and get information. I hate to ask...but I will....is there any chance any of her children are his children? That may change things which if so...get to the attorney sooner than later.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

SMSA925 posted 2/17/2019 21:20 PM

((Million Pieces)) I am so so sorry you've found yourself in this position. I had a repeat with the same OW as well, 25 years apart. After the dust settled the second time one of the things I couldn't, and still cant believe is that they didn't have any contact for 25 years. Nope, no way. Also due to other things that came to the surface (see my story) there is NO WAY I believe he hasnt been cheating our whole marriage.

One of the (many)things that made me want to strangle him this time around was, when I asked him why, after all the damage he caused the first time, why would he get involved with that POS AGAIN?!!! He said they shared something special! Really?!! How many commandments did you break during that something special? Ugh. Hes just too stupid to be my husband.

If I can give you any advice it would be get to her BS any way you can with hard evidence
Hire a PI if you need to. His wife is a ho. He deserves to know.

Again, I'm so so sorry I'm not the only one.

millionpieces posted 2/17/2019 21:30 PM

Faithfool and hardenheart geez 11 years and you all still remember me as I have never forgotten this community or all the people that helped me through DDAY 1. I never imagined I would find myself here again. I was a fool and let my guard down, and kick myself for not listening to my gut. I just knew for a good 9 months and yet I kept pushing it aside. I just never thought it would happen again and with the same OW.

Thanks to this community I am already well versed in the 180 and removed myself from the bedroom and have been sleeping in my youngest room. I cleared out my closet so I wouldn’t have to step one foot and took all my imp documents. I have been focusing on just myself and girls. That’s the most important part to me.

I do have a bit of an update since I initially posted. He tried talking to me and I told him there was nothing to talk about as 11 years ago the same shit happened and here we are again. I truly didn’t want an explanation or details, but I found myself engaging in the why when how what where and down that rabbit hole I went. I just wanted to know if he was remorseful and what the end game was. He states there was no end game he wanted his family I laughed bec that’s not how it seemed.

The OW called me to I guess mitigate the circumstances. She started off with lies about how you had given him the gift card as a thank you for the consult and that she would never message again. I asked her if that’s a going rate of $20 gift card for fucking someone else’s husband. She was startled he had actually told the truth. The worst part was how uneducated and flippant she was. Like when my 5 year old get told to apologize and uses that tone I told her you aren’t sorry and you are a terrible piece of shit that has no regard for herself or anyone else. She actually tried to make excuses and said if I told her bs he would snap. So I’m supposed to feel sorry for her I think that just pushed my buttons. I told her very calmly that she should tell her bs herself bec it will spare him all the pain and aggravation and to be truthful, however, it fell on deaf years.

My plan is to focus on myself and the kids, and I will figure it out as I go. Thank you all for your support and I’m sorry we are all here
I

millionpieces posted 2/17/2019 21:37 PM

Samsa925 I’m so sorry you had to go through that as well. Idk half of me thinks it would have been less cruel had it been someone else the fact it was her just pushed me over. Neither here nor there he made his bed. I had been tracking for a while but it seemed like she had tried to fish every couple years and he ignored her, this last year he took the bait.

So I asked when it started he couldn’t remember but when I asked her she said it had been a year. Triggers me bec that’s when it started last time and it happens to coincide with my bday so it’s all just one big mind fuck. I told her to come here get his ass and explain to my kids and hers why their family was breaking apart and she would be new step mom she definitely was not happy and said that was never the intention. Rolling my eyes listening to her nonsense

Tallgirl posted 2/18/2019 07:10 AM

(((Millionpieces))) your husband is incredibly selfish. You deserve way better. I am so sorry you returned to SI for this reason.

Is your husband remorseful? Or just sorry he was caught?

I can’t believe the OW called you - normally i’d Say who does that but she clearly feels that she has a riight - she has no shame.

I think hiring a shark is a good idea. Your WH is in a world of his own. I hope you can connect with her BH.

Take care of yourself and your kids.

Buster123 posted 2/18/2019 12:35 PM

Don't forget to contact OBS at work tomorrow, it's the right thing to do, if she didn't want him to snap whe shouldn't have been having an A with your WH, it's about time she has some consequences for her betrayal.

millionpieces posted 2/18/2019 21:08 PM

I’m still wavering on whether or not I should tell the OBS my police office buddy told me I shouldn’t bec if he ends up killing his wife and than coming over and starting shit at my house my kids will see it. I know it’s the right thing to do so I’m very very torn.

Jeaniegirl posted 2/18/2019 21:21 PM

It's clear to me why the OW called - damage control!! She's afraid Millionpieces will call her husband, as Millionpieces should!

Millionpieces, did the OW's H know about the first affair round?