It is also essential that both have a good IC. If your H isn't even consulting one, he simply does not think that there is a problem with his hobby, fantasies or unfultilled passions.
You cannot convince him otherwise. He may pretend to understand and refrain from such activity for a while but unless he truly gets that it is inappropriate and not accpetable to you he will feel controlled and resentful. That anger will fuel his desire to act out.
Thanks Shocked123. I wasn't ready to hear that advice when you wrote it, but now that time has passed I am living with this situation.
He is incredibly angry at me right now.
He decided he didn't need IC, but we've had 3 MC sessions. The most recent one he minimized his actions - that a "happy ending" was not much different than masturbation. (That was said at the end of the session, so we really didn't have an opportunity to respond to that.)
I went on his computer and found a folder where he was gathering data and information to use against me, clearly for the sole purpose of hurting me. I'm no prude here, and my explorations of my sexuality went online, and he loved it and encouraged it. Now I'm being shamed for it, and he's gathering the data to hurt me.
(BTW - I deleted the hurtful data, emptied the recycle bin, found his iCloud photo stream and deleted any photos from there as well. I hope it deleted the stuff from his iPhone as well.)
Right now I feel I'm in a crisis mode.
He discovered the surveillance camera that I run at night on my computer, and it shows his comings and goings into the office. He thinks I am spying on him. He also thinks my intent is to see what porn he watches. There is no way to see what is on his computer as the camera is too far away. But yes, I did view that footage with closer scrutiny - I don't really know why, as there wasn't any revelation or new discoveries, just him surfing the net as far as I could tell.
In these last few weeks, we've made love - like normal married people - and started to enjoy each other. He clearly wanted me, and hoped for us to get to a "new normal". Now it seems that will be gone forever. His anger towards me seems out of whack.
He thinks I stole his backup drive as he can't find it. So clearly his intention is to restore what I deleted. I don't know what happened to his backup drive. If I had it, I would tell him and refuse to return it.
I wish I could understand why he wants to hurt me. He claims he's gathering the data to "protect himself", but it doesn't make sense to me how hurting me will protect him.
Our next MC is scheduled for Monday, and my IC is scheduled for Tuesday. It's going to be a long weekend.
I'm 63 and he's 69. Almost 30 years together. We love each other, and like each other, so I thought we could work through this. But as you said @Shocked123, "He may pretend to understand and refrain from such activity for a while but unless he truly gets that it is inappropriate and not acceptable to you he will feel controlled and resentful". Well, he now feels controlled and resentful. And I am heartbroken.