SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

de.va.sta.ted posted 3/24/2019 08:24 AM

nortonj,

I dated a guy like your WH, ages ago. I got caught up in his enthusiasms, and desire to live life fully, and experience things intensely. But after a while, I realized he was just pretty pretentious. He thought he was different than other people, and immune to the drudgery/tasks/commitments that makes up much of life.

He loved going on road trips and seeing new places (me too!). But he didn't want to unpack the car, do the laundry, put things away. Ummm... neither do I. But I do it. That was the gist of it - it's immaturity.

He thinks being married to you is a compromise because he can't fulfill every fantasy he can concoct? The payoff isn't great enough?
Good riddance.

When I was in the grips of that relationship I thought I could never be happy without him. Life could only be shades of grey.

I was wrong. It was just a lot more peaceful.

Read about the 180, in the yellow box above. Regardless of the outcome, it will help you gain some clarity. I wasn't very good at it, but whenever I could apply it, I felt more in control.

[This message edited by de.va.sta.ted at 10:35 AM, March 24th (Sunday)]

Krieger posted 3/24/2019 14:25 PM

I won't tell he can't change, but I see nothing that leads me to believe he has any intention of doing so. Once you let that cat out of the bag, it is pretty tough to get him back in there. Why is he mad? Because you are taking away his toy (fantasies). Somebody has to be responsible for this mess and he has decided it is you. Well you didn't expect him to take responsibility for his actions did you? He is a garden variety narcissist.

I would pay little attention to his words and concentrate on his actions. His text to the model is just a simple case of fishing. He was going to pay her as a model and if he could get her to do anything else, then great. You are a big girl and have to make your own decisions, but I just can't find a happy ever after in this story.

Shocked123 posted 3/24/2019 15:36 PM

He is sounding paranoid and close to coming unglued..
Maybe he is white knuckling right now and withdrawing from his extra-marital hobbies.
There is something very wrong and not to sound too dramatic, I would worry about what he will do to you.
These images of you that he is holding over your head are extremely concerning to me.
Please make sure there is nothing in or around your bedroom or bathroom that he could be secretly filming.
Sounds like he's looking for "stuff" on you. What mature adult in a committed marriage does that?

Oftencheatedon posted 3/24/2019 17:52 PM

He’s just a pathetic old man who wants to put his dick in as many orifices as possible to try to feel young again.

It would just be laughable except for the acute pain he is causing you. He’s not enlightened or passionate - he’s just pitiful.

NorCalLost posted 3/24/2019 18:12 PM

(((nortonj))) Your husband is trying to use noble words to elevate his simple urges to have sex with other people. He's like my ex. He doesn't mind committing infidelity, as long as people don't define what he does as infidelity.

My husband literally picked a fight with me in order to justify leaving me, GHOSTING me, for two months in 2015. I was away for work, we were on the phone, and I asked him why a woman he'd admitted attraction to had spent three hours at our home that day. He blew up at me and accused me of questioning his integrity. Then he hung up on me and I didn't hear from him again in any way for the next two months. My own husband.

Meanwhile, the whole time, he WAS pursuing this other woman. But, he couldn't stand the thought of being labeled a cheater, which is why he picked the fight. So he could call himself SINGLE when he was hitting on the other woman.

I tell you this, because often cheaters try to redefine the crappy, disloyal things they do, in order to live with themselves and/or justify their actions. This is what your husband is doing. He is not capable of monogamy, and you are being warned by him that he isn't. A lot of us didn't get that warning from our spouses. Take advantage of it. Cut your losses and get out now, before you are hurt even worse.

P.S. During the "I'm leaving you" phone conversation this past April 2018, he expressed a lot of bitterness that *I'd never made a threesome happen for him. He expected me to find a prospect and arrange all the details, and in leaving me he considered THAT one of my huge failings as a wife. That I didn't bring a third party into our bedroom.

[This message edited by NorCalLost at 6:14 PM, March 24th (Sunday)]