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In laws & vacation... a question

Gottagetthrough posted 2/6/2019 04:05 AM

For about 10 years we had gone to Wh’s hometown and visited the week of July 4, because Wh gets several days off work at that time.

I’m 2016, we didn’t go because Wh had surgery and used his July 4th week offf to have and then recover from surgery.

In 2016, my sisters in law started going an hour away to a little resort town . In 2017, when I started making plans to come up for our usual July 4 visit, I was told that they have a tradition of taking a family vacation to the resort, so they won’t be home for us to visit.

I ended up talking to MIL and we went to the resort town in 2017. The hotel that everyone was at was full, so we stayed about 2 miles away, but it was ok. Kids got to play and go to the water park...

In 2018, I knew about this “tradition “ and asked MIL early about booking a hotel room. I was told my SILs already went in and split the cost of a lake house , and oops, sorry, we couldn’t get in on it (it was 3 stories, 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms...) we still went, stayed at a hotel 20 minutes away.

My son’s birthday was the day they got the keys to the lake house, and mil asked if it was ok if we drove to the lake house to “set it up” ... remember... we aren’t staying there AND we aren’t local like the in laws who live just an hour from the lake house. I said sure, thinking my SILs and their kids would also be there helping set it up. Nope. Just us and MIL were there, taking bedding, food, etc, into the lake house. That were weren’t invited to stay at.

So. Would you go back this July 4? We all have a great time when we get together with the cousins. I stand my sisters in law and mil so my kids can play with their cousins. And make great memories. But am I sending the wrong message to my kids? I feel like the in laws are treating us crappy and maybe we shouldn’t go if we are always left out.

WH votes for going and not rocking the boats. He says nothing’s wrong with his sisters and mom staying together and is staying somewhere else.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 6:56 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)]

EvenKeel posted 2/6/2019 07:37 AM

Nope. Just us and MIL were there, taking bedding, food, etc, into the lake house. That were weren’t invited to stay at.
Geeez - WHATTAHELL??????

He says nothing’s wrong with his sisters and mom staying together and is staying somewhere else.
While I would definitely be offended by not being included - it sounds like a blessing. Meaning, you can still go and enjoy the people you do like (and your children their cousins) without being stuck in a house with them the entire time.

If you do enjoy it - then go. Rent your OWN little lakehouse or condo. Visit them on your terms but DO NOT go and help with all this set up BS. I would be so mad too....like she thinks I am the family maid or something. Heck no.

I am sorry that are jerks.

If you really don't enjoy this and it feels more like a chore; then take that week and go somewhere with just your family.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 7:39 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)]

Gottagetthrough posted 2/6/2019 11:04 AM

Double post

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 11:05 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)]

Gottagetthrough posted 2/6/2019 11:04 AM

Lol! Yeah! I had no idea we would be the only ones setting up the house! Even my 13 year old was like what was that all about? Never again!

That’s the issue- I enjoy going! So what if my SILs and mil don’t like me? We are on the lake, (we went to their lake house and stayed most of the day every day) they had kayaks there and a small boat... it was great, MIL cooked (she’s an amazing cook) and it was just wonderful. I ignored SIL #2, and SIL # 1 has some type of agoraphobia, so she was only out the first day. The rest of the week she stayed in her bedroom and got her kids to bring her food .

I just feel bad that my kids aren’t included in family stuff. All the cousins are at the lake house, and my 2 kids have to leave. Watching a movie at 9 pm? Sorry, we gotta go.

They did invite my DD to sleep over several nights. So my son ended up odd man out a lot of the time. Which, he didn’t seem to mind, but when he’s a little older he might

tushnurse posted 2/6/2019 18:14 PM

Consider yourself fortunate. You get time together and meals and time on your own.
I think its about perfect esp with the crazyass sisters.

Gottagetthrough posted 2/7/2019 05:29 AM

Ok, I will! We DO have a blast there... I was wondering if it’s bad for the kids to go and be a little left out of the group, but you know what, I’m not going to worry anymore.

tushnurse posted 2/7/2019 10:22 AM

Way to go Gotta .... Life gets a whole lot better when you quit giving a shit what others think.

EvenKeel posted 2/8/2019 10:06 AM

The more I think about this - the more bizarre it all is.

You had been going to his hometown for 10 years over the 4th of July...and then suddenly in 2016 the SIL's decided they have a family tradition of going to this resort? Or did they mean they have a family tradition of doing family vacations but at that point just started moving it to the week of the 4th?

Your MIL knows her son comes every year over the 4th but yet in 2017 - they book at the hotel without you and then in 2018 you call early and yet they (again) book without you.

When you mention coming to visit she says "they won't be home for you to even visit".

The more I think about it - I can see why you half of you just wants to wash your hands of the entire thing.

Ugh - family!

Bigger posted 2/8/2019 10:14 AM

I shuddered when I read this post…
For years our vacations were dictated by extended family demands. And for years we had to visit this sibling or that aunt or go to this place or that place…
Until one day my wife and I decided no – no more.
And we started focusing on us and OUR needs. What was best for OUR family. And based our holidays on that. All of a sudden, our kids saw Spain, and Paris, and London... We slept in a bed rather than a sofa-couch. We had cocktails rather than beer from a can. We had fun on our grounds rather than fun on other grounds.
And everyone survived.
Extended family too.

nightowl1975 posted 2/9/2019 11:07 AM

My first thought reading the OP and subsequent additional info is they don’t want your son there. At first, I thought it was your kids, but the fact that they invited your daughter to stay makes me think it’s about your son. As objectively as you can be as his mom, is he a difficult child? Different? Loud, excitable, ADHD, defiant, whiny, cries a lot, that sort of thing? Is he signicantly different age-wise than the other cousins? How does your husband fit in with his sisters? Is he the “black shee” of the family? Was he the behavior problem growing up? It seems there are some huge family dynamics going on here. I personally wouldn’t have it... exclude my kids from the lake house vacation and I’m fine with that. But I woundn’t go at all. There are plenty of people out there to bond with, spend time with, go on trips with, that won’t exclude your family from a major part of the trip/event. How do you even explain to the kids that they aren’t welcome to the later evening or early morning activities because you have to stay elsewhere? That’s messed up.

Gottagetthrough posted 2/9/2019 12:08 PM

You had been going to his hometown for 10 years over the 4th of July...and then suddenly in 2016 the SIL's decided they have a family tradition of going to this resort?

EvenKeel- Yes. For years we’ve been going to their hometown for the week of July 4. This is due to hubby’s office getting that week off work, so it’s pretty set that we are visiting on July 4th week.

In 2016 we did NOT go, since hubby had surgery and used that week off work to have surgery and recover.

The next year I was told that they have a “family tradition” of going to the lake for July 4th. The lake is an hour away from them, so it’s not like they have to get plane tickets or anything like that... but they still plan it months ahead.


NightOwl1975- that’s my thought, too. Screw you, I’m not going to your vacation if you’re not including my family. But we do have a blast. When we have to leave at night, it’s just like, oh, we are going back to to hotel, we’ll see cousins tomorrow. My DD thinks it’s weird, but my DS doesn’t seem to care.

I think that they ask DD to stay over because she’s older and very close to one of her cousins. So, it’s really for my sister in law’s daughter that my DD gets to stay over. SIL and her hubby have done things like this in the past (example- a Taylor Swift concert in NYC). They gave their daughter 2 tickets to the concert as a gift, and she got to bring any friend she wanted. Well, who does she want to bring? My DD. My DD remembers it as, “The time aunt Susie took me to Taylor Swift”. When, really, it was, “The time Aunt Susie wanted her daughter to have a good time and you got the friend ticket to Taylor Swift”

My husband has bipolar 1 and went through a manic phase about 10 years ago. We were divorcing and the sisters in law said some stuff that makes me know they REALLY never liked me. I think the fact that he got on meds, and we reconciled pissed them off. I also think they are tired of dealing with a bipolar person and his ups and downs. Lastly, yes, he’s much younger than them. So there’s always been that age gap.


[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 12:10 PM, February 9th (Saturday)]

sewardak posted 2/9/2019 12:13 PM

why can't your husband say, you treat GGT with respect or I am not in this family anymore.

that said, we have never vacationed or been to a holiday with family. we're all too different and I want my own traditions, not theirs. So, my kids' have never spent Christmas or Thanksgiving with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.
It has worked out very well for us.
I don't think there has ever been a family reunion either. we all live too far away from each other and most don't get along. so we have our cozy little family together and don't feel badly about it.


Cooley2here posted 2/9/2019 12:56 PM

I lost my parents and my brother when they were still young. He and his family lived so far away that my children never got to know his children very well. I made up my mind that my children and their cousins are going to be family. That means everyone comes to my house for Thanksgiving. It’s a huge family and trying to fit everyone in is a pain in the butt but the kids love it. Even the grownup grandchildren refused to go anywhere but here on Thanksgiving. What we have all decided to do is not talk politics, not take offense and everyone pitches in. For the last couple of years some have had to use hotels because we just got so many people we did not have sleeping room for everyone. Even with blowup mattresses and cots we were just bumping into each other all night so now they come early, stay as late as they want to, then go to the hotel when they want to, and the kids that want to actually stay here just find a spot somewhere and roll up and go to sleep. No one has any expectations except that we all pitch in to cook and we all pitch in to clean up. If they are silently excluding you but your children enjoy it then do it. You and your h can spend the day doing what you want without including the adults if you don’t want to. Don’t take their behaviors personally. They inherited the same genes your husband did and probably have some undiagnosed issues. He found medication that helped. Maybe they haven’t.

sewardak posted 2/9/2019 21:28 PM

^^^ also good advice!

Gottagetthrough posted 2/10/2019 17:38 PM

Good advice. I’m thinking about this from MY perspective. The adults silently exclude me, and to a certain extent my kids; I’m worried my kids will be bothered.

My kids are seeing this from their perspective- we get to go to a hotel, eat out, and see our cousins?!? AWESOME!

We’ll be going this summer and have a great time! Who cares if we get to stay in the lake house? Our hotel was across from the water park that we went to twice without the ILS

sewardak posted 2/11/2019 06:10 AM

"The adults silently exclude me"

why? And why doesn't your husband do something about this?

bookworm19 posted 2/11/2019 07:59 AM

Gottagetthrough, if your kids don't have an issue with it, don't make it an issue. But still, do somehow what is best for you. Your plan is great and your children seem happy with the arrangement, you can interact with your inlaws as much (or as little) as you want. Let the kids have a good time and you do something fun with your husband. This sounds great ,

[This message edited by bookworm19 at 8:00 AM, February 11th (Monday)]

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