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Groundhog Day

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1Faith posted 1/31/2019 13:49 PM

I want myself back. I keep waiting for her to show up.

^^^ The loss of self esteem and sense of self is one of the worst things infidelity robs of from the BS, IMO.

You are hurt and lost and that is completely understandable and normal. We all have been there 100x's over.

You are still you and you can find your way back to yourself. You can.

It truly does just take TIME (the ugliest four letter word).

Be kind to yourself. Seek IC just for you.

Keep reading and keep posting. We are here for you.

Tallgirl posted 1/31/2019 20:06 PM

Sandbar you are amazing. You are strong, smart, caring and a kind person. Your wH is a truly selfish and unworthy of you.

He is having a full on A and you need to protect yourself from his cheating ways.

Anyone who asks for a. D from a recovering cancer survivor is a dick and not worthy of you. You canít get more selfish.

Do what you need to be healthy, happy and move towards peace.

Big hugs girl!

annb posted 2/1/2019 15:47 PM

Sandbar, time to find your bitch boots and lace those babies up tight

^^^This.

I know you are exhausted, but he is driving this bus, put yourself in the driver's seat and take control. He is cake eating, blame shifting, and just being a real pos.

Dig deep into your closet and find the tallest bitch boots you can find. Strap them on, if you need a pair, I'll lend you mine . I am basically an introvert, have always been on the quiet side, but when I found out about my WH affair, I must have put on a pair of thigh-high boots, because I wouldn't tolerate any bullsh*t .

Once you get the ball rolling with a D, doesn't mean you have to go through with it, it will show him you mean business and will not tolerate any more disrespect. Give him a huge push off of that fence, and get yourself out of infidelity.

Lean on as many people as you need to for support.

A huge hug to you.

steadychevy posted 2/1/2019 18:30 PM

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, Sandbar. According to Dr. Shirley Glass the COW adultery is the "new" adultery arena. That is what my WW had, as well, with an AP she supervised for 4 years. The other thing about the workplace adultery is that they are often very difficult to find out about.

It's difficult to believe, isn't it, that this man that you've lived with, loved, raised children with could abandon you when you are fighting for your life. Isn't he just so precious. He's now stringing you along hoping to maintain the life he has become accustomed to, IMO. I think his backing off on D is strictly because he found out what the consequences of D would be for him.

Hysterical bonding (HB) is very common. In my case it was me trying to reclaim my position as the husband and probably to prove that I was a virile man. I think for my WW it was for damage control. It didn't last long for me because we went on a trip and being in a hotel with her was traumatic (she and he travelled for work a lot and she called him to her room immediately after hanging up from me and our "love yous" and "good nights". Kind of put a damper on things.

I lend my support to the conversation about outing the adultery to the OBS. I know you haven't quite figured out who it is yet but when you do the OBS deserves to know. His life is very much affected. He may know something is "off" but doesn't know quite why or suspects but can't prove either.

The other thing I would recommend is to have your WH served D papers at work. I know that's been suggested already. It does show that this is serious.

You should know, as a disclaimer, that I'm separated from my WW and have filed for D.

CatsEye posted 2/1/2019 20:59 PM

First, take care of your physical health. Eat well. Drink plenty of water. Go to bed at a reasonable and consistent hour, and if you can't sleep, just lie there and think about how good it feels to rest. Avoid alcohol and drugs. Take your vitamins and medicines. See your physician and ask about melatonin or other sleep aids or anxiety medicine if you think you need it. Keep up with your treatments.

If you have family and friends that you can trust, tell them what is going on and get them to help you with anything they can. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help. If they really love you, they will be wishing they could do more.

GET TESTED FOR STDs, AND DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THIS MAN AGAIN UNTIL THERE IS NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER THAT HE IS COMPLETELY FAITHFUL AND HE HAS BROUGHT YOU A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH. Which means certainly no sex with him for the foreseeable future and probably never again as long as you live.

You have cancer. If he throws an STD on top of that, it could easily kill you, and then the man who abandoned you right when you needed him and tried to manipulate you into screwing yourself in a divorce while you were dealing with cancer will get ALL of the money and will move one of the trashy sluts who helped him to betray you into YOUR home where they will congratulate each other on how well things worked out for them once the "bitch" died so conveniently.


Second, take care of your emotional health. Do 180, and do it HARD. Quit the "good talks". They're all lies and manipulation on his part. They aren't accomplishing anything whatsoever except to keep you in limbo so he has more time to find ways to shaft you. If he were the least bit sincere about reconciliation, he would have told you who she was or who they were. Unless you have a history of jealous violence, he has no excuse whatsoever to hide the truth from you, and his reason is that he is still cheating with her. I can just about guarantee you that.

Take some time for yourself if it is at all possible. Listen to music. Cuddle with your children or pets. Spend some time on a hobby you love. Read a good book. Go out for lunch with a friend and talk only about good things. Go to a museum or a concert or a silly tourist attraction that's nearby. Take a walk in the park. Buy yourself some perfume or a pretty scarf or something. Indulge yourself a little.

Silently whisper to yourself every single time you feel sad or lost or inadequate: I might not be perfect, but I will always be better than he deserves, and I will always deserve better than him.


Third, get your legal ducks in a row. Quit waiting on him. He has clearly decided to put off the divorce solely because of how much money it might cost him. He will keep you dangling on a string as long as it suits him and drop you the instant it doesn't, no matter what it does to you.

Try to get his promises to take care of you and your medical expenses as a signed statement. If he signs, take the statement to your lawyer; if he doesn't, you know he never meant it.

Document everything you can about his neglect, infidelity, and bad treatment. Be merciless. He certainly has been.

Get advice from your lawyer and do everything you can to protect your finances.


Fourth, accept that this man does not care for you.

I know that's hard. I know you don't want to believe it. I know you want to keep believing in the facade he presented in order to hook you. I know you would much rather believe the pretty illusion than face the ugly truth. But not only do you mean nothing to this man, I'm afraid that this man is most likely a sociopath or a psychopath who is incapable of truly caring about another human being. People like that are highly manipulative and utterly dangerous.

Any man who was capable of basic human decency would not have treated you the way this man has. I do not believe he is capable of remorse, and if I'm right, that means that there will NEVER be a reconciliation, just him using you until he thinks it's advantageous to discard you. This man is your mortal enemy, and the sooner you recognize that, the sooner you can crawl out of the pit you are in.

Get out before he destroys you. Please.


Fifth, you can wait for a positive identification that you might never get, you can talk to your lawyer about how to get the truth, or you can simply take what you have to the other spouse and tell him the truth: My husband has been cheating with someone at work. I think it's your wife, but I don't have ironclad proof. Here is what I have. Is there any way you can check on this stuff and verify anything for me?


Best of luck.

mae19681995 posted 2/3/2019 10:39 AM

Dear sandbar, So sorry of all you are going through. Your WH does need to decide what he wants. Have you all gotten into counseling? You mentioned about professional help so I am assuming that is what you are referring to. Please try it. Maybe even just start with IC versus MC?? Your life has had some traumatic event and processing all of that with an objective bystander is very, very helpful. The truth, the whole ugly truth, has to come to the forefront, before either of you can even begin to heal and forgive.

mamabear22 posted 2/12/2019 09:42 AM

Who is this co-worker that isn't the AP that is getting the packages?

She is a friend of my husbands that we see socially about 1-2 times a year, send xmas cards, etc. I suspect she has no idea how involved she is.

Don't disclude her from your list of suspects.

mamabear22 posted 2/12/2019 09:59 AM

I don't know. Fear? Hurt? Self-esteem? Still holding on to nothing? Denial?

Every one of my reactions in the last few weeks have surprised me. I do not feel like myself.

I went through the same thing. My actions shocked me. Give yourself time to process it. Even if he decides that he want s to pause the divorce and you want to attempt to reconcile, you still call the shots. If he says he wants to pause the divorce tell him he can do what he likes that you still haven't decided. Tell him full transparency, changing jobs, and IC is a requirement for you. See what he does. If he doesn't then you know your answer. You don't have to decide right away and you can change your mind and divorce at ANY time.

BrokenheartedUK posted 2/12/2019 10:24 AM

Big hug. You're doing great. You really are. Any one of these things are your plate would be quite enough but more then one... well, you don't have the time or the energy to be angry. Yet. You'll get there.

I wouldn't discount the lesser likely option as the OW. In fact, if both are married I would just go ahead and contact both spouses and explain your suspicions. What do you have to lose? One of them will figure it out. It's not your problem to be careful. Once you have confirmation, go to HR.

This is crazy making stuff but take your gloves off and get in the fight. Let your lawyer do the dirty stuff and make sure that your interim finances are protected.

And to be honest, your WS is a dick for doing all this while you are undergoing cancer treatment. He loves you as the mother of his children? Puh-lease. Gah.

Do what you have to do but stop the hysterical bonding (sex in the wake of the A discovery) and get some objectivity. Stop talking this through with him. He clearly doesn't come close to *getting it* and there's no point in engaging. Your marriage might have been on the rocks, but there are a host of other constructive ways to deal with that. You weren't happy but you didn't cheat either.

This is a serious trauma being betrayed so be kind to yourself. Kinder then usual with the cancer treatment. Hang in there. Keep posting.

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