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Groundhog Day

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recovering2018 posted 1/30/2019 13:36 PM

Do NOT let on to your husband what you know and what you don't know.

Tell him that honesty is required for R, and that you need a whole list of questions answered in writing. Imply that you already know a lot, and that if any of his answers are lies, then that will trigger the D process.

As part of the questions, ask for the identity of ALL APs, not just the one. That will help obscure what you don't know.

annb posted 1/30/2019 13:38 PM

Hi, never, ever reveal your sources. Keep them close to the vest.

Good luck!

Ginny posted 1/30/2019 13:42 PM

He “checked out” of your surgeries and treatments for CANCER. Do you REALLY want to R with this guy?

I am so angry FOR you!

You need to take your power back.

180. 180. 180.

Go to the Doctor and get tested for STDs. Cheaters lie. A lot.

Stay in IC.

Start working out. Walk, if nothing else. Eat well. Stay hydrated and stay away from alcohol.

Find your posse. Who can you count on to listen to you and speak truth to you. (Besides us of course).

Find out the name of the OW. Hire a PI if you have to. Maybe put a VAR in his car if it is legal where you live. You can find out a lot by listening to who he talks to on the way to and from work.

Never, ever reveal your sources or how you find things out. Be mysterious. If they know, they will only go deeper underground.

Do not ignore your gut. Sometimes our gut is our superhero power. I listened to mine and caught them in bed together. I found out later the OW wailed, “How did she KNOW?”

I was married 29 years when this happened. We are now R, but ONLY after YEARS of hard, hard work. My fwh was all in for R. That is the only way it works.

180. No more “pick-me”. You can do this. If he is unwilling to be all in for reconciliation, then neither should you. You deserve better than the way he is treating you right now.


[This message edited by Ginny at 1:56 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

stubbornft posted 1/30/2019 14:07 PM

What does he say when you ask who it is?

sandbar posted 1/30/2019 15:10 PM

What does he say when you ask who it is?

He said he wasn't going to tell me. He's given me enough descriptions of her life in our conversations that I have it narrowed down to 2 people. Plus his credit card receipts have given me some information also.

He's not ready for R, and will never be until he gives up protecting her. And I have no reason to protect him or her at this point. I understand that this shit show is most likely over. I think I've accepted it.

I don't know why I continue to hold on. Maybe because of the kids? The amount of years we have been married? My values? Who knows? I really always thought that I would be the one to walk away if this ever happened. I was so sure of myself. Turns out, I had no idea.
It's not so black and white.

[This message edited by sandbar at 3:28 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

Buster123 posted 1/30/2019 23:25 PM

Quit playing games, just tell him he's got 30 seconds to tell you who the AP is and to show you his text messages with her to prove it, tell him to also show you texts to the OW (He could have 2 APs), if he refuses just file for D and have him served at work without warning, there' s a saying here that "You have to be willing to lose your M in order to save it", D takes a long time and can be stopped at anytime before it's final if he comes around, shows true remorse, ends his A(s), commimts to NC FOREVER with AP (if she doesn't quit he needs to find a new job), offers full on demand access to his phones and all electronic devices and passwords, gets tested for STDs, agrees to sign a postnup in your favor in case he cheats again in the future, apologizes to all family and close friends for his huge betrayal, commits to IC to find out his "whys" and agrees to do the heavy lifting to restore the M he destroyed, only then should you just CONSIDER giving him the gift of R, or NOT !!! if D papers and full exposure don't shock him back to reality then nothing will, either way you get out of infidelity.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 1/30/2019 23:46 PM

First I wish you continued strength in your fight against cancer and I'm so sorry that on top of that you are dealing with infidelity. Please make doubly sure you care for yourself.

My WH wouldn't identify the OW either. A combination of connecting dots, joining SI, internet searches, and help from 2 members on SI is what got me a name. I believe he never would have told me who it was. Withholding that information and basically protecting the OW for as long as possible did tremendous damage. To us. To me.

The FB friend suggestion is very clever. You may want to purchase a VAR and place it in his car.

Not knowing is maddening. I hope you find out soon so you can begin your first steps forward.

sandbar posted 1/31/2019 06:05 AM

The talk last night was crap, IMO. He did answer questions about the OW, but nothing identifying although my gut is even more pointing in the direction that I thought. They bonded over issues with spouses, and she gave him attention that I wasn't. He says is became serious when I was first diagnosed. (lies. lies. lies.)

He is very mad at me for my (our) careless attitudes that we developed in our marriage that have led us to where we are. He's sorry he got caught and wishes he had just divorced me the first time instead of dragging it out. Basically, he's sorry he got caught.

He feels like this situation is unfair because no one can see my "crimes" (being the worst wife ever ) but his are in plain view, and that he will be seen as the bad guy. He says he hates what our marriage became.

I completely agree with that one, I hate what our marriage has become.

He is trying to decide if he wants to continue with the divorce or not. He's pretty sure he does, but I have surprised him in the last few weeks which is making him second guess. He wants to know if I am interested in a "pause" on the divorce so that I can finish my surgeries before we proceed. Something with that doesn't sit with me right. It would give me time to save more $$$ for my lawyer, but I feel like that is not a genuine offer. It's an offer that he thinks will make him look better. Not one that has my best interests in mind. And at this point, I don't feel like giving him any chance to look better. He made this bed. Lie in it.

I did not reveal what I know or how I know it. I'm going to keep that in my back pocket for a while.

So, I am back to 180 and waiting for his next move on the divorce.

childofcheater posted 1/31/2019 06:33 AM

Don't wait for his next move take control!

totallydumb posted 1/31/2019 06:39 AM

Why are you waiting for his next move on the divorce?

What do YOU WANT? Do not let him make all the decisions. You take control of YOUR LIFE.

Why does he have the power to decide on the divorce all by himself? His choices and decisions have gotten you to where you are today..... perhaps its time to make your own decisions and choices.

sandbar posted 1/31/2019 07:05 AM

Why are you waiting for his next move on the divorce?
What do YOU WANT? Do not let him make all the decisions. You take control of YOUR LIFE.

I don't know. Fear? Hurt? Self-esteem? Still holding on to nothing? Denial?

Every one of my reactions in the last few weeks have surprised me. I do not feel like myself.

ibonnie posted 1/31/2019 07:37 AM

I really always thought that I would be the one to walk away if this ever happened. I was so sure of myself. Turns out, I had no idea. 
It's not so black and white.

So, so many of us can relate to this statement, so please know that you're not alone.

He feels like this situation is unfair because no one can see my "crimes" (being the worst wife ever  ) but his are in plain view, and that he will be seen as the bad guy. He says he hates what our marriage became.

What bullshit. Poor him. If things were so bad, he could have asked for marriage counseling, put more effort into your marriage and/or asked for a divorce. The answer to marriage troubles aren't found in someone else's pants.

Were you not in the same marriage? Did you manage to remain faithful? Don't listen to him trying to blame you. In fact, if you're working on 180ing, don't talk about this stuff at all. Come up with a fair proposal for divorce and your lawyers can handle it. If he doesn't like it, then maybe he can try stepping up to the plate and work on being a better human being and husband.

nekonamida posted 1/31/2019 07:54 AM

Sandbar, you sound exhausted. You sound devastated but not even angry. It makes complete sense to me that you're just going with the flow because you don't have the energy to deal with kids, WH, sugeries/chemo, AND make big decisions about your future. If you weren't dealing with so much right now, you would be righteously pissed off and demanding much more from your WH so no, you're not yourself right now and that's okay. Take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Make sure you are eating, drinking, and resting plenty. Your health right now matters more than your WH.

If you still want to dig for information - and I think that's perfectly fine and normal even if D is your future - get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and put it in his car or some place that you think he spends quite a bit of time in and could potentially reach out to the OW from. Even if he calls someone else and talks about her, it will reveal a lot to you.

Buster123 posted 1/31/2019 08:30 AM

I don't know. Fear? Hurt? Self-esteem? Still holding on to nothing? Denial?

I'm very sorry about your situation but based on what you posted your M is simply dead, your WH is not even remorseful and is protecting OW, get a VAR and put it under his car seat with some velcro, make sure you test it first, you may also get a GPS tracker and plant it there as well, you will have your answer very quickly, once you identify the AP, inform OBS (if any) immediately, nothing kills an A faster than full exposure with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse), you also need to take control and get on the driver's seat, file for D and have him served at work without warning for maximum impact, push him over the fence, don't be surprised if he comes back begging for a second chance but don't expect it either, if he does don't stop the D process until he ends his A, shows true remorse and commits to NC FOREVER with OW which means one of them has to quit the job. Again take control of the situation and file, if D papers and full exposure don't shock him back to reality, nothing will but either way you get out of infidelity and focus on your health, you deserve much better.

pureheartkit posted 1/31/2019 08:59 AM

Sweet sandbar

What you need is support and loving arms around you and instead you struggle alone. You know you are strong. This man is a burden not a helper. You can feel love for the past, be grateful for things he did for you. A true partner lifts us up, goes on a healing journey with us. Adding to your stress in a time of need shows a weak and selfish character. Are you waiting for him to change and begin being loving and supportive?

Of course we all want that from our partners. He is telling you many times now he does not want that role. You are holding the horses tail. He wants to break free. I don't know is saying I don't want and I don't care. That's not the healing partner you need.

Start on your future goals. Maybe he wakes up and chooses you but it looks dim from what he's said so far. Your sadness is great and so many of us want to hold on to whatever bit remains rather than have nothing. But you will not have nothing. You are strong. You have your children. You can have a person who fully stands with you, lifts you up and cheers your strength. Let go of the horses tail and let him run free. Will he come back and be a man of gratitude and kindness? You will find out.

Don't concern yourself with his blaming. You were awful, made the marriage a bad situation, you this, you that. Don't keep those words in your mind. Let them go when you let go. They were never true. He uses them to justify his flight and selfish actions. Lies to justify hurtful behaviour.

I don't know what his future is. But yours can be bright. You are strong and you can build your health again. This stress is at opposition to your healing. Make a decision to be fully behind healing, body and mind and do not accept the words of a liar who has decided on a destructive path for his life.

He had so much treasure but for some reason he throws it away and seeks destruction with a woman who chooses the same. If he was there saying help me back to goodness, I want to help you back to health, maybe you could look at it. He has failed you when he ought to have been helping you rise up. The OW knows you are fighting cancer and does not feel any disgust about her actions that cause her to reject her involvement.

I think you cannot rely on them to do the right thing. Do those things that are healing to yourself. Protect your finances and children and gain peace of mind. Do not accept less than what is right. He will say this and that out of selfish desire to benefit himself. Ignore it. You need not listen to someone on a path of destruction. You are on a path of growth.

((((((((((Sandbar))))))))))))))

Every day is a blessing. Find your light and shine.

1Faith posted 1/31/2019 11:16 AM

He is trying to decide if he wants to continue with the divorce or not.

Well, isn't that sweet of him????

Sandbar, time to find your bitch boots and lace those babies up tight.

You get to define what you will and will not tolerate. His lying, self righteous attitude hopefully isn't something that is on the tolerate list.

He feels like this situation is unfair because no one can see my "crimes"

Unfair? Really, he has the audacity to use unfair with you?

Was it fair you were diagnosed with cancer? Was it fair that your WH chose to lie and cheat while you were in treatment? Unfair?!?!?

Poor little Prince Asshat doesn't want to take accountability for his actions, own them and or be judged for them. He is a coward.

Dig in deep. Get your finances in order, know what your rights are, see your attorney again and stop engaging in his passive aggressive mind games. He is doing his damndest to justify his horrid actions and behavior.

Yes, you are responsible for 50% of the marriage but you are responsible for 0% of the affair.
There are many other ways to address marriage problems vs. having an affair(s).

We know you are hurting and I am sorry for that. It is not easy but you can not R or save this marriage on your own. He should be doing the heavy lifting not you.

Big hugs and know we are here rooting you on.

(((prayers)))


[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:23 PM, January 31st (Thursday)]

Lalagirl posted 1/31/2019 12:23 PM

Everything 1Faith said...great post! (god I wish I knew how to post that video with the slow, steady clapping)

((((sandbar))))

Gently sweetie, you got sick and things got tough what did your husband do? Wimped out, became a p-word.

He can't stand adversity and he runs to what he thinks is happiness and easy.

Again, as gently as I can...he is making you sicker...weakening your immune system with stress! And his playing this back and forth D game...it's all about him.

File. Find friends & family who have your back and who love you.

Sending strength, healing vibes and huge hugs...

Lala

Lalagirl posted 1/31/2019 12:25 PM

Oh, the insurance...you can negotiate terms so you continue to have it - and he has to continue to pay for it.

sandbar posted 1/31/2019 13:37 PM

Sandbar, you sound exhausted. You sound devastated but not even angry.

Exactly. When does the anger come? I've been waiting for weeks.

sandbar posted 1/31/2019 13:39 PM

Thank you for all of your support and encouraging words.
I need to hear this. I am not myself. I want myself back. I keep waiting for her to show up.

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