SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

user998877 posted 1/18/2019 10:28 AM

I

[This message edited by user998877 at 10:53 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]

northeasternarea posted 1/18/2019 10:46 AM

Just want you to know that you have been heard. Focus on you and your baby. This isn't your fault. Yes, you will survive with or without him.

sisoon posted 1/18/2019 11:08 AM

A number of members - a large number, IMO - have been cheated on while pregnant, and I'm share one will be along soon to share their experience.

I just want to add that you can survive this and thrive, with or without your H, as n.e.area says.

I, too, urge you to focus on your own healing and on taking care of yourself, both for you and for your baby. No drugs, alas, lots of water, exercise, healthy food and sleep, if you can.

You're probably filled with anger, grief, and fear. You can survive. Find a good IC if that makes sense to you.

You'll probably feel some shame, too - just remember (again, as n.e.area says) that your H cheated because of his own issues, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

Have faith in yourself - you can most definitely survive and thrive.

If you like to read, here are some threads you may find useful:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp - if this resonates with you, I suggest printing it off and giving the printout to your H as 'something you found on the web.' My reco: DO NOT tell your H about SI until you're sure he's on board for R.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740&HL=14993 - serjr threads for newbies
Tactical Primer:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Boundaries and Consequences 101:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Setting Healthy Boundaries:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

Before You Say Reconcile:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

The Simplified 180:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080

20/20 Hindsight: What I Wish I'd Done:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=161389

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:10 AM, January 18th (Friday)]

Marie2792 posted 1/18/2019 11:13 AM

Taking care of yourself and your baby is your only responsibility now. He has had an EA at the very least bordering on a PA with a kiss if that’s all there is which I doubt.

Yes she is relocating now but if it wasn’t her it could very well have been someone else. He needs to get into therapy to figure out how this happened and prevent it again. He won’t be a safe partner for you until he figures it his issues.

Talk to your doctor about the stress and get STD tested because you can’t be sure that he’s telling the truth.

Stevesn posted 1/18/2019 11:20 AM

Is next week the last week at work?

If he cares about making you feel safe he should take the week off or work from home.

I’m sorry for your pain.

Wool94 posted 1/18/2019 11:42 AM

I'm praying for you and your baby.

user998877 posted 1/18/2019 12:24 PM

[This message edited by user998877 at 10:53 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]

lieshurt posted 1/18/2019 13:31 PM

User998877,
I'm so sorry you have been betrayed. Definitely focus on taking care of you and your baby. Also, please check out the Healing Library here. There is a lot of useful information there.

He is very remorseful.

I'm sorry hun, but right now you can't really say he's remorseful. He lied to you and continued to do so even when caught. He continued to betray you knowing the pain you were in. That isn't remorse. Keep watching his actions to see if he's truly remorseful. Moping, crying, etc...are not signs of remorse.

As far as couple's counseling, I believe it's too soon for that. A couple's counselor focuses on fixing the marriage. Your marriage isn't the problem. The problem is your Wayward Husband (WH)He needs to see an individual counselor who specializes in infidelity to get to the root of his issues and fix them. You may need your own IC as well to help you deal with everything.

As far as being tested for STDs. Testing must occur more than once for both of you. There's the first test, then 3 months later a second test, and then 6 months after that another round of testing. Also, men cannot be tested for HPV. He could have it and expose you to it, so be sure to use condoms if you have sex.

Also, if the Other Woman (OW) is married, then her spouse needs to be told about the affair. Other than it being the right thing to do, it also helps to stop the affair. Many times, when the other spouse isn't told, the affair goes underground and continues. If there are two sets of eyes watching them, then it's more difficult for them to do that.

PricklePatch posted 1/18/2019 13:43 PM

User,

I would suggest looking in the healing library. The link to the healing library is in the yellow box to the left.

Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass is very good for both of you to read.

Please drink plenty of water and try and eat.

allusions posted 1/18/2019 13:47 PM

The exchange of 'I love you' and then only a couple of kisses? It's very likely more than that. Much more. When cheaters are caught they lie and minimize what actually happened. They usually only admit to the barest minimum they can, based on what the spouse has found out. You never did get to see those texts, did you?

Have you checked your phone records to see how many texts they've been exchanging? Credit card and bank statements? Email accounts?

Absolutely get yourself checked for STDs. It's especially important because you are pregnant.

user998877 posted 1/18/2019 13:53 PM

[This message edited by user998877 at 10:53 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]

lieshurt posted 1/18/2019 14:15 PM

There is software out there that you can use to recover deleted messages. Look into it. Also, you might also consider a polygraph to find out if he's lying about them having sex. Not all people believe in them, but I do think they are a useful tool to get the truth.

ItsNotMe posted 1/18/2019 14:57 PM

I know I am just restating some of the other advice you have gotten..

Your real concern isn't that she is leaving. The bigger concern should be why it happened. He is broken somewhere and needs IC to figure out why he allowed himself to be in this situation and develop tools to set boundaries so it won't happen again. If he doesn't figure out his why, then its just a matter of time until it happens again. Her leaving is just convenient. She is just a symptom of the real problem. Why did he let this happen? Why did he make the choices he made? How will he set the boundaries the next time so he will protect his marriage instead of risking it. He has work to do, and it is all on him.

Your work is to be able to deal with the situation, to heal, and to protect yourself and you family. Take care of yourself! You need to stay healthy.

Cooley2here posted 1/18/2019 15:06 PM

My question is if they never had sex why is he agreeing to the tests? Very fishy.

Atg100 posted 1/18/2019 15:21 PM

User998877

You asked about the well-being of the unborn child.
Keep up your healthy nutrition, try and get enough sleep and the baby will be fine.
Unborn babies sleep independent of you and do that almost all day. Whilst you were dealing with your husband's infidelity, your baby was most likely asleep.

The severe emotional stress you are experiencing can only affect the baby, if you don't eat enough, drink alcohol to deal with the pain or neglect your physical well-being in any other way.

The last thing you need right now, is the extra concern, that every negative emotion you feel is worse, because it may affect the baby.
There is no evidence that it does. There are no negative emotions which can enter the baby's mind and affect it' growth in utero negatively.
Of course as a young mother, you read that you should play the baby Mozart and have a positive mindset. But many (all?) of those claims are unfounded and often the people who make them want to sell you something. ( I bought a Mozart for babies CD for my wife at the time...)
Take your own physical and mental health very seriously, heal and focus on yourself.
The baby will be fine.

Karma already got your husband.
The birth of a child is an opportunity for a man to grow and become a father.
He missed this opportunity, and it will not come back.
You however, will be an awesome mother!

GrayShades posted 1/18/2019 15:44 PM

I am so sorry that you're having to endure this, especially while pregnant. Sounds like you've gotten some great advice here. You mentioned that there's no record of any financial funny business. You might pay to run a credit check just to make sure. My WH had used a credit card that came with our home equity loan -- I didn't know about it. He used it to book airBnBs for them . He admitted that before I ran the credit check so the check didn't give me any additional information, but it did give me peace of mind.

Walkingthewire posted 1/18/2019 19:54 PM

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Especially pregnant. I had other stressors while I was pregnant and they did NST on me every week to make sure my son was ok. Stress can lead to lack of amniotic fluid so be sure to drink plenty of water and put your feet up when you can. Lack of amniotic fluid can lead to IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction)
The only things you are responsible for right now are you and baby. That’s it. This is his doing and now he needs to do what needs to be done.

At this point I have to guess he’s not remorseful. He’s upset he got caught. If he agrees to STD check I have to wonder why if it never got physical? Seems sketchy to me.

Atg100 posted 1/18/2019 20:42 PM

Walkingthewire:

The studies showing reduction in amniotic fluid due to acute maternal stress are outweighed by studies who show no effect. There are also studies showing counterbalance mechanisms, to ensure that the amount of fluid stays the same.
There are no new studies showing effect and the way by which maternal stress is measured, is not without criticism.

Yes - have a very good relationship with your health professional and follow his/her advice.
And if that means weekly ultrasounds so be it.

But there are no studies which show a statistically significant relationship such as :
The more maternal stress, the smaller the baby or the less amniotic fluid.
There is a longitudinal study which often gets quoted which shows an association between stress and low birth weight.
But in this study the stressed mothers were also the ones who were more likely to smoke throughout the pregnancy.

Summary :
Listen to your health care provider, but don't overthink it.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 8:43 PM, January 18th (Friday)]

The1stWife posted 1/19/2019 07:47 AM

You will get through this. Because you will soon be a mom.

Something kicks in when you are a mom and you do your best for your child. Your focus will be on the baby soon enough.

As we all know the first few months are sleep deprived and busy. But the joy definitely outweighs the hard times.

Same with infidelity. We all survive it. Whether you divorce or reconcile or don’t decide anything permanent right now - you will get through it.

Whether you can get through this with your husband depends on him. Is he doing everything he can to make amends. Is he transparent about his phone or electronic devices? Is he giving you access to all his apps and email accounts? Is he going to therapy?

Has he read the book “how to help your spouse heal” that will help him to understand and do the right things for you and your marriage?

And I hope you have support and counseling for you. And a good support team and network.

Oftencheatedon posted 1/19/2019 20:18 PM

A dear friend of mine had years of fertility issues. She finally got pregnant. A few months into her pregnancy her husband confessed that he was having an affair with his boss’s wife. They wanted to tell her so she could abort the child she’d worked years to conceive.

He eventually came back to the marriage to keep his parents from knowing the truth. But his daughter always hated him. And the marriage did not last. So sad.