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Just Starting To Deal

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paboy posted 1/21/2019 20:07 PM

He seems to want to keep you in the friend frame. As you move on, he wants to make it appear as 'look we're still friends', 'she's got over it','what I did was not that bad'.

Eventually you 'may' or 'may not' get to that stage, but currently you need to work through the trauma that he has put you through.

NC, IC, exercise, new hobbies, new outlet, may help.

Other things you could hairstyle/wardrobe, new vehicle, a trip overseas, new goals, new employment.

Perhaps looking at starting further studies.

You want your future more enhanced, and the past, a blur.

WifeInterrupted4 posted 1/23/2019 00:26 AM

Thank you for your responses to my latest update.

I'm so torn between staying the course and being a stronger person, versus being kind and compassionate. I know that he doesn't deserve any consideration from me due to everything that's happened. I really wish I could turn off the switch that wants fix/help him.

Intermittent reinforcement works precisely because our “rewards” (which could be anything from the fleeting normalcy of affection to a display of the abuser’s remorse) are given to us sporadically throughout the abuse cycle. This causes us to work harder to sustain the toxic relationship because we desperately want to go back to the “honeymoon phase” of the abuse cycle.

rbf1234 this is something I have been consistently experiencing but didn't realize it was such a normal part of the abuse cycle. I've made the mistake so many times in the past of feeding off of these little glimmers of hope, only to be crushed with disappointment afterward. I'll be reading more about this. I definitely don't want to fall for the same trap again.

And now that you are picking up the pieces of your self-esteem that he shattered in the first place, he realizes this and is using any and all his tricks to sabotage your healing by love-bombing you with the nice guy act that he knows will soften you up to him. Do you really want to have to start over on your healing the next time he does this?

Furious 1 as sad as it is, my sister and girlfriends have a longstanding joke that my WH as a radar on when I'm feeling stronger or happy. He always comes around. And sure enough, he does soften me up and the cycle begins. Eventually, I have to get it together and not fall for the same tricks. I now know his routine and have the facts. If I continue down a path with someone who has no respect for me or our marriage, I only have myself to blame.

Thanks fareast, PricklePatch, Cooley2here - you all have given me a lot to think about and motivate me to continue the course.


Tallgirl posted 1/25/2019 07:50 AM

WI4 you are doing great. You WH is 100% egocentric. His behaviour is like a spoiled teenager. If you go back it will be more of the same.

Live your life with passion and without him. It sounds that you are surrounded by good friends amd family. Stay strong. Your life is for you not him.

jlg05 posted 1/31/2019 15:48 PM

WI, I wouldn't go back to meet him. Tell him anything he needs to discuss can be handled by the lawyers.

Speaking of which, since YOU left the house, make sure you talk with your lawyer so that HE can't charge you with abandonment.

At least you don't have kids (IIRC) -- he just isn't worth it. You said you could forgive infidelity, but certainly NOT if it keeps happening again and again.

If you are not sure about meeting with him, go back and read your first couple of posts -- that should remind you why you shouldn't see him. He's just not worth it. He really ISN'T the man you thought you married.

WifeInterrupted4 posted 2/2/2019 15:47 PM

Paboy Thanks for suggesting practical things to do to help me get through the trauma. I've done some of them. I'm most excited about traveling this month and on my return, finding a new job. I deserve to enhance my life. Through my WH's actions, my life has felt very diminished.

He seems to want to keep you in the friend frame. As you move on, he wants to make it appear as 'look we're still friends', 'she's got over it','what I did was not that bad'.

This really hit home for me. Since we have been involved for so long, we grew up together and have shared the same friends for years. His family have openly told him they despise his actions and there has been a rift in my in-laws relationship with WH. They still check in with me and include me in their family. Perhaps periodically checking-in is WH's way of showing to be a "good guy" despite everything that's happened. It's impossible to decipher his exact motives, but needless to say they are selfish.

Thanks TallGirl. I have to keep moving forward. It's getting easier as more time goes by slowly but surely. But when the bad days hit or fond memories flood my sucks!

jlg05 I decided not even to respond to his email from 2 weeks ago let alone meeting up with him. Nothing he could say would incline me to hear him out - even if it were an apology or to explain myself. After reading countless threads I understand that this would just be more gaslighting or trying to minimize what he's done and cake eat. In regards to the house, I've already spoken to a lawyer and being charged with abandonment won't be an issue.

Bit of an update, my sister has been in contact with WH to let him know she would be there to install a video doorbell and start packing up larger items. He responded that "this (living separately) was just a temporary arrangement between him and (myself) until he gets his stuff together. Unless (I'm) planning for something he was unaware of?" He's shown to be delusional throughout all of this, it doesn't surprise me that in the end, he's still displaying the same behavior.

Krieger posted 2/2/2019 16:58 PM

You can forget about forgiveness as it is always built on the premise that the offender is contrite. He is not remorseful for his actions, but instead continues to lie to you and your family. He has through his actions show his desire to eat his cake and have it too. Your STBX husband has neither you or the OW's best interest at heart, only his own selfish desires.

You and I suffer from loving our partners and know what they are capable of being with our help. However, just like my ex, yours doesn't really desire to change and no matter what you do, you can't make him. Don't feel bad I failed miserably as well. You can only control you and that is where your efforts should be concentrated.

There are a few things you need to do:

1. You need to seek legal advice, if you have not already done so.
2. You need to guard your finances by opening your own account and putting assets there immediately.
3. Seek counseling to help you through the healing process.
4. Seek solace in family and friends and limit contact with ex to only those conversations necessary to finish your legal obligations.

Edie posted 2/2/2019 17:15 PM

If you ever feel yourself being hoovered by him (the jargon for the sucking the victim back in in the abuse cycle), remember that all that nice guy stuff is a mirage, look always behind the mask. A mirage, because you are thirsty for water, but it will fade, it’s only a temporary trick, an illusion.

Please, it’s important that you don’t get sucked back in having got out.

WifeInterrupted4 posted 2/20/2019 17:38 PM

It's been a while and just wanted to get some things off my chest since I no longer want to burden my family and friends with this rubbish. I find that when I bring up STBX's name, people become more heated than I am, or assume I want to resume the relationship (no).

I'm nearing the two month mark of no contact with WH. With each passing day, it's getting easier and easier living without him. However, I do realize I'm in a lala land of sorts since I'm staying temporarily with family until we sell our home. I'm nervous to broach the subject with him. I'm not scared of him but it's been so nice not to have to deal with his various personalities, I just want to ride this wave for as long as I can, as unrealistic as that is. I know his motivating factor of not wanting a divorce is because of the division of assets so I'm trying to postpone the blowup that will ensue.

WH's father calls me every two weeks to keep tabs on me and to give me updates on his son. I break out into a mad sweat every time I see his name on my caller ID. I love my in-laws but I'm not sure being in contact with them is good for my healing or if communicating with them misleads them into thinking there's hope for our marriage.
In law ended the conversation by asking if there has been any contact between WH and myself, I said not since his email (Jan 21) that I never responded to. He told me his son said he understands why I haven't responded and is respecting my space, adding that he wouldn't know what to say if we were in communication.

I want to add my two cents to this statement. He's finally respecting me by "respecting my space" and not reaching out. Wow, wish that respect could have presented itself during our marriage or at the very least during his affair. Secondly, if you truly wanted to fight for your marriage, wouldn't you do everything you could and not allow ONE unanswered email to deter you. I can't possibly understand what goes on his mind, but seeing as I have only seen ugly aspects of him as of late, I can only assume this is another manipulative tactic he's deployed to have his dad think he's a decent guy, when in reality he's just waiting out the clock for...something. In my experience of having been cheated on, I didn't even allow that to stop me from fighting. I didn't allow the 8 months emotional, psychological, or verbal abuse, the pain and suffering to stop me from fighting for our marriage.
What are your thoughts?

[This message edited by WifeInterrupted4 at 5:46 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)]

Notmine posted 2/20/2019 18:15 PM

My WH said they watched a movies, kissed, and then he allegedly stopped himself from going further. He admitted how on another occasion they stayed in the same hotel room for two nights but slept in separate beds and nothing happened.

It is just amazing how cheaters all follow the same patterns....minimize, lie, lie some more. They honestly think we will believe their bullshit. It is just incredible.

I am sorry you are here and sorry you are saddled with such an infant. Please find someone who deserves you. This man obviously doesn't.

Northerngal posted 2/20/2019 18:18 PM

He’s like water rolling down a mountain, always finding the easiest path. He will never do any of the heavy lifting. You are a fierce woman. Keep it up. He knows there are people who will do the work for him - dad, you, whomever. He fired you from that job, what a child he is. If you weren’t of any use to him, he’d be nc too.

GrayShades posted 2/20/2019 18:29 PM

Hi WI4,
I just read your thread, so thanks for the update. I'll start by saying that I'm reconciling with my WH, and I am generally sympathetic to R. If he had ever said anything to me like

"I wish I could be with the other woman." "You had this coming." "I have a list of reasons what I want in a woman, and you don't possess any of them."

those would have been the last words he'd ever said to me in person (other than Oh Shit! from whatever handy nearby heavy object I threw his way before leaving ). You are absolutely right to peg this as abusive, and I'm impressed by your strength in getting away from this situation.

That said, I don't think you should discuss anything with him, ever, at all, as you move forward. Hire a lawyer to represent you instead. Though he sounds more emotionally abusive than a physical risk, you do not need his toxicity anywhere near you. The fact that you're anxious just hearing from his dad speaks volumes. Please take care of yourself.

The1stWife posted 2/21/2019 07:13 AM

He’s a coward.

He would rather run away than face the situation and deal with it. He’s not “respecting your space”. He is off doing his own thing and enjoying the “separation”.

Good for you for seeing through his facade and fake persona.

I agree - taken from the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” where they say “if a guy wants to go out with you he will make it happen”. You are on the Money that he’s not making it happen and fighting for your marriage.

He’s either not interested or lazy or stupid. I’m not sure what it is - but the obvious signs are he’s doing nothing and doesn’t care to fight for you.

How sad!!!

Stevesn posted 2/21/2019 10:03 AM


This man will never be safe for you. It will take years of changed attitude and work to ever get to that point and I think you and we all know he has no intentions of even trying, let alone succeeding of becoming the man you need him to be in order to ever share a relationship with him again.

So at this point you don’t owe him anything.

And as others have said, you really shouldn’t need to ever communicate with him directly ever again.

TBH, at this point, I would “ghost” him, go complete NC and also send a good bye text to his parents and then block them as well.

As you said, if he truly wanted you he’d find a way to communicate, even if it meant sleeping on your door step each night until you agree to talk to him. And even then, that would only start the multi year journey thru R that I doubt he has the fortitude to make happen.

So work with your lawyer. Have them do all the communication, and get everything you deserve in D.

To me it’s your only path right now, and I’m an R kind of guy when there’s a truly remorseful WS in the equation. Right now there isn’t in your case, I’m sorry to say.

Continue your healing and find the path to the wonderful life you deserve.

Take care.

WifeInterrupted4 posted 2/28/2019 17:27 PM

Thanks Notmine for your kind words! It really is amazing the mind games they play just hoping they'll keep the charade going. Infant is definitely right!

Thanks Northerngal, such a great metaphor for how life with WH has been. I'm beyond tired doing the heavy lifting for the both of us.

GrayShades Loved hearing your take on what you would have done in my situation It's nice to finally be able to laugh about this situation. Thanks for your supportive words. I'm trying to be strong. One day at a time.

I agree - taken from the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” where they say “if a guy wants to go out with you he will make it happen”. You are on the Money that he’s not making it happen and fighting for your marriage.
The1stWife Right?! I was thinking of that same scene haha. I don't want to reduce my marriage to a rom-com, but I draw parallels with that quote. If you truly want something, you're going to make it happen. Words mean nothing at this point, it's all about actions.

This man will never be safe for you. It will take years of changed attitude and work to ever get to that point
Stevesn that's so funny that you should say that. My father-in-law called me today to see how I was, and during our conversation he had mentioned something similar. He said I need to consider if I want to devote the next few years alongside someone who will be working towards being a loyal, faithful, and trustworthy husband, while potentially struggling with trust for the foreseeable future. I don't want to live like that!

Quick update.
WH emailed me Monday saying he's been thinking about me a lot lately, wants to take me out on a real date and hopes I'll respond. I didn't respond.
This morning my sister informs me that WH called her at 430 am saying he was feeling desperate and wants to speak with me.
A few hours late I receive a long email from WH saying he's been having a hard time and is feeling desperate. He's been thinking about me a lot lately and knows I won't respond but he wants me to know how he feels. Says he's made serious mistakes and wants to put the effort in our marriage. How he wants to see me or at least hear my voice. He says he's really concerned about my physical and mental health because of the damage he has caused. He said that I am his responsibility and he is going to put in the effort. He doesn't like the person he is becoming in life and towards me. How he is never happy and lonely from the moment he awakes to the moment he goes to bed. He hopes I'll respond so we can talk.

I know that many of you agree that no contact should continue. The only thing I will say is I know what it's like to have someone literally step over me while I'm crying on the floor in anguish. I'd like to think one of my strongest qualities is empathy. I don't want to reach out and give him the illusion that our marriage stands a chance, and I know he fired me from "wife". However, just like I can sleep at night knowing I tried everything I could, I don't want my conscience keeping me awake because I responded without compassion (as warranted as it is). I have forgiven him and do not feel the rage and resentment I once felt. I pity him. The more time passes, the more I realize how emotionally/psychologically unwell he had to be to carry out his actions for such a long period of time. Although I can't understand his poor choices, I can't be like him and disregard someone I once cared about. I don't want to be his emotional crutch or any other term that means I sympathize with him. I'm lost.

Sidenote, I'm surprised his emails didn't inspire any sort of excitement or hope. The first few I read with little interest while the last one made me pity him. Is that progress or am I weak for having a heart?

[This message edited by WifeInterrupted4 at 7:56 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

Sunshine184 posted 2/28/2019 18:16 PM

You are amazing! You’ve grown so much! I don’t post often but your story speaks to me. You’ve worked so hard; taken so much abuse. He couldn’t have appreciated you. I really admire how you’re moving on, becoming more strong and independent AND starting the path of YOU!

WifeInterrupted4 posted 3/26/2019 14:32 PM

Please help!
I had a major set back these last few weeks. Rather than follow everyone’s sage advice and continue with no contact, I foolishly responded to my STBXH emails. I thought since it hadbeen nearly 3 months of no contact and he was saying all the right things, why not give him an opportunity to say what he wanted to say while at he same time having some of my questions answered. What softened me up the most was his plea to my sister to speak with me and the daily emails of how he missed me and wants to see me. Finally i allowed him to make arrangements to speak. First red flag was immediate - rather than give me a day and time he answered with a noncommittal “next week”. If I’m hounding my spouse and they finally respond, I feel like I’d have more of a plan.

What proceeded was a 6 and a half hour conversation. Much of it was how foolish he’s been, how I should disregard everything he’s ever said or did, and he wishes I was home. He said he’s willing to do whatever it takes to win me back even if it takes years. He wished he never talked to his AP and let it continue the way he did, how we got married for a reason and he feels terrible for the mental and physical strain this has put on me. He wanted to know where my head was at with us and how he didn’t realize he was capable of all of this. Sprinkle in some non essential dribble like the house, work, and family and that was the gist of our conversation.

Note to everyone out there, I recorded the conversation to listen to afterwards. I’m not sure about you, but I tend to only remember the positives or romantic parts of conversations with my ex versus the reality. It was a huge help to hear it back and hear the countless other red flags that arose. Such as when I asked him if he’s still talking to AP he said yes regarding work and just casual things. WRONG ANSWER. When I asked him if he finally told her he is married or told her he wants to work things out with his wife he said no. WRONG ANSWER. When I asked him if he is going to end the relationship with AP he said he’s fading her or and she can already tell the difference in their relationship. WRONG ANSWER. Other points worth mentioning that his resentment came to ahead the day of our 4th anniversary when he decorated our car with notes saying happy anniversary, 4 years etc. I guess I didn’t react the way he expected. There were other issues we had leading up that moment that culminated into him fading out of love for me. A forced move on his part that he thought I would just follow happily. When I didn’t with the attitude he expected and showed signs of resentment, rather than communicating his thoughts, he let them fester. When I left home back in January, he told me he tried to call, text, email. Since I didn’t respond and took all my belongings he thought we were over and pursued his relationship with AP even more. A month into their relationship I guess he began to miss me and amped up his efforts to reach out to me and here we are. I let him say his peace and told him I was not going to come home and would think about everything we had spoken about.

Two days after our lengthy exchange, I emailed him. To summarize, I stated I need time to be alone. I don’t know what the future holds, but I won’t even consider a future with him if he doesn’t cut off his relationship and tell her because he wantst to work things out with his wife, that surprise, he has. I don’t receive a response until two days later stating that he’s having a hard time with my email and that it sounds like I’m indifferent, with one foot out the door. That I have “millions” of clauses for him to abide by and that he would reach out after he’s had some time to think things over and decide what he wants to do. WRONG ANSWER. If I truly wanted to work things out with my spouse, it would have taken me no time to ponder over the requirements and do them immediately. I’ve never met a bigger cake eater. The nerve he has to put me through everything he has, finally have my attention, and this is the half ass commitment I get?

I ended up booking a flight two days later to a different continent with no return date. He sees through our joint visa that I’m away and resumes Operation Mess with Wife. The last two weeks have been conversations of him sending me photos of good times, telling me he misses me, and wants to take things slow while working on our marriage. Yesterday we had one of our last conversations. He told me he hasn’t been completely honest with me. That he’s been more attached to AP than he let on. (I knew how attached he was, it’s called women’s intuition and my FBI skills are amazing ) He said that it could take a long time if ever to resume the feelings of affection he had for me, and for his feelings for AP to end. Where he has deep feelings for her, he has peace of mind with me. I asked if he loved her, he responded with he’s not going to answer. He told me he was going to tell her about his true marital situation but knew it would crush him and her. I told him I want to know in detail what he said and that I want proof. He responded that our relationship has nothing to do with his and AP relationship and that I simple hadn’t to trust him. II nearly choked when he said that. We ended the conversation and I felt like a zombie the whole day. I was so mad at myself for letting myself feed on hope. It made me wonder if I had only been strong these last few months because I stupidly believed he missed me and our marriage. Only to find out he wants to do “the right thing” and I’m some consolation prize. After a few texts telling him how awful I think he is, I ended our conversation by telling him this situation will one day just be a story I tell my daughter to guard her heart against mean boys. No response.

Do you guys have advice for next steps?Words of wisdom for when one trips up after doing so well with NC. I want to feel strong whether or not my husband wants me.

NoMorDeceit posted 3/26/2019 15:10 PM

My words of wisdom:

Get out of the abuse cycle.

You are like an addict. Looking for the hit of dopamine from him. The reward. It is a horrific cycle to break, but you can do it.

You deserve so much better.

Get an attorney to file and let the attorney handle everything.

Block him and his family.

Please go read about narcissistic abuse.

He will try to hoover you forever. It will never mean anything. Delete, Block, No contact. For life.

It is a sick twisted game he's playing. It stops when you say it does.

Stevesn posted 3/26/2019 15:31 PM

I don’t think you are going to like this but my advice is the same as what I wrote above.

You should stop talking to this man. He is playing you and preying on your hopium. Cut off all communications. Block him from texting you, messaging you in any way. He has nothing to say of value to you.

I’m not sure if he knows where you live but if he does and you can move again without telling him, do so.

He is either playing a cruel game or wants his Cake and to eat it to with her and you.

I know what your heart says, but you have to listen to your mind instead right now. Block him every way you can, then work with a lawyer to have him served. Only let him communicate thru lawyers.

As I said before, I am pro-R, but not with this guy. You will only start to find happiness when you rid him from your life.

Take time to heal yourself thru IC and then find someone great to love you and love him back.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:31 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

Edie posted 3/26/2019 15:43 PM

I'd like to think one of my strongest qualities is empathy.

It is that he is exploiting. You are being extremely naive, Please get help for your codependency.

This is a man who said

"You had this coming." "I have a list of reasons what I want in a woman, and you don't possess any of them."

He said that it could take a long time if ever to resume the feelings of affection he had for me, and for his feelings for AP to end

There is severe narcissism and solipsism there, don't you see it?

I want to feel strong whether or not my husband wants me.

Complete NC. Refocus onto you and your life. recognise that you are a codependent target for abuse. Seek IC. Get busy. Join clubs, spend time with friends.

You can do this!

Edie posted 3/26/2019 15:43 PM


[This message edited by Edie at 2:05 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)]

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