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Just Starting To Deal

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WifeInterrupted4 posted 1/14/2019 16:15 PM

Hi everyone. I've been on this forum for quite some time unsure of how to write down my experience or if I even wanted to share. I've felt so much encouragement simply from reading people's comments for other postings, so any words of wisdom would be much appreciated!

Every day for the last 7 months feels like a new D Day as I continuously find out more to the story. If it were up to my WH, I never would have found out. To give you a bit of info, we have been married for 4 years, friends for 12. We have no children, a beautiful home, amazing family, and what I thought was a pretty great life.

My suspicions began in June, when we had traveled with my in-laws. We had recently celebrated our anniversary and my sister-in-law asked about the special night and how many years we were celebrating. My WH interrupted me and made some quip "we'll see if there's another one." For the rest of June he was m.i.a. Going to work early, coming home late, going out on weekends, all the while turning off his location form his iPhone. These were all red flags since they were all uncharacteristic behaviors. I'd ask if something was wrong or if he was stressed since this was his most successful year at work to date. Since I noticed him drifting from me I asked him if there was an issue regarding our relationship but he simply brushed it off as nothing. This happened for the whole month of June until going out on weekends turned into weekdays as well, and there was virtually no communication between us.

I finally cornered him at a family dinner and asked him if something was wrong. Due to the growing tension between us, I halfheartedly asked him he wanted a separation and he barked out that he was thinking about it. When we returned home, I went on his laptop and noticed he googled separation/divorce proceedings. I was floored to say the least. Obviously I knew we had a bad month but I couldn't pinpoint what started this all and how it escalated so quickly. We were best friends in every way. I couldn't understand the shift.

A few days later my WH left his apple watch at home and I was able to check his text messages. For months he had been messaging with a woman from work. Messages about meeting up, missing each other, and complimenting one another. What ensued has been more traumatic than finding out about the emotional affair. For the last 6 months, I have been told, "I love you I'm just confused." "I've been unhappy for the last year I just didn't say anything." "Please don't leave me, I'm so sorry." "I only want you here because you're my emotional crutch." "I wish I could be with the other woman." "You had this coming." "I have a list of reasons what I want in a woman, and you don't possess any of them."

Our pattern was I would make an effort at salvaging our marriage, the tension would be so thick that we would end up having a blow-up, then I would leave our home. There would be zero communication the first week, then by the second week he would call and message, and finally ask me to come home with promises of the many changes he would make. I would return home, experience 3 amazing days while the remainder of the week was pure hell. I spent a total of 2 months out of my home because of the constant ups and downs. In addition to 3 hospital visits because of panics attacks, dehydration, and abdominal issues due to stress. His concern must have been so great after one of my hospital visits since he proceeded to meet up with the OW

I finally blocked him and made an attempt to pick up the pieces of my shattered self-esteem. Well, what does he do since he can't get a hold of me? He messaged my mother asking for updates, messaged his father to contact me and ask to unblock me, and finally showed up at my work with a card he had written me. I didn't see how inappropriate those actions were at the time, and to be honest, I just wanted the person who broke me to put me together again. I jumped at the opportunity of being with him and promised myself, just one more chance. I spent the last 3 months in a tense state wondering what mood would he be when he arrived home from work, if he talked to the OW, how could I make him happy etc etc.

Behind my back, he continued talking to OW, went to the movies, dinners, disallowed me from going to the company holiday party, and while at a conference two cities over, he invited the OW to his hotel room. (Had I not accused him when he returned home shouting that I knew she was there, I don't believe he would have confessed.) My WH said they watched a movies, kissed, and then he allegedly stopped himself from going further. He admitted how on another occasion they stayed in the same hotel room for two nights but slept in separate beds and nothing happened. All the while he's confessing his sins, he's crying, on his knees clutching my waist begging me not to leave him. I couldn't understand. He made so many threats of wanting to leave and being unhappy, why would he want me to stay?

Cut to last week, he's reverted to being moody and unresponsive. Closing himself off in the guest room and leaving home whenever the mood struck him without a word to me. Obviously, I knew something was extremely wrong. When the opportunity presented itself, I went through his phone to confirm my suspicions. I saw that he messaged the OW a photo of a young girl in a puffy pink dress with the text, this is how I want my girl to dress. I was livid. For believing when he said he would make an effort with us, for when he said texts between him and the OW were unavoidable and ONLY work related, when he said he didn't do anything wrong. I cancelled my flight for the trip he had planned for us the following day, packed my things and left. He messaged me every day (all nonsense) but this time I didn't respond. AND yes, you heard correctly, he still went on the trip. While he was on the plane returning home, I took that opportunity to email the other woman. No shock, I haven't heard back from her.

I have experienced so much, but the strongest feeling is utter disappointment in myself. Writing my experience down casts a spotlight on all the warning signs, mistreatment, and abuse I ignored and endured all in the hopes of saving my marriage and my best friend. I also wrestle with the idea that he never was going to tell me about his A. He was just going to leave me without any explanation, that I wasn't worth one. In addition to being unable to express his issues during our marriage and properly communicate to find a resolution, he wasn't going to give me the decency of being honest in the end. At the very least, I can sleep at night knowing I tried. I'm leaving many awful details out, but I wanted to give you all a glimpse into what life has been like these last 7 months.

[This message edited by WifeInterrupted4 at 12:19 AM, January 18th (Friday)]

jlg05 posted 1/14/2019 16:23 PM

You've tried and gone above and beyond. You should kick HIM out of the house, expose this affair to your/his family and friends, and if this woman has a husband/bf, to them also.

He WILL NOT change this -- he is in the affair fog -- get out while he is. Get to a lawyer and get your finances/plan in order, and then execute it. Do not let him dissuade you this time -- it isn't going to stop.

VERY sorry you are going through this.

Tallgirl posted 1/14/2019 17:08 PM

I am so sorry you are dealing with such a confusing and frankly abusive situation and WH. I am impressed that you sound so grounded. W14 - do you really think this man can make you happy? What you describe does not sound like a friendship or a marriage. When a spouse treats the person they promised to love and cherish like trash, there is serious a problem. His behavior is utterly selfish. Can you envision living with this situation for another 30 years?

There is no sense in beating yourself up for wanting a happy marriage, but now that you recognize that this isn't a good marriage, you can decide what you want to do.

Do you want this to happen for the rest of your life? Has he proven he can change (doesn't sound like it but I don't know your entire story). If the answers to these questions are No, I think you should do what is best for you - his behavior isn't changing.

I am sorry you are here. Take care of yourself. ((Hugs))

WifeInterrupted4 posted 1/14/2019 17:27 PM

Really appreciate the feedback.
I was skeptical about coming onto this forum but I'm already so glad I did.

I really did try. Truth is, I could potentially forgive cheating. However, the lying, gaslighting, and emotional abuse got to be too much. I didn't want to fail and lose the person I married. However, my WH is a stranger to me. Even his family are repulsed by his actions.

I have set up appointments with lawyers to protect myself. The lastest is my WH telling me he doesn't want a divorce because I don't deserve half of everything.

To answer TallGirl, I know he cannot make me happy. I gave it so many attempts because I loved a person who no longer exists, and I didn't want to quit when things got difficult. It's clear though that he took my forgiveness and loyalty for granted. I didn't realize he was capable of all of this. I don't know why he couldn't just leave to begin with rather than toy with my emotions for so long. He's proven that he can't change and that he's weak. With temptation just outside his office door, rather than working on our marriage he jumped at the opportunity to be with the OW. Fortunately, I'm with supportive family and have no contact with WH. When you deal with so much emotional abuse and become so broken, eventually you have to pick up the pieces and move forward.

Booyah posted 1/14/2019 19:04 PM

Wow what a roller coaster he's put you on, and from your latest post it sounds like you want off this crazy ass ride and rightfully so.

I'm sure you've heard the phrase "when someone shows you who they truly are believe them". Well he's definitely shown you that a life with him would be hell. You'd always be looking over your shoulder and having to play detective 24/7. W4 that's no way to go through life.

This guy can't give you what he can't even give himself and that's honesty and love. He's obviously VERY broken and unfortunately you can't fix him.

Marriage is EXTREMELY tough and in order for a relationship to work it takes not one but TWO ADULTS who are committed to each other and pushing all their chips in. Sounds like you've done that but it looks like you've married a boy and not a man.

W4 the goal is to get out of infidelity. The decision is yours (obviously) on where you want this to go ( R or D). In my opinion life is too damn short to put up with this nonsense. Thank god you don't have kids in the equation.

Do you want to have kids?

It's one thing to wait around to see if your cheating ass spouse can stop lying to you and getting to a point where you don't feel like every word coming out of their mouth is a lie and it's another thing to hope that your husband GROWS THE FUCK UP and eventually exudes the traits of a man.

Do you want to invest precious days, months and years HOPING that he can grow the F up?

Based upon what you've shared he isn't worth investing another tear over let alone another day (but that's your decision and ONLY your decision).

You hit it right on the nose when you said he's "weak"!!!

We get one shot at this thing called life and our self worth has to come from within and if someone shows us time and time again by their actions that they don't respect us or value us and can't be truthful with us nor make us happy it's time to cut them loose and go in another direction.

Sorry you're going through this W4 and that you've had to experience such cruelty (especially from someone who's supposed to cherish you and love you).

There's NO DOUBT you can look in the mirror and know deep within your soul that you TRULY tried to make this relationship work.

Glad you found SI. You'll receive incredible wisdom here to help you along your journey moving forward.

Hang in there!!

pureheartkit posted 1/14/2019 19:48 PM

You are strong. You are also compassionate. There comes a time when we have to find peace and healing and move toward a life that's rewarding.

Words are nothing to him. They are just tools to get him what he wants. Your happiness is not important to him. This is not right in a marriage. Your life is more precious than his games and false promises. It's not fair to you to put you under stress again and again. You deserve better. Your life could be amazing.

What's sad is

He's more interested in a pink dress than finding out why he's on a path of destruction.

Live your life and shine.

Coreofsteel posted 1/14/2019 21:20 PM

Hell no. You don't deserve that. You're signing up for a lifetime of his infidelity and possible exposure to STI's. You don't have kids, and honestly I'd get the hell out.

The1stWife posted 1/15/2019 06:09 AM

Wifeinterrupted4

At the very least, I can sleep at night knowing I tried.

This says it all. If you D him you can say that you gave it your best and walk away with a clear conscience (sad to say).

Sorry your H wasn’t willing to put forth the same effort.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:10 AM, January 15th (Tuesday)]

IslandGirl4418 posted 1/15/2019 08:43 AM

He sounds like a mean SOB and somewhat emotionally unstable. After everything he's put you through he is the one who needs to leave the house. You gave him more than enough chances. People can be so cruel but its time for you to say "no more". I hope you are close to reaching that point. Everyone moves at their own pace. I wish you the best.

Furious1 posted 1/15/2019 19:24 PM

(((((((((((((WifeInterrupted4))))))))))

I am so sorry that your WH has put you through so much. I hope your attorney has good news for you.

F1

Tallgirl posted 1/17/2019 17:05 PM

WI4, it sounds like you know where you are going - that's good to hear. I am so sorry that you are going through this, we know how painful it is. Now is the time to focus on how you will move forward, you are your most important person.

My suggestion is to take a break from all this stuff every once in a while, it will help you be grounded, this can be all consuming.

((((big hug WI4)))

annb posted 1/17/2019 17:28 PM

Hi, welcome to SI.

You made a very wise decision getting out of the marriage. Your husband is an abuser, a cake eater, and a master manipulator.

The best thing you can do now is focus on you. Lean on your family and friends. Listen to your attorney.

This guy doesn't deserve you. He toyed with your emotions for months, please don't ever look back. Find a good counselor to help you process the nightmare this jerk has put you through, and also help you put one foot in front of the other into a new life with a man who is faithful.

A huge hug...

WifeInterrupted4 posted 1/17/2019 17:59 PM

Thanks everyone for your kind words. This has been such a lifeline.

Do you want to invest precious days, months and years HOPING that he can grow the F up?

I was thinking about this a lot because for the last 7 months that's what I've been doing - investing energy and time to work on things because there's a lot of love on my part, and for our shared past. However, I can't work on this marriage alone and work on loving and trusting someone who is not interested in changing.

You made a very wise decision getting out of the marriage. Your husband is an abuser, a cake eater, and a master manipulator.

I think it's hard to gain perspective when you're faced and living with your abuser day in and day out. It's easy to get decensitized or worse, begin to feel that you deserve what's happening. I also had the habit of romanticizing the nice things he did on "good days" and hope for more of those moments. Once I decided to walk away (after many, many failed attempts) I began to see more clearly how destructive and wrong my situation was.

Thanks for all the love and support. Today was a good day :)

Walkingthewire posted 1/18/2019 19:27 PM

WI4, I’m so glad today was a good day. Here’s to hopefully many more. 🥂

WifeInterrupted4 posted 1/21/2019 18:53 PM

Hi SI fam,

Not sure if I should be writing on here or go to a different thread.
WH just emailed me. As he has been blocked for the last two weeks, he resorted to emailing me.
He mentioned how he's tried to contact my but he assumes he's blocked and understands why. He asked how I'm doing and hoping that I'm ok despite everything that has happened. He asked about my family, gave me a rundown on how the house is - that he's keeping it clean, how he's cooking for himself now etc. He thinks we should be in contact intermittently, and would like to meet up this week if I feel up to it.

I feel stronger everyday with no contact, and it has been a nice change not having to deal with the silent treatment, slamming doors, and overall resentment. With that said, there are the moments where I miss our previous life together. Any words of advice?

rbf1234 posted 1/21/2019 19:09 PM

You might find it helpful to google "intermittent reward" and "abuse". Emotionally abuse partners use this as a manipulation tactic. Here is one explanation:

Abuse and Intermittent Reinforcement

There is almost always intermittent reinforcement at work in a relationship with a malignant narcissist or manipulator because abuse is usually mixed in with periodic affection at unpredictable moments. Intermittent reinforcement works precisely because our “rewards” (which could be anything from the fleeting normalcy of affection to a display of the abuser’s remorse) are given to us sporadically throughout the abuse cycle. This causes us to work harder to sustain the toxic relationship because we desperately want to go back to the “honeymoon phase” of the abuse cycle.

Intermittent reinforcement along with the effects of trauma ensure that we become “addicted” to the hope of reaping our “reward” despite evidence that we’re risking our own safety and well-being.

fareast posted 1/21/2019 19:31 PM

WI4:

I think rbf1234 has referenced the right advice in this situation. Your WH has put you through so much emotional abuse, back and forth, yo-yo-ing between being the loving WH and a total cheating Asswipe. This just looks like a continuation of his pattern of behavior to this outsider. You are doing well in detaching, and going no contact has allowed you to get some perspective. What has he done to change? Nothing. Just words. My words of advice: stay the course.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:59 PM, January 21st (Monday)]

Furious1 posted 1/21/2019 19:31 PM

It sounds like he is trying to nice you back into the fold. Just remember that if you choose to accept his token gestures of kindness, it comes at the expense of the abuse and mistreatment that he has been putting you through leading up to this moment. It is your life to do with as you choose though and you are the only person most qualified to make decisions about your life.

Me personally, I'm so not impressed that he is keeping the house clean or cooking for himself. As an adult, that's his responsibility to begin with.

I finally blocked him and made an attempt to pick up the pieces of my shattered self-esteem.

And now that you are picking up the pieces of your self-esteem that he shattered in the first place, he realizes this and is using any and all his tricks to sabotage your healing by love-bombing you with the nice guy act that he knows will soften you up to him. Do you really want to have to start over on your healing the next time he does this?

F1

PricklePatch posted 1/21/2019 19:47 PM

If he can keep in contact he can redeem himself with others.
Turning it into an amicable divorce might help him with his family.

Keep to No contact.

Cooley2here posted 1/21/2019 19:51 PM

WI, I am sure you know about the test run on rats in a lab. Each rat was allowed to accidentally hit a button and a pellet of food was released. The first one was rewarded each time it hit the button. The second rat never got another pellet so it stopped trying after a while. The third rat got random food and never knew when or if. It lost its mind. That is what intermittent reinforcement does to people. Healthy relationships have reciprocity. I give, you get, you give, I get. Anything else is toxic.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:00 PM, January 21st (Monday)]

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