Hi everyone. I've been on this forum for quite some time unsure of how to write down my experience or if I even wanted to share. I've felt so much encouragement simply from reading people's comments for other postings, so any words of wisdom would be much appreciated!
Every day for the last 7 months feels like a new D Day as I continuously find out more to the story. If it were up to my WH, I never would have found out. To give you a bit of info, we have been married for 4 years, friends for 12. We have no children, a beautiful home, amazing family, and what I thought was a pretty great life.
My suspicions began in June, when we had traveled with my in-laws. We had recently celebrated our anniversary and my sister-in-law asked about the special night and how many years we were celebrating. My WH interrupted me and made some quip "we'll see if there's another one." For the rest of June he was m.i.a. Going to work early, coming home late, going out on weekends, all the while turning off his location form his iPhone. These were all red flags since they were all uncharacteristic behaviors. I'd ask if something was wrong or if he was stressed since this was his most successful year at work to date. Since I noticed him drifting from me I asked him if there was an issue regarding our relationship but he simply brushed it off as nothing. This happened for the whole month of June until going out on weekends turned into weekdays as well, and there was virtually no communication between us.
I finally cornered him at a family dinner and asked him if something was wrong. Due to the growing tension between us, I halfheartedly asked him he wanted a separation and he barked out that he was thinking about it. When we returned home, I went on his laptop and noticed he googled separation/divorce proceedings. I was floored to say the least. Obviously I knew we had a bad month but I couldn't pinpoint what started this all and how it escalated so quickly. We were best friends in every way. I couldn't understand the shift.
A few days later my WH left his apple watch at home and I was able to check his text messages. For months he had been messaging with a woman from work. Messages about meeting up, missing each other, and complimenting one another. What ensued has been more traumatic than finding out about the emotional affair. For the last 6 months, I have been told, "I love you I'm just confused." "I've been unhappy for the last year I just didn't say anything." "Please don't leave me, I'm so sorry." "I only want you here because you're my emotional crutch." "I wish I could be with the other woman." "You had this coming." "I have a list of reasons what I want in a woman, and you don't possess any of them."
Our pattern was I would make an effort at salvaging our marriage, the tension would be so thick that we would end up having a blow-up, then I would leave our home. There would be zero communication the first week, then by the second week he would call and message, and finally ask me to come home with promises of the many changes he would make. I would return home, experience 3 amazing days while the remainder of the week was pure hell. I spent a total of 2 months out of my home because of the constant ups and downs. In addition to 3 hospital visits because of panics attacks, dehydration, and abdominal issues due to stress. His concern must have been so great after one of my hospital visits since he proceeded to meet up with the OW
I finally blocked him and made an attempt to pick up the pieces of my shattered self-esteem. Well, what does he do since he can't get a hold of me? He messaged my mother asking for updates, messaged his father to contact me and ask to unblock me, and finally showed up at my work with a card he had written me. I didn't see how inappropriate those actions were at the time, and to be honest, I just wanted the person who broke me to put me together again. I jumped at the opportunity of being with him and promised myself, just one more chance. I spent the last 3 months in a tense state wondering what mood would he be when he arrived home from work, if he talked to the OW, how could I make him happy etc etc.
Behind my back, he continued talking to OW, went to the movies, dinners, disallowed me from going to the company holiday party, and while at a conference two cities over, he invited the OW to his hotel room. (Had I not accused him when he returned home shouting that I knew she was there, I don't believe he would have confessed.) My WH said they watched a movies, kissed, and then he allegedly stopped himself from going further. He admitted how on another occasion they stayed in the same hotel room for two nights but slept in separate beds and nothing happened.
All the while he's confessing his sins, he's crying, on his knees clutching my waist begging me not to leave him. I couldn't understand. He made so many threats of wanting to leave and being unhappy, why would he want me to stay?
Cut to last week, he's reverted to being moody and unresponsive. Closing himself off in the guest room and leaving home whenever the mood struck him without a word to me. Obviously, I knew something was extremely wrong. When the opportunity presented itself, I went through his phone to confirm my suspicions. I saw that he messaged the OW a photo of a young girl in a puffy pink dress with the text, this is how I want my girl to dress. I was livid. For believing when he said he would make an effort with us, for when he said texts between him and the OW were unavoidable and ONLY work related, when he said he didn't do anything wrong. I cancelled my flight for the trip he had planned for us the following day, packed my things and left. He messaged me every day (all nonsense) but this time I didn't respond. AND yes, you heard correctly, he still went on the trip. While he was on the plane returning home, I took that opportunity to email the other woman. No shock, I haven't heard back from her.
I have experienced so much, but the strongest feeling is utter disappointment in myself. Writing my experience down casts a spotlight on all the warning signs, mistreatment, and abuse I ignored and endured all in the hopes of saving my marriage and my best friend. I also wrestle with the idea that he never was going to tell me about his A. He was just going to leave me without any explanation, that I wasn't worth one. In addition to being unable to express his issues during our marriage and properly communicate to find a resolution, he wasn't going to give me the decency of being honest in the end. At the very least, I can sleep at night knowing I tried. I'm leaving many awful details out, but I wanted to give you all a glimpse into what life has been like these last 7 months.
[This message edited by WifeInterrupted4 at 12:19 AM, January 18th (Friday)]