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Being played. Paralyzed.

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Odonna posted 7/10/2019 19:11 PM

Hey Speedy!

How are you doing? Are you making that turn into fabulousness?

Neanderthal posted 8/13/2019 14:45 PM


You are just Forking Awesome. I've read through your terrible ordeal. You are one tough cookie. Thank you for sharing. As a new BS, knowing im not alone in this infidelity world is weirdly comforting.

Again thank you.

SpeedBump posted 8/17/2019 02:26 AM

Neanderthal - thank you for your note, even while it means we are only connected through our misery. I'm certainly no shining example of wading through this horrible mess. I am clearly an example of "flight" in the "fight or flight" question, and the reason I have stepped away to calm my mind, and my life, as I navigate these turbulent times.

I am not so easily able to compartmentalize what I experience, read and hear and things impact me deeply. I don't know if that's good or bad but I realized any negative energy (whether real or perceived on my part) I was experiencing as a result of my interactions with SI were holding me back from my healing journey. I had to step away.

Here is where I was/am wrong. I put no weight in the value all the positive interactions, advice and support were providing to me. I did quite the opposite of what is constantly coached here, "take what resonates and leave the rest." I allowed the negative to impact me in ways it should not have and decided to hide from it.

All this to say...don't be like me. Soak up the wisdom here and decide what best applies to you for your own journey. Truly let the things that impact you negatively roll off you and focus at all the important advice that does ring well for you and go forward with that.

I will take this one step further though and advise that if/when you might be stronger, go back and read everything and especially those items that bothered you. It is astounding the wisdom those "negative" comments can also bring under a new lens.

For all the SI'ers who have reached out and held my hand, I owe you an update. The road is, incredibly, just over 9 months long now. It's really not any easier though it feels like I have more clarity.

At this stage, my view is we aren't gonna make it, at least not as a married couple. I can't reconcile the injustice of it all, even if I can see evidence of his truly remorseful side and wanting to fix things at all costs. I realize it sounds/feels very sanitized and even cold but you all know the agonizing process I have been going through to get to where I am today. I have heard it called Plain of Lethal Flatness but to me it is acceptance. Having acceptance that I can't foresee staying in this marriage, it has helped me find some peace. I can take a deep, cleansing breath and carry on now.

Through a set of unforeseen circumstances, we moved back in together for a pre-determined amount of time because it took much longer for me to close on an apt I purchased than I had anticipated. My huge mistake, but I came into an urgent case of needing a place to stay and he offered and was able to bump up the size of his apartment to accommodate me so I wouldn't have to get into a lease. In the end, our time together has offered a measure of healing and allowed us to find footing for creating a new friends...for us. He understands that I can't and won't commit to a future for us and so he continues to work on being a decent version of himself. I won't say a "best version of himself" because he has a long way to go to work through his shame before he does that. He still wants an "us as a married couple" but I don't agree.

So, we are no more than 'friends' with a deep history who are wobbling to find a sense of normalcy in this weird, weird situation. I have committed to myself to keep working on myself and healing my self-esteem. And for sure I will constantly keep working to find my inner bad ass. She peeks her head out every now and then but is mostly still hiding.

Good news is that we did sell our house and didn't take a loss (also made no gains) so we can close that chapter once and for all. Good riddance.

So the best I can say is I'm "wobbling on" but at least I'm "wobbling in forward motion."

sassylee posted 8/17/2019 03:44 AM

Good for you SB. Keep moving forward!

ShutterHappy posted 8/17/2019 05:42 AM

I can't foresee staying in this marriage

You are on your way out of infidelity. You have been on your way out for a long time. You will be just fine, it’s a promise

The1stWife posted 8/17/2019 06:26 AM

I like that you have some clarity about your future and a direction. It’s giid to have the “us” decision resolved. No more second guessing and “what if” mind tricks for you.

I hope you find peace. You have been through a trauma and horrible ordeal.

Wishing the best and much happiness in your future. And thanks for the update.

steadychevy posted 8/17/2019 07:09 AM

Thank you for your update, SpeedBump. I often wonder what's going on with people whose threads I posted on that have faded away. You are moving forward in a way that is best for you.

M1965 posted 8/17/2019 07:11 AM


I am glad for the update, because I often wonder how you are doing. You captured the hearts of a lot of people here!

In the end, our time together has offered a measure of healing and allowed us to find footing for creating a new friends...for us.

I think that what you have written there touches on a fundamental truth about relationships in trouble. That sometimes the best solution is to try and find a dynamic that works, rather than force ourselves into one that does not.

For example, as friends, you and your husband may get on fine. Okay, he might want more, but he will have to live with that. He knows why he lost that, and his role in the process.

For you, you can enjoy his company without having to force yourself to trust again when your inner voice tells you not to go there. Listen to that voice; it will not steer you wrong.

It is much, much better to be friends who get on that an uncomfortable married couple riven by doubt and a sense that once the best has been thrown away, what is left is not sufficient to sustain it.

You are regaining control of your life as an individual, and I am very happy to hear that. You are a treasure, Speedy, and as you move forward, you are regaining your sparkle.

Cooley2here posted 8/17/2019 07:42 AM

Thank you for letting us know how you are. I wish you all the best for your future.

Odonna posted 8/17/2019 07:51 AM

I had almost given up! Thank you Neanderthal, for prompting Speedy’s return.

And Speedbump, I am so very glad that you went back to re-read your thread here. And I hope you share your inclination to focus on the negative in IC and learn instead to really dissect all the advice. There is always a steady core even when advice seems all over the place. And everyone really does want to see you succeed and soar!

sinsof thefather posted 8/17/2019 08:04 AM

Good to hear from you Speedbump. I'm glad that you've found some clarity and peace. I hope you continue to move forward in your healing.

NotRecovered posted 8/17/2019 09:05 AM

Speedbump, it's so nice to hear from you! As M1965 said, you captured the heart of a lot of people, including mine. I'm not here to offer advice but I just want to let you know that I am tremendously impressed with you, your intelligence, your soul and your outstanding writing skills.

SpeedBump posted 8/19/2019 04:13 AM

I just feel so much love from all of you and so thank you for even caring after all this time. I feel like the ungrateful prodigal child but know I feel deep affection for all of you.

I hope to one day become a support in here, too, to offer sage wisdom, comfort and clarity. Today is probably not that day but one day.

I plan to stick around but I have found I feel safer posting thoughts in a more protected environment for the time being. I know it seems selfish but it's hopefully only temporary while I find my voice and gain my footing.

SB xxoxx

nothisfriend posted 8/19/2019 08:58 AM

Thanks for the update SB and glad to hear that you are on steadier footing.

In some ways 9 months seem so short, but in other ways look how far you have come!

Shockedmom posted 8/19/2019 09:03 AM

Good to see you back SB. Keep on healing. Looking forward to your wisdom when you are ready to share.

Buffer posted 10/4/2019 07:28 AM


You are a strong person, I am sorry for your plight. He is just a pig.

Cyber hugs and good luck with your future life.

[This message edited by Buffer at 7:29 AM, October 4th (Friday)]

Lalagirl posted 10/4/2019 08:34 AM

Hi Speedy! Hope you are doing well and are continuing to thrive. ((((HUGS))))

Mizzbak posted 11/19/2019 22:32 PM

SB, I am so glad that you came back... And that you felt so welcome when you did. And a bit bleak that I missed it!

The last time I posted on your thread the winter snow was melting where I am. And today as I write, snow is once again covering the ground outside. (Where I grew up there aren't such definite seasons, so this is still a wondrous thing for me.)

There is something deeply reassuring about these oh-so-familiar extreme changes. They speak so strongly to growth, but with rhythm. Ebbs and flows. Breathing in and then out. I'm going on for 3 1/2 years post D-day now. Most times it feels like a thousand years ago - as though it happened to someone else. And every now and then it's just last week - the pain scratching at my throat/heart. Growth ... but in circles.

Lean into that wobble ...

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