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Being played. Paralyzed.

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childofcheater posted 5/22/2019 06:24 AM

I LOVE this update SB! Sou is like you are focusing on you. Your health and your mental well being come first! U sound so much stronger already!

Northerngal posted 5/22/2019 07:10 AM

Wow, what he said is almost exactly what my wh said. What cliches they are, right? No one is hurt if no one finds out, no in love, no plans to leave, it was a competitive game, raising the stakes, easy, exciting, etc. Itís not original at all.

I say this often here, but they are only competitive if the game is rigged. Because otherwise they have no game, they are losers. The level of insecurity this involves is staggering. Interestingly, my wh loved cheating at cards and games, even though heís competent. And heís an athlete, so in sports he can win. But he always got a laugh out of pulling a fast one. It WAS the game to him. I stopped playing with him because it was always rigged. Except scrabble, which he cannot cheat at and I can kill him in the field of words. But he doesnít want to play scrabble.

Mow always talked about how competitive she was. But she needed a rigged game too. And frankly, these win at all cost people are never satisfied because they know deep down that they suck. Theyíre not proud of themselves, theyíre bottomless buckets that never fill or feel pride.

You and I both know that had we been in on this ďgameĒ it would not have progressed the way it did. Which was why we were kept in the dark. They didnít want a moral voice, they didnít want truth and authenticity in this fun game. We are the light that makes the cockroaches scurry. They thrive in the dark. Because we are the winners - honest and loyal partners who donít carry shame about our choices. We based our choices (even bad ones) on trust love and commitment. To not know it wasnít being reciprocated in kind doesnít make us the losers.

You sound great.

steadychevy posted 5/22/2019 08:18 AM

There is definitely a different tone to your post, SpeedBump. Confidence, clarity, control? Whatever. Attitude, certainly.

Remember, though, that there is still this roller coaster. There will still be some "downs" but they will be followed by more "ups". When the downs happen, let them happen but know when you get through them you will get back on your feet, regain lost ground, and make even more progress.

The decisions are still yours to make. Just make them right for you. Be a little selfish (I actually don't view it as selfish). Know the things you want out of life and a relationship and don't settle for less. I'm talking about your "love languages" being met and exceeded and the same with your needs from a relationship.

Enjoy Daisy!

Cooley2here posted 5/22/2019 08:20 AM

SB, has he talked about work? Has he felt less a man? The idea that he would fill up his free time with a sociopath says it all. This man needs a job ASAP. Not to win you over but to give him a way to define himself. Right now the nicest thing you can say about him is that he is an idiot. How in the world did he EVER think you werenít going to find out. Delusional thinking.

Sociopaths are dangerous because they never let on their games. They just suck you in. You are not her first victim and you wonít be the last. What a waste of a life. She gives nothing positive to the world.

Love the bike story. I see yours with a basket full of flowers and a loaf of bread and a little bell to ring.

nothisfriend posted 5/22/2019 08:45 AM

I missed the Mother's Day update so lots of good news to read here. So happy for everything; especially because your strength is really coming through in your posts. Sounds like you are finding yourself and moving steadily forward.

Lalagirl posted 5/22/2019 08:47 AM


Thank you for the update - it's so awesome to hear that you are doing better and are continuing on your life's journey in the way that makes YOU happy!

GrayShades posted 5/22/2019 09:04 AM

Speedie, it's so good to hear that you're in a good space. And I'm glad you're confronting some of the long-standing issues in your marriage no matter where your path leads. My own WH did not engage in the same kind of cruelty as your own, though there were some unbelievably thoughtless and humiliating events when he was in the A (she was also a 'friend', though thankfully not a neighbor, and they would arrange get-togethers with me as well, though not with the same type of 'dare' mentality). Anyhow, my WH now is appalled at what he was complicit in when his head was firmly implanted up his rear end. We just passed our 2-year mark post-Dday, and I'm starting to get my head around forgiveness. It's so flipping hard, and I did not need this hard path in the aftermath of lots of other huge stressors over the past few years. You have found your strength, and that will lead you where you need to go. I have a policy against making any decision from a place of fear. That means that I chose R with my WH even though it scares me to death. It meant that I didn't choose R because I was afraid to walk away.

nekonamida posted 5/22/2019 11:26 AM

I do believe he wants to help me heal, he wants to be the best possible But that's not where I'm at and often times I feel I might just be using him to help me understand so I can get strong enough to move on. Is that fair? Even if it isn't, I guess at this point, I am not worried about that. He still has free will. If he doesn't want to walk this path with me, I'm ok with that, and he can simply leave. But as long as he will answer my questions, there are things I still need answered so this helps me.

After everything he has done, it's the least he can do for you to help you heal and move on even if that's on to a future with him. Sounds like he was thinking that you meeting up with him was a sign that you would want R hence his shock. Well, too bad for him! Doesn't feel too good to be blindsided by the truth, does it?

SB, you are doing amazing! You've got this!

SisterMilkshake posted 5/22/2019 12:01 PM

Hi, Speedbump. I don't think I have posted on this thread before but I wanted to stop by and give you support. I generally do not post in JFO especially in very long threads as I feel that those threads the BS is getting the support and advice needed. I generally go to threads that have few responses in JFO.

I just wanted to let you know that you are doing so well. How much you have grown from your first post here. Your strength is amazing. I also wanted to thank you for your support of me. Can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate it.

Wishing you much peace and serenity on your healing journey, SB. ((((((SpeedBump))))))

Booyah posted 5/22/2019 15:54 PM

"I didn't see it as hurting you as in my mind you would never find out"?


Has NOTHING to do with you finding out.

I find it extremely troubling that it never occurred to him that he was ok with someone trashing/belittling someone he loved (in this case his wife). I get it he was having an affair with this whacko but him joining in with her and belittling/trashing you and it never occurred to him that this was wrong (on top of having an affair) tells me that this guy didn't get it during the A nor does he get it now.

Do what you have to do SB in order to heal (which looks like you're doing).

The1stWife posted 5/22/2019 15:57 PM

Glad to hear some positives!!!

Another story of how the 180 and hard approach has gotten you out from under infidelity.

SpeedBump posted 5/22/2019 16:49 PM

@SMS - thank you for your post. I read alot of your posts and do find them so helpful. I should have never wandered into that thread but I could not leave without saying something. It was and is all a terrible trigger for me and you so succinctly captured exactly what I was feeling. I couldn't believe what I was reading and when I got to the whining and snarky messages, well...I was done. I have no time for defensive waywards, all while eating up the praise. Not at this point in my journey, maybe not ever. It honestly made my stomach turn. All I kept saying to myself was, "the nerve of these people!" It rocked me to my core and I couldn't not say something. I'm glad I did but I'll now go ahead and let them continue to act indignant and be pouty. And thank you, thank you, thank you for standing up for us BWs. You have my gratitude! You saved me last night.

@Booyah - thank you for this question. It's on my list for him now. Did he ever stick up for me or have my back when speaking about me to her? I'd really like to know!

I find it extremely troubling that it never occurred to him that he was ok with someone trashing/belittling someone he loved (in this case his wife).

@Steadychevy - thank you for your kind words, too. I do know I will continue to ride the wave of emotions. I am still wounded at my core but I'm actively working to heal. I will now know what to expect and will use what I know and have learned from here to better handle those down times. I'm not naive. I know I won't always feel like this but I'm gonna ride the high and make the most of it.

@Northerngal - the scripts are amazing, aren't they. I truly believe WH thinks he is a special snowflake and his digging to understand himself is really unique. I told him I bet every WH says the exact same thing and he was shocked I would think that! Shocked! He said he's digging so hard to understand his why's (excuses to me) and feels like he really had an epiphany with that one and I just said..."Wow, compartmentalize much?". I'm glad you could so easily separate the married Mr. Speedbump from the WW one and not see how in anyway this could affect me. Wow, talk about feeling less than zero to you!". And he just sighed.

What a joke! And satisfying to win a game the opponent is clueless about!

[This message edited by SpeedBump at 4:51 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

emergent8 posted 5/22/2019 16:56 PM

Thanks for the update Speedbump. You really are doing so well.

PS. Welcome to the anger stage. Brace yourself.

Sunshine184 posted 5/23/2019 11:47 AM

Itís great to receive your updates SB! You have many rooting for you, what a Home Team you have. Iíve been thinking about something, itís something that has been therapeutic for me. It is obvious that you are a deeply loving person. It is difficult to be in the position of healing and not having that deep part of yourself filled. I volunteer for an animal rescue and also foster orphan kittens. There is joy in helping animals and you receive unconditional love as well as the opportunity to nurture. Iím sure your work prevents you from fostering, maybe you arenít an animal person, but maybe this is an outlet if you are one? Iím so happy that you are improving in so many ways - your self care through nutrition as well as the fresh air and exercise with your bike. (((hugs SB)))

whatisloveanyway posted 5/23/2019 11:48 AM

SB, so happy to read your updates. You are healing nicely and taking care of yourself! I can relate to so much of your journey and have also waffled on posting because I felt like I was getting too caught up in my martyr syndrome, and it is what it is, there ultimately is just dealing with it and trying to grow and thrive in the process. I have found so much great advice and perspective here though and think when I have more answers maybe I can help with advice for the new ones who show up here lost. Iím still pissed it took me a year to find this site. .

The bike is a game changer isnít it? Wind and sun on your face, feeling like a kid again. Whenever I start to go a little crazy I get outside fast even if itís just for a walk but a bike ride is better. Iíve been thinking about a scooter - seems even more fun and I can go farther. Congrats on finding yourself a place to live and donít question yourself Ė you do you and the rest will fall into place. You are being cautious with your WH and wisely so.

I wasnít supposed to find out either - he said they believed there was nothing wrong with what they were doing because we were never supposed to know. A victimless crime. He actually called it a win win. I got to keep my happy marriage and the role as mother I chose over us and he got his sexual demands met with a lonely housewife. When he was with me he never thought of her and when he was with her he never thought of me. Completely separate things he says. Amazing isnít it? Thatís the magic of compartmentalization and I have insisted that he had to know regardless, that what they were doing was both wrong and incredibly hurtful. Betrayal, deceit, sin, contractual violations, health and safety risks, and general shitting on our marriage and friendship. He does not see it this way and insists a year downstream that if I had just quit searching for clues everything would have been fine. They were supposed to end when her husband retired and moved away. I guess I hurried their program along. Iíve decided heís just emotionally immature and more selfish than I ever knew. We must barely know each other and I feel like we are starting over in many ways.

I am in a strange place right now camping where we spent our honeymoon 33 years ago, revisiting the first stop on our trip last year where I discovered they were still in contact, and remembering so many breakdowns in the car in the camper. But I am trying to appreciate the beauty of this place and listen to the birds and try not to think of the past. He does not want to talk about the past 9 years, just tomorrow. But I still have things to clarify and Iím still figuring out so much about how I feel. He is flustered by my weekly meltdowns and all I can say is I didnít write this story- you did. I donít know how it ends and I donít know how to do things any differently than the way Iím doing them right now. I will not question myself and I will not judge myself for how Iím dealing with the mess that he made of our life. Iím tidying up as best I know how. I donít know what my future holds but I know now itís in my hands and Iím not afraid anymore.

Best of luck to you moving forward. Iíve used camping, music, concerts, way too much wine and visits with friends to remind me how to have fun through all these months of adjusting and rebooting my life. Whatever works, right?

Hope you keep in touch.

whatisloveanyway posted 5/23/2019 11:59 AM

SB, I forgot to add that their relationship changed quite a bit over the years and she started to exert a lot more influence over him than I can fathom. She became manipulative, needy, demanding, petulant, nagging - so many things I would never have dreamed of being in this relationship with him because he was not the kind of man to put up with such nonsense from anyone. He didnít have an affair so much as a girlfriend or a second marriage for many years and he cannot explain how he got so tangled. He said it was easier to stay in than it was to get out, not that she was blackmailing or threatening but it was just so much trouble dealing with her crying when he wouldnít see her and her incessant emails and messages. I imagine your husband like mine is equally befuddled with the mess he allowed himself to become stuck in and itís interesting to me because they both seem like the types of personalities who would be the last to get caught up in such a mess. One of my dearest oldest friends said honey I love my husband with all my heart but I donít trust him because I donít trust any man - they are not to be trusted - theyíre just different from us you need to understand that. Apologies to the good ones out there but I wish she told me that years ago!

These are crazy plot lines we have to assimilate into the novels of our lives yes? I try to remind myself that I am not stupid as much as he was flawed. I wonít get fooled again. Neither will you.

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 12:04 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 5/23/2019 13:34 PM

T/J @whatisloveanyway

I wasnít supposed to find out either - he said they believed there was nothing wrong with what they were doing because we were never supposed to know. A victimless crime. He actually called it a win win.
Exactly what my FWH thought. He was wise enough to not actually tell me it was a win/win situation, even if he thought that whilst he was having his LTA. Pretty much right close to d-day I told my FWH I was in lose/lose situation. He wanted to save the marriage and was willing to do whatever it took. If we divorced I lost intact family unit, stability and the partner I thought was mine for life OR I got to stay married to a man that stabbed me in the back repeatedly. He quickly learned on d-day that he was sadly mistaken about being in a win/win scenario. End T/J

Sunny69 posted 5/29/2019 15:17 PM

I wish I could just stand tall and walk away. Never look back and go and kick ass in life and love, but I'm just me. Speedbump. Horribly wounded and just trying to stand again right now. I want to be wonder woman but I'm not. I'll have to leave that for someone else.

Speed bump, I so relate to this. I have just picked up your thread. Sorry you are in this club. I admire the space you have carved out for yourself to just learn to adjust.

I wish you calmness and serenity of the mind. A good friend of mine sent me the serenity prayer for when times are hard and you just need 'something' .

Virtual hugs.
Along with the virtual coffee and cake chatting about life

Odonna posted 5/29/2019 20:58 PM


I have read your last post three times now. There is a lot in it to unpack, both about yourself and about him.

I have no doubt whatsoever that you will be ok in the end. You have the insight, strength, resilience, and fortitude to salvage your life, no matter what.

But even if your WH has true remorse, what he showed you about who he is, fundamentally, is just so hard to get by. He willingly accepted the crazy dare games that the OW got so excited about. He did not stand up for you and actively participated in dehumanizing games. I am so sorry. Personally I do not think I could ever get over that. Your husband should be the one person who sees you through rose-glasses and thinks you are the very best person in the world. You deserve that. But his betrayal was not just sexual, it was a denial of who you should BE to him.

Hugs, Girl.... ((((Speedy))))

[This message edited by Odonna at 9:13 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

Odonna posted 6/4/2019 11:55 AM

Hey Girl!

I saw your General post about some self-esteem boosting "improvements" and was just wondering how you are doing?

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