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Being played. Paralyzed.

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babbu posted 4/9/2019 08:36 AM

Sb: I'm sorry that my advice made you feel like you had to take your leave. It wasn't my intention to be passive-aggressive or hurt you.

From my perspective, things were starting to get into legal territory, and we immediately start with flyer suggestions on the previous page which would provoke this crazy woman. Not good. Not good at all to provoke this person.

When I was dealing with my own crazy stalker of several years, I was keen to get as much as strategy to deal with them as possible. Hence me warning Sb that this crazy lady could turn this around on her. It seemed, at the time, rather tame compared to the suggestions to provoke her. In light of that, I could not have foreseen it would have the impact it that it did. The book and card stuff was many pages back and even I was not sure of the details and even had to ask. Since it's gotten into legal territory I bought it up so that Sb would not feel blindsided. I was concerned about her running into that horrible point. She was very proud of what she had done, so I could not have foreseen that would have changed now.

I had a couple of points during my own legal proceedings with my own stalker that I hit some hard points and wish someone had advised me in the same way of the stunts they could potentially pull. We are all different people.

My intentions were written all over my posts. Please note I never discouraged her to not do it, simply to be prepared.

Please be cautious when you're dealing with her legally.]

That's me, above, concerned.

Please be careful and consult with all the legal resources you have available before proceeding past the cease and desist because she has something she can retaliate with pretty hard.

but I did not want you to be blindsided.

Sb: I am truly sorry for scaring you away. That was not my intention. I could not foresee that it would have done that based on your previous reactions to the subject and me going off my own perspective and being a different person. I hope that you understand and do return. I will not touch the thread after this, you have my word.

Furious1 posted 4/9/2019 10:05 AM

SpeedBump, you are reacting quite normally to posts that have been less than supportive of you through this difficult time. It's really easy for others to Monday morning quarterback your decisions because they are not the ones having to make real time decisions and they don't have any emotions or feelings involved in the outcome either way.

I understand not wanting or needing that during such a difficult situation. You have every right to be upset about it. Quite frankly, it would have bothered me too had I been in your shoes. If you need to take a break, I totally understand. Post when you are ready and able to. Some people find messaging in private helps too.

F1

k8la posted 4/16/2019 11:04 AM

Speed - I've been thinking about you. There is so much strength in you, and I'm hoping you're finding your equilibrium and sense of self these days.

Odonna posted 4/17/2019 23:04 PM

Speedy, there are lots of us here thinking of you. How are you doing?

NoOptTo posted 4/18/2019 16:46 PM

With Easter coming up this weekend, I'm hoping and praying you find some solace and strength in yourself for the horrible situation your WH put you in. Hope your navigating through this as well as you.

changeneeded posted 4/19/2019 17:19 PM

You know. I love this forum it reminds me of a good cop , bad cop type situation. However , sometimes that ďbad copĒ comes off as know it all , even holier than thou. I quit posting my own questions and problems a while ago when I felt humiliated for my situation and how I responded.

With all my heart I believe every single poster cares and wants to help and desires to see each person succeed and live happily ever after with or without the cheating, lying spouse.

I get how you feel, really I do. But there are so many who want nothing but the best. For everyone.

I would love to tell some of the harsh posters to chill. But then , that would simply ruin the beauty of this site. We need both ďgood and bad cop here. While I still refuse to post my personal story for now. I want to encourage you to continue. Youíve too much to offer people like me that are Stuck.

xoxo

changeneeded posted 4/19/2019 17:22 PM

Sorry for the terrible punctuation and grammar. Iím n my phone.

sinsof thefather posted 4/21/2019 02:32 AM

Just in case you are still seeing this thread Speedbump - I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you over this holiday period.

Odonna posted 4/21/2019 08:28 AM

I sent her a PM a few days ago that she has not opened, so at least for now she is gone.

Speedy, I know you are all alone going through this terrible thing, so I hope you come back and let us help!

[This message edited by Odonna at 8:29 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]

SpeedBump posted 5/6/2019 08:07 AM

Dear SI,

The last few weeks Iíve been feeling very poorly about many things, including abandoning my thread here when so many have been so helpful to me and whom I do believe genuinely care about me. I have decided that one of the things I have been feeling bad about, abandoning my thread, is easily rectified, one thing I can control, so here I am. I hope you wonít mind the update.

I am in an incredibly lonely and dark place, for the most part, but even so, there are moments of light and some degree of healing. I might look like Iím in limbo but I donít feel I am. I have decided that I will not be making any major decisions in my life while Iím in such a bad place, including any decisions about my marriage. I will only make immediate decisions that impact my immediate safety and well-being, including continued separation from WH. He has moved into his own apartment which is not too far from me, which is purely coincidental, as he didnít know where I lived because I refused to tell him. He still doesnít know my location which bothers him very much but I keep stating my need for safety, so he stopped asking.

WH and I have spent very little time together but we did clear out our house and it sits on the market ready for APís next victim, no doubt. I almost feel badly that I am potentially setting someone up for a very nasty fall but hopefully any couple that might move there includes a husband with very strong boundaries. Of course this is not my problem anyway but I canít help but feel for any new owners.

I continue to have sessions with my IC which is so helpful. Iím working on standing up for myself and working through what really is pure grief. I am also working with a nutritionist to help reconcile my very unhealthy relationship with food, which is likely a control issue on my part, as one of the few things I can seem to control in my life, as my life seems so very out of control. I have surpassed the 100 lb line so there is some progress.

My WH is clear in his desire to R and seems to be working on himself. We do communicate, mostly by text but not constantly. He wants to spend time with me and I am not ready or donít know if I ever will be, even if I may want to. I am trying to understand why I actually do want to spend time with him (because sometimes I do), someone who has hurt me so incredibly deeply and whether it is related to a sense of duty, actual love, or just being so desperately lonely. I havenít figured that out yet so in typical Speedbump fashion, I remain paralyzed in my actions and do nothing at all. I have been given what seems like good advice from respected people here on SI about agreeing to spend limited time with him so I can talk through my questions about the A as means to help me, and based on his ability to handle that, possibly agreeing to spend non-A related time with him to just have some companionship/friendship to do things with someone else. Iím leaning towards that and WH very much would like that and has agreed and will answer any and all questions I ever have. Iím still thinking about it and likely will.

I have tried to get out and do more things, even taking myself on a weekend trip to try to escape. It wasnít a success by any stretch of the imagination. I didnít enjoy myself, I got angry all over again because seeing the world all alone was never my goal or intent. But I might very well have to adapt to that and learn ways to adjust my attitude about that. I am journaling and talking myself through such things that cross my mind.

One big change in my behaviour Ė I have never really felt comfortable using foul language. I tend to keep things clean, even in my own head. Now? Oh wow! While still keeping it clean with what comes out of my mouth, the conversations in my head are very much R-rated now, due to language! I swear like a sailor and actually, I rather enjoy it. What a release. Itís the simple things.

Thank you for listeningÖ

MamaDragon posted 5/6/2019 08:41 AM

*hugs*

Glad you came back.

it is hard to turn off your feelings for someone unfortunately. It would be so much easier if you could turn it off like a light switch.

fareast posted 5/6/2019 08:51 AM

Thanks for the update. I think everything you are feeling is very normal. Hopefully the emotional rollercoaster will smooth out over time. Itís that four letter word: time. Iím glad to see your IC sessions are helpful. Stick with it. I am not surprised to see your WH has not wavered in his desire to R. That was pretty evident from your DDay. But he lost the right to make that decision with his infidelity in such a cruel manner. You are in control even though it may not seem like it. Keep grinding away. Please do keep eating and regaining your strength. Good luck.

Cooley2here posted 5/6/2019 09:01 AM

Hi, SB. So glad you checked in. I think about you every day.

I am one of those who believe in reconciliation. That is the reason I want him to ďgetĒ why he dishonored you so badly. If he has any decency then he should be horrified by what he did. Is he? There is regret and there is remorse. Remorse is empathy for inflicting pain on another intentionally. Has he gotten there yet?

This affair has torn up your life and destroyed your dreams. Does he get that?

Please continue to look after yourself. You have an international support system right here cheering you on.

ChamomileTea posted 5/6/2019 09:51 AM

After the dust had more or less settled, I ended up in the worst depression I could even imagine. In fact, I didn't really even understand depression until it happened to me. Of course, I've had friends who went through it, family members even. And I really did think of myself as a empathetic and supportive person to them. But there are some things that we just don't get until they happen to us. Empathy is just "walking a mile in the the other guy's shoes", but this is a mile we can't truly identify with until we've walked it for ourselves.

I can't say for sure whether it's depression which is darkening your daily life, but it happens to so many of us in grief. And it can completely take over if we're not actively fighting it. In my personal experience though, it can get better. It can be beaten.

Anyway, as far as your WH is concerned, until you make your R or D decision, you can't measure his potential for change if you don't interact with him. For a person who is bent on D, it's not worth the hassle, but when you don't know... you need data. You can't get that if you're not in contact. Because you're still in a delicate state of mind, I would say that it would be wise to take your time and to schedule meetings in accordance with your comfort, but if you're "paralyzed" again, I think you might have to exceed your comfort level. What would have happened if you both gone together on that weekend trip?.. maybe gone as "friends" without sharing a room? You would likely have taken meals together, set an agenda of things to see together, and talked about the trip. You might have had moments to observe his demeanor. You might have been able to set up some limits regarding more serious discussion or broken through some barriers to it, whichever seemed more appropriate.

I'm not trying to encourage you to an R decision, but I do think if you were bent on D, you'd have made a move in that direction. So, you might be stuck. If you're depressed and stuck, it's going to be difficult for you to make decisions at all. Our brains just don't want to behave decisively when our world seems so dark, you know?

((big hugs)) Glad to hear from you.

Odonna posted 5/6/2019 10:04 AM

So glad you came back! Everyone here has going or still is going through this, so you do have a tribe here. And if anything going forward does not sit well with you just scroll past it.

One of the hardest things about being where you are right now is that progress seems so slow day to day, and then we judge ourselves for being ďstuck.Ē Give yourself a break from self-castigation. Your health is improving and the rest will as well.

Is there anything where you are like Meetup? A forum for people to join ad hoc groups doing virtually any kind of hobby. That would be good for you. Baby steps.

Furious1 posted 5/6/2019 10:09 AM

Thank you for the update SpeedBump. Just remember that you are the only person most qualified to make decisions about your life regardless if anyone else tries to tell you otherwise. Hugs.

F1

steadychevy posted 5/6/2019 10:58 AM

I was so glad to see you checked back in, SpeedBump. What you're going through is pretty typical, I think. I know I went through the feelings of wanting to spend time with WW, waiting until she got home, just for her to be there like I thought it used to be. I did that a lot. I can't really explain it to much other than they were a part of our life, such an integral and intimate part of our life, that there seems to be a big hole when they aren't there.

I hope your healing continues and accelerated, SpeedBump.

beauchateaux posted 5/6/2019 13:30 PM

Hi friend. Glad to see you back.

One of the things that always gets said on here is that there is a difference between regret and remorse. Regret is easy and often immediate post-Dday, remorse is hard-won and takes time to fully embrace/express properly.

I agree with Chamomile - it's smart that you don't want to decide between R and D yet, but if you don't interact with your WH, there won't be anything new to inform your decision. I mean yes, you can work on yourself - obviously you're doing awesome in that regard. But you need actual, face-to-face interaction to help you decide how you feel about continuing to have a relationship - of any sort - with him.

And you don't have to compromise on things that make you feel safe - for example, keep your address and location private. You don't need to have him in your home if it makes you feel too vulnerable and you're not ready. It can be small - meet for coffee or lunch every Sunday to check in and talk. Just to start. If you need to, give him boundaries on what you're willing to discuss during these little dates. Then you can work up to more, if you choose - or ultimately decide that you can't continue the relationship and ask him for a divorce.

Again - not encouraging a path for you, just trying to get you 'unstuck'. Keep posting - we're here to listen, and help if we can.

Starzen posted 5/6/2019 22:24 PM

Glad to see you back Speed! I think of you often!

sinsof thefather posted 5/6/2019 22:51 PM

Hi Speedbump, It's good to hear from you and I'm glad to hear that you are having progress with your relationship with food. That's such a biggie to understand and deal well done you for getting help and having some success.

As for your relationship, I tend to agree with Chamomile Tea and others who say that it may help you to become unstuck by spending some time with WH. You'll soon know if it makes you feel better or worse - and it has the bonus of you being able to better ascertain whether his remorse seems real. It could help with your decision making and feeling of being stuck.

Whatever you decide there is support here for you.

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