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Being played. Paralyzed.

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Mizzbak posted 4/6/2019 12:41 PM

I would consider fitting a security camera(s) monitoring your property exterior. She will hopefully lose interest after this. But if she doesn't, and escalates things, she may actually do considerable damage your home. (More sane, more moral people can tend to minimize the threats of those who are neither.) You may not even need to have the cameras operational to benefit from their protection. But if they do record something because she's too dim to notice them, then you'll have something for the local police.

SB - grieving your loss is a very important thing to do. But so is beginning to fill the emptiness and loneliness with something that brings challenge and joy. Do something impetuous - fly your daughter or a good friend over to join you for the weekend and go somewhere fun. Join a pottery group. Do more yoga (there are some amazing looking yoga retreats dotted all over Europe). I went on a cyanotype course and met people completely outside of my usual circles and experience. And got myself a whole new hobby.

No matter what your decision regarding your marriage may be in the future, making meaningful creative and fun space for yourself right now can only be good for you. Remembering/relearning that you can be happy without him will give you balance and perspective.

SpeedBump posted 4/6/2019 13:53 PM

RubixCubed

@Speedbump ,
Your WH needs to get a cease and desist order as well. It will keep her in her cage (or in the govt. cage) and it will also MAKE him honor the NC.

The letter was on behalf of both of us since we were both on the emails she sent and I thought exactly what you mentioned, that hopefully it enforces a legal NC for WH, and I told him as much. He of course said that was fine but he absolutely did not need that as he has not and never plans to ever say or write another word to her. Hmmmph! Let's hope so.

Mizzback - I really do hope to put some enjoyment back into my life. At this point I've just added to my workload to keep myself busy. I'm home for 1.5 days and then off on another trip. It's the quiet moments where the sadness creeps in and becomes all consuming.

WH is planning to move soon. He has rented a studio apartment for 6 months. Hoping house sells by then. I hate feeling like I've had to flee my home but that's exactly what it is. She wins. Sick game but she wins.

childofcheater posted 4/6/2019 14:32 PM

She's desperate for contact. Don't feed the drama llama

childofcheater posted 4/6/2019 14:34 PM

PS when you sell before you leave the neighborhood I'd be tempted to send a heads up email to the neighborhood. Lock up your husband's and detail everything.

Odonna posted 4/6/2019 16:18 PM

Remember, she never read the books!! She has no perception of how what she does is perceived by others. That makes her dangerous as well as pitiful. Take the advice to install security cameras at your house. And if she keyed WH’s car there will be paint chips on her keys... if the police can find a way to examine them....

RubixCubed posted 4/6/2019 19:28 PM

The letter was on behalf of both of us since we were both on the emails she sent and I thought exactly what you mentioned, that hopefully it enforces a legal NC for WH, and I told him as much.

She already violated the cease and desist then. You need to escalate this to an official restraining order or equivalent in your country.

Furious1 posted 4/6/2019 22:44 PM

SpeedBump, I am so sorry that the AP is showing her true character.

F1

The1stWife posted 4/7/2019 07:34 AM

The AP doesn’t “win”.

That is your mindset and you can look st it as “she” won.

Or you can look at it as she may have done these horrible things but now she is alone and facing possible legal consequences for her continued contact.

She did not win anything.

She is alone. Alone in her unhappiness. She lost more than she knows. That is the sad part. She doesn’t get it and never will.

SpeedBump posted 4/7/2019 08:08 AM

The1stWife - I appreciate what you are saying and maybe one day I will believe that but certainly I don't believe it today. I feel very much like this woman had a vendetta against me and for the life of me, I don't know why. We were friendly! We treated her well. We tried to include her in many things. The level to which she took advantage of that literally blows my mind. I've never met anyone before in my life like her. I've never had experience with someone so manipulative and now who seems so sinister. It's frightening to know that level of deceit exists. I'm blown away at how my WH willingly engaged and participated in the sick games. And because I see what they did to me as a game, then I do think there is a winner and a loser and I am the loser. My marriage is destroyed. I no longer have a home. My health is in decline. My future plans as we had set them are literally in flames. This certainly can't be what winning feels like!

AP has her home, still has friends and has her life. Her consequences are essentially a "cease and desist" letter. I know this is all somewhat superficial and I know she has no morals, is a horrible person and has to live with that, but that's who she was before all of this only I didn't see it. Other than the letter, she also got time, sex and fun out of WH which she was never meant to have. Bonus points for her!!! In the game she played with me and my life, she definitely wins that game.

How I choose to handle it from here has no bearing on the game she played with me. The game she played with me is over. She wins. Whether she retires at this point or goes on to fine another unwitting opponent has no bearing on "our" game. Game over. She is the declared winner.

Believe me, I know I am giving this way too much headspace, but I'm just proving my statement. It sucks, for sure, and I know I have to be the bigger person, live well for the best revenge and all of that. I get all of that. I do. But sometimes none of that helps at all. None of it. Sometimes just 'sucking it up" is what is required and that stinks to high heaven.

But suck it up I must.

Rubix - I struggle with calling authorities only because now I sit at the airport taking off for a few days of work. If the police get involved, I worry about not being there to be involved and to control any contact with AP / WH, even with authorities present. I know I can't control anything but I at least want to handle that. I know the sooner the better and I will probably just have WH file a report but I know it will send me down a thought path I don't want or need.

Literally, I just want to scream over all of this!!!! I feel the anger rising up so I'm going to sign off for now and try to calm myself. I'll be OK. I always am, but it sure as heck sucks having to constantly be the responsible adult in all of this!

Cooley2here posted 4/7/2019 09:11 AM

I AM NOT TRAINED IN PSYCHOLOGY SO THESE ARE JUST MY THOUGHTS.
The first thing you need to do is read, read, read! The net has thousands of pages devoted to dealing with this kind of person. The absolute sick, devious way she went about trying to hurt you reeks of a serious personality disorder. Narcissists and sociopaths are experts in this kind of behavior. Whether she has any personality disorder or not is above my expertise. Her behavior shows, at least, a mimicking of these.

If you ever feel healthy enough to ask try to get a detailed explanation of HOW the torture came up. As insulting as this sounds, your husband’s affair was a banal story. A middle aged man, with time on his hands, cheats. Just a another heartbroken wife. But! This vicious layer is where he stepped into the void. How.did.he.justify.it?

k8la posted 4/7/2019 11:22 AM

I guarantee she doesn't feel like a winner. Her winning meant your death and her getting your husband as the prize. Even though you're not living there, and your husband may not be able to recover the marriage, he doesn't want her. He can't unsee her evil now. So she has no prize, and enraged, she goes after whatever she can lash out at.

She didn't win. Not the way she imagined, and not in the way she feels now. She. Has. Nothing. And in that, she is revealed as the loser she is and always will be.

Mizzbak posted 4/7/2019 13:05 PM

SB,

The OW has won nothing.

Imagine (if you can) a life without integrity and self-respect. She is a pathetic creature with the emotional maturity of a toddler and the morality of a cat in heat. She tries to steal meaning from others - coveting their happiness and success, but succeeding only in acquiring a treasure that crumbles, rotting and stinking in the harsh light of reality.

A person enjoying her "victory" does not threaten illegal acts in hysterical emails, key motor vehicles and try to cover their tracks with blatant lies. Any power she had over you came only from your ignorance of who and what she really is. And that is thankfully long gone.

Uncovering their affair has shown all three of you new truth about yourselves. Yours is the only one that has no shame attached. You don't have to be the better person. You already are.

(Your anger is completely normal and healthy. "Living well" isn't about seeing yourself as spineless. Kickboxing.)

steadychevy posted 4/7/2019 18:09 PM

I understand your point of view about her winning, SpeedBump. I have difficulty with the same thing.

My WW's AP didn't want her to move in with him. WW wasn't going to leave me. He got a born again Christian church going woman who bragged about her husband (according to WW) to have sex with him anyway he wanted, where ever he wanted, when ever he wanted. When they weren't travelling he simply had to call and she would stop at his place for a quickie at noon or after work.

Apparently he was upset, though, when WW moved away to a field office. Why wouldn't he be. He'd probably never be able to find the same arrangement - easy, absolutely free with no risk of drama.

It sure seems he won. But, I sure would rather be me than him. As far as I know he hasn't had any consequences - yet. I'd rather be me with all of my faults than my WW. She's had many consequences. I'd rather be me even with the consequences of divorce, from retiring very comfortably to having to be careful, spending thousands on counselling, etc.

I'd rather be me.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 7:22 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]

ShutterHappy posted 4/7/2019 19:30 PM

Speedbump,

It might be a good idea for your WH to install surveillance cameras, like Mizzbak said, in case she damages your property after your WH moves into the studio.

You might consider changing your email address, you could consider this getting rid of the old life and starting anew. She may not be tech savvy, but a simple google search will tell her how to create ephemeral email accounts and contact you anonymously.

I’m not saying this because I’m worried she will hack into your account, but mostly because I think you had enough already and you don’t need any more of this nonsense.

You could even register a domain name and have your own name like jane "at" doe "dot" com and make it fun. Unfortunately speedbump "dot" com is taken, I checked

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 7:31 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]

Booyah posted 4/7/2019 19:43 PM

SB, how can you be the loser in a game you weren't even in? The participants were psycho woman and your H. No winners were crowned but two losers were identified.

I don't know how things work over there legally, but once your house has been sold and H has moved out I think it would behoove you to print out a flyer letting everyone on your block know all about psycho woman and what she has done and what she's capable of (don't mention the car being keyed as you can't prove this).

"Ladies don't let your husband get close to this woman".

Why wouldn't the neighbors believe this as you would be exposing your H as well.

She might think it's behind her once the house is sold and she got over on you but karma's a bitch.

Again run this by an attorney to make sure it's legal. Every word of what you put in the flyer would be true so I don't see why it wouldn't be legal. Print what you have to say in English and whatever languages are spoken on the block. Than pay someone to put it on the doors of each home.

Hang in there and continue to vent. You're doing great and you'll get through this nightmare.

ShutterHappy posted 4/7/2019 19:59 PM

I respectfully disagree with the flyers in the neighborhood idea. She’s obviously unstable and who knows what she will do next?

That woman is perfectly capable of messing her life. She will mess it up even further, guaranteed. She doesn’t need any help.

Meanwhile, speedbump doesn’t need to waste one more second thinking of that woman.

Speedbump, start fresh, start new, you have a good career, you are intelligent and you’ll do just fine. Onward and upward!

heartbroken_kk posted 4/8/2019 00:36 AM

SB, you need to adjust your perspective on this.

Focus on the trajectory of your life. The roller coaster you are on will end. You'll get off and make your way forward away from the crazy. The hills and valleys you are traveling now in no way determines the mountain you will summit next year.

Get free from the crazy. You cannot change the past. Move forward one step, focus on you, the things you can control. Tomorrow take another step, again, for YOUR needs.

In a week's time, you'll be a week further along.

The carnage of my WH's infidelity is in my past. I learned from it. I made it through, got my health back. I got my head on straight. I made myself into a better person for ME. And now, my life is very simply, good. It's a good life.

You have a good life ahead of you too. You will get there.

whodidimarry posted 4/8/2019 02:24 AM

Does her behavior strike you as the behavior of someone who 'won'?

Edie posted 4/8/2019 04:01 AM

Exactly. ^^^

Far from being the winner, her behaviour exemplifies that of a bad loser.

If her intention was to take you down, all the way or even just a peg or two, she hasn’t succeeded in either. Yes, your eyes have been opened to the malice that exists in this world, and on your doorstep too, but it is good to identify the enemy.

Yes, your marriage has been torn asunder and yet her current behaviour has you both uniting against a common enemy. It’s a shame your WH did not see the Trojan horse for what it was, but it used weapons of flattery, sex and cheap thrills to keep him looking the other way from the real business at hand. That he now sees beneath the mask to her malevolence and wish to destroy you does not mean she has won either. She is rumbled, exposed, revealed. Reduced to keying a car. It’s deeply frustrating but significant for its expression of impotence.

Re your home, I go back to what I said in an earlier post. The home is you, and you are intact and you will find that increasingly as you heal, renewed, fortified, more resilient and more alive to the complexities of the world. The process of healing needs us to take pleasure and gratitude for small things, birds singing, scent of a flower, as antidote for the bombshell that has been dropped on us. Not just as some kind of distraction but where real meaning can be found.

As to the home with your WH that has been torn asunder also. To some extent, it has revealed faultlines that can be worked on, whether that be your WH’s failure to protect it from marauding forces - whether from ennui with himself, complacency, naivety, or some twisted complicity has yet to be discovered - and the significance of figures between you like his first wife that needed interred and reburied.

It is a learning opportunity - or at least it was for me, and again for me, a wake up call to my life. I can see that will sound horribly Polly-annaish at this point, when you and WH are living separately out of suitcases, avoiding your home because of vindictive and spiteful craziness next door. But still I have this image of this tiny little angry toddler of OW crying and screaming beating on your solid unassailable door to be let in, like the real wizard of Oz behind the curtain, small, narcissistic tiny person who can not reduce you, no matter how hard she tries. To some extent, she could be seen as any external force sent to try us in this life. But as to her having won, surely her hatred of you must only ultimately represent her hatred of herself and no house, home, neighbourhood can help her escape from herself.

Anyhow, I really am not trying to persuade you of anything. These things are a process and you are currently living out of a suitcase. I suppose I just wanted to say that it will get better, you will feel better. Perhaps the notion of surrender that you’re espousing can be uncoupled from the specificity of OW, into a more Buddhist sense of surrender, which I hope might be bring you some peace.


[This message edited by Edie at 4:12 AM, April 8th (Monday)]

Northerngal posted 4/8/2019 04:58 AM

You’re in such an early and tender part of this. As more time passes, you will see who the real winner is. When you live your life authentically and honestly, you win in the long run. When you feel life, all the ups and downs, you win.

Someone like her, who needs to hurt and lie and manipulate, can never truly be happy, ergo she’s a loser.

Until dday, I didn’t know, at age 45, that people can look you in the eye and tell you “I love you” and not mean it. I didn’t know how hurtful and manipulative people could be. It made me feel so naive and gullible, but I don’t feel that way anymore. I’m real. The hits kept coming over and over, and they were all from family. I spent a lot of time vomiting on the shower floor, confused. Things are so raw. Be gentle with yourself. Try to do something effective every day. This is not a linear healing, it’s a fucking dynamic mess.

She’s unstable. She will feed (like all sociopaths do) off the emotions she makes you feel. That’s where they get their power. They are unfeeling and incapable of hurting or caring. That’s why they find find feeling and kind people to befriend. Any action you take will result in her turning it around to prove how unstable you are. There’s no impacting them emotionally except in no contact. You cannot hurt her, she will never hold herself accountable or feel any remorse, so save your energy towards healing you.

Signed, a former revenge obsessed bw. And I mean obsessed.

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