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Being played. Paralyzed.

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Twitchy posted 1/16/2019 17:54 PM

Give him a fake arrival time. Then come home a day earlier and see what they're up too.

SpeedBump posted 1/16/2019 17:56 PM

Shockedmom, I do have most of the messages saved via pics that I have sent to a new and private email. I have more than enough to prove their affair.

HellFire posted 1/16/2019 17:57 PM

Don't waste a minute feeling bad that he's worried about your health. He's been having unprotected sex. He's exposed you to possible STDs. And the cruelty in which he has conducted this affair is more proof that your health is not a concern of his.

I hope you nail his balls to the wall.

fareast posted 1/16/2019 18:32 PM

Itís not really playing games SpeedBump. Take a look in the articles section of the healing library for ďUnderstanding The 180Ē. It explains you can certainly communicate your flight times. But of course he already has it. But what you are doing is changing the dynamic and putting you in control. Not to punish him but so you can detach and think clearly about your options. He is used to the focus being on him and as a problem solver even more so for you. By implementing the 180 you can still be confident and cheerful, there is no need to be nasty or mean, but your focus is on you. As far as confronting and letting him have it verbally, I would suggest you try and wait until you have talked to your lawyer and know more of the legal landscape and your options. But the choice is yours. You are in control.

homewrecked2011 posted 1/16/2019 18:34 PM

This same thing happened to me, about the time Sandra Bullock found out about her H cheating. Do you remember how she refused to talk to him/about him? She was my role model!

Something I learned in SI about ďprovingĒ to him that he was lying was this post : a lady on SI said her WS came out of their bedroom and said he was just showing the AP a picture.
So, instead, go to an atty. see if you can file where you are, or if you need to file in the US.

What I did: I finally figured out what was happening (the cheating with the ďfriendĒ). I saw an atty. I paid for the filing for D with stashed $$$. The atty said heíd like to have me use a PI he recommended to get a couple of photos as leverage with dealing w WSís future atty. Cheating is a big deal in my state, SC. He said in SC the judge only needs a photo and deposition from a licensed PI of them alone in a house for 2 hours, or a photo of them kissing.Thatís it.

I still did not confront WS!!!!!

Then, my atty filed the legal separation papers.
I told WS I knew what he was doing and he needed to tell me everything. He lied. Said nothing going on. I still said nothing! I had him served the next day. The server said he went ghost white! he tried to deny it, I said, I donít care weíre getting a divorce. Leave me alone.
we had a hearing about 3 weeks after serving him. Once he was out of the house, (legal separation granted at the hearing), I went for 2weeks outpatient at a mental health center. I also had counseling during this time at a domestic violence center bc emotional abuse IS domestic violence.

We are divorced. I realized heís living on another plane of existence. Heís a nut and Iím better off without him. He needs a lot more help than Iím qualified to give him.

Heís married to OW. The kids say they fight all the time. I think thatís awesome, bc they always look so happy in public when I accidentally run into them.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 6:39 PM, January 16th (Wednesday)]

Furious1 posted 1/16/2019 19:06 PM

ChamomileTea, that post was absolutely fantastic! Wow! I'm going to have to save that one just to refer back to it from time to time. You totally nailed it.

SpeedBump, I don't blame you at all for not responding to his texts. There really isn't much of anything to say in light of his actions doing all of the talking. I hope the appointment goes well tomorrow.


ChamomileTea posted 1/16/2019 19:12 PM

Today, my H has texted a couple of times including asking when my flight arrived. I ignored it. Why should I tell him my schedule just so he can set up his play dates? Not only that but whenever I travel, I send him the details so it goes right on his phone calendar. If he just looked, it's all right there. He also followed up with, "well you must be busy since you're so quiet. Hope it's going well. Text me your arrival time." Crickets...

Then he sent just a "???" text. Still crickets. Here's the thing, I just hate doing what feels like playing games. Isn't that what this is? Who blinks first? I don't know. I feel like maybe I should reply but honestly, absolutely nothing comes to mind as to what I would say other than pounding out a ton of expletives telling him how I really feel. That's honestly what I feel like doing.

From here, it looks like you have three choices.

1) You can go ahead and let those expletives rip. Tell him you know everything, but refuse to tell him how you found out. In fact, you could even tell him to get out of your house and go sleep with the neighbor, since he's fucking her anyway. Very satisfying I would imagine. If you choose that route, let him know you don't want to hear any of his shit, that he's not welcome to talk to you about it, and that if he makes a scene you'll call the cops.

2) Nothing says "I'm done with you" like being done with someone. Crickets. He's bound to know the jig is up, but he doesn't know how much you know or what you plan to do about it. This is a good option if you're not going home before you leave for the states, I would think. It's also kind of satisfying to let a cheater stew and wonder. He will likely keep texting though.

3) Act like you don't know anything. You were just busy and you've had an embarrassing case of Montezuma's Revenge or whatever. By now, he's wondering what you know. But he REALLY hopes you're still in the dark. People tend to believe what they want to believe, so I don't think it would be a hard sell.

It all depends on what works best for YOU right now. It would be aces if you could see your attorney before confrontation, but if that's not working for you, it's not working. You have an absolute right to handle this any way you want.


TheGuy123 posted 1/16/2019 20:11 PM

I don't think you are playing games at all by not fact I think you are emotionally protecting your self.


Unless you really want to play games by sending him a selfie of you in sexy underwear....then send a quick text "sorry wrong number"....LOL

This is by far the worst advice ever but hey it's funny to think about.

Carissima posted 1/16/2019 20:15 PM

Just wanted to stay how well you're doing.

Please make sure you have your evidence backed up. If he gets a bit suspicious because you're not acting as suspected he may start destroying all traces of emails, photos, etc.

Good luck with your lawyers and please continue taking care of yourself!

SpeedBump posted 1/16/2019 21:38 PM


Unless you really want to play games by sending him a selfie of you in sexy underwear....then send a quick text "sorry wrong number"....LOL

Thanks for making me laugh.

I guess that is progress for me but here I am again for what is becoming my daily 3am rambling, as sleep continues to elude me.

H texted again asking could I please just answer his texts, all in caps! So I did, kinda, and told him all the info is in his calendar. He replied again with '???" So I replied with the same, "???" I then got "what's up with you? you haven't texted once since you've been gone and now you can't answer me?" I told him I did answer and the info is in his calendar so he asked me what was wrong with me and was I in a bad mood or something --- and it devolved from there because I started to really stew. So I send him, "yeah, that's what it is. I'm in a bad mood...smh...the answer to all our problems." He hates to argue and basically cut it off by saying, "whatever your problem is, we'll talk about it when you get home. Good night." And so I said the only thing that popped into my mind then..."I'm not coming home. Good night." And turned my phone off.

And that's where I'm at. I'm stuck but I guess I'm not going home now and I'm terrified to turn my phone back on to see how he responded. That was probably 3 hours ago. I did fall asleep for a few hours but here I sit.


[This message edited by SpeedBump at 9:48 PM, January 16th (Wednesday)]

ChamomileTea posted 1/16/2019 21:47 PM

It's completely okay for you to leave it at that until after you see the attorney tomorrow. Try and get some rest.


Stevesn posted 1/16/2019 23:33 PM

Hi Speedbump

Iíd say, if youíre gonna get into a text war with him without actually saying why, you might as well tell him you know. Donít have to tell him how you know.

But I recommend you not sink to his level. It wonít feel good for long.

It can be simple. ďI know what you and Ms NextDoor are doing. Iíll be home to legally end the Marriage your actions have destroyed. You broke my heart. Hope it was worth it. ď

Donít respond if he starts lying. Let him know that heís obviously chosen to leave your M and relationship so itís no concern of his anymore when you come and go.

I wish you strength. I recommend you go home but if you have a friend ask them to come with you to get your things. Stay elsewhere if you can and meet with the lawyer.

It will be a long road for him to show remorse and try to make amends. Itís not impossible, but very difficult after what he has done. The betrayal is so awful and disrespectful.

Donít worry about that for right now. There will be plenty of time to talk in the future. No need to rush into conversations about it.

Take care.

Freeme posted 1/17/2019 06:16 AM

Yes it would be best if you were able to talk with a lawyer first and get your ducks in a row but sleepless nights and extra stress isn't good either. If you don't plan to go home for awhile what do you still need in the house that can't be replaced? That he could take advantage of. (normally paper documents). Do you have separate accounts? You should consider taking half of the money out of any joint accounts you have and having your paycheck go into your new account moving forward. Financial advice would be better coming from a lawyer.

Once you feel secure in your accounts and are at your parents house for emotional support you could send him a quick text along the lines of.
"I know you are having an affair. I am going through a lot now and need time to process this and figure out my next steps. Please do not try to contact me as I work this out.

The key is to keep your emotions out of it. Keep the word count low and only tell him what you feel he needs to know.

If he follow up with a string of blame-shifting, gas-lighting... you can reply "I'm sorry you feel that way. As I stated previously I need some time to process this. Your lies and blameshifing are not helping me so I must block you."... and block him.

Do not feel bad. The games he and OW have been playing on you were abusive and sick. You are just trying to gather up your strength after such abuse.

The truth is I think he knows you know but he isn't going to admit anything because he doesn't' know how you know or the extent of your knowledge. You both know what's going on so it's not a "game".

I want to say that this is one of the worst cheating mental abuse strings I've ever read on here. I've seen where the WP and OP talk badly about the breadwinner text/email but not when they go out of their way to make the OBS watch their flirting/kissing/cheating and they make them feel crazy when they object.

I also have to say you sound so much stronger since you've gotten out of that house. You are going to get through this. You are going to finish that project at work and you are going to move on to bigger and better things.

Your WH and OW relationship seems to be built around you. Games involving you, talking about you... Once you are out of the picture they aren't going to have much left.

Stay strong.

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:46 PM, January 17th (Thursday)]

HouseOfPlane posted 1/17/2019 06:25 AM

Speed bump, your WHís descent from being totally in control of everything, to not in control of much of anything, has begun.

Go back and read those texts from a forensics perspective, asking yourself with each one, what is he really asking? What is he really trying to find out? Itís obviously not the details of your schedule.

I almost feel sorry for your WH, as his world gets ready to spin out of control. Weíve seen this play out here hundreds of times. The desperation to regain control. The anger, the love-bombing, the continual lying, struggling to get as much information as possible to help shape the lies and minimize the damage. Trying to cram that genie back into the bottle. It will be pathetic.

Listen and watch. It will all be endless attempts to manipulate you. Every communication with you now will not be a communication, it will be a manipulation. Knowing that leaves them painful to read but renders them harmless. See everything in that light and ask yourself, what is he really doing here?

You are actually seeing your WH as he really is right now, getting that glimpse behind the curtain of his soul. Iím guessing itís not who you thought he was. Itís brutal, seeing the truth of it, but the truth is the truth.

Eventually, and this does not happen immediately, he will actually be forced to look into the mirror and see that heís morally corrupt at his core.

But that is his problem, not yours. Give him as little as possible, retain all of your power and control and focus on you.

Youíre doing great Speedbump. Full speed ahead!

Furious1 posted 1/17/2019 06:59 AM

WTG on turning off your phone. And you don't have to tell him squat about why you aren't coming home or tell him what you know or don't know. Leaving him in the dark works just fine. Let the lawyer deal with letting him since he has clearly made his cheating and lying "your problem" instead of his problem.

You have every right to do whatever you need to so that you don't get sucked into that toxic game of gaslighting and psychological abuse. He deserves nothing from you given his complete lack of loyalty.

I agree that your WH will be all about regaining control over you. Everything that he does and says will be about shifting the blame onto you, making his choices in life your fault, and acting like you are overreacting by reacting at all to his cheating, etc. Now that he knows that you are not coming home, stop sharing your calendar with him. The more information that he has, the more he can use that to get to you. Change your calendar settings or your passwords or whatever you have to do so that he no longer sees where you are and where you are going.

Keep us updated on the meeting today.


Cooley2here posted 1/17/2019 07:56 AM

I looked up divorcing in th EU. It said you can use your consulate for names of lawyers familiar with divorce. If your marriage took place in the States you need a lawyer who is familiar with your state law. Each might be a little different. There is a bunch of info on the net.

pureheartkit posted 1/17/2019 08:36 AM

SB I think its good that you have your work, your loyalty to team members to focus on. You can be proud of who you are and the good that you do.

He wants to be two people at the same time. You can't be mean like this and also be loving and concerned. He's nervous and wants control back. You don't owe him anything. He already decided not to care and he actively manipulated you and thought it was a game. People we love aren't games pieces.

If you love living in that country stay. Stay and do good work and have good friends.

Whatever he says now is just words to control you. You don't have to listen if you don't want to. If you want to you can not hear another hurtful word ever again. They think they are clever. They are not. They are laughing at the pain of another. This is why you need to find peace away from them. You have so much to offer this world. The world needs your goodness. You need not suffer one minute more. Love to you speedy. The OW laughed at me too. She's not laughing anymore. Find your light dear one and shine.

realitybites posted 1/17/2019 11:51 AM

He hates to argue and basically cut it off by saying, "whatever your problem is, we'll talk about it when you get home. Good night." And so I said the only thing that popped into my mind then..."I'm not coming home. Good night." And turned my phone off.

I wish we had a "fist bump" icon on here.

Some days you just gotta say what you gotta say. May not be perfect, might have given away what you know, it was truthful and how you felt.... so I say good for you!

Now I hope you have gotten to the attorney and are starting to get some more info. I am sure your phone has blown up by your cheater/WS, I hope you are strong and doing what you need to do for you right now.

Keep pushing forward.

Stevesn posted 1/17/2019 12:15 PM

Checking in. How are you doing. What is happening. Can we help?

Lalagirl posted 1/17/2019 12:38 PM


I'm very proud of you - I know you're in tons of pain.

If I may make a suggestion - after you speak with your attorney, change your phone number - just give it to trusted F&F. He's going to drive you nuts with the texting which is going to lead to more texting and voice mail with abusive don't need to see/hear them.

Strength, sweetie...

edited for typo

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 12:39 PM, January 17th (Thursday)]

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