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Being played. Paralyzed.

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Stevesn posted 3/31/2019 06:57 AM

Don’t reply to her at all.

I think you and your H need to speak to an attorney about these threats.

In doing so, or if going to the police you may have to explain why she is doing this.

I know you gave the iPAD to WH. If he hasn’t deleted the text messages yet, advise him not to. You may need them as proof.

The AP sounds deranged. You don’t know what she’s capable of. So evidence that she was a more than willing participant in all of this may be good to save. Ask the attorney.

Dont engage with her. I’m worried for both of you.

I’m all for telling the neighbors what she has Threatened but talk to an attorney first.

beauchateaux posted 3/31/2019 07:04 AM

I agree with everyone. Do not engage, no matter how tempting. It’ll only make things worse, and if she’s going to act like a psychopath then you need to maintain your composure here. Unhinged people can be dangerous.

Consult your attorney ASAP about a course of action regarding the threats and ask him/her about their opinion on involving the authorities. Tell your WH about the emails - he needs to know that you are now being threatened, since he still lives next door to her. Even if you don’t R with him, you two need to be a team when it comes to dealing with her moving forward so he can have your back in case she does pull something.

And yes, continue to ignore her. She wants to still be relevant, and you need to send a clear message that she is not. That is the worst thing you could do to her.

In closing - WOW. What a nutjob.

NoOptTo posted 3/31/2019 07:48 AM

I agree with letting everyone you know that also knows her about her threats of hacking.

I would also ask your lawyer if it's ok to put up a banner infront of your house stating that OW has been sleeping with your WH from said time to said time. Married men beware. This happened near me last year. Husband caught his wife cheating. He posted a banner on his front lawn for months stating the two having an adulteress affair for every passer by to see. She eventually had to move out of town with the shame her to endure. Needless to say, they are D now. Find out if you can do that first if your so inclined. And as for your WH, it's just an other consequence he has to endure for his actions if he truly wants to R.

HouseOfPlane posted 3/31/2019 07:56 AM

She's an attention whore, for sure. She wants a response. Deprive her.

Do what you would have done if you hadn't "unblocked" her by reading the emails. Keep doing what you are doing.

But then take the emails to the authorities. You want this to be between her and the police, between her and normal society, not between her and you. Get a point of contact with the police and just forward the emails on.

Not your monkey, not your circus.

PricklePatch posted 3/31/2019 08:06 AM

Take these to the police or at the least an attorney. Make WH go as well. Get a cease and desist or restraining order. She is threatening your reputation and work.

M1965 posted 3/31/2019 08:18 AM

Hi Speedbump,

I agree with everyone else. My heart goes out to you as you deal with this, but you know what? That bunny-boiling nut-job has actually done you a huge favour by giving you digital evidence of her behaviour.

Nonsense like this needs to be dealt with legally. We may have very different ways we imagine handling stuff like this, but what she has done constitutes harassment, and through her emails, she has handed herself to you on a silver platter.

So as many others are saying, I recommend this:

1) Consult an attorney / lawyer immediately. Get them to send the OW an official letter telling her that any further threats, etc, will result in action. Basically, a 'cease and desist if you know what's good for you' letter.

2) Tell your WH. He needs to know exactly who the OW is, and what she is doing.

I understand why you would want to forward her emails to everyone, so they can see just how crazy and vindictive the OW is, but you need to discuss it with your attorney / lawyer. It would be awful if she ended up with grounds to sue you or take action because you shared her emails with others. Not saying she could, but you need to know what the situation is in the country where you are.

I have followed your thread from the beginning, and I want to tell you that if I could, I would give you a hug that would break world records for how long it lasts, and how heartfelt it is.

You really are an amazing woman, SB. Seriously.

I know you have been down on yourself about being physically different to the OW, interpreting that as being some kind of inadequacy on your part.

Let me say this to you as a man: the wonderful, beautiful woman and person that you are is abundantly obvious through everything that you write. As we get older in life, and we come to know ourselves, we also come to know the kind of person we want to share our life with.

I can honestly say that a woman with your mix of strength and vulnerability, intelligence and compassion, giving and supporting, is someone that any man with even half a brain would know is a 'keeper' to be cherished.

Please do not interpret the affair as some kind of reflection on you.

It happened because a child in a man's body and a spiteful, jealous, vindictive little girl in a woman's body ran into one another, and unleashed their respective shortcomings as human beings.

It. Was. Not. You.

It. Was. Them.

Speedbump, it breaks my heart that a person with your qualities might even for a moment internalise the shabby and awful way you were treated as some kind of by-product of a shortcoming in you.

There are lots of threads in these forums where betrayed men implode, wondering if their spouses' partners were better endowed physically or had better 'technique'. And I always feel like that is turning the situation on its head.

It is not down to them to question who and what they are; it is for their wayward spouses to examine why they failed their partners.

And similarly, it is not for betrayed women to beat themselves up thinking, "If I just had boobs like watermelons or an inflated rump like Kim Kardashian, this would not have happened".

No. No. No.

If a man chooses his life partner on that basis, send the idiot down to a cattle market to find his true love.

I cannot speak for all men, nor would I try to. However, I can speak for myself.

When I am in a relationship, my partner's body is the best in the world. That's my truth.

Sure, there may be women who are taller, more busty, yada yada yada. But you know what? All the other women on the face of the planet are not the woman I love.

Long, tall, short, fat...It doesn't matter. They are not my partner.

So please, Speedbump, banish any thoughts along those lines from your mind. Love yourself, for you are truly worthy of it, as everyone who has read your thread knows.

You are a treasure to be cherished, and that is all there is to it. If anyone else does not realise it, their blindness and lack of perception is a curse they will have to live with.

Please be good to yourself. You deserve it.

[This message edited by M1965 at 8:19 AM, March 31st (Sunday)]

Thanksgiving2016 posted 3/31/2019 08:22 AM

Sell the house Now. Every day she looks at that house she pines for your husband. Have him change his email address and phone number. Keep yours so you can be aware of the level of crazy but get a new email too p and start migrating over to it.

realitybites posted 3/31/2019 08:25 AM

Edited to add that I doubt you’d get a restraining order but a good cease and desist letter from a lawyer should give her due warning of serious repercussions for any continuing threats, harassment or contact from her.

Yes to the above^^^^.

Many a BS here thru the years ended up having a stalker or an AP that just could not let go and unfortunately email and social media allow them to still harass your life. They are not threatened by the BS because they have already gotten away with "winning" in their minds so you pose no threat at all, in her deranged mind.

But an official letter from an attorney, on their letter head to "back off or else" type of thing is well worth the couple of hundred bucks you might spend and THAT is when they know you are going very serious with this whole thing.

I am so sorry they you are seeing much more of this toxic picture and you now have to go into clean up mode to get this person out of your life. This is where we just look at our spouse and wonder how in the hell did you not know that this was going to blow up everything in your life and take your wife down with you? Yes it is her and she is crazy no doubt, but man... your H brought this all onto you. He was not only having an A, he was leading this toxic person right to your doorstep.

I used to look at my WS at the time and just say "Wow, you never had my back, you never thought about protecting me, you never ever thought about how bad it was to confide to an outsider about our life and our marriage and our deepest thoughts. To get what you wanted you threw me down the river."

How can you trust them when their decision making is always about them and what they want? And to get it they will step all over you.

whatIknowNow posted 3/31/2019 08:41 AM

When I am in a relationship, my partner's body is the best in the world. That's my truth.

Sure, there may be women who are taller, more busty, yada yada yada. But you know what? All the other women on the face of the planet are not the woman I love

Exactly. Marriage is an ALL-IN proposition. My time, attention and affection all go to my wife, I don't give two sh*ts about any other woman.

I don't think it is possible to have a great marriage any other way.

Furious1 posted 3/31/2019 09:01 AM

I would. The more people you expose her true character to, the less likely she will have the ability to present herself as a helpful person to other unsuspecting ex-pats in the future. There is no telling how many future victims you might be able to spare just by exposing her for what she is.

In addition to this though, I would contact an attorney to have them write a cease and desist letter to her to let her know that any further contact from her in any way is unwanted and will be considered harassment. I would make sure to print copies of the emails that she sent to you so that you can have a physical copy just in case she hacks or has someone else hack your personal accounts. If she continues to contact you, I would file harassment charges against her.


Odonna posted 3/31/2019 09:48 AM

Speedy, I am an attorney and urge you to consult a lawyer where you are ASAP. A cease and desist letter at a minimum needs to go out before your non-response to her three emails generates further fury. Go first thing in the morning.

And let WH know about them, because she copied him and his non-response will also provoke her. And he is within striking range next door. She might not be physically violent, but she is making threats at the same time as calling your behavior threatening, so her grasp on reality seems thin.

A lawyer can tell you whether there is enough there to involve the police, and a cease and desist letter will set the stage for police intervention if she continues with this behavior.

Finally, was the mutual friend copied on her emails?


[This message edited by Odonna at 9:57 AM, March 31st (Sunday)]

SpeedBump posted 3/31/2019 10:05 AM

Finally, was the mutual friend copied on her emails?


Hi Odonna, no. She had only me and WH on the follow-up emails. Thank you for the advice and tomorrow I will seek advice from my company's own legal department, at least looking for a referral if they can't provide the help I need.

Thank you to everyone who replied. Everything that has been mentioned is something I want to do. What I have not yet done is reach out to WH. I'm pretty hopping mad right now that he brought this upon us. My god what a 180 from the happy life we saw in front of us when we closed on that house.

Believe me, we are trying to sell the house. We are in an area that has a high concentration of ex-pats with a lot from the UK. Brexit is having an impact here and not in a good way for us now. Many with homes, either living here full time or only part of the year, have their houses on the market, too, since they are unsure what's to come. This means there is a lot of inventory right now and the time to sell has doubled from what was about 3 months on average a year ago to over 6 months now! Toss in a crazy neighbor and that might make it even harder! But the house is on the market and we are trying.

I'm trying not to be fearful but I am pretty teed off today, that's for sure. In the back of my mind, I'm also nervous about telling WH in case he does anything hot-headed and confronts her. Of course, there is also the chance he would contact her and start that communication up all over again so probably why I just haven't jumped on the phone to him. Me and my paralysis, at it again!

SpeedBump posted 3/31/2019 10:06 AM


Let me say this to you as a man: the wonderful, beautiful woman and person that you are is abundantly obvious through everything that you write. As we get older in life, and we come to know ourselves, we also come to know the kind of person we want to share our life with.

I can honestly say that a woman with your mix of strength and vulnerability, intelligence and compassion, giving and supporting, is someone that any man with even half a brain would know is a 'keeper' to be cherished.

Your words have me in tears, in a very good way. Thank you. From the bottom of my fractured heart. Thank you.

Odonna posted 3/31/2019 10:16 AM

PS: I echo what Stevesn said about telling WH not to delete anything on the iPad. If she escalates further you want to have the full universe of evidence available to you.

If you are too angry to speak to WH now, just send him a text or email saying you are receiving threats and are going to an attorney in the morning and will contact him after that. Tell him to preserve everything on the iPad and go to a hotel tonight and under no circumstances have any contact with crazy one. Be honest that you are too angry to have any contact with him at all until after you speak to an attorney tomorrow.

Shockedmom posted 3/31/2019 10:45 AM

Talking directly with your WH is going to make him realize the direness of the situation. This OW is dangerous. She may think you are willing to keep this threat quiet and may possibly escalate to much worse than a toxic email chain. Hopefully your legal department advises police intervention.

Your WH May choose to address this by confronting her on his own. He needs to keep no contact with her as well. The advice to keep the iPad intact is good. You may need as much evidence as possible for the police.

Again I am sorry about this mess your husband brought into your life however you have met the challenge head on. You don't hide from the horror, you are braver than you believe,

ChamomileTea posted 3/31/2019 11:12 AM

I agree with everyone who recommended a "cease and desist" letter. If you've never established that contact from her is considered to be harassment, it's time to do so. There are sample templates online if you want to do it yourself, but an attorney's letterhead is often more effective. Make sure that any response from you is to the point and not emotive if you decide to take a do-it-yourself approach. Be sure to get it notarized and delivered for signature so you've got a paper trail. After that, take any further contact straight to the authorities.

This OW thought she could play mind games with you. But you aren't easy meat. You're smart, strong, courageous, and professional. She's nothing in comparison, so make sure she knows that if she messes with the bull, she's gonna get the horns. Bullies don't stop until you stop them.

steadychevy posted 3/31/2019 16:06 PM

I agree with the others, SpeedBump. Lawyer up and do what you need to do.

I guess there was indications she was off her rocker when she insisted on sex in your house while you were in the shower. Now she's incensed because you park your car at your own house. How dare you.

I'm more concerned about you than your WH. However, your WH is in your house so there is cause to inform him. I like the idea of e-mailing him with the info and letting him know you're too upset with him for bringing this shitstorm into your life to talk to him right now. Thanks ever so much, asshole.

I second what M1965 said. Most (maybe all) would. As I've said before you are the prize. The grand prize. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I like the idea of the sign as suggested a page back, I think. I thought about having a sandwich board made on 4X8 plywood sheets for the back of my truck to park at the entrance the parking lot where my WW and he worked at noon hour and after work so all the people fleeing the office would see it. It was 7 years since WW had worked there. Just to let the husbands know they should beware of him. I didn't do it because, at that time, my daughters didn't know. They lived more than a couple of hundred miles away but I was worried it might make the news. Another regret over what I didn't do.

Ginny posted 3/31/2019 16:24 PM

I hope you have been able to have some peace today.

[This message edited by Ginny at 1:10 AM, April 1st (Monday)]

SpeedBump posted 4/1/2019 12:28 PM

So I did reach out to WH after I composed myself. I was pretty amped up after seeing her emails so knew I had to get grounded. I called him late yesterday afternoon and told him what she'd sent. I also told him I logged into his email to check if he'd seen them because I didn't trust him. Not very nice but it's the truth. He barked back a little a bit incredulous that I still think after all that's happened that I wouldn't think he'd tell me if he had seen them. I barked louder telling him he didn't have my back before, why would I think he had my back now?

I can tell how frustrated he is but he's trying to maintain his composure around me so he simply apologized that he exposed, and left me exposed to the crazy neighbor and brought her into our lives. I told him if he reached out to her about this I'd be really upset as I still am demanding NC. He agreed.

I told him I'd be speaking with my legal resources about it and would let him know. And I did speak with my legal department and we have a local attorney who spoke with me in confidence, for which I was very grateful. The most we can do at this point is send a cease and desist. He is hopeful the threats are idle but said good to be safe. Told me to change all my passwords and maybe lock things down further with 2-step Auth codes, etc. which I have done. He also gave me the name of a local IC who speaks English. Even though I am making progress with my online IC, I am going to consult with this one and see how it goes. IRL might be nice, too.

I did tell WH I was not and haven't been comfortable with him at this house alone next door to her, for many reasons, but now because of her threats. He understands and said he would also move out. He is going to look right away for a place but even said he'd move to a hotel for now. I don't know but for some reason it makes me sad. One more major change.

I do know that there has been no contact via the imessages, for sure. I saw no new contact, even as I had been visiting and obviously causing her to become upset, so unless they are communicating other ways, I haven't seen any ongoing contact. I also tend to doubt she would send me those messages and copy him if they were in contact. She seems pretty enraged at him, too, likely because she now sees they aren't riding off in the sunset together.

So another big thank you all to keep me from escalating the email war with the unstable AP. I have never had the urge to kick someone's behind but man do I feel a primal urge to want to throttle her! UGH!!!

Just thought I'd share a silly with you. I thought I'd try yoga so went to a studio I see on my way to work. Very nice people and offered to let me try a class for free so I went on Saturday. I'm definitely a novice and have only maybe tried it once or twice many moons ago. Well, yoga for a beginner is no picnic and talk about feeling like a total goof!!! But yoga for a beginner in another language....OH dear, I was so out of my element and lost that I just had to laugh at what a mess my life is!!! It was the perfect analogy - a total fish out of water for me! I think they got a good laugh out of my "Lucy does yoga with a non-English speaking instructor though!" Sure wish I'd had an Ethel with me! I promise you, it was not relaxing!

Odonna posted 4/1/2019 15:08 PM

Good news all around Speedy! The yoga mental image gave me a smile, ESPECIALLY because it made YOU smile!

That is a very important part of your own healing, so keep on trying new things, getting outside, engaging with people, being willing to be silly.

Thanks for coming here to be “talked off the ledge.” Admirable restraint!

And whenever the AP pops into your mind and you want to throttle her, just say quietly to yourself: “she must not be reading the books!”

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