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Being played. Paralyzed.

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Hurtmyheart posted 3/27/2019 11:48 AM

I find I can relate to your last post, Speedbump. My WH was looking at women and comparing me to women half my age and it hurt me very much. But in time, I realized if that is what he wanted then he should go for it! I actually found my self-worth through all of this negitivety. I found that I was enough even if my WH was portraying by "his" behaviors that I wasn't. After so much time of him doing this, I decided if he really wanted to date or to be with someone so much younger than him, someone whose life was just starting out, someone who had a great, young body but no life experience and not even in the same realm in life as he is, then I said go for it! Enjoy!!! Leave me alone and let me get on with my life!

Because of my WH behaviors, I found myself and my self-worth. I found out who I was and what I am about. I may be 57 years old but I am fit, active, still exercise and lift weights, and I also am other things that I now can describe as who I am.

Hang in there, Speedbump. You are still in the very, very early stages of your WH betrayal. It's time to figure out who you are and not to judge yourself by your WH ugly behaviors and actions.

I have a very hard time believing that you aren't attractive just by your following on SI. I am sure that this is not the place where you wanted to gain popularity but to me this is an excellent place to be, in yours and my position. Your compassion and personality alone speaks volumes.

Try not to compare yourself to your WH deceased wife, his past girlfriends and especially the OW because this is not who you are and I'm sure you don't want to be them anyway, esp OW. A persons body does not make them, unless we are that shallow and imature in life.

Oh yes, I also lost a lot of weight during my hard times and got the same reaction of concern from others.

This too shall pass when you are feeling better, you will put the weight back on and maybe then some. I hope you are going to the gym and lifting weights. It's a great way to get your health back and to gain some self esteem.

As I stated, I found myself and who I am through my hardships, as I'm sure you also will.

But a word of caution, nothing is the same after such deep portrayals as we all have experienced here. I still have triggers when he looks in the direction of other women. It reminds me of what a jerk my WH was. My brain goes into automatic protection mode. I'm also learning how to manage it because my WH asks me to look to him for comfort and safety when I experience a setback. And also so that he can prove he is no longer the person he became during those dark periods.

I really don't believe in the forgiveness part but moreso in acceptance of the past and learning better communication skills with each other and respect and understanding for the other persons feelings.

You have a ways to go, Speedbump and only you can decide the direction your new relationship with your WH is going to take. And he needs to be all in and completely honest if things are going to work out.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 4:21 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)]

Cooley2here posted 3/27/2019 13:13 PM

Proximity. Next door. She could have looked like a freak and he would have cheated. Christy Brinkley, princess Diana, Mrs. Billionaire Jeff Besoz and many more were cheated on. It boils down to character. You either have good values or you donít. Looks have nothing to do with it.

Stevesn posted 3/27/2019 13:23 PM

SB

Let me just say, itís nice to be able to discuss these things with you when you are not sick or in medical crisis. As small as that may seam, it was only a few short weeks ago that we were desperate to get updates on your health and collectively were worried about you so much.

I know you have a ways to go in your physical recovery, but you have already come so far that you now can have these deeper thoights and conversations with us. Finally Getting down to the true roots of what you need to work thru to find happiness.

Concerning your comments. I love my wife. As long as she will have me and we both stay health and alive, I will be absolutely her partner for the rest of my life. Does that make her the love of my life? Yes absolutely.

But if she left me, willingly or not, would I never find a love like that again, I canít say that either way.

I believe there are many people you can have wonderful romantic relationships with in your life. Those relationships will all be different. Will some of them be better than others? Maybe. But if they all would be great, what would that matter?

So was your ex husbandsí relationship with his dead first wife better? You donít know. You canít know. Especially since you havenít discussed it.

Was there infidelity with her on either side? Probably not. But maybe. Perhaps there were other hurtful times and issues.

So Iím not sure I believe in there being only one person in the world you can have a happy relationship with. I just believe you are lucky if you can find ONE OF THE people out there whom you can have a wonderful relationship with.

So, things fell apart for your H, he took a completely selfish path and he did awful things. Could this man become ONE OF THE people again that you can love and be loved by? Yes he can.

But that will take work from him. And he needs to be in IC to do that work. So again, with no promises made to him, I suggest you tell him that IC with a US style therapist is a deal breaker for you. Tell him you wonít work with him on recovery without him being in IC.

Finally, when I was reading your last post, I kept saying in my mind ďshe needs to be telling him all thisĒ. And then when, at the end, you said you were going to, I cheered (even clapped for a second sitting here in my desk chair).

This needs to be part of your communication with him. This needs to be what you discuss. He needs to know these thoughts and feelings from you.

I am sure he will protest the idea that he doesnít see you and your ďstyleĒ as beautiful. That doesnít mean that he doesnít see many different styles as beautiful. I think we all do that.

Donít let him off the hook about not believing him, but give him a chance to prove it to you.

One other thing, tell him you need to hear about his first wife. Tell him to be open and honest with you about her from now on. Ask him to tell you 3 things he loved about her and 3 things that bothered or annoyed him about her. Real relationships have those things. She canít be a ghost between you any more. He needs to be able to discuss her and you need to be willing to hear it.

Time is on your side my friend. There doesnít need to be a rush here.

Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:28 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)]

Booyah posted 3/27/2019 16:22 PM

I agree in not bottling this up.

You're going to jump all around in the grieving process but it's good to see you angry!!

Furious1 posted 3/27/2019 17:47 PM

Speedbump, I am so sorry that your WH's A has magnified your insecurities. I think this is a part of the aftermath of the A that hits a lot of us BS's hard. No matter how awesome each of us are, we all have to deal with the thought of our WS's cheating on us with someone who was either hotter or not so hot. Please read the post in this forum titled "They Always Affair Down" or something like that. It has helped many of us cope with this struggle.

I would like to flip this script just a moment if you will indulge me. You state that you have fears of not being enough for your WH or for any other relationship going forward. I want to make it very clear that YOU. ARE. ENOUGH. On paper or in the flesh, you are enough.

With that said, how is it that your WH could ever be enough for you. He lies. He cheats. He hopped in bed with the most convenient opportunity he could find. He was horribly cruel with his mind games and gas lighting of you. In light of that, I have to question whether or not he is or will ever be enough to be a good husband to you or anyone else for that matter.

You are enough. Your WH...well, he's not nearly as enough as you are. So whenever you question whether or not you are enough, you are. And it's time to question whether or not your WH is enough for you going forward.

F1

childofcheater posted 3/27/2019 17:56 PM

Good luck tonight SB!!

heartbroken_kk posted 3/27/2019 18:08 PM

Hi speedbump, I can relate so much.

I'm bald. I have an autoimmune condition and do not grow hair, anywhere. I wear a wig. At the time of the affair I was overweight, and depressed, and a tomboy who didn't wear makeup, and (insert other things to be insecure about).

The OWs were all gorgeous, stunning good looking, hair hair hair, makeup and nails, all the things I'm not and won't ever be.

I told him how much it hurt me. You know what? It turned out to be some weird morph of the pick-me dance, where I felt I needed to point out my good qualities for the sake of my own self esteem, and make him see what he was losing.

I have to tell you that getting out of that relationship with the cheating, lying, and narcissism, was such an important thing for me to do - for me. I realized I didn't want to be with him because I knew I'd never find my equilibrium again. Who wants to be with somebody who you know thinks being with you is "settling"? Nobody.

Being single is SO much better than being judged by myself and my WH and falling short.

Yuck, it's so pointless. You are who you are! My healing included the very important step of truly coming to self-acceptance, self-love, self-esteem, and embracing that the person whose attraction to me that matters the most, is me. Me. I love me. I am the right person for me. I am enough for me. I don't need that external validation. It's so freeing. I don't have to work at being lovable to somebody else. I don't have to worry about being compared to anybody else.

I urge you not to go to him seeking validation or acceptance or apologies. It's not going to do much to help. Maybe a temporary boost from a good vent, but it's not a necessary part of your journey back to health and happiness. Don't put your energy there!

The1stWife posted 3/27/2019 18:15 PM

My condolences on the passing of your friend.

NoOptTo posted 3/27/2019 18:30 PM

You should never settle for trade off Speed. You are who you are. Understanding who you are and having anxiety that you are not as worthy as someone else is all too common. The thought that your not the love of someone else's life should not be acceptable to you. Being a trade off for having the comfortable life you envision only hurts your happiness in the end. I have a friend at the age of 55 that has just learned what loving caring relationship is this past year. She had married a man that wasn't into her. She divorced after 12 years. She chose to cheat on him after all the neglect rather then just Divorce. She has since realized what she did was wrong, has become friends with her exhusband. Figured out her issues and lives a better life. She had a few boy friends that were all self centered. She finally found a person that is truly into her for her now. There is open communication, respect, compassion and passion.

So please, even though your mind is running wild with you'll never be good enough. Yes you are good enough. You've found your strength to move out of infidelity. As you get further through this, you will see that you have become a stronger person for surviving this trial in your life. You deserve to feel cherished for who you are. Don't settle for anything less.

Shockedmom posted 3/27/2019 20:02 PM

For me the catastrophic loss of confidence as a woman was paralyzing. I donít think this is unusual with infidelity. You do have worth and beauty even if you canít see it right now. Keep working with your therapist on self esteem.

I hope you find yourself in a better place after meeting with your WH tonight. I envy you your strength to face this head on. You are highly regarded by many here.

Mizzbak posted 3/28/2019 00:17 AM

Speedbump,
I suspect almost all BS's fall into this trap - making the assumption that our waywards saw more "value" in the AP than they did in us. That we are somehow substandard and not sexy/intelligent/thin/curvy/wealthy/well-endowed etc. enough.

But considered intellectually, this must be false. Most affairs aren't about choosing between two realities. About valuing one over the other. They are about augmenting one reality with an incredibly unhealthy and damaging fantasy. And pretending that there won't be consequences.

We all have needs and voids. But the lack in your marriage, in your most intimate relationship, the part that wasn't enough for your husband? That is completely within him. You could have been Helen of Troy, Catwoman and Marie Curie (insert suitable model of female awesomeness here) rolled into one. You could have been custom-built, designed to be completely his type. And the affair would still have occurred.

Because it really isn't you, it's him.

Your husband chose to try and fill his emptiness in an incredibly delinquent way. It was cruel and disgusting. But he and his AP weren't trying to build anything together. Everything they did was just about painting a layer of slime over the top of your marriage. I'm not going to speculate about their individual reasons, although I suspect that they are inherently pathetic. But I will go so far as to say that without you in the equation, their affair relationship probably has neither context nor meaning. It was never about something real.

It was never about who you are or aren't. Please believe that.

Edie posted 3/28/2019 02:42 AM

Itís hard to think logically when the emotions are jumping around with their hands in the air clamouring for attention.

But itís good to try and focus on thinking straight and to write down some points for when everything goes fuzzily anxious again.

- your OW was highly jealous of you, to the extent that taking you down was the primary motivator in her actions. That means she recognised or at least feared your superiority to her across the board, whether that was physical cuteness to grace and poise to intellectual aptitude. It was about her insecurities in relation to your attributes that clearly must have unhinged to the point of such malevolence. Difficult to grasp if you donít think that way, but it seems she needed to knock you off some kind of pedestal.

- ditto your WH. It was never the choice between two women - but rather between two men. The self respecting, loving, confident, whole husband, and the deceitful, cheating, insecure, half man (the binary could be extended across so many qualities and lack of). He made the wrong choice, and still does not know why. Iím quite flabbergasted that he doesnít seem to be addressing this at all. He cannot fully choose the right man now, until he understands the other (in him) - and the choice he made and continued to make. He cannot cite/ blame the reckless gravity of the slippery slope without realising and acknowledging to himself he had choices at every point on the descent - no matter how rapid the slide, he was not in freefall, he did not need to go the bottom, but to dig his heels in and climb back up.

I remember once early after Dday somehow looking to my WH for affirmation (that I wasnít the hag discarded for the younger model). I only made that mistake once, I knew as soon as Iíd uttered the self criticising words that I was looking in the wrong place for any kind of validation - it wasnít worthy, trustworthy, it was blinded by its own egotistical concerns (and at that point highly inflated by OWís flattery) and that ultimately healthy self regard or rather reassurance had to come from me and only me. And I despised myself in that moment for looking to my lying betrayerfor any crumbs of comfort. Luckily Iíve since learnt to be kinder to myself and less judgemental, seeing that the moment of weakness was completely natural.

Luckily this was early after Dday and I could see where I had to begin to focus, looking into myself and only myself to rebuild confidence. This meant starting to do more self care (me quite tomboyish, feminist type so hadnít bothered much before) in terms of appearance than before, not for him, for me.

I will bump the Honey, They Always Affair Down thread; as Furious suggests, it is very helpful in extrapolating and revealing the underlying dynamics of the situation.

Ah, itís already been bumped - great!

[This message edited by Edie at 2:58 AM, March 28th (Thursday)]

SpeedBump posted 3/28/2019 09:23 AM

I wanted to give an update about last night. No surprise but it was a super emotional and I am so exhausted today that I called out of work for the day. First I want to update that I was surprised to learn that WH has an IC. After our co-conference with mine, he researched and found an online IC, too. I canít tell you how much that shocked me but also am glad he has someone to talk to now. He said itís hard looking at himself through this new lens but it was necessary. He says no one could be more disappointed in himself than he is for what he did to me and who he became, except of course, me. He also doesnít know how to approach me about any of this so is seeking help with that. He conveyed he wants to respect my boundaries about the separation and contact only on my schedule but also says he feels desperate to reach out to me all the time.

Turns out he also has been spending some time with the husband of a couple we have met since we have lived here and is talking with him about our situation. He hoped that was OK with me but said it has really been helping see things from my perspective. This guy, a very grounded older (than us) gentleman, had a first wife who cheated on him and left him. He was always pretty upfront about that, calling his current wife his ďfirst real wifeĒ and that the first one was a fake. I was surprised WH was spending time with him but he said he has been the only person he has reached out to and felt this man would tell it to him straight. They meet up a couple times a week for coffee or a beer and he says the guy definitely challenges him and his thinking. Friend has told him he got caught up in the ďinfidelity BS trapĒ by a predatory AP but she had nothing to do with this and he needed to forget her and deal with his own issues. So seems like he is getting info that sounds good to me. He said after the first few times they met up, the guy called him on his crap and told him he never wanted to hear one more word where he complained about AP. Apparently thatís what he was doing and so now he doesnít. He now agrees and sees it is all on him. She wasnít in his marriage, only we were. He let her in. He let it all happen. It is all on him. So I think he gets that. What he doesnít know is why or how and he definitely doesnít know what to do about me either, how to approach me, help me, be here for me or even to convey to me that he wants to be. He says I have closed myself off to him, he knows why I have, but he wishes we could talk and each other more often.

So thatís where we started. I told him I was glad for him he had that and that I was there to tell him a few things. I took the advice given here and prepared a mental list of the 3 core items I wanted to bring up so I could stick to my intent and pull things back on track should we wander from those topics. One of those items is really going to make you all cringe, but so be it and not it is done.

I handed him the iPad. I didnít want it to have any more power over me. It sat on a shelf in my bungalow literally mocking me. So that had to stop. I also wanted him to know exactly how much I knew and that it was way worse than he could have ever imagined. And man did the floodgates open for him. I told him I didnít want him to read through it now, in front of me, but he needed to see what I saw and if he was really now looking at things from my perspective and trying to truly be empathetic, when he read through it, if he was going to, then he should read it imagining he was me. He needed to feel it from my perspective. He openly cried and had a very hard time pulling himself together. He really thought AP sent something to me because he said she was getting pushy about them being together so he didnít put it past her. He was literally shaking after the realization hit him on what he was going to read there. All his texts were backed-up to icloud so while he had deleted them from his phone, he knew what I had and it seems it was far worse than he imagined. After I left, he called me late last night just wanting to apologize over and over and we cried together. It was truly horrible but Iím glad itís out and now I can release those nasty texts and work on letting it all go. They really had a horrible hold over me and I feel some relief letting him deal with it now.

I had to go to my mental list to bring the conversation back on track and told him to just deal with that later, on his own time. So I brought up deceased wife. I told him I have tip-toed, danced around, been overtly kind and caring about her for far too long. I told him I would always be very sad for them that she died so young but that I was done allowing her in my marriage, no matter where it went from here. He ring-fenced her off from me which gave her an unnatural importance to me, which could be my problem, but his refusal to ever talk about her has left me feeling horribly insecure about all of it. I told him if he couldnít get over her, then he never should have remarried and left me alone. He had her on a pedestal and I wasnít going to continue to respect that in my marriage. I was here, the person in real life with him now and if he couldnít or wouldnít see me as his real wife, then he did both of us a massive disservice and it wasnít fair and horribly selfish. I told him he needed to figure that out in any possible future relationship because others might not be as kind and meek as I was about her. I felt bad speaking ill of the dead but I said it was impossible she could have been the saint he believes she was, no one is perfect and Iím certain she had flaws but at this point, based on the way he had handled the subject of her, I was pretty sure the sun shined out her ass and left glitter everywhere she went. I was tired of feeling like he worshipped her and worse that I wasnít even in the same sphere of love and respect he had for her. I was done about the subject of her and there was never a time in our relationship where I made him feel ďless thanĒ my previous relationship, which ended amicably, by the way. Every now and then he would bring up the father of my daughter and kind of make a joke about him in order to make himself feel ďbetterĒ or just more important to me. I told him I never once did that about any of his past relationships but I certainly also never made anyone feel more important than him and so long as I was married to, I would respect that.

His response? ďIím so sorry. If you felt this way, why didnít you ever say anything? Ē O.M.G. peeps! These WSes really do have their heads shoved so far up their backsides that canít see reality can they? I reminded the many times I tried to gently ask a few questions and the way he would shut it down. I repeated the ways he would close the topic. ďIím not comfortable discussing this with you. Itís not an appropriate conversation for us. We shouldnít discuss past relationships. Itís weird you want to discuss my past relationship.Ē And on and on. Wow. He didnít deny all these things were said and all he could do was apologize and assure me I was every bit as an important person in his life and she was no more important to him than I was other than she was also the mother of his son. He said that yes, he loved her. They had a good and mostly happy marriage. He was devastated to lose her but their marriage was not a fairy tale and it never meant more to him than our own, other than the fact he also had to deal with a son losing his mother and that was his focus. He believes he probably placed her in a protective status for his sonís sake. He wanted his son to always know what a wonderful person she was, how much she loved him, how sad she was to leave him at such a young and impressionable age and how hard it was to deal with that. He said it was probably easier to see her as the perfect mom and person for that reason and to live it full time was the best way to keep that image up. Never talk bad about her. Keep her memory alive for his sonís sake. In that regard, she took on a ďlarger than life or what might be considered healthyĒ in his life. He was sorry I was made to feel inferior but he sees how his responses to me would make me feel that way and, yes, of course, he was very sorry and it was never intended.

At that point, I had to take a step back. I never looked at it from the point of a view as a father, losing his sonís mother and what that meant to his child, and I have to admit, it made me feel thoughtless and small. How if it were me, I would want to make sure my child had nothing but fond and loving memories of a parent lost too soon. And then I understood it a little better. It was enlightening. It didnít completely alleviate him of the way it made me feel but it started to make more sense. As a parent, I get it. I cried and told him that for the last time, I was going to tell him I am sorry he lost her but I mattered and I deserved to feel loved, protected and prioritized in MY marriage and feeling second place to a dead woman was no longer acceptable or fair to me. If he couldnít do that, our marriage died when she died as there was never any hope for a healthy future marriage for him. The mystery of his first wife was ending right then and there. Her legacy would never again make me feel ďless than.Ē

And lastly, I had to ask, ďWhy her?Ē What was it about her? I was so different from her and no matter what I did to change myself physically, I could never, nor would I want to, be her. If that is who or what he wanted, why chose me so many years ago? Why deny yourself what you really want? And he fell all over himself to try to convince she was nothing to him, it wasnít her, it was him. He was trying to figure that out but now, in hindsight, she is nothing. She canít hold a candle to me. She is shallow, mean-spirited and heís even worse for allowing things to happen with her but heís sorry. He canít undo it but he wants to make it better and be better. I told him I am so bruised and battered, so impacted in so many ways from his actions that I canít see how this ends, gets better, can be fixed or anything. I told him I loved what we were building together and thought he did, too, but he pissed all over it and now itís all ruined. I told him I was blown away that he could be this person. That I hoped he could figure out how he could treat me the way he did and that if he indeed planned to read those messages again, with this new lens, he should prepare himself. He might not survive it, if I really mattered to him. I told him he should know that I had full copies of every text they sent to each other and even if he deleted everything, it will always be there, hanging over our relationship and marriage. They would NEVER go away. And he did that. All of it. Then I asked that had it been me and the roles were reversed, what would he do. He told he didnít want to answer because he knows he'd leave me for being that person but he didnít want to influence me because he didnít want me to leave him. But he would walk away and never look back under the same circumstances.

He ended by reiterating he was disgusted by his behaviour, by her, by all of it. He was in awe of me, my strength, my handling of all of this. He was sorry for the physical impact it has had on me and even if I saw myself as inadequate, less than anyone, I was wrong. Dead wrong. He was an idiot for making me feel that way but he sees now that his actions and reactions did do that and he was sorry. He said he probably enjoyed having that ďholdĒ over me. It was some kind of ďinsuranceĒ that he had the upper-hand and it meant he had some control. But deep down he probably really thought I had the control in our relationship and that scared him.

He loved me, all of me and he missed me and wanted us back together. I was and am his idea woman. I woman who gave her all to her relationship, a beautiful woman inside and out and he was again sorry he didnít make me feel cherished and loved and that he had failed me miserably. At this point, heíd take whatever I would offer, even if it was just to be friends, but he wanted me in his life.

You can imagine, a ton of tears and just an exhausting discussion. Weirdly we ended by discussing the house and the progress and getting it sold. How we saw a long future in this house for us and how very different it turned out for us. At the end of the night, he said he couldnít hold it in any longer but wanted to know if I saw any future for us as a couple. I was honest and said I had no idea but for now, I was staying where I was until the answer became clearer. That maybe we could talk more about that later but not today.

I told him I was exhausted and was leaving. He asked if he could come with me and I said no. And then I left.

And now Iím here. Bruised. Battered. Tear-stained cheeks, messy hair and still in pjs. And alone.

Pitiful.

Sallie2 posted 3/28/2019 09:54 AM

Oh Speedbump, Bravo!
I know you are exhausted and emotionally spent from that, but once you have had some rest, look back at that as a triumph! You did great!
You were honest and spoke your truth. Sounds like he did as well. Pain is growth, and it allows us to heal. You need to feel it, to process it and to start to move past it. It takes a long time, but it can be done and when I read how strong you are, how honest and raw you are being, I know you will get through this, one day at a time.
With this kind of honesty and putting everything out there I do believe you are building a strong foundation for your relationship to start over and grow to something new. You are not sweeping anything under the rug, you are dealing with everything head on. Wow! That is so brave!
I am in awe of you. You have handled this like a champ.
He does sound truly remorseful. He sounds like he is looking at a lot of hard truths about himself. That takes courage as well. He did an awful, terrible thing, that will have repercussions for years to come, but he is facing up to that.
I would let him keep working on himself, keep discovering his truths, but also keep communicating with him. Our MC told us that statistics show when a couple heals together, they heal better individually as well. That doesn't mean you have to stay together, only you can decide for yourself if that is right for you, but I wouldn't make that decision for 6 months to a year. Watch, talk, communicate openly and honestly and see if you can build from here.
You are doing great!

susieque2 posted 3/28/2019 10:25 AM

{{{{Speedbump}}}}}

You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for -- very few people would have the courage to have the conversations you've had with WH.

Honesty and being able to verbalize your pain is what will heal you and perhaps your relationship if you choose that path.

Think of it as lancing a boil and releasing all the infection that has been brewing under your skin --- you are releasing the pain and feelings of not being 'good enough' that you've been holding in your heart.

You're an amazing woman Speedbump ---- tattoo that on your forehead so you're reminded of it everyday!

I believe WH is remorseful and I applaud his actions so far but he has some deep seated issues he needs to face and conquer. If he can do that then it may be enough to start Marriage 2.0.

Sending you strength and just know that you have so many rooting for you and cheering you on.

Hurtmyheart posted 3/28/2019 13:51 PM

Speedbump, I'm glad you shared the iPad with your WH. How else are you going to heal without complete honesty and transparency from both sides??

Have you thought about opening up to him and allowing him to read your post on SI? And also allowing him to join the Wayward side?

It's now all about complete honesty and transparency, allowing each other to be vulnerable and to begin the healing process.

Marriage is about two people who come together as one. To live, love and protect. It's about sharing openness, vulnerability, being able to share everything with each other and leaving nothing in the dark.

I did not hide anything from my WH...my feelings, thoughts and anything I felt I had to say. Even if it got ugly, I felt he had to know. And it did get crazy ugly for quite some time. Still does on occasion. And like your WH, my WH would do anything to gain my love and trust back. Anything! But remember, it is a work in progress. Healing and getting things right takes a long, long time, maybe for the rest of your lives. But it's okay because this is the change we all are seeking!

I believe when two people go through something as horrible as this, there can be a rainbow at the end of this dark tunnel. I believe once the emotions begin to settle, get the house sold and develop better communication skills between the two of you, your marriage can flourish.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 1:53 PM, March 28th (Thursday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 3/28/2019 14:37 PM

If you do choose to tell him about SI, maybe wait until he digests the information about the iPad. I'm pretty sure is he already on overload.

inthedark99 posted 3/28/2019 14:39 PM

ummmm, WOW speed bump. standing ovation for you. well done. the wisdom, strength and courage you have shown since youíve been served this $hit sandwich from your ws has been nothing short of extraordinary. the fact that you were confident and able to share the iPad and face how it has made you feel and literally hand that hurt over to your ws is simply amazing. just brilliant to let HIM now own that hurt. itís been taking up space in your head and your heart and itís now his turn to carry that weight.

keep posting here, you are helping more people than you know. and we are all still rooting for you.

[This message edited by inthedark99 at 2:43 PM, March 28th (Thursday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 3/28/2019 14:54 PM

My WH told me to tell you to not hold back. Take the kid gloves off and blast him like he did to you. I will honestly tell you that I didn't hold back and I did blast my WH on multiple occasions to where the cops had to get involved one time. This is how angry and hurt I was but I also knew I loved my husband.

The cops thought I was drinking or on drugs but nope, WH told them that he hurt me deeply and he knew he did.


It was actually quite an embarrassing and humiliating time but on the other hand, I got my point across.

My WH told me to tell you not to worry about how your your WH is currently feeling because he wasn't concerned about how you were feeling when he continued to destroy your life and marriage.

Another thing, my WH stayed by my side no matter how I felt it what I said. It actually helped me in the long run because I was on an extreme roller coaster ride of emotions. It was horrible! Worst time of my life and still sometimes have some dips but trying harder to control myself today. Enough time and healing has passed for me to be able to do that.

I have hope for both you and your WH.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 2:59 PM, March 28th (Thursday)]

free2016 posted 3/28/2019 15:29 PM

I would still caution about trusting him. He was sure that AP told you about the A and might have felt betrayed by her. Now he knows she was 'loyal' to him all this time and she is still an option.
I'm surprised that many advise to be vulnerable with him, only a couple months after DDay. He did terrible stuff to SB and personally I would not let walls down no matter how remorseful he appears at this point. Use him as you feel necessary for your healing, share or not your pain, but do not trust him.
M 2.0? Too early IMO... He clearly stated that if roles were reversed, he would have walked away without looking back.... What did he do to make SB loved, desired, appreciated so far? She has her insecurities magnified and she'd have to deal with them for the next couple years at least. And he had his fun time...
It feels that loneliness pushes SB to seek his company, in addition to a betrayal trauma, when a victim is trying to understand the perpetrator's mindset and emotionally hooked to WS.
It is normal to want to have these discussions, unload the pain on WS and why not? But to speak of the M 2.0.... In a few months the shock will subside, he will get some acceptance of his cruelty and will be eager to move on and work on M, which he betrayed because he will be highly motivated to prove to himself that he is not a moron who could do such nasty things to his wife. For SB it will be another story...
I believe that actions and cruelty like this must have the most serious consequences. He is appalled at his actions and cries? So he should, cry every day for hurting his wife.
I like your approach SB, you envisioned a future with him, he ruined it, there is no return to a pre A time and now the future is uncertain for the next few months. This is the most appropriate response in the circumstances.
It is very sad but M is over...He chose to end it. This is a fact and he should not be given an easy chance for another one, if he ever to learn to respect and appreciate his wife.

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