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Being played. Paralyzed.

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Cooley2here posted 3/20/2019 22:50 PM

It would be nice to know why he got pleasure from tormenting you.

LMYE posted 3/21/2019 03:16 AM

Just a thought about the friends situation. Maybe check out international as a low key way to get involved in your area. It's not a dating site but rather a way to meet groups of people in the community that share common interests. Could be anything from tech to art to hiking,and so on. Do your best not to isolate and keep your chin up.

Sallie2 posted 3/21/2019 11:28 AM

Hi Speedbump, sounds like you are navigating your way through this nightmare like a champ.
Whatever you decide to do with your husband is up to you. There is no right or wrong, it is what is right for you.
I posted this to another poster today, and thought I would share with you as well. When I first found out I joined a support group in my area for betrayed spouses. The facilitator there told me to try to find something positive I could focus on. In my devastated state I could not think of anything positive. He said you do have something positive, you have a remorseful spouse, not everyone gets that. By the sounds of it, you have a remorseful spouse too. We see lots of posts on here of spouse's who are not remorseful, continue the affair, don't know what they want, won't go to counselling, blame the BS. It sounds like your husband is doing everything you ask of him. It sounds like he is remorseful. I would hold on to that as hope. We all need hope in this mess.
I would keep contact, keep communicating, start dating and talking about the crap that happened and see if there is hope. But I warn you, it takes a long time. It's been a year for me, and I love my husband, but there are still a lot of days when I hate him and I am very angry.
Yes, your husband did a terrible thing, but so did all of our spouses, that's why we are here.
As long as he is remorseful, you have a chance to make it through this, but only if you want it. It's up to you, and it is not a decision you need to make right now.
Good luck to you! Sending you good vibes.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 3/21/2019 18:32 PM

Speedbump - I haven't commented on this thread before but something you said made me so sad - for both of us.

I TOTALLY understand what it is like to be miles and miles and miles away from anyone know know and can actually, really trust in the world. I moved about 3000 to be with my now WH and I have no friends here - only co-workers. Our "circle" of friends were entirely his here - I too keep my work and private life mainly separate. I have been loathe to break that boundary and now I guess I wish I had as I am 100% alone.

I hope you can do better than I at meeting people via meetups or whatever - but don't dispair if it feels "fake" or superficial to you at first. It has for me, and it still does but I'm hopeful that maybe I will make a friend as I'm stuck here for work for the next 18 months...which seems like a bit of a prison sentence.

I wish this wasn't my life - and I am taking a lot of strength from you as you aren't as far out as I am and yet you seem to be on a faster path to where you need to be. I can relate to your feelings about your WH - I've had a d-day2 after a year of false R and I wouldn't wish it on anyone so the whole struggle to stay away from that possibility is real.

Stay strong and keep posting - you are helping more of us than you know.

SpeedBump posted 3/22/2019 06:49 AM

ThisIsSoLonely -

I can't believe how similar our stories are. Being so far from our roots does add a different dimension to have to deal with through this hell. WH and I did a pretty good job of integrating and making some friends here, mostly through online groups in similar, ex-pat situations. I now feel too strange, with all that is happening, to continue to engage with everyone. We don't know people well enough to unload this kind of crap on them. It pretty much sucks but that's where my head is. I'm sure people would be kind and helpful, no doubt, but perhaps it's just shame and embarrassment I don't want to deal with at this point. To be honest, I also just don't want to fall apart talking about it with new friends.

I'm burying myself in work and now that Spring is here, I'm getting out and walking / hiking in my new area. It's pretty lovely, even though also oppressively lonely. I do still think of visiting places on my own and might soon think of planning a weekend away.

I know many have asked how husband has explained the overt objective to hurt and play with me during the affair. This is where he usually starts to lose it and can't really string a cohesive thought together and mostly mumbles that he doesn't know why or how he let it get to the level it did but he seemed very seduced and intoxicated with her. He said the day she came over and to "do it" before we went to the movies and I was in the shower, she was almost animalistic in tearing away his clothing and making it happen even though he knew it was sick and twisted. He said he had to force himself to forget it happened almost immediately so he could act normal around me less than 15 minutes later. And she took pleasure in knowing what they had done just minutes before. She took to rubbing his leg in the movie and trying to get him to hold her hand. I do remember he went to the bathroom and when he came back he made me move a seat next to her so I was in the middle instead of him. In his mind, this was him setting a boundary. How incredibly pathetic, right? It's ok to screw her while I'm home but holding hands in the dark is his limit? Ok, got it!

Ugh, I hate that I go back to these thoughts but they creep in my head at any moment, like now. And it sucks and hurts so bad. I try not to but sometimes I text WH and tell him how bad I hurt. And I feel weak. I tell him I want him to hurt as badly as I do but he'll never be able to and so I will never be better and we won't ever be "even". That the only way for us to ever move forward is for me to deal with the injustice. It is all on me, either way. R or D. It is all on me. And it is so not fair. And all he can do is apologize and berate himself and promise never to ever hurt me again. But the damage is done.

So lost. So broken.

[This message edited by SpeedBump at 6:51 AM, March 22nd (Friday)]

Edie posted 3/22/2019 07:01 AM

It's ok to screw her while I'm home but holding hands in the dark is his limit? Ok, got it!

I am not in any way denying his agency in any of this, but only to say she really was out to get you. And he didn’t see that, so wasn’t ‘playing’ the same game as her and is probably still trying to fathom that (him being played as well).

I accept my opinion on this differs from others. I do feel that my initial instincts on this do seem to have be borne out from their very different response to being found out, one being highly remorseful, the other hateful.

Cooley2here posted 3/22/2019 08:29 AM

This is going to be an epistle. First I 100% agree that this was a predator after your husband and trying to destroy you. I am sure she is gloating at the fact that you are so unhappy. Do I think your husband was a total idiot? Yes. There’s a term “pixelated” that describes him exactly. The issue is a man with too much time on his hands and a woman with a really good come on. I read somewhere that a man has a difficult time turning down an attractive predatory woman. There are posters on here who are strong enough to say no but there are so many men who have fallen for this. This is no excuse for him at all. It is that from what are you writing there was a trainwreck in his future. Not only a train wreck but it went off the rails in glorious technicolor. First I would find out if he cheated on his first wife. If that’s his modus operandi there’s very little hope because it is now part of who he is. If he was true to her and say he loves you then you need to whittle this down to the nut inside the shell. What happened to make this man, who swears he loves you, take such a terrible step? There is a set pattern to this as it is in almost affair. She gives out hints, he flirts a little bit, and step by step they walk into an affair. But then it gets even uglier because they begin playing with you. This hard part is where you make him tell you what he was getting out of it. Why, if he was having such a good time in the affair, would he jeopardize it by allowing things to happen where you could find out. If he was into the affair and wanted to keep it a secret he did a terrible job. There was something so sick about what she was doing but it is so puzzling why he was willing to do the same thing. I go back to the fact that he had too much time on his hands. My husband just chopped down a perfectly healthy oak tree in my front yard because he could find nothing else to do. Am I making myself clear. I have yet to find a man with time on his hands that he did not do something stupid even if it is to just start arguments with someone. Male bodies aren’t meant to sit still. I do not believe he spent all day every day repairing that house so what else was he doing? I am so appalled for you that he took that trip with her and she was thumbing her nose at you the whole time. Ask him why he felt the need to do that to you as well. If he was that entranced and obsessed with her where did it go when you found out? Because it appears that this wonderful love affair went up in smoke as soon as he was confronted. That’s not love that’s stupidity in capital letters. I hope you continue to use your therapist to make him look at every single misdeed until he gets it. Even if you do not reconcile, and why should you,he still needs to take ownership of his behavior. He’s ruined a perfectly good marriage and for what?.
I have several suggestions that might upset you but until you get all of your power back you will stay stuck. Go back to the house with him and make him show you exactly where they had sex. Every.single.time. Change the locks and tell him to find a place to rent because he is going to be there only to work and at the end of the day he goes elsewhere and finally look at your iPad. You need to see if they are communicating. If so I think a divorce lawyer is next on the list. Sppedbump, you are in so much pain but meeting this head on gives you the truth. Not some watered down version of it. He is going to be a committed husband or he is history.
I have read blogs where the bs just woke up one day and said “Nope! I can’t get over it. We are done.” It blindsides the ws who thought things were peachy. It is all about being your own best friend.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:41 AM, March 22nd (Friday)]

GrayShades posted 3/22/2019 08:30 AM

You are not weak. It takes real strength to say, lonely as you are, that you will not be treated as you were being treated. Of course you feel sad and vulnerable after all of this. That's because you loved your husband and loved the life you thought you'd created together, and you've been mourning the disillusionment that you've experienced. That is not weak, it is a testament to your generous heart. It's analogous to how courage isn't the lack of fear, it's moving forward productively despite being afraid. And you have that as well.

beauchateaux posted 3/22/2019 08:52 AM

I am going to agree with Cooley2here on this one.

This is where he usually starts to lose it and can't really string a cohesive thought together and mostly mumbles that he doesn't know why or how he let it get to the level it did

This is not acceptable at this point. The thing is, apologies and tears and self-flagellation aren't good enough. It doesn't accomplish anything - it doesn't help to heal you, and it doesn't push him forward in his quest to prove he's committed to working on himself.

R or D, he owes it to you to dig deep and find an answer for you on this question. The question of 'why'? Why start it in the first place, why let it get so out of hand, why the games, just why? Him 'losing it' and mumbling that he doesn't know is a cop-out.

If he wants to have ANY hope of winning you back, he needs to put his money where his mouth is and start doing the work. Get a therapist, or as Cooley2here said, commit to working on it in conjunction with yours (if that's something you are ok with). Until he figures out what allowed him to do this awful thing to you, he can't be a safe partner.

And he needs to understand that putting in the time and the effort STILL doesn't guarantee that in the end, you'll take him back. He should be wanting to do it for himself.

I'm sorry you're hurting, Speed.

Edited to add on to something Cooley added to her post:

Speedbump, you are in so much pain but meeting this head on gives you the truth. Not some watered down version of it. He is going to be a committed husband or he is history.

This. Actions are what will move things forward now (whichever the direction), not endless words. He's avoiding the hard questions - he probably doesn't think he is, but he is. He needs to be made to FACE what he did with you. It'll be a helluva hard thing for him (and moreso you), but it needs to be done.

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 9:00 AM, March 22nd (Friday)]

Northerngal posted 3/22/2019 09:16 AM

Realizing that the person who should have your back doesn’t even recognize when you’re being hurt is awful. It made me realize that I will protect myself. To not have been disgusted and offended when a dumb bitch was intentionally hurting you, his spouse. He let it happen. He chose to go along with it. He wanted to. That’s where I often fall apart. It really is compartmentalizing at a different level. She’s a whole different kind of monster, The mow in my marriage was subtly trying to take my life for her own. Not for love, for job security.

It’s amazinv to me that these men of a certain age runvompanies, manage employees, make huge decisions that affect a lot of people and then claim impotence and confusion when it comes to a woman hitting on them. How are they suddenly not in control? Seems convenient.

k8la posted 3/22/2019 09:33 AM

I don't know if I'm the only one thinking this, but I'm just wondering how her husband died. She's so toxic and poisonous, I can't help but think he didn't die of natural causes...

Furious1 posted 3/22/2019 10:19 AM



Booyah posted 3/22/2019 11:10 AM

SB, I agree with Cooley that it would behoove you to look at the iPad again.

This is the NEW you!!!

This isn't you pain shopping but rather you having the courage to face the situation head on.

REFUSE to be afraid and scared of what you might find out.

In order to move forward you need more answers. If he's still communicating with her, in my humble opinion, the door is slammed on ever attempting to R with him.

If there's no communication then there's no communication and at least you'll know.

In time you're going to get through this SB, and in my opinion, the greatest gift that you can give yourself is to face fear head on and say NO MORE!!!

If you allow it fear will creep into every area of your life. You'll find it's just as easy to be brave as it is to be afraid. The more you face your fears the easier it becomes the next time.

It's like a muscle...the more you use it the stronger it gets.

Trust me on this SB, if you can continue facing your fears (which you have been starting to do) you are going to LOVE THE NEW YOU!!!

You are an AMAZING woman and all of us following your story can see your transformation.

Your words are EXTREMELY POWERFUL!!!

Quit saying you're weak and afraid and a coward. It's NOT TRUE SB and the sooner you believe it (I mean TRULY BELIEVE it in your heart and in your spirit) you're going to feel so alive and you won't TAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE EVER AGAIN!!!

SB, you only get ONE shot at this thing called life. Why go through it afraid and letting fear control you?

Ironically in the bible it talks about fear 365 times (once for every day of the yr?).

He did NOT make you to be afraid....he made you BOLD and POWERFUL!!!

Choose to be bold one day at time.

If you're afraid of something, set it aside, and TAKE ACTION ANYWAY!!!

Be like George Constanza in Seinfeld where he did the complete opposite of what he normally would do and see how things play out.

Just trust me SB the more you say FUCK YOU to fear the easier it will get and your world will be transformed beyond your wildest dreams.

We're ALL pulling for you and VERY PROUD of how far you've come thus far.


ThisIsSoLonely posted 3/22/2019 11:22 AM

Speedbump, not only are our stories similar but the advice of the last 4 or 5 posters after your last post could apply to my WH and my situation as well. My WH seems to be totally committed to helping me heal. He’s open and willing to talk and has been honest about the timeline, yet he is clearly avoiding WHY he did this. He’s focused on mending the issues we had before the A and he’s focused on his own newly diagnosed depression but that’s where it ends with him I think. He still hasn’t a clue what “why” really means. The OW in my life sounds a lot like the OW in yours...she wanted to fit right into my spot in his life (apparently forgetting she was married herself and to one of my WHs best friends at that). He says she planted the seed (and she did I’ve read the messages when it started) and he says that’s when he started being interested...curious. But when I pointed out to him that a friends husband (a friend of mine) started that shit with me my reaction was basically “I appreciate the compliment but you and I are both committed to someone else so you shouldn’t be saying that stuff to me” which shut it down. Instantly. The why is “why didn’t you do that?” His reaction, sadly, is to say “I don’t know why” and to go into “you’re just trying to show me how much better than me you are” mode. All I can do is sigh. He doesn’t get it.

Will he ever get it? I don’t know and I certainly can’t make it happen. I can’t control that. What I can control is what happens with me. I can only hope I can find the strength to do what you’re doing completely and just let him figure it out for himself if he ever can.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 1:26 PM, March 22nd (Friday)]

SpeedBump posted 3/23/2019 05:44 AM

Sallie2 - I love your idea of finding a support group. Honestly I have no idea how to go about finding out but I'll check with the social worker I met in the hospital. I have the added complexity of a language barrier and while I do well enough in navigating day to day minor interaction, participating in a support group wasn't covered in my early language class! But I do like the idea and maybe I can find one with English speakers too.

Cooley said-

I am sure she is gloating at the fact that you are so unhappy.

Man, that got to me and pissed me off because she probably is getting off on that and while I don't fixate on her, it did bug me. It hit me yesterday afternoon when I was looking for some paperwork I need to renew my resident permit as I'm preparing for a meeting with immigration here in the next few weeks. I have all those papers wonderfully organized for me and WH but I left them all at the house. I got irritated thinking how much I have had to uproot my comfy life because of him and her! How she is probably all smug about that. So, I grabbed my keys, got in my car, drove like a pissed off and determine scorned wife that I am and went straight to MY HOUSE. I pulled up and parked on the street so my car was obvious. I strolled right in and shocked the hell out of WH who was working on some electrical doo-hickey and just said, "I need stuff," and went to get what I needed. We chit chatted for awhile. I inspected the house and what work was being done. It all looked nice and there was loads of progress. Then I grabbed and opened a bottle of wine, poured myself a glass, took it out front and sat on a bench we have out there and enjoyed it. I felt like I was taking parts of my life back and no one was gonna make me slink away from MY life. WH asked if he could join me. I said whatever he wanted and I didn't care and so he grabbed a beer and sat there with me and we made small talk. It was weird but also natural. Of course I was just hoping the "C U Next Tuesday" would see and hole herself up in her house. It was Friday. She's a social butterfly and she would likely be heading out and I would see her and I wanted to make her cringe.

Well, we never saw her and I finally left after watching the sun set and seeing the bright moon rise. But I left with a sense of taking my life back and not letting her or him make a runner out of me. I told him I'd stop by whenever I wanted. It was MY house and I wasn't hiding any longer. If it made either of them uncomfortable, so be it. Not my problem. Of course he was happy to have me there, offered to make dinner or take me out but I declined. I did what I came to do. I wasn't letting anyone impact me in ways that brought them joy and me sorrow and pain. Screw that!

So Cooley2here - thank you! Words matter.

Edited to add: Then I came home and cried. Just want to paint the real pic. I'm no bad-ass. What comes, comes in spurts.

[This message edited by SpeedBump at 6:05 AM, March 23rd (Saturday)]

Maudlin posted 3/23/2019 06:05 AM

Oh, I can relate, I too am far far away from family and support. Doubtful a support group exists as cheating is the mans perogative in this culture. Add in visa issues (have I got one without him? Do t think so) and the financial hurdles...

It’s overwhelming.

Edie posted 3/23/2019 06:19 AM

But I left with a sense of taking my life back and not letting her or him make a runner out of me. I told him I'd stop by whenever I wanted. It was MY house and I wasn't hiding any longer.

Brava Speedbump! So happy for you 😊

Edited to add: Then I came home and cried

Catharsis as well as grief, I imagine. So healing in a way.

And of course so confusing and surreal for you - the two ‘homes’, reclaiming home, leaving home to go home.

But the real home is you. It’s rebuilding well.
From the bottom up.

Hug, wishing you a good weekend.

[This message edited by Edie at 6:33 AM, March 23rd (Saturday)]

Sharkman posted 3/23/2019 06:58 AM

Speed -

She took nothing from you. You have the same exact life that you had six months ago. Other people do not define your happiness and it’s just going to take you a bit to understand this. They did you a favor.

realitybites posted 3/23/2019 07:24 AM

Then I came home and cried. Just want to paint the real pic. I'm no bad-ass. What comes, comes in spurts.

Oh yeah... the adrenaline of our anger can take you where you need to go for brief moments, but then it overwhelms us and in our quiet moments we break down and cry. I get it.

Even though we reach out and sound tough on an anonymous board here at SI and may have been around for awhile it does not mean we don't remember exactly how that felt. I too could be a real bad ass when needed but my tears were not far behind.

Just keep remembering that healing from what has been done to you will take awhile, but what you did today was good in that you over came one of your hurdles and went back to your house. Each day or week or month it will get better.

When one goes into shock, which I do feel each BS goes thru at the beginning, we can only handle so much pain at one time. And then it takes awhile to also accept how deep and how far the betrayal has gone with our spouse, it is many times just too darn painful.

My only take with what your WS is saying and doing is that he might be "trying" to be really nice and he might be trying to do the right thing, but it seems as if he still somehow blames the evil OW for just being too much for him to over come.

This is where affairs and denial and rug sweeping for a WS just won't work. These are the layers that need to be pulled away from his denials and in my opinion he won't become a healthy person for you to even consider being around until he finds help for his own "why's".

As Thisissolonely put it and many others... a BS gets fooled by a WS who seems as if they are now being nice and crying tears and hanging their head and it just really seems like they might "get it" of how horrible you feel. And it is easy to fall back into the old routine because a BS is still used to their old life, sort of like a really bad habit that is hard to break... its just so very darn hard to unravel a life that you felt was going to be great and just had no idea that it was being sabotaged behind your back. And what is really scary is that they WILL act around you all contrite and sorry and really seem like that want to have you back, trust us when we say it has fooled many here and they come back a year or 2 or 5 or 10 yrs later to say "My WS never really worked on himself/herself, I took them back because they "seemed" so sorry but I now realize I should have forced the issue that they get some help. *Raising my hand here that I did the same thing* I saw it start to creep back in slowly, those selfish behaviors, the small snarky comments, the defensiveness and tiny resentments, but now I was 5 or 6 years into R... I just did not want to believe it that he would or could do it again.

Keep remembering that the affair is really just the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more to this then healing over that one item, there was something much more inside of him that allowed him to go down this path. And I would also ask you, what do you know REALLY about his previous wife? I mean I know she died and he would not talk to you about it, but what all do you even know about his previous life?

Anyway....enough for now.... keep working on you. This takes awhile and you are doing really well believe it or not for being only a couple months out... it might not seem like it but you are. And you are getting alot thrown at you so take what you feel works for you, take it in baby steps but always remember to trust your gut.

[This message edited by realitybites at 7:36 AM, March 23rd (Saturday)]

Cooley2here posted 3/23/2019 07:47 AM

I love what you did, SB! LOVE IT! One of the most powerful words in any language is the word “NO”! You said it in a powerful way just by sitting outside. You’ve got this.

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