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Being played. Paralyzed.

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totallydumb posted 3/19/2019 16:26 PM

and this is how I choose my screen name.....

I wasn't the only person in this world who was "dumb" enough to think that no way would the person I loved so much and chose as my life partner would do such horrible things to me

But, I had to go through this twice, over 20 years apart with two different SOs!

Hang in there SB, and don't sell yourself short. You are doing good.


Booyah posted 3/19/2019 16:27 PM

SB, don't EVER beat yourself up for trusting a loved one. Especially someone you married and took vows with.

This whole experience is one big rollercoaster and who cares at one point you were paralyzed with fear. The point is YOU FOUND YOUR VOICE AND YOU STOOD UP FOR YOURSELF!!!

Also, you need to learn to be a good friend to yourself. Quit being SO hard on yourself.

Moving forward, in my humble opinion, it will do you no good being in "fantasy" land. Everything needs to be on the up and up. No games and no denial.

Curious, and you don't have to answer this (and you may not even know yet), but do you have an idea where this is going? Are you leaning towards attempting R or D?

Please continue to take care of yourself!!

PricklePatch posted 3/19/2019 17:10 PM

Donít beat yourself up. Your thread title says it all, you were paralyzed. You not only went through the trauma of betrayal, you have been ill.

Yes, SI helped you and supported you. The big thing is you did the hard part living it.

Being emotional is very reasonable at this stage. Mind racing, lack of concentration all normal at this stage.

SpeedBump posted 3/19/2019 17:36 PM


Curious, and you don't have to answer this (and you may not even know yet), but do you have an idea where this is going? Are you leaning towards attempting R or D?

One minute I think I know and then I don't. What I know for certain is I am incredibly lonely and I know that's messing with my mind. I'm in a foreign country with no real friends yet. I yearn for companionship. I've always been one to keep a distance from co-workers.
I wanted a private life separate from work-life and that is a boundary I've just always had. So I have co-workers only here and no real friends. Not the same. In the situation I'm in now, that was the right choice because if they knew how bad it was they would think I was crazy!

So I miss what I had with WH. I don't know if that is different from missing him. It probably is but hard to see now. Confusion. Just mass confusion. And sadness. And pissed-offedness. I made that up but it's true.

I hate my life right now. Just hate it.

Booyah posted 3/19/2019 18:10 PM

SB, certainly understand your frustration with everything right now. Looking at the big picture (and into the future) it can definitely be overwhelming.

Try to take it one day at a time. Remember this is just ONE chapter of your life, and just because things are the way they are right now does NOT mean it will be this way in the future.

SB, this is just my opinion, but if you want to give R an attempt do it for the right reasons because you don't want to be in the same place a yr from now, 2 yrs, etc etc. I know your lonely, but staying with your WH to fill this need doesn't sound like a recipe for long term success.

Keep the faith that you'll get through this storm, and that you'll find the peace you're seeking.

Praying for wisdom, strength and courage for you!!!

paboy posted 3/19/2019 18:34 PM

SB As we keep repeating to are doing awesomely. You are coming out of infidelity.

Now the healing part, that takes a little longer.

In my situation, my wife had an EA, which we rug swept-she was an undiagnosed BP-madness upon madness, and I went into depression. It was'nt until I found TAM and SI that I learnt about what had occurred, and the reasons why, and immediately came out of the depression, and boy was I angry.. I was in this depression for about 20yrs. It changed my life.

That was about 2yrs ago.

Since then, like you,I went through an angry stage.

Like you we seperated, although under different reasons. We were apart for 8 months.

Initially, I was grateful for the space. One time there, I did feel somewhat isolated, but I had children and grandchildren handy.

But the space was good. I really enjoyed the space in the bed. Being in a big bed by your self was heavenly.

I found things to do to keep me satisfied.

And work, it had been my 'crutch' through most of my depression, so I actually improved, and enjoyed myself there.

I had to make a decision whether to reunite with her.

Cant say its been roses, but I have made my choice.

I am out of infidelity, just trying to live day to day with BP.

inthedark99 posted 3/19/2019 18:39 PM

you donít have to figure it all out or decide anything about your marriage right now speedbump.
can you find some womenís groups to join?

k8la posted 3/19/2019 19:19 PM

Part of the conflict is surrendering the dream of who you thought he was, facing the reality of what he did makes him completely different. The conflict/cognitive dissonance adds to the depressed, grief process you're going through. He can't ever unring the bell. And while you know it, everything else about him looks and sounds the same as when you first fell in love.

It takes some real mental toughness to work through whether or not you can forgive in a way that makes recommitment possible and healthy. It takes some real spiritual awakening for him to reconcile the man he became/chose to become, and the man he wants to be for you. The false self he presented to you has been shattered. There are no more illusions he can call on to win you back. It will take more than he has to do all the right things, make all the possible amends, and there still is grace required, just for him to win his soul back, let alone recover the marriage. His soul must become whole first.

I'd suggest you find a way to meet new people socially in your new space. You have coworkers, but you need the culture too. Eventually reclaiming every space that was part of your dream in Europe will be part of your healing, including the parts he gave to her instead.

Pace yourself. Rushing through grief extends and prolongs the grief and pain.

sinsof thefather posted 3/20/2019 05:09 AM

I had dinner with WH on Sat, as I mentioned. And you know what, it didn't completely suck. But I was in pretend land. I imagined he still loved me and I liked it but I know it's fantasy. And I hate myself that I liked it. I'm so confused. Why would I enjoy being with someone who hurt me so badly? I want to hate him so much but I don't. Only partially. But not all. What's wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you Speedbump, you are a lady who genuinely loved her husband and are now having trouble reconciling that with the knowledge that he has hurt you so badly. I don't think it's necessarily fantasy that he loves you too - he may be realising that now for himself.

He wants to try to make me believe he wants me and only me, make it right, fix him, and us. I don't feel I can handle that. I won't survive it happening again, hell I might not survive the memories of it happening this time.
And there lies the rub. He wants to reconcile, and you want the old him you thought you knew before this happened back - which can't happen.

R can be possible when two people both want it, and go in with their eyes wide open - but it is always a gift and a risk on the bs part. There are no guarantees that it will work even with a remorseful wayward doing all they can, sometimes something is just broken beyond repair.

It's still early days for you. You don't have to decide anything just yet. He must keep working on himself without demanding any promises from you. If he can do that it will help you to decide what you want. Whether you want to keep in loose contact with him while he does that is entirely up to you. He's had his time making decisions about your marriage Speedbump - now it's your turn, on your schedule.

In the meantime, are there any groups you could join on the weekends or on the occasional evening if you feel up to it? Sometimes things can be going on in local churches or their halls - that may be a place to look. There is nothing wrong with you being undecided about what you want regarding him and your marriage, but I think you will make a better decision about it with the right motives, if you're not feeling so generally lonely. Are you lonely for people or for him? That's a tough question when you are stranded abroad far away from family and friends. So take some time while you try to figure that out. And remember, there is not right or wrong answer, only the right answer for you - there will be support for you here regardless of what you ultimately choose to do. ((()))

Odonna posted 3/20/2019 05:53 AM

Dear Speedbump,

I have been cheering you from afar. Just remember that we are all tiny points of emotional wreckage and resolve scattered all across the globe, yet united anonymously through this website that allows us to both vent and support each other. I will never know you. But I care intensely about you!

You have received great advice and encouragement that I will not repeat, but do think of us as friends as well as nameless corespondents. I look for your posts every day, and I am sure I am not the only one.

Sending a virtual hug. I really wish you had someone there to give you a big long one.


SpeedBump posted 3/20/2019 06:29 AM

Odonna - thank you so much, and really to everyone for making me feel not so alone. Today is better. It's a gorgeous day here and I can see my good fortune today, living a dream really, albeit with some crappy undertones tossed in. But in the big picture, I'm pretty lucky overall. Every now and then I can see that. And then try to savor and hang on to it.

I forgot to update that after I received and then replied to that crap email from AP, I got a long and apologetic message from the mutual friend I had run into earlier that day. She wrote how horrible she felt for making it worse for me by telling AP what I had said. She said she believed me and she was sorry for all I'd been through and she's hoping we can stay friends. You can imagine I trust no one these days so it's no surprise I have not replied and really don't intend to. I imagine she is only trying to stay friends to garner info to feed back to AP. She may be genuine but I need to keep a wide berth from all the toxic reminders. It sucks I have no faith in people right now.

And of course WH called me after that email thread to again apologize for all the damage he'd done, pain and suffering he is causing me and for putting us here. I just listened and then replied that I'm clueless how to reply at all but if it made him feel better to say all that, then good for him. I was just numb to it all. It was awkward and stupid.

At our dinner, we steered clear of A talk. We talked about kids, weather and then just naturally talked about some of the plans we had always discussed about traveling to see Europe. It sucked to have to end that talk with "too bad it's all just ruined now" but what else could I say? He got pretty emotional and I quietly berated him for destroying our dreams and plans.

He asked how the bungalow was. I told him "unexpected but comfortable enough, quiet and lonely." He asked if he might see it one day and I just said I had no answer for that kind of question. I needed it to be my sanctuary for now and him entering it might ruin that for me now. The pain on his face was obvious but I told him it was my truth. He asked me if I thought he should go back to the US and I actually was stunned by that question. My reaction troubles me because I felt upset (but why?) and angry (like he was running away) and abandoned and didn't really know how to reply. I asked why he would ask me such a thing and he said he wanted to know if that would be easier for me to have him far away. I honestly don't know the answer and feel so conflicted. Something I'll need to discuss with my IC, I'm sure.

We ended with me saying I didn't think it was my place to tell him what to do and then that it wasn't fair to ask me such a thing. 6 months ago I couldn't have imagined he'd be contemplating a move back to the US and asking me for his answer to that question. It was a decision he'd have to make on his own and if he felt it was the best way to handle what he'd done, then so be it. That was on him, not me. He said he was just trying to see if more space is what I needed and so I said maybe that should have been the question to start.

We did hug as we left. It was a big, intense, never let me go hug. It felt good and so painful all at the same time. I walked away and went right to my car and left him there. I haven't seen him since.

Edie posted 3/20/2019 06:38 AM

He wants to try to make me believe he wants me and only me, make it right, fix him, and us. I don't feel I can handle that. I won't survive it happening again, hell I might not survive the memories of it happening this time.

Currently, as he may have largely addressed the Ďwhatí but not the Ďwhyí, you donít have enough information to begin to assess his suitability for reconciliation. The why is crucial to understanding the level of risk.

Hug. Itís a surreal time. Trying to spend more time with others irl will lessen that, and the sense of isolation.

[This message edited by Edie at 7:24 AM, March 20th (Wednesday)]

inthedark99 posted 3/20/2019 07:09 AM

am so glad you are in a better place today speedbump. a good dose of sunshine goes a long way.

about the mutual friend: your thoughts on that are spot on.

i am truly amazed with how youíve handled this whole situation. and am so impressed with how you are communicating with your ws. who knows if R is possible, but you have shown your ws that this is all on him. that is one of the hardest things to come to in this terrible mess and you got there much sooner than most do.

do something for you today.

beauchateaux posted 3/20/2019 09:35 AM

I got a long and apologetic message from the mutual friend I had run into earlier that day. She wrote how horrible she felt for making it worse for me by telling AP what I had said. She said she believed me and she was sorry for all I'd been through and she's hoping we can stay friends.

Eh, no. It's pretty shady that she walked away from you and went right to the AP to fill her in on the conversation you'd had - how would you navigate a friendship with this woman, knowing you obviously can't trust her? Maybe she really does feel bad and is coming from a good place but I think you're right to not take her up on the offer of friendship. AP doesn't need ANY insight into your life. She's a seriously disturbed person.

Speaking of which (not to waste a ton of effort or energy on AP, but I feel like this is relevant if there's any chance that R is on the table) - I sincerely hope he's somehow maintaining NC with her while he's trying to convince you to give him another chance. I struggle with the idea of them still living next door to each other while all this is going down, especially since he went to her house at least once after you blew everything up for them. I may have missed something somewhere, but I remember you saying you didn't specifically ask for NC - did you ever, subsequently? Has he said anything on that subject (contact or lack thereof with AP)?

Again, if you're set on D then who cares, but if you're considering R then this would be something I'd consider important to know. She's a toxic, awful person and she can't even be a blip on the radar (not even a hello in passing) if you and your WH are going to attempt to somehow mend what's broken. It's why I asked how his progress on the house stuff is going - the sooner you can cut her out completely, the better, but he has to be all-in on that too.

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 9:38 AM, March 20th (Wednesday)]

Furious1 posted 3/20/2019 09:40 AM

Speedbump, thank you for the update. I have been thinking about you. It sounds like the meeting went well for you. It's totally understandable to keep the frienemy at a distance. Since everything you said to her was relayed directly to the AP in the first place, I believe it is very wise to handle it the way you are handling it.

You should be proud of yourself for how you are dealing with all of this. I can only imagine what your IC will say about his offer to move back to the US, but I will wait for the update on that.

Keeping you in my thoughts and gentle hugs.


SpeedBump posted 3/20/2019 10:59 AM

Hi Beauxchateaux,

I did request no contact with AP but I'm not trying to prove he's sticking to it. I'd like to believe he isn't but I'm not stupid and I know they are next door to each other. It does bother me but I work hard to keep myself from worrying about it. I can't control him or her so I won't even try and I certainly won't worry about it. He did tell me he has no contact with her and he wants me to know that he will keep his promise. He said he also wants to move from the house while we wait for a sale but the truth is he still has to go back there for work being done to wrap up projects on it. So what can I do? Really, nothing. Sometimes I think about checking but then stop myself. What would it accomplish, really? The only thing I know for certain is how much damage tracking them did to me before. I don't want to go back to that. I was obsessive about it. It was horrible.

I read another post that talked about not being the jealous type. I want to be like that. Resolved to the fact it's out of my control so why worry about it and make myself sick. I'm trying that for now. It's easier superficially but the worry is there, still with a little simmer. Sucks!

I guess if I decide one day to try to R, I probably will go back and check before making the final decision. That should be fun.

maise posted 3/20/2019 11:03 AM

Speed Bump

I think this is a super great and amazing approach. It takes a lot of strength but you are absolutely right. Thereís nothing we can do to control them, nothing we can do by obsessing, we can only focus on ourselves and our healing. We can only make sure we come out okay and do the best for ourselves. Kudos to you!!

beauchateaux posted 3/20/2019 11:30 AM

Sometimes I think about checking but then stop myself.

Yeah, no, I definitely wouldn't be checking - it's too easy to slide into a bad habit of doing it constantly (many, many of us have done similar, with social media and stuff) and you don't need to be policing them on top of everything else.

I was basically just wanting to know if HE had addressed it, which it sounds like he has done that, at least, and it's not a question that's being ignored or not directly addressed. Your approach of letting go of the stuff you can't control and focusing on what you can is the perfect way to handle it.

MamaDragon posted 3/20/2019 14:06 PM

Is there any way he could pay someone else to do the work on the house? It may give you peace of mind if he does move out of the house and only has to go over there once in a while. Even though you are not together at the moment and not sure if you want to reconcile, it might help you heal faster knowing he is not near her?

I don't think him moving back to the states would be helpful at all. I think it would leave you hanging somewhat. Also, I wouldn't focus on deciding to reconcile or divorce yet, you have had a major shock to your system. I would perhaps focus on maybe just being friends with your WH first - and take it day by day, it might lead you to fall back in love or it may just prove that you are friends at best. From what you have said, he seems remorseful, not that he got caught but because the affair is over.

It sucks that you are so far from your support system and family but you have us here at SI. You are pretty strong too - don't think that you are not. The way you have handled this and kept things going is a testament to your will power and strength.

Questioningall posted 3/20/2019 21:59 PM

At our dinner, we steered clear of A talk. We talked about kids, weather and then just naturally talked about some of the plans we had always discussed about traveling to see Europe.

Have you thought about doing some of that sightseeing on your own now? Pick a place and go on a weekend you donít have to work. My niece is working in Europe this year and has taken several trips to other countries, often (usually?) by herself. It will probably feel weird at first, but it will get you out of that lonely bungalow for a bit and you might enjoy yourself and regain a bit of confidence.

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