Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Being played. Paralyzed.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48

Cooley2here posted 3/16/2019 12:48 PM

I have read this latest post a couple of times to make sure I have this right. He could not be bothered with accompanying you because of THE AGGRAVATION!??! What a sweetheart!

SB, I am not qualified to diagnose anyone but she sounds like a really disturbed woman. You did perfectly in outing her. Two incomplete personalities happen to meet and together they formed a two headed monster.

You are remarkable. In a foreign country you have held it together enough to get a place to live and do your job. Congratulations on being the adult in this triangle.

Booyah posted 3/16/2019 13:05 PM

Good to hear from you SB.

As already pointed out, it's amazing to see the transformation that's taken place from when you first came to SI ("paralyzed with fear") to someone who won't take SHIT from anyone!!

Hearing you put that lowlife POS SKANK in her place......SB......all I can say is WELL PLAYED MY FRIEND.....and let me also add BOOYAH

alphakitte posted 3/16/2019 13:59 PM

I have read this latest post a couple of times to make sure I have this right. He could not be bothered with accompanying you because of THE AGGRAVATION!??!

Cooley, I’ve reread Speedbump’s post several times and don’t find anywhere that her husband couldn’t be bothered to attend the therapy session. As I read her previous post, this was always planned on being a video conference with the therapist, Speedbump, and her husband all planning to be in different places.

SpeedBump posted 3/16/2019 14:09 PM

Thanks everyone, time and distance is helping me, finally. And the IC and having someone to talk to has helped like I wouldn't have imagined and so I'm grateful to all of you for really advising and being relentless about that. I am not kidding when I say I literally could not make one decision about my situation when it came to light. I was such a deer in headlights and it was just too awful.

One thing I forgot to mention is that he did ask how I found out. My IC was brilliant and told him flat out that she didn't see the importance in him knowing that but if he wanted to dispute anything I've told him that I know, we could have that conversation. She said it was important that my safety wasn't threatened or violated in anyway and having to tell him something I might not be comfortable answering wasn't fair to me. She knew I was not willing to tell him but that I might one day. So she put it back on him and told him he should leave that for now and not push me. It should be of my own volition if I ever wanted to tell him. I think he was a bit stunned by that and while he didn't exactly argue, he said he thought it would help knowing. Then she asked him who, exactly it would help, and that was that.

When we spoke afterwards I mentioned and wondered why he hadn't asked me before. He said he was afraid of the answer and that he really thought it was AP. So I don't really think he knows at all how I know and for now, I plan to keep it that way. I have not looked at the iPad in a long time and it no longer calls me like it once did. I am so grateful for that.

Well, I'm off to meet him. So weird.

Cooley2here posted 3/16/2019 14:19 PM

Alpha, he couldn’t be bothered going on trips with her. She said they acted like an old married couple when she traveled.

SB, sorry about the t/j

Shockedmom posted 3/16/2019 14:27 PM

Good luck with the outing tonight. And just know that you have a great therapist. She really had your back during that conversation.

Forks027 posted 3/16/2019 16:40 PM

You’re a champ, SB.

How sh!tty that they went to the place you wanted to visit as a way of being petty. There really is no limit to the depths they’d sink to.

I hope you find some new places you’d like to visit.

And the nerve of the AP to call you a liar. Ha. Your response was perfect.

Whatever comes of the situation, you’re going to be all right.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 4:41 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]

Furious1 posted 3/16/2019 17:20 PM

Thank you for the update. You are a rockstar in how you have handled all of this and you should be very proud of yourself. We're here for you whatever you decide to do.

Drumstick posted 3/16/2019 17:28 PM

So glad to hear from you, SB! You’re doing great.

PricklePatch posted 3/16/2019 18:31 PM


Sorry you went through that session, so in awe at how far you have come.

Honestly, I even see you going to dinner with him is a win. He gets to see what he lost if you go through with the divorce and you get to see that you as a person are a rock star.

Zenkitty posted 3/16/2019 18:56 PM

Wow...that session must have been very hard but it is most likely that now everything is revealed . Sadly the town you wished to visit is now a no go and what a nasty and mean thing that they did by having a trip there. The OW comes across as a horrible person with a very hostile personality. I am so glad you outed her to her friend and so glad she was so riled by that. I thought your response to her was very well said. These women feel so entitled and dream up ridiculous reasons for their selfish emotions. I really do hate OW!

I think a dinner with boundaries and logistics and now with all revealed is a good start to your healing. He will be able to show you who he really is now that every evil deed and act that he was part of has now been discovered.
I hope he has the intelligence to have a good look at his actions.

Getting your hair done and cut and feeling strong and awesome is just another stepping stone to you starting to feel you can do this. You have shown such grace in this whole mess.

Your therapist seems awesome and will no doubt keep you centred and in the right direction.

Know that you have handled this whole situation so well. I think a lot of people here in SI land wish that as Betrayed spouses that we could have done even half as well as you.

The healing journey now is long and winding and one thing I do know that it needs time.

Stay strong and brave xxx

Sunshine184 posted 3/16/2019 22:18 PM

Wow. Just wow speed.
So glad you’ve posted as we care.
Amazing is the best word I can offer.

LMYE posted 3/17/2019 01:54 AM

It's good to see how well you're doing and your IC appears excellent in helping you navigate this terrible thing that has been done to you.

I don't have any better advice than you've already received here. Just be wary of 'I love yous' from a man who has been wearing a mask around you for a long time,maybe longer than you really know.


ShutterHappy posted 3/18/2019 06:53 AM

he did ask how I found out

A: You mean, the AP didn’t find the hidden cameras yet?

(Just kidding)

OptionedOut posted 3/18/2019 14:53 PM

Wow. You are MIGHTY!

Please don't let companionship allow you to take him back. That's just my opinion. Perhaps he is only sorry because he now realizes he traded a diamond for a turd. OW sounds controlling and jealous.

I'd let it be known you had dinner with him. It'll send her reeling. In fact, he might have already done that so she'd step up the game. It might make him feel more important.

Take time for you. Find other people to have dinner with who aren't abusive and cruel. You deserve it.

And once again, you are mighty. Thank you so much for letting us know how you are doing and sharing your journey. So many of us need to hear about strong people like you.

paboy posted 3/18/2019 15:38 PM

You've been an icon here SB.

I remember when you first posted. You were a mess. Holding on by your coat tails.

You drew your line, then went to work.

You've kept your integrity (and inner values) that have been your life guide throughout your life, in what you've done moving forward.

You've become a great role model on "how to get out of infidelity.'

Happiness in whatever you decide in the future.

SpeedBump posted 3/19/2019 15:26 PM


Amazing is the best word I can offer.

I must respectfully disagree and with anyone else here who thinks I am an example to follow. I wallowed in doubt, fear and self-pity for weeks...nay, months, while AP and WH abused me. I was and am a total mess. I'm a shell of my former self, literally. I'm not proud of how I have handled this and I can start to now see what a horrible fool I was. I wish I was the person you see but that's not me at all. I am an emotional mess. I'm barely keeping up at work and will be lucky to get out of this without a formal warning about the quality of my work. I tried to continue to be APs friend thinking I was imagining what I was feeling and trying not to "take it out on her for my own insecurities" early on. I look back and think, "OMG, I was a horrible idiot!".

You know when I found my voice? When I found SI! I started to read and see that it wasn't just me. I wasn't the only person in this world who was "dumb" enough to think that no way would the person I loved so much and chose as my life partner would do such horrible things to me. And by dumb, the worst I mean is naive. None of us is dumb! It wasn't in my scope of experience to know this crud happens all the time to good and loving people. I had no idea I would handle this the way I complete and utter denial. I had no plan. I couldn't even comprehend what to do. So I just let it happen and unfold before my eyes because I was clueless.

So no,I am not amazing. Not without all of you and your advice.

I cry daily. I'm mad all the time. Smiles are not so easy for me anymore. I've aged years in only a mere few months. I've let the behavior of other people affect me in ways I'd like to think I wouldn't have allowed before, but there you have it.

But I'm fighting my way back. Not always successfully but I am.

I had dinner with WH on Sat, as I mentioned. And you know what, it didn't completely suck. But I was in pretend land. I imagined he still loved me and I liked it but I know it's fantasy. And I hate myself that I liked it. I'm so confused. Why would I enjoy being with someone who hurt me so badly? I want to hate him so much but I don't. Only partially. But not all. What's wrong with me?

He wants to try to make me believe he wants me and only me, make it right, fix him, and us. I don't feel I can handle that. I won't survive it happening again, hell I might not survive the memories of it happening this time.

I'm so lost. I'm no example. I'm a complete mess and the only thing I have going for me is I have a reason to get up everyday and that's for my job. How much does that for the job? I know I wanted more out of life but here I am.

Now what?

beauchateaux posted 3/19/2019 15:44 PM

Speed, don't be so hard on yourself, woman. You are doing the best you can with an impossible situation, and you're doing great. Shoot, even someone who is barely holding it together is still holding it together. You know? I repeat: you're doing awesome.

Can you expand a little on what was said during your dinner? How was he acting? Did he give any actual examples on how the heck he was going to get all that accomplished - the convincing you, the fixing, all of it? Did you talk about the timeline or anything to do with that wreck of a conversation, or did you steer clear? Where did you leave it with him when dinner was over?

What has he been doing while you've been seeking counseling? Has he found one for himself yet (sorry if I missed something in previous posts)? Is he making progress with what he needs to do to sell the house, is he still committed to that plan? What's the deal with AP - she sent you the email that you cc'ed him on when you roasted her with your reply (which, I still grin thinking about), did he mention that or her at all? Has there been ANY contact at all, or did you even discuss this?

Again, some relationships can recover from some pretty terrible stuff, but it all depends on whether or not the BS decides they want to put themselves on that limb again because it IS a risk (you seem to be unsure, which is FINE at this stage) and how much real work the WS is willing to do. Does he have any idea of how long and hard the road would be, if you decided to give him that second chance?

And no, you're not messed up for not being able to just turn off the fact that you still enjoy your WH's company. This is a very crazy-making situation, and we've all been through it, all with different experiences. You can't just turn off your feelings, good or bad. Be gentle with yourself.

Shockedmom posted 3/19/2019 16:19 PM

I’m glad you stopped by and shared a little of what you are feeling.

While you may not believe you are amazing your journey so far has been remarkable. You may be fragile now however in comparison you have gained strength and determination to forge your way through infidelity. You faced one of your demons, asked some relevant though mind numblingly painful questions, you continue to work and be productive all while facing the single most destructive event of your life. This is amazing. You are amazing. Please believe in yourself again.

What next? This journey has so many twists and turns it is dizzying. An hour, a day and then a week at a time. So glad you found SI to help you navigate through the quagmire.

Looking for the magic that you believed you once had with your WH is understandable. You need the normalcy of a night out with an easy companion. Only time will tell if you will ever be able to reconcile with him. We don’t get to judge you. There may be the occasional strong nudge but it’s all in the interest of your well being.

Wishing you continued healing and better times ahead.

Cooley2here posted 3/19/2019 16:25 PM

We Often use the word “gaslighting”. There are many ways to drive someone crazy and you just had the bad luck of dealing with two people who were trying to do that. I have no idea what their motives were. It does not matter. The absolute cruelty of what they did to you still makes my blood boil. You probably feel guilty that you still feel something for him. You are a loving, caring, person so, of course, you feel something for him. You changed countries with him. You made plans with him. Of course you have feelings. It would surprise all of us if you did not feel something. Gaslighting is the slow, methodical, planned way to drive someone crazy. Does that sound like what happened to you? It sure does to us. Your brain has to heal, believe it or not. It has to reconfigure and that takes time. For many years it was assumed that our brains were done when we were in our 20s. Now it is understood that our brains can change throughout our lives. Give yourself time. Just keep in mind that your health is the most important thing of all and that takes time. You are grieving and that takes time. Time.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2019 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy