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Being played. Paralyzed.

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SpeedBump posted 3/7/2019 07:35 AM

Dear EVERYONE - I'm so sorry for seemingly falling off the map. I am trying to take time to settle my mind, heal mentally and physically and try to get back to some sense of normalcy. I also moved into my little bungalow this last weekend and feeling so much better about that. Work is extra busy so I don't have time to stick around today but will come back on the weekend for a real update. I just wanted to say I find such power and strength in your messages and am so grateful.

WH is feeling very lost and bungling his way around through this but have to give him credit for trying. We plan to go through his timeline in a "modified" face to face on Saturday and I can tell he's pretty stressed, just based on questions he's been asking me. I have not seen him other than to meet at a grocery store lot where he brought a list of things from our house I asked for. We spoke for about 20 minutes and he really looks like crud. Good!

Anyway, I decided to go thru the timeline with him after my online therapy session, which actually was better than I imagined it would be. She felt I was so hung up on hearing his full side explained to me that I should do it and if needed, we could do it with her. So that's what we are doing and tonight I have another session with her to talk about that in more detail. He agreed to all of it. We won't be in the same place. I felt better this way. We will all 3 video in for it, hence the modified face to face. So weird but then I never planned to be here.

Ok, so will likely give a full update on Sunday after I have time to digest the timeline review. I really wanted to just say thanks, as I pulled up the site while at lunch, and am so blown away by all the amazing advice and support. Today isn't my worse day so there is something to be grateful for.

sinsof thefather posted 3/7/2019 08:18 AM

Thank you for the update Speedbump, I had been thinking of you and hoping you were doing OK. I'm glad you are in and all settled in your bungalow. It sounds like you have found a good fit with your online therapist and I really like the idea of your three way video meet. A very controlled environment for you to do this.

It seems as though reality has definitely hit for your WH and I'm glad that he seems to still be sticking with honesty towards you now. Your three way discussion will soon show if he's not. Hopefully the effect of him having to vocalise the horrible things he has done in front of you and an outside observer will really hit home for him. It's also a good thing imo, for the therapist to 'see' him and his demeanor.

Although it may not feel like it, you are handling this so well Speedbump. We're all rooting for you and I hope the meeting goes well.

inthedark99 posted 3/7/2019 08:44 AM

glad to read your update speedbump.
hope you are settling in nicely to your bungalow.
i love the idea of the counselor video conference and not having to be with BS to do it. thatís truly brilliant.
you have handled this all with such grace.
good luck on Saturday, stay strong.

Cooley2here posted 3/7/2019 10:18 AM

I hope that while youíre on this conference call you make him explain why he got pleasure from his cruelty. Ask him how he got enjoyment from knowing he was causing you pain. He was causing you pain and he knew it because he saw it. For your sake he needs to give you a clear answer as to how he gave himself permission to do that. There is something called a folie a deux. They looked very much like two people involved in one..
Itís wonderful that you are looking after yourself and you found yourself a place to live.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 10:24 AM, March 7th (Thursday)]

Shockedmom posted 3/7/2019 10:18 AM

Glad you are doing ok now. You have been in my thoughts. It is good to hear you are in therapy and have found some peace within your new home. Hoping for some good progress as you go through the timeline.

Sunshine184 posted 3/7/2019 13:44 PM

So glad to hear that you continue to focus on you. Take care ((Speedbump))

childofcheater posted 3/9/2019 15:36 PM

Good luck today Speed Bump!

maise posted 3/9/2019 18:36 PM

Keeping up with your story since the beginning. Wanted to tell you I think youíre amazing and handling this entire crap show in such a strong way. I hope you are well and I send lots of healing your way!

sinsof thefather posted 3/11/2019 04:45 AM

I've been thinking of you this weekend Speedbump. Let us know how you are when you can.

SadinTexas posted 3/12/2019 14:56 PM

Just checking in on you Speedbump and letting you know many are worried about you and care about you.

GrayShades posted 3/12/2019 22:51 PM

Yep. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, but know that there are many of us out here in SI-land who worry about you. I hope Sunday went Ok, and that you're OK.

NoOptTo posted 3/13/2019 18:56 PM

Hope all is slowly improving with you Speed

Shockedmom posted 3/14/2019 10:48 AM

Hi SpeedBump.

How are you doing better. How has the IC been going? I hope you are getting enough sleep and finally have an appetite again. Worried about you and hoping things are improving.
Take care.

SpeedBump posted 3/16/2019 11:24 AM

Look who the cat dragged in?!

I'm very sorry again to be gone so long between posts. It's been a heckuva week, emotional, sure, but also busy with work.

Not gonna lie, everyone, last weekend sucked. The session to discuss the timeline was like a knife in my back and through my heart - not enough to kill me but enough to torture me. I have to continue to give him credit because he asked exactly how I wanted the info before we started. Should he sensor his comments to spare my feelings or give details, no matter how graphic? I asked for something in the middle and if I wanted to know more, I would let him know by asking questions and telling him so.

Also, I prepped with my IC by sending her what he sent me. We then went through it and she asked where I might have questions. She also asked if I wanted her to ask any of the harder questions -- especially as it related to the games they were playing with me, if it was too hard for me. I asked her to please do just that and even, if she indeed see the awful games being played, could she please phrase it as a question from her, such as, "I read here where you egged each other on to push the limits of what was an appropriate and platonic relationship in front of Speedbump. What did you hope to gain from that? How did you feel about Speedbump when you agreed to that and then did it? How did you feel afterwards? Why would you agree to what appears to be such cruel actions?" So that is what she did on several occasions.

It was so hard on me and also on him. I couldn't keep my voice from cracking and trembling and that was our cue that she would "assist" me. He was distraught, as he should have been, and he even kept saying he had been trying to mentally prepare but it was far worse than he imagined and he imagined the worst. I'm not sure, knowing what I know now, how awful and painful it is, having the info I know now that I did not know before, if I'd do this again or advise anyone, too. It was that hard and I was useless on Sunday.

There was so much more than I imagined, more came out in the session that wasn't in the timeline. Evidently they did tell each other they loved each other, which started sometime in December. As you can guess, of course he didn't really love her but said it because she said it and it "just felt natural" whatever the hell that means. But he swears he did not ever love her but of course he would tell me that.

More gritty details came out. They took an out of town over-nighter to a little town I have always wanted to visit because a fave author of mine wrote about it so it was on my "list" of must see places. We hadn't managed to get there yet and she (and of course he) knew how much I wanted to go there for a special trip. Now it's forever ruined. They acted like an old married couple when I traveled and took advantage of that and me. Mind you, I'd ask him to come with me but he wouldn't or couldn't most of the time. He even said he rejected those offers more because she griped about it so much if he did travel with me that, to him, it wasn't worth the aggravation. I can't even believe he allowed this to get so far and so messed up and, as you can imagine, of course neither can he. I told him I know how and it's because he's a weak, spineless, horny teenage man child! He didn't disagree. Oh gosh, I can go on and on but just more crap like that was revealed in that call. He hung up a heap of a crying mess while I got my spine back and composed myself by the end of the session somehow. It was truly awful.

WH called me soon after and I did pick up. He was so sorry for his disgusting behavior, for dishonoring me, for spitting on our vows, for destroying what we had built, for hurting me as he has. He is sorry for it all and he loves me. He said he won't even ask for a chance with me because he has no right to ask but if I was willing to consider it, he would be there, no matter when. We had probably our longest and most meaningful talk then and I hung up with a sense of peace I haven't had in some time, a more of an acceptance that this happened and there was nothing I could do to change it. It's so sad and such a waste of what I thought was a really good relationship.

A couple other updates. I'm writing this while at a hair salon cutting off all my hair and changing my hair color...a bit of a fresh start and with my hair so thin at the moment, I'm chopping it short which is a big change. I hope I leave sassy and fierce but we'll see. I could use some sass and ferociousness in my life right now.

On Wednesday I was at a business lunch when I saw a mutual friend from our neighborhood. She saw me head to the bathroom so came in to say hello and asked where I had been and missed me. I had a split second to decide that I wasn't gonna lie or hide my truth so I just told her. I said, well, I decided I wasn't gonna stick around while WH and neighbor were sleeping together and exploring their relationship so I had moved out. She was stunned because she's actually better friends with AP than me and acted like she didn't know. I don't care one way or the other as I won't be staying friends with people from around there that we had socialized with as they are all friends with AP. But of course, she was sorry and acted concerned and very nice and it might have been authentic but I'll never know. All I know is that night, I get a raging email from AP telling me to stop spreading lies about her to her friends who know the real her! OMG,puke! I told her to talk to her boyfriend because he's the one who told me everything. I also berated her for calling me a liar and that I had more information on her than she could ever imagined and if she ever reached out to me again, I would make it all public and destroy her. I listed a lot of the worse things they did, called her a flurry of really really bad names, told her that a painful death for her wasn't enough justice for her, made sure I copied our mutual friend I ran into earlier and WH, hit send and then blocked her. So there was that. And darn if it didn't feel really good afterwards and then of course, really crappy.

You all probably will have strong opinions about what's next but tonight I agreed to meet WH. We are having a casual dinner. He would like to talk and I have to admit, I miss companionship, even just for a dinner date with a traitor. Plus, he has mail and other documents for me so I agreed. I can't explain but I do want to see him and I do have "sad feelings" for him that I don't understand fully myself yet. It's just weird. There are "rules" around it and it's not a date and doesn't mean anything other than I will have dinner.

I'll update on our meeting as soon as I can. Thanks for holding me in your thoughts and prayers. I'm finding some way to make it through but I have a long way to go.

Starzen posted 3/16/2019 11:30 AM

Great to hear from you Speed, and just want to send you the biggest virtual hug ever!

ChamomileTea posted 3/16/2019 11:38 AM

Just wanted to point out the rear-view mirror to you... You've gone from feeling "paralyzed" to handling whatever life has to throw at you like a boss in a mere two months! Wish we had an applause emoji!

((hugs))

Shockedmom posted 3/16/2019 11:54 AM

So glad you checked in! Having it all out in the open is a huge step towards your recovery. No more imagining what may have happened. Having your therapist assist you was brilliant.

Your email response to OW was appropriate. I think she deserved to have her friend and your WH cc'd as well, no rewriting history for her. Neighbors should be wary of the snake in their midst.

While you may have lost a dream getaway town due to their pettiness I hope you find other charming places to visit. If you havenít chanced upon Assisi I highly recommend it. Utterly charming.

I hope your new do makes you feel empowered and beautiful. You are an extraordinary woman and the sass is already built in.

Hoping for better times for you.

[This message edited by Shockedmom at 5:09 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]

GrayShades posted 3/16/2019 12:11 PM

Thanks so much for checking in, SB! It sounds like a crappy experience, but the only way to heal is to go through it, so I'm encouraged (again) that you're not avoiding the storm. And nothing negative from me about your meeting with WH. He sounds remorseful, you sound like you've got the right approach to things, and I trust that you'll do whatever YOU need, wherever that leads. As long as you promise to remember to eat and drink no matter what.

steadychevy posted 3/16/2019 12:27 PM

Thanks for the update. Sometimes we don't know what is happening with our cyber acquaintances and worry a little.

It's just beyond me how the person who said vows with us can carry on with doing such horrendous things like your WH did with their "games" and my WW has done.

There are, of course, feelings for the WS. Unlike them you were committed and invested. You just can't shut that off just like that. At least, I couldn't. They apparently can clear their mind.

Stay strong. You are strong.

MaggieNow1960 posted 3/16/2019 12:40 PM

Speedbump I just wanted to join with the others to tell you I think you've been absolutely amazing through this. Hoping it all becomes a little it easier now.....for all of us.

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