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Being played. Paralyzed.

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HouseOfPlane posted 2/21/2019 08:28 AM

SB, not too soon to look downrange and pick a target.

What are some ideas for where you might be in your life 5 years from now? With all of this stuff in your rear view mirror?

Sending strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 8:28 AM, February 21st (Thursday)]

nekonamida posted 2/21/2019 08:50 AM

Thank you for updating us, SB. Focusing on just your self and your daughter is the best thing that you could be doing right now. You deserve to be first priority! Good luck and may peace find you.

Stevesn posted 2/21/2019 09:47 AM

So please don't worry about me

Sorry, not gonna happen. Weíre gonna worry. Youíre just gonna have to live with that fact

But thatís ok. You need people thinking about you right now.

No problem going silent for a while. Rest and heal, thatís your montra. Donít even waste any energy thinking which direction you will take all of this down the road. That will all sort itself out over time.

But the one thing I, and probably others, will continue to push you on is finding a good IC to work with. Itís second in importance to getting your health back.

So while you are resting, use the time to peruse listings of therapists in your area that might take a more western view of infidelity, and if you canít find any, look for the US based resources that will work with you remotely over skype or FaceTime.

You really need someone to help sort thru your emotions and feelings on all of this. And this is my way of providing you the gentlest of nudges to get that set up.

Take care.

Lalagirl posted 2/21/2019 11:12 AM

So please don't worry about me. I'll be here less but will come around when I have the strength and need. And I'll come around to read all the replies for more detail and meaning again. I find as I go through this and my feelings ebb and flow, info shared here by all of you takes on a different / new meaning under a different lens and under different circumstances. Re-reading them has been beneficial so I do hope you keep sharing and advising, even if I go quiet. I have work to do on myself but this is an important part of that, too.

Well, we will worry, but totally respect your need for space in a all facets of your life at present.


*Side note: Wonder if OW got the books 'o "knowledge". Gotta have a little levity, right?

Booyah posted 2/21/2019 15:35 PM

SpeedBump I know you're hurting.

Please take care of yourself one day at a time.

I know you don't want to worry your loved ones and don't want to feel like you're burdening them with any of this. Reach out to them, let them be there for you, because it's very apparent that you would be there for them.

Praying for you.

RubixCubed posted 2/21/2019 18:43 PM


You sound very cognizant of what your needs are. Take care of yourself, just be aware that if you postpone reading the timeline it will set you back at zero on healing. Don't be surprised when it happens. It's almost like a self-imposed Trickle truth.
Take care and stay strong.

SpeedBump posted 2/22/2019 02:06 AM

Rubix - I've read the timeline. I'm not avoiding. I'm prioritizing.

Coreofsteel posted 2/22/2019 02:31 AM

SB, take care of yourself. I'm thinking of you.

MamaDragon posted 2/22/2019 09:01 AM

I am so in awe at your strength. You have withstood so much already and you are still standing - you are amazing.

Most people would fold and while you are a bit battered emotionally - you are still standing.

You are focusing on what you need, that is one thing most people forget to do. Keep doing that. You are the only one who knows what you can handle, and what you won't handle at this time.

You are in my thoughts.

pureheartkit posted 2/22/2019 09:44 AM

Wishing the best for you SB.

RubixCubed posted 2/22/2019 21:34 PM

Rubix - I've read the timeline. I'm not avoiding. I'm prioritizing.

You're a smart lady with great instincts.

Cooley2here posted 2/22/2019 22:20 PM

I hope you never feel the need to read it again. I wanted him to see it. He needed to see what he had done and the results of it.

Be well.

SpeedBump posted 2/23/2019 08:34 AM


*Side note: Wonder if OW got the books 'o "knowledge". Gotta have a little levity, right?

I appears she did get them. WH told me (via text) she left some books at the door with a note that said, "not funny." I told him he might do well to read them. He doesn't know I sent them but he's probably figured that out. I asked how he knew she left them. It was her personal stationary that gave it away. I laughed and now I'm over it.

On the bright side, I think I found a short-term rental and will get an answer from the owner this week. Real estate is so weird here. Call backs are bad, there is no real central data-base to search for anything and I only got lucky and found this place through a work friend who knows the owner. Of course I also haven't had much time to really work on finding a place but I'm pretty tired of the hotel. If I get it, I can rent it until July. Fingers crossed. That will give me time to, well, I don't know what....but it will give me some time.

I did tell WH that I now know I need STD testing thanks to his timeline and if he were smart he would get it, too. He asked why and I asked if they used condoms. Uhhh, no. I just texted..."dumbass." Now I'm just being mean. Today, I don't really care.

ChamomileTea posted 2/23/2019 09:16 AM

That will give me time to, well, I don't know what....but it will give me some time.

That might be a starting point for you. While I do believe in the healing power of down-time, I also think it can get away from you if you're not proactive at some point. House of Plane mentioned a 5-year plan. What do you think of that? It doesn't necessarily have to reflect your decision regarding the marriage. It could be about your career, your housing accommodations, and lifestyle. I forget where I read this exercise (it might have been The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson???), but the gist of the exercise was to imagine your home being just exactly the way you would like it. It's a creative visualization exercise which allows you to pretend you have whatever resources you need in order to accomplish the perfect setting. The point is to access to your preferences, which is something that is often lost in trauma. You could use this exercise as a jumping off point to begin visualizing your 5-year goals.

I'm hopeful that you'll find some way to engage an IC. It's so important to have someone you can talk to, just to let it all hang out as it were. And if you want to keep the door open to R, it might be good to set up a weekly meeting with your WH. Typically, setting up MC too early in R allows the WS a method to deflect from the adultery onto the marriage. But not talking at all will close the door as time passes. I'm not encouraging you either way. The right answer is the answer which is right for you. You should be aware though that the longer a separation persists the more likely it is to become permanent. If you do decide to allow him some of your time, I would recommend that you limit him by having a plan in place which allows you to step back if he starts pressuring you.


[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 9:17 AM, February 23rd (Saturday)]

Shockedmom posted 2/23/2019 21:47 PM

Fingers crossed for the new place. Roots, even temporary ones should help you find a little peace.

Glad the OW received the books. Worth a chuckle or two just imagining her opening her surprise package.

It still surprises me how dumd cheaters are...why would STD testing be necessary?

kaygem posted 2/24/2019 17:51 PM

You have a lot of self control if all you texted was..."dumbass". I called my fWH names that I didn't know existed until they came out of my mouth and my keyboard in a BS rage moment.

But it's true, WH's are so incredibly stupid during their infidelity. My fwh did use protection but he had oral..I asked him if he knew that oral could pass STD's. No..he did not know that. Dumbasses indeed.

Lalagirl posted 2/26/2019 06:30 AM

WH told me (via text) she left some books at the door with a note that said, "not funny." I told him he might do well to read them. He doesn't know I sent them but he's probably figured that out. I asked how he knew she left them. It was her personal stationary that gave it away. I laughed and now I'm over it.

Oh, OW, but it IS very, very funny.

The STD testing...yeah, not surprised at his response. Sad, but true.

Hope that you've recovered from that nasty flu so you can start living your best life. Fingers crossed you get that rental as well.

SpeedBump posted 2/26/2019 08:51 AM


Hope that you've recovered from that nasty flu so you can start living your best life. Fingers crossed you get that rental as well.

I'm feeling the best that I've felt in some time, though that's not really saying much, but I do feel better, physically. I have been trying to find an online therapist and making some progress there and have a time booked on Friday for a first session/initial consult. I didn't see that this person specialized in infidelity but I know from here that is the goal in getting a good therapist.

Anyway, this all got me to thinking about how unfair this all is and then I saw a post on this sight about how messed up it is that we BSes have to do so much work to recover from something we never asked for or deserved. And now the rabbit hole I'm falling into is anger for the unfairness of it all. I don't have time for this in my life. I know none of us do but I am pretty pissed about that. I had a trajectory for where "we" were headed and I thought he was onboard. This roadblock, detour, different map was not supposed to be part of the plan and now I have to figure it all out and get on the right course? That just sucks!!!

On the bright side, I did get the apartment I mentioned. It's actually more like guest quarters on the property of a bigger house and is pretty nice but very quiet area a bit further out of town. It will be home for the next 4 months. They have family that comes every summer so I have to be out by end of June but that's ok. Maybe I'll have a new plan by then.

Back to the dark side, I peek at that damn timeline and it hurts so much. It doesn't directly address all the awful, terrible, horrible, evil things they did to me but instead minimizes it by using words like "taking risks", "edgy public behavior", "risking being caught", etc. He also admitted that kiss/wink I saw did in fact happen, felt miserable for making me believe otherwise and says he actually felt "sick to my stomach" for what he said to me (the gaslighting, making me think I was nuts) but he was "too far gone" at that point and didn't know how to find his way back from it. He said he was terrified at how close they came to being caught and knew how bad the situation really was. What a genius!

I can't wrap my head around all of that. It's gobbledy-gook to me. Just how horrible can people be to those they supposedly love?

So yeah, lots of sex while I was out of town, house-playing at my house, her house, around town, didn't care that people would see, gave no thought to whether anyone would tell me and it just goes on and on. He tries to shift blame to her really pushing him to do all of it, but then relents several times and admits it was all on him. Still, if he could, he would have her shoulder all the blame. I'm sure of it. He calls their relationship twisted, demented, crazed, not healthy and then admits he must be all those things, too, to have been attracted to that and wants to seek help to figure it out. Sheesh! Ya think?

Here's the question I have. How do I get past it, with or without my marriage intact, if I don't talk to him about it? Is it possible? I'm stuck in that land of "paralysis" again. I'm basically NC with him, unless I want to lash out but I definitely am not having any meaningful conversation at all with him. Is it possible to heal without dealing with the "abuser" and getting answers? Just to be clear, I really do think I want to hear it all from him but I'm where this all started in the first place...unable to make a decision for fear of the outcome and I don't even have any idea what that would be. Paralysis. It's not my friend.

beauchateaux posted 2/26/2019 09:53 AM

Hi friend.

I wish I had good advice to give here. I'll say that if I were you, now that I have the timeline, I'd want to force him to sit down and go through it with me. I'd want him to have to look me in the face while I asked all the questions I needed him to answer, and in person it's harder for him to get away with minimizing and blameshifting because you can just call him on it right then and there.

Then, I think I'd take my cues on what to do next based on how he reacted to that initial interaction. Especially if you're undecided on whether you want to give him another chance or not.

I'd really be looking for accountability and transparency. I wouldn't tolerate any defensiveness, blameshifting, minimizing, self-pity, bawling and crying, that kind of stuff. I wouldn't take kindly to him resorting to general crap like saying "I'm so sorry" over and over - that is useless.

You could also, since you had the iPad, ask him some questions you already know the answers to and see if he is honest, or if he is still inclined to lie to you.

I don't know. That's just what I would do, because I feel like regardless of R or D, to NOT do this would be like letting him off the hook. I'd feel like he should have to say it all to my face, to answer for it and endure a really thorough grilling about his awful behavior. Then, I'd see how I felt after that. But your mileage may vary - this just might be a good place to start.

I will say, just my opinion - I'd pick a quiet, private place to have this conversation, and I'd do it sooner than later. The longer you wait, the worse it'll feel - right now, you're already hurting and angry from having to read through his stupid timeline. Don't wait until you've gotten to a slightly better place in processing it, only to have to rip the scab off again by talking about it and having to hear whatever else he's going to say. He needs to understand that everything that's going to come out needs to come out now and not later, because any new stuff you find out way down the road is going to put you right back at how you felt on D-Day.

Good luck, SB. Thinking of you.

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 9:59 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

Coreofsteel posted 2/26/2019 11:43 AM

SB all of what you're feeling is how I reacted. I started with shock, then anxiety, then trying to fix it, and then anger. Anger for me was mobilizing. I used it to get myself physically away for awhile. As you can see you're doing similar.

If there is any wish for R, it would be good to work through the timeline now and get all the details that you think you need. I thought I had them all too, but was shocked to find out new information ("trickle truth"). It was that new information that finally broke us. That and his willingness to "gaslight" me about what was happening.

There are going to be lots of feelings coming and the roller coaster is real. Ride the waves. It gets better no matter what you decide to do. You don't have to decide anything now.

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