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Being played. Paralyzed.

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Edie posted 2/19/2019 11:36 AM

Iím very sorry Speedbump. It sounds like you are probably getting the full and unvarnished truth in the timeline. Has he finished it?

susieque2 posted 2/19/2019 11:44 AM

I second Booyah --- out them to everyone they know -- especially the neighbors! They are both sociopaths and deserve no mercy.

The1stWife posted 2/19/2019 11:47 AM

Iím sorry but glad you have come to the realization that you cannot Reconcile. At least you did not waste time trying - it can be a set back as well when you come to the realization that it just wonít work.

I posted early in this thread that tithe issues were challenging because if the cruelty - intended cruelty. The daring and tau ting and gaslighting. All of this was done with very cruel intentions towards you.

That is different from Affairs - which are hurtful to the BS- but there is no intent to inflict malice on the BS.

Hope you get through this ok. Maybe taking back your control and power will help you during this process.

Forks027 posted 2/19/2019 12:01 PM

Wow. And just when I thought I had heard it all.

There really is no limit to the depths theyíd sink to, huh?

Iím sorry it had to come to this. You are your first priority now.

Wishing you strength.

ETA: Good call on the house. They officially tainted it

[This message edited by Forks027 at 12:14 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]

nekonamida posted 2/19/2019 12:10 PM

It's like he WANTED to get caught (a "quickie while you were in the shower"?).

I wondered this too. Sickeningly bold of your WH to go through with that, SB. Do everything that you need to for your own health and well being.

Stevesn posted 2/19/2019 12:22 PM


Still so sorry for your pain. I assume you received the timeline from him via email. Is that true?

If so, take some time from talking to him, even if itís about D. Reading this all is shocking and you need to save your strength and energy for physical healing right now.

If he put that in there I am assuming he did a relatively thorough job. Is that true? Or do you think he was holding more back. That incident was pretty bad so I am hoping you got close to the full story from him.

Remember if you do take the path of separating and eventual D, that doesnít mean you have to forego IC and healing. That has to happen with or without him. So I still think itís important that you find a good IC that specializes in Infidelity relatively quickly. Even if itís one in the US on skype, you need that support. So while youíre resting try and google some to interview.

Lastly Iíll just say this, many a BS found out awful things their WS did during the A and they decided it was a deal breaker and move out of the relationship, ended the marriage, and worked to find their happiness elsewhere.

There are also many stories of couples where the WS was very hurtful while cheating, did the work, found their remorse, supported their BS thru healing and years later found themselves in a stronger M than they had before. I hope he does this introspection whether or not you guys end up together.

No path is a guarantee, but also no one will blame you for choosing what you feel is right for you.

We will support you any which way you go. Itís your life, you get to decide. And the beauty is you donít have to do it right now, or if you do, youíre allowed to change your mind at any time.

For the moment, build back your strength. Only focus on that. Itís of the utmost importance. Because youíre gonna need it to find your way out.

Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:25 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]

Cooley2here posted 2/19/2019 12:42 PM

I have to tread lightly here because there are so many bs still in pain. I think what sets your story apart is the thrill ďkillĒ he got out of it. I equate it to a Peeping Tom who could get caught at any moment. It is the tension, the fear, the thrill that gives them some sort of rush. Who is this man? Where did he come from? He is the same guy who planned with you to find a new, exciting adventure. He is the same guy who explored new places. It is the dichotomy that was driving you crazy and perplexing all of us. Again, I ask the question...who is this man?
Heal first. Go to work. Deal with this later.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 12:43 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]

steadychevy posted 2/19/2019 12:59 PM

Personally, I don't think he wanted to get caught. I think the prospect of maybe getting caught enhanced the thrill. It was for the thrill. I also think that having got away with it and you joining them to have a wonderful evening with your husband and "friend" was also a powerful aphrodisiac. They are sick and evil. They enjoyed getting all of this over on you and you were so ignorant of it. Power for them. Now you know.

I agree with Booyah, too, about telling the neighbours not wanting to get caught.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 1:01 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]

Furious1 posted 2/19/2019 13:33 PM

SpeedBump, I am so sorry. I truly can relate to how it feels. My STBXWH did some really awful things along those lines to me as well.

Please take care of yourself. I truly hope that you will reach out for help if you are feeling suicidal. I hope that you are using that phrase as a figure of speech, but please do not hurt yourself. Go to the nearest ER if you are even remotely tempted to hurt yourself.

I've been in the position of wanting to die because the pain of what my STBXWH did with numerous OW (including my sister) was so overwhelming. I promise you that you can recover from this and go on to heal. Hugs.


SpeedBump posted 2/19/2019 13:43 PM

F1- thank you for the concern and rest assured, I am not suicidal. Only meant I have done nothing but put my health in jeopardy since this tragedy, otherwise known as my new reality, started. I have to pull myself back from the brink now.

free2016 posted 2/19/2019 14:16 PM

SB, you are going to be fine. First weeks, months after DDay are brutal, but it will pass. In fact, in a way, I pity your WH, to live with the knowledge of own sh.tiness of such degree. No thank you..

ShutterHappy posted 2/19/2019 14:33 PM

Speed bump,

I suggest that you seek support from your family, from "real people" and not only SI. Do not allow yourself to hurt and grieve alone.

Also, I know it is hard to believe right now, but in the long run, you will be just fine, just like all the other posters on JFO.

Hang in there!

PricklePatch posted 2/19/2019 14:53 PM

You just canít make this cray cray up. Sending you hugs!

Booyah posted 2/19/2019 14:57 PM

So she runs over to your home for a "quickie" and than the three of you go see a movie together.

SpeedBump I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around how F'd up this is and I'm so sorry that you've had to experience this shit show.

We're all concerned for you and praying that you take care of yourself. Don't want you back in the hospital.

You're juggling quite a bit right now. Is it possible to confide with your boss what you're going through right now? You need as much support as you can get right now.

As others have suggested please follow up with the IC. Also wondering if any SI members would be able to turn you on to their therapist and to find out if they could Skype with you?

Please hang in there SpeedBump and know that you have quite a few people praying for you.

heartbroken_kk posted 2/19/2019 15:20 PM

Hi Speedbump, I'm so sorry that you've learned new info about their cheap thrills at your expense. It's heartbreaking and devastating all over again.

Since you've decided this is your dealbreaker, it's time to adjust your focus.

It will be difficult to get through the next couple of days because you have to retrain your brain about what to think about, what to pay attention to.

Infidelity and trying to understand this stuff causes hypervigilance, where you pay attention to little details and mull over information to try to bring everything into focus.

And now, all that information isn't really helpful anymore. You've made your decision and from now on, nothing in your past really needs to be thought about for the next couple of weeks. You no longer have to strive to understand the story, get details, work out why he did this and who he is. Soon enough, he will be gone out of your life.

If you need to get things out of your head you can use SI as a journal, writing your thoughts and feelings out. You can vent here if you need to. It helps us if you write "just venting, not really looking for advice" or something so we can support you in the way that you need.

Otherwise, now is the time to refocus your brain on YOU and your future. Your path forward. Your new life ahead of you. Focus on the first couple of steps as well as some medium-term ones. When you start thinking of the OW or the A, redirect your thoughts to something right in front of you.

I kept a notebook when I was going through the period between separating and divorce. I used it to anchor me. I wrote down the date in the morning at the top of a page and listed some goals and a few tasks. If I started ruminating on WH and his APs, I would try to pick up my journal and look at my list, add a task, maybe do a task. It helped keep me sane. Goals like "Eat well today" can be followed by "make a salad" "drink a protein shake". You can also put things down like "Research lawyers" and "call legal office 1, 2, 3"

You might feel relief that you have made your decision, followed by despair, doubt, anger, etc. The roller coaster may be a little rough. Just remember that the lows will be followed by a climb out of the pit soon. And overall, you will start seeing more better days ahead.


HouseOfPlane posted 2/19/2019 15:53 PM

No advice, just wanted to say that that b-l-o-w-s. But I'm not surprised.

The sooner you can detach who you are from who he is, the sooner the pain dissipates.

Ok, that was kind of advice...

Sending strength!

Zenkitty posted 2/19/2019 16:26 PM very sorry. With each bit of new information it will be another stab in the heart.
Only when you know or feel sure you have all the sordid disgusting facts that you can start to heal yourself. You either need to NOT ask him for any other information or make sure you let him know that for your sake for your healing that you need to have all the facts. Itís not about R but rather about your healing. This is why stupid betrayers who trickle truth facts are doing so much damage.
At this point it is not about R or D. It is just about you trying to salvage yourself.
I did a lot of therapy online as I live isolated. I also did some phone therapy for when I felt really angry and confused. The first year I was an utter mess and went from D to R often.
My H was still in immature Ďcaught in the headlightsí mode with no clue of what to do and no idea of how to even start to remedy the relationship.
It is a big big learning curve for everyone and everyone has differing circumstances. You are getting lots of advice here and often it can be conflicting so you need to try to look very deep into your inner feelings every now and then. Step back and assess the bigger picture.
Bear in mind ...the stupidity of betrayers living in their little fantasy word and how the OW was manipulative. I suspect she was the one suggesting and initiating mostly as it was all a game to her and men are so easily lured.
All a woman had to do was smile at my husband....he was such an idiot. Hates who he was.
First aid here is to look after your physical health and get some help with some mental clarity. So often therapists would ask the question...what is it that you want? So hard to answer that because most often what I wanted was my old life back. The one before I found out I was married to a man who lied for thirty years. But did I really want that?
I know I wanted a truthful and honest person to be my partner. I wanted to share my life with someone who would always think of me first. The next step for me was to work out if my H could ever become this person because at the time he was very far from it. For him he had to make a choice as well...file away all the damage and lies and deceit of the PAST THIRTY years and envision what he wanted in his life going forward. What sort of a man did he really want to be? Once he worked out that he really did not think the life of lies and deceit were worth the shallow ego hits with vacuous women he was able to start to rebuild himself. He had to really mature as he was stuck in an 18 yr old mindset. It is taking a lot of work.
Sadly some betrayers will still lie and deceive in R and this is the hardest part for so many people in R. It will lead to D and time will have been wasted.
I am not sure that I was ever convinced that my H was telling the truth but I do know that sometimes I remember thinking that is would have taken a lot of effort and determination for H to stayed in the work of R because it was hard going. So many arguments and discussions. So much anger and sadness. So much emotions and feelings to work through. A lesser man still intent on deceit would have walked away. It is the easier road.
As I write today I am full of emotion as it is five years today that I first saw texts on his phone and those feelings of shock and hurt are never far away. My whole world changed.
I am sure I would rather be where I am today than the woman who I was before I saw the text. I have become more emotionally intelligent and of course not so trusting....
Good luck Speedbump. Xxxxxx

Cooley2here posted 2/19/2019 18:29 PM

This was not an affair. This was a conspiracy. When you have a bored man and a predatory woman you have an inevitable crash.

Every marriage is different. Yours is unusual in that you agreed to move countries. This was exciting and new. For you work in a new environment added to the fun of exploring a new country. For him it sounds like he ran out of exciting things to do. Unless he is a construction/building nut he probably got bored doing the thing he thought he would enjoy.

This is no excuse for his cheating. It just makes the question of how he thought this new life was going to go. What would he have done if you found them in the midst of the sex act? Did he care if you did? How did he think you were going to react?

This is not a teenager. He is a man of a grown son. How does he think his life is going to go now? What happens when his son finds out? Most people in affairs donít think but he was even past that. He was dangling by a thread over a chasm.

You need therapy to help process grief. He needs it to grow up.

No one can tell you what to do. What we can suggest is for you to make sure you get your health back and your job going.

pearlamici posted 2/19/2019 19:26 PM

Go on amazon and buy her an old copy of A Star is Born - she'll be sick thinking he told you that. Just for fun.

Buster123 posted 2/19/2019 19:59 PM

I'm sorry for the trauma you're WH has put you through, the quickie while you were in the shower shows a level of disrespect and disregard that it's very difficult to forgive and definitely a deal-breaker even on a stand alone basis, please get rid of this evil cheater and don't look back, you definitely deserve much better than this, now that you have made the decision to D, it's time to pick yourself up and get ready to fight, if he didn't care about you while being married to you, you need to be ready for what's coming now that you've told him about your decision, get a pitbull lawyer to protect your assets and don't concede anything. In a couple of years you will look back and realize this was a good decision, I still haven't seen anyone who has regretted divorcing a cheater.

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