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Being played. Paralyzed.

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whodidimarry posted 2/17/2019 01:53 AM

I'm glad you live in a part of Europe where Amazon is reliable. In my part of Europe, not so much. And I miss it so.

The thing is though that if you ordered through her account, she probably knows, no? Amazon sends an immediate email confirming the order.

I remember TOC. What an amazing person she was. I think of her and her strength often. I felt really bad for her WH at the end of it all. I thought he was a good candidate for R. But she knew what she wanted and needed.

whodidimarry posted 2/17/2019 01:53 AM

Duplicate post

[This message edited by whodidimarry at 1:54 AM, February 17th, 2019 (Sunday)]

whodidimarry posted 2/17/2019 01:53 AM

Triplicate post

[This message edited by whodidimarry at 1:54 AM, February 17th, 2019 (Sunday)]

fadedrainbow posted 2/17/2019 02:22 AM

I think it's brilliant Speedbump. Very creative. We were living in a foreign country when my XH had his A. When my XH finally confessed and I found out she was from the US like me it was an extra kick in the teeth. My XH is not American. Mind you she didn't live next door. I called her and had a long conversation with her. I was really nice and was a brilliant actress, calm and collected. At that point she was still 'heartbroken' that he had dumped her. She spilled the whole story and filled in details my XH refused to give me. I sensed she was telling the truth. After that I sent her the most scathing letter shaming her and basically saying what a low human being she was. I never knew if she got it. I didn't care and I never regretted it.

ShutterHappy posted 2/17/2019 05:37 AM


You will find a variety of opinions here. I think that most are against any sort of pushback. For me, as long as it doesn’t land you in any legal trouble and you don’t get stuck on the AP too long, why not?

In a previous story here, a BH punched an AP. Not a good idea, specially in the US with stand your ground laws.. Sending books? Ok. It makes you feel better and you move on.

You’ll need to realize that AP are insignificant broken human being. I view them as the tool that help us discover the true nature of our WS.

Cooley2here posted 2/17/2019 07:34 AM

You need to permanently delete her info from your devices. This straddles the legal fence and you have enough stress in your life.
I understand why you did it but she needs to be completely gone from your life.
If he doesn’t give you a timeline you have your answer.
Just keep healing.

Booyah posted 2/17/2019 07:58 AM

If I was a betting man I think there's a high probability that your H is going to say to you about documenting the timeline that "it's so hard" just as he said to you when trying to book an IC session.

You mentioned previously that your H isn't "lazy". If he drags this out (timeline) and comes up with excuses or comments like "it's so hard" it will speak Volumes. Words are just that....words. Actions mean EVERYTHING!!!

He had no problem rushing over to "help" the skank next door. That wasn't "so hard" for him.

jb3199 posted 2/17/2019 08:14 AM

I don't know, Booyah…..I think that he is going to actively work on the timeline. It may need to be redone more than once, and he might need some 'direction' on what is exactly needed, but I'd be surprised if it wasn't his top priority.

I do believe that SpeedBump has made it extremely clear that she wants little else from him at this time. That it is her main need right now, and he desperately wants to I can't imagine him trying to ignore this.

sinsof thefather posted 2/17/2019 09:15 AM

I tend to agree. I may be wrong, but my gut says that although his games were very cruel, he's genuinely sorry for all of it. Speedbump, I hope he steps up to the plate and writes this timeline out for you. I think you've been amazingly strong - even if you don't feel that way. R or divorce, you do what's right for you. You'll get a lot of support here either way.

Booyah posted 2/17/2019 09:30 AM

JB of course he'll work on it.

My comment was referring to in what time frame and is it accompanied with childlike comments like "it's so hard".

How much effort will he put into it and how forthcoming will he be? Time will tell.

HouseOfPlane posted 2/17/2019 10:55 AM

SB, because you were friends with her, you have a genuine relationship with both parties. You may want to confront her directly. If so, you should do it (my opinion).

If you do, it should be the opposite of with your WH. With him, you listened and didn't say much. With her, you should just be in transmit. Let her know that you know what she is, and that no matter what she puts over on anyone else, the two of you will know The Truth.

The OM in my case was a friend. I confronted and let him know exactly what I thought of him, and ignored everything he said. He didn't matter any more. He was just an 'it'. It was all good.

SpeedBump posted 2/17/2019 11:22 AM

HouseofPlane - yes, because she was my friend, I've really struggled with just letting her off the hook. When the AP is a stranger, I agree they owe us nothing and we should not fixate on them. When they are a friend or family, I think all bets are off and they owe us ... I don't know what. We deserve an explanation? Retribution? We deserve something and now I have my something. I'm good and it is out of my system. I giggle when I think of it.

Whodidimarry - I didn't order on her acct, it was on mine. We never set up an acct for her, just added her payment info and address to my acct for things she wanted. I received all the order emails and will get all the delivery notices. I'm not the least bit worried about the legal implications. It's like $225. And I have a plethora of text messages she'd like to keep private. Blackmail? Perhaps. But which is worse to someone who likes everyone to think they are stand up and amazing? I'm not above using the tools I have.

Just an update - he has emailed me and says he is working on the timeline and wanted to know how I wanted email, letter or face to face.

Hmmm? Can I get a consensus?

NoOptTo posted 2/17/2019 11:48 AM

Speed bump

Have have to say, though you feel like your not doing well, I think you have handled yourself VERY well with the shitsandwich you were dfelt. I love the idea of sending her all those books. You feel better for doing it, and that is all that matters. As for your WH, have him email you the timeline. It will give you it over ,digest it, match it up with the info you have. Then if you so choose to meetup with him to discuss it, you can choose to... when and where you want to.

This is your recovery from the abuse he has inflicted on you. Take your time. Look after you. Hope your starting to feel better from the flu. Hopefully you can start eating a little more each day. Your in my prayers. You are definitely stronger then you think you are. And your WH knows that now, and he is scrambling to save face.

whodidimarry posted 2/17/2019 12:08 PM

Email. Then you can think it over and ask more questions. Then you can meet him face to face and ask him to read it out loud.

TheGuy123 posted 2/17/2019 12:08 PM

IMHO the books were a game well played!

Good job and I'm glad you got that out of your system.

susieque2 posted 2/17/2019 12:11 PM

Personally I would request email - as NoOptTo said it will give you time to compare it to the info you have.

And I wouldn't rush to have another meet with him -- let him stew awhile. Has he made any attempt to schedule IC for himself? Not sure what's available there but know it must be different than in the US.

Did he ever explain why he broke NC when he went there to fix her 'leak'???

Stay hydrated, eat and just breathe ---- your health is your priority right now.

Shockedmom posted 2/17/2019 12:40 PM

Have you delved back into the iPad for more informational? If you consider yourself well armed with the latest contact and feel strong enough for a face to face that might be best. You can watch his face as you read through the timeline and judge for yourself as to his sincerity.

Cooley2here posted 2/17/2019 13:50 PM

Both. You need time to read it. Then print it out and make him read it out loud as you question anything that he left out. This is your criteria, not his.

PurvisShort posted 2/17/2019 14:22 PM

Hey, Speed,

You've dealt with a tough situation really well. Kudos for keeping cool and being strategic during the crucible. It's a rough road but those who keep their heads the way you have done survive and are able to move forward in a much more healthy way. Good job also expressing your feelings to your WH and the AP as well. So often people take the mythical "high road" and just let the wayward spouse and OW/OM off the hook. Way to strike back.

The question now is what is your plan moving forward? Reconciliation is completely your choice, but what you choose will dictate the strategy you put in place.

Whatever you do, don't reveal your source of intel. You've smartly kept that close to the vest. Don't ever let him know how you know what you know.

One red flag that popped up was that your husband hasn't blocked the OW. Your strong actions did the important work of snapping him out of the fog, but not completely. Affairs are addicting, and it is very hard for those in the fog to put down the crack pipe. If there's a crack house nearby, it will be very difficult for your husband, who it seems to me is sincere in his desire to reconcile, to kick the habit. Therefore, if you plan to reconcile or even if you want time to decide whether or not to reconcile, he will need end contact with the OW for life. This includes moving out of the house, blocking her on his phone, social media and all apps. He will have to move out too so he is nowhere near the OW's house. I would recommend that you move in the home until it is sold and he be the one to move out. I would also ask him to write a letter of no contact that you review and have him deliver to her. This isn't a goodbye letter. Rather it simply states his regrets for hurting his wife, whom he dearly loves, and plainly states that he will never contact the OW again, and she should not try to contact him either. Zero niceities. This letter will complement the other literature you've already gifted her.

If you decide to take him back, just be aware that if he did this once, he can do it again. It happens often as you can see by reading the stories here. Personally, I'm a believer in second chances, especially for a commitment that is supposed to be for life. I gave my ex WW a second chance. She cheated again, and I divorced her again..and for good. But I don't regret giving her that second chance because I can sleep knowing that I did all that I could to restore my marriage and family. Not every person who cheats does it again, and there are successful cases of reconciliation.

Take your time and make the decision you believe is best for you. But at the same time, put in place clear boundaries and agreements that your WH must adhere to in the meantime in order for reconciliation to have a chance if you decide to take that route.

Finally, infidelity is very painful and those experience it go through a grieving process that takes time. Respect the process and give it the time it needs. You will start to feel much better now that you've taken decisive action. But the flurries of angst, anger, and pain will revisit you and there will things that trigger them. Very glad you have family back home who can support you. This too shall pass. I promise. You are well on your way. Cheers!

Furious1 posted 2/17/2019 17:23 PM

I would get the timeline in writing either through email or through snail mail, but I would not have it delivered face to face if it were me. You will need time, space, and privacy to process the timeline. You will also want to check it against the facts and dates that you already know about. Plus, you may want and need time to digest it all after you do verify it against what you know. I made the mistake of doing it face to face with my STBXH. Big, big mistake on my part because he pressured me to keep his feelings and what he wanted front and center while I was still reeling in shock from it all. Take all of the time that you need to process it all and then decide when, where, and how you want to meet with him to discuss it or if you even want to discuss it with him at all.

You are doing a great job with sorting through this.


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