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Being played. Paralyzed.

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Coreofsteel posted 2/16/2019 13:00 PM

I'm too am sorry if I came across too strongly. Of course I don't know the whole situation. My apologies.

Hurtmyheart posted 2/16/2019 14:27 PM

Speedbump, I feel your WH has not processed the pain of losing his first wife and also has built up resentment towards you and your success while he stays home. It used to be that men had that need to be the head of the household in terms of finances. I'm sure he feels belittled because you are the breadwinner and on top of it, successful!

Three unresolved issues he needs to work on, the untimely death of his first wife and his resentments toward you and his own insecurities about himself and why he thought it was acceptable to take his hurt, anger and resentment out on you. These are my thoughts anyway. Sad he has decided to take out on you any unresolved issues but it does happen to those who are closest to us. My WH took his pain and "lack of" out on me also. My WH behavior was extremely cruel toward me also. If most knew the emotional pain my WH inflicted on me, they would be shocked! I am shocked and today so is my WH. Today, I wouldn't put up with or allow any of what my WH did against me and our marriage. Today, if my WH chose to walk down that ugly path again, I would be done.

Your WH A and his cruel behavior has opened the door to ALL communication, if there is any chance of R, not forgiveness but acceptance and willingness to allow him to make things right. I really don't believe in forgiveness because to me it is about the death a a marriage as you knew it and the hope's to learn to live with a new version of marriage. No more shutting you down about anything you want to talk about! And if he does try to shut you down ever again, you have been given the green light to unleash all thoughts and emotions on him. Please don't hold back because if he truly loves you, he would accept any requests you present to him.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 11:32 PM, February 16th (Saturday)]

Lolow posted 2/16/2019 16:09 PM

Speed bump, be kind to yourself. You are in a place many donít understand, the pain of infidelity is often misunderstood and underestimated, it was misunderstood by myself right up until I experienced it.

You are doing great. Itís ok to take the time you need, there is no reason right now that you need to rush your decisions. From your story, you are a strong lady, it may not feel like it right now, but infidelity brings us to our knees and exposes our every vulnerability within ourselves, we second guess, we ugly cry, we bargain and beg.... even if itís only to ourselves. To be able to stand up, to start making any decisions...... you are strong and you are doing great.

One of the things that has always concerned me about this forum is the aspect of being told ďYOU MUST DO.......Ē or being told what your ws is thinking or feeling or why he is acting in a certain way. We donít know you, we donít know your WS, we donít know the Intricacies of your marriage or the life around you, in short, we are not living your life and cannot tell, conjole or demand any action from you. This is your life speedbump, you are the one who is best placed to make those decisions and if you donít know what they are yet, then thatís ok too. You are not far out from DD, still being a bit paralyzed, thatís ok.

The opinions on this forum arenít gospel, they arenít always going to work for you. Take what works and leave the rest. What people post here is meant with good intention and without malice, but we have our own stories too, sometimes what we have experienced can alter our views and reactions.

Remember to be kind to yourself, you are experiencing trauma and turmoil. Itís ok to not have all the answers right now.

SpeedBump posted 2/16/2019 17:30 PM

Hey Everyone - no apologies needed. This is all new for me. I've never engaged with forums so have no idea what to expect. It's all a learning curve for me. Clearly my emotions are off the charts. I'm still just trying to process.

One thing I forgot to mention was I did tell WH I would want a timeline of his A before I'd give any consideration to trying to repair our marriage and that even then that was no guarantee. But for sure without it, any hope was lost. He wasn't really sure what that even was or what it should include. All I told him was he could do his own research and find info to get help but I wanted all the details about his A from the beginning. I didn't give any deadline. We'll see how it goes.

He's emailed asking if I need anything. I've only replied with "how's that timeline coming along?"

We'll see. I'm still trying to shake the remains of the flu but am so much better. Thank you for your continued support and sharing your own life stories. I feel so less lonely.

SpeedBump posted 2/16/2019 18:28 PM

I already know I'll take heat for this post but I gotta get it out anyway. So AP neighbor WAS at one point my friend. Granted, I haven't known her for years and years but when WH and I bought our house almost 2 years ago, we met right away and became fast friends. She's also American but has lived here for many years. It was nice to have a friend "from home" nearby and because she knew the area so well, she was a great source of info for us. I felt...dare I say it...blessed to meet her. Ugh!!! How very wrong I was.

So all that to say I can't just ignore her and "let it go" even though I know it's best. I am so upset about her betrayal and struggling with it, even though I started pulling away from her months ago. Still, she never knew that I knew until after I confronted WH. But I've been stewing on how to handle the rage I feel for her and what to say for awhile. I finally decided how to get out my rage and I "handled" it today.

I ordered about 200 euros worth of books from Amazon on the subject of sociopaths and pychopaths. One book is even titled "The Sociopath Next Door". I didn't even read what it was about but the title clinched it! I also added a few titles about affairs including "The End of the Affair"and ones about "sisterhood" like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, In Her Shoes and My Sister's Keeper, as though I still think she has a soul that can be saved.

Lastly, I included books of notorious female criminals from Aileen Wournos to Caylee Anthony and even Lizzy Borden. I had each book wrapped and only wrote "from a secret admirer" or on the books about the criminals, I wrote "it helps to seek comfort among like-minded friends."

So yeah, they should all be arriving across the next few days to AP's house. Best part is that I set up and showed her how to shop on Amazon here which she had never done before, and so her info including credit card is all on my computer. So she paid for it all.

Completely immature and a waste of energy, I know. But still...

I might add this didn't come to me organically. Someone here sent me the link to TurntheOtherCheek's story which I finally read through. What a lady! In case you don't know what she did, her husband slept with a woman named Candy so she stuck candy skittles all over their house, even in the toilets, before she moved out. I died laughing reading about that.

So I tried to think of something equally "classy", if you can call it that. I also believe you can never go wrong by gifting someone a book.

I fully expect 2x4s but you should know ... I'm not sorry.

Cooley2here posted 2/16/2019 18:35 PM

A psychologist told a friend of mine that if you are emotionally attached to someone it only takes them a week to drive you crazy. Literally crazy. That is why you were so overwhelmed because it was madness and you did not have any armor against it. What we hoped to do here was to give you that armor to protect yourself. Besides falling apart and having the flu you have shown a great deal of heroic strength.
Keep looking after yourself.

max2018 posted 2/16/2019 18:39 PM

For me


You need to take of yourself

That's what matters now

You can't think with a clear head without being healthy

Everything takes a back seat for now

susieque2 posted 2/16/2019 18:40 PM

Absolutely brilliant!!!!!

That has to make you feel just a tiny bit better ----

Kudos to you SpeedBump ---- a classy way of letting off some anger!!

Zenkitty posted 2/16/2019 19:09 PM

Oh....Speedbump.....I think that the amazon books is so funny. Yes you might get some heat but being a BS myself tho nearly five years out I think you have handled this very classy. I laughed so much and will continue to do so all day. And she paid for much better.
Realistically you are helping her out....hahahaha....
Two of my husbands OW were my friends as well. It brings a whole new hurt into the situation.
I am following your thread because I admire your strength and intelligence.
Keep on doing a good job and remember that in the end only you will know what is best for you.
You go girl xxxxx

HouseOfPlane posted 2/16/2019 19:32 PM

Itís a good thing you didnít sign her up for an Ashley Madison account.

GrayShades posted 2/16/2019 19:36 PM

Perfect! And if she tries to pursue a complaint against you, you can always claim an "oopsie!" My WH's AP was also a 'friend' in that she was an acquaintance of both of us but then started laying her groundwork by pushing a friendship with me to get into position to proposition him. This culminated in her stalking us through her then tween's social media connection with our son. My WH was an idiot and didn't realize that she'd admitted to that on the same night she propositioned him. I didn't put two and two together then because I just thought she was an overinvolved parent. It was 9 months later when I caught the A that I realized how she'd been ingratiating herself for years into our lives (not to excuse him, at all -- he should have shut that door immediately and told me!). I did dress her down on several occasions, but your revenge was much more clever than my just yelling at her that her sexual technique stunk in excruciating detail -- you don't grab hold hard when you do that, you stupid bitch (per my WH, who knows if it was true but I don't care) and that she's an attention whore (definitely true). Hmmm .. maybe I'll order some stuff to send to her since I've just found out this week that she's split from her BH of 25 years and moved in with some new guy.

GrayShades posted 2/16/2019 20:19 PM

Now spending my evening finding coffee mugs with appropriate messages for the POSOW as a housewarming gift. So far I've found "attention whore," "homewrecker," "the problem with being a kept woman is the rent is always due," and "I love married men."

susieque2 posted 2/16/2019 20:36 PM

GrayShades --- perhaps you could come up with some of your own and market them------- Talk about a small business plan ---!!!!

Terrain posted 2/16/2019 20:45 PM

Thanks for the fun post, I love your sense of humor.

I hope you hear something when the books start arriving!

Hope you are able to move on from this with peace and really take care of yourself. Hugs to you!

Shockedmom posted 2/16/2019 22:20 PM

Oh to be a fly on the wall when she opens her Amazon packages! Iím giggling already.
Hopefully she is blocked on all social media, email and phone. She is likely to pitch an ugly fit, poor baby.

Wishing you continued healing. I do appreciate your sense of humor.

PricklePatch posted 2/16/2019 22:35 PM

I remember Candy the dog walker home Wrecker!

I think your gifts to the OW are priceless.


sinsof thefather posted 2/16/2019 23:31 PM

"The Sociopath Next Door"

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 11:33 PM, February 16th (Saturday)]

OrdinaryDude posted 2/16/2019 23:37 PM are my hero!

pureheartkit posted 2/17/2019 01:36 AM

Speedy......time to detach from OW.

You and only you. Do healing things for yourself. Ordering with her account is not letting go. Let this drama die.

SpeedBump posted 2/17/2019 01:42 AM

Pureheartkit- I don't think you heard me. I'd also like to meet one person on here that didn't give energy to thinking about the AP. And mine was my friend and neighbor. Please don't tell me be to stronger than all other people here. I'm not special. I spelled out clearly I couldn't just let it pass. I did what felt like a cleansing ceremony for me and I'm moving past that so please don't lecture me. I didn't ask to be told thinking about her was bad, wrong, stupid or anything else. But I also knew I'd take heat for it and there it is.

[This message edited by SpeedBump at 1:44 AM, February 17th (Sunday)]

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