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Being played. Paralyzed.

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stubbornft posted 2/15/2019 14:12 PM

I agree with all of the above and it makes me so mad and sad that he did these dare games with her that were mocking you.

I also donít see why in all these years he couldnít work to make you feel loved and important. You didnít need to feel less than his wife that passed. You should have been made to know you were important to him and not #2. If he wasnít ready to do that then he wasnít ready to remarry. It is like he was trying to keep you feeling insecure and less than, like he needed to keep you feeling a little unsteady. That is not love.

The cruel games they played are just over the top. I think you are doing great. I hope you can rest and eat and get yourself healthy and ready to move forward.

SpeedBump posted 2/15/2019 18:03 PM

I've been reading a lot of the responses since my post this morning. Earlier today I had to stop reading as I wasn't taking them very well. I know I'm not in a good state, physically, mentally and emotionally so was probably too raw at the time I read them. I have now gone back and re-read a few and they don't feel as bad reading them the second-time around but I still want to clarify a few things.

Just because I have let him stay does not mean I have decided to try to R with him. It also doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. I know what he has done to me is monstrous. I haven't forgotten and I doubt I ever will. But I also am not in any physical danger, nor do I think I'm in any psychological danger. If anything, he has to see, though I am sick, I am not weak! I see right through him, his games aren't working on me. I let him stay with me because for the last few days, I literally could not care for myself. So why shouldn't I use him to care for me? I think I deserved at least that. Plus, if he's here, I'm not wasting energy thinking about where he is and if he is with her. I mean it was Valentine's Day this week. The last thing I would have wanted was to wonder about that. Right or wrong, I felt it gave me some control and also, I think it was pure hell for him to have see me this way. And bonus, now he feels sick and may be coming down with the flu!!!

When I told him how I felt like 2nd best to Wife#1, I didn't explain myself well. He was trying to tell me that's not how it was for him and was incredulous that I felt that way. He is upset with himself that I don't feel a that I am a priority for him and realized he has doing so much wrong communicating that correctly to me, A aside. He didn't say...."it's wrong you feel that way" even though I implied that. He was saying, "it's wrong of me that I made you feel that way" and he kept apologizing and saying it wasn't how he felt at all. I just wanted to clarify because a few of you have had a very strong reaction to that. I apologize for mis-characterizing that as the responses were hard to read. It doesn't mean I feel any better about the "feeling less than" Wife#1. I still very much feel that way, even though he has told me otherwise.

I have sent him home now. I have not been a nice person around him and I don't like that. Told him I need to be alone but he was really sad to go even though I have treated him poorly and said awful things. But now he's gone home and I really have no idea when I'll see him again.

I've actually had a productive day inspite of it all. I hope to get out and look at a few places to rent. I've sent messages out and hope to get replies agreeing to let me view them. So strange being in a country where real estate agents don't work often on the weekend but that's the way it is here. Hoping I do get some replies but more than likely, it won't be until next week. I did get out and got some fresh air. It was much needed.

I'm thinking about next steps but for now, just more rest is in the immediate picture.

[This message edited by SpeedBump at 6:09 PM, February 15th (Friday)]

SpeedBump posted 2/15/2019 18:05 PM


I just wanted to say what a strong woman you really are going through this hell. The club no one wants to belong too.
I just want you to know that you have my full respect. Sometimes people that really love us just toss us aside. And then regret what they have done.

God bless you.

Thank you. Your message brought me back from the brink, even though I don't feel anything like the strong woman you mention. And yes, sometimes people just toss us aside.

Sunshine184 posted 2/15/2019 18:18 PM

Oh SB. Dealing with infidelity is such a rough road. I feel so bad for you that health has served you so much additional work. Being and staying strong mentally and emotionally is already enough but please prioritize getting healthy. When I found out about betrayal I am positive it affected me at a cellular level. Take special care - treat yourself as someone fragile who needs nurturing. Consider yourself a special seed who needs sunshine, fresh air, nourishment to grow. You are becoming a beautiful, special flower. I really admire you.

onthefence123 posted 2/15/2019 18:28 PM

Just because I have let him stay does not mean I have decided to try to R with him.
I just wanted to share that you do not have to justify anything to anyone on this board. This made me sense some feelings of guilt from you...

First, the people here want to support you, want to provide guidance, want to be a group that you can lean on, and people here want to reach out and help in every way possible. Second, you have received some amazing advice from all of the experienced posters; and man, do I wish I would have found them sooner in my own situation!

BUT--none of us are living your life. You owe none of us any explanations on what decisions you are making. Just go with your gut and what you feel will make you happy in the end, whatever that is.

I have been following your story and have never posted, but this tugged at me. Lots and lots of hugs and I have been praying for you and will continue to do so.

GrayShades posted 2/15/2019 18:37 PM

Here here, onthefence. Speedbump, you seem more than capable of directing your own life and seeing things from a mature point of view, no matter what you decide. I'm glad that SI has been a source of support for you, but you don't owe us an explanation of whatever decisions you make now, next month, or next year. I do appreciate your checking in and updating us -- many of us worry about you given the toll stress has taken on you. Because of that, I think some of us feel extra-protective of you and want to tell you what you MUST do. Here's my must-do -- you must do nothing that you don't want to do, and you may do anything you need to do to heal. And you can change your mind, or delay, or jump right in. You're on the ground and know a lot more about your situation than any of us ever could. Please continue to take care.

Whataboutus posted 2/15/2019 18:48 PM

I agree with Onthefence. You owe nobody an explanation. If you choose to reconcile, thatís your choice. My husband said a lot of the same things though about it getting out of control once it started. He didnít know how to end it. We didnít communicate very well back then but I do believe him because I saw it in his eyes looking back. He was a different person during the affair. I think you are being incredibly strong and being smart by not rushing to any decisions. Sorry you are not feeling well. I pray you get to a good place of healing.

Odonna posted 2/15/2019 18:57 PM

Speedbump, I am still traveling along with you on your journey and supporting you from afar. You have gotten great advice and shared insights from many dealing with their own journeys. Just remember that ďthere will come a time when this is behind you.Ē That is the mantra that always helped me most.

fareast posted 2/15/2019 20:00 PM


I just want to echo that no apologies are necessary to anyone here. Whatever you decide to do you will receive support. You know your WH better than any of us and you are the one who has to live with whatever decision you decide to make., not any of us. You do whatís best for you. Get stronger and get healthy. I have no need to bash your WH or make him out to be worse than he actually acted just to push you in one direction or another as far as R or D. Thatís of no consequence to me. But I do want to help anyway I can for you to get out of infidelity and get healthy again. Time is your ally. Take whatever time you need to decide what is best for you. Strength to you moving forward.

ChamomileTea posted 2/15/2019 21:56 PM

I'm sorry the responses were tough to read. Understand though that this board will support whatever decision you eventually make. There's no correct answer but the one which works best for you.

Right now, it doesn't have to be about R or D yet. It's more about correcting the power dynamic. Intimate betrayal is the apex of disrespect. He disrespected you in the most personal way a spouse can. To keep your options open, we have to get a cheater's respect and keep it. Whether the regret we see is real or not, a person who has looked you in the face and plied you with lies, deceit, and risks to your health and financial security is unlike to truly accept that you mean business until you actually do mean business. He's got to KNOW with every fiber of his being that there are no guarantees of forgiveness... because forgiveness given cheaply is treated as cheap.

No one can say that R is impossible. Certainly, I wouldn't say that after what I've been through in my own situation. But if my WH hadn't understood without a shadow of doubt in his mind that I was fully capable of drop-kicking his ass to the curb, taking half his worldly goods and retirement, and never looking back... I have no doubt in my mind we would be divorced now. That's not to say that we can't soften our stance as we consider R, but that steel in the backbone is paramount. Your WH would probably do well to stew a bit. It's not enough to be sorry. He's got to own what he did and give you the reasons why he did it, even if those reasons are ugly. He needs to hear it out loud from his own lips. If he can't engage his inner demons, he can't fix them. Better to know that now than get dragged through a false R, wouldn't you think?

It's a kind of derogatory metaphor, but it's not much different than the behavior of dogs in a pack. You've got to step up and be alpha, and he needs to be willing to show his belly. Otherwise, how can you correct the inequality of the power dynamic? Bear in mind that getting back to equal is the goal if you choose R, but it starts with a course correction.

I know they referred to you as "TBB", so maybe the thought of being assertive is a sensitive area for you. It feels so alien to think of "power dyamics" within the marital relationship too. But you're not the one who changed the status quo. He did. To get out of the "one-down" position, the most obvious course is to assume the "one-up", at least for a time.

((huge hugs))

heartbroken_kk posted 2/15/2019 22:34 PM

I hope my comments weren't hurtful Speedbump.

In the early days when I was here I got some "2x4" type posts that were hard to take as well.

Sadly, it turns out that the advice I was given was sound. I just couldn't follow it.

We each have to find our own way forward out of this.

Take what you need and leave the rest.

hugs, kk

kaygem posted 2/15/2019 23:30 PM

The longer I was on SI, the better I got at just reading and using the responses that were helpful. Please just stop reading anything that triggers you or causes you any angst at all. Just scroll down to the next post. You don't need to process every reaction to your posts, it's not necessary.

I haven't been on for a while as I'm trying to clear my head of infidelity and need a SI break..however, I really was wondering how you were doing so I came back on just to read your updates. I think you are handling yourself and your situation so well and so much better than I did! You WILL heal from this and you will feel peace again. You are a strong woman. Sending you hugs.

Edie posted 2/16/2019 00:23 AM

Iím just a bit amazed that people felt the need to bombard you with their opinions so immediately when it was quite clear that you were feeling so ill, and needing to rest and process things for yourself.

PricklePatch posted 2/16/2019 01:38 AM

Speedbump, I commend you for recognizing your need to get physical care from your WH. It sounds like your being true to yourself.

I hope you feel better soon.

ShutterHappy posted 2/16/2019 05:16 AM

When I told him how I felt like 2nd best to Wife#1, I didn't explain myself well. He was trying to tell me that's not how it was for him and was incredulous that I felt that way.

This is how I understood it in the first place. You feel like your competing with his dead wife and he had no clue. Situations like that have to be explained very plainly to us men, we donít understand subtle clues

Sooo... at my work, when I assign a new problem to solve to an engineer, I ask myself two things. 1- does she/he have the talent/skills to do it? Does she/he have the information/knowledge to do it?
I read your posts and I know that you have the skills and the knowledge to navigate whatís happening to you.

All the posters here on this thread have been through some form of infidelity and they are now in a good enough place to help you. Itís pretty obvious that you too will be just fine.

Cooley2here posted 2/16/2019 05:50 AM

Iím sorry we bombarded you with opinion and suggestions. It wasnít fair to you. All we want now is for you to get well. Decisions donít have to be made on any timeline but yours.
Take care and let us know how you are doing.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:36 AM, February 16th (Saturday)]

free2016 posted 2/16/2019 06:08 AM

SB, I've been following your story and admire you so much for being a strong woman in the most horrible situation.
Having said that, I completely understand your need to be weak as well. The emotional abuse you have been dealing with in the past weeks takes its toll, and using WH to relieve it in a way you feel fit is absolutely normal.
After DD, I did not have a place to go and having a child with WH, health issues made leaving impossible.That does not mean he did not have consequences for his choice to have A. I made him a target of my anger whenever I was triggered, me having a meltdown meant that I will direct my negative emotions at him. I believe he was traumatized by living like that for a year, but I have no regrets, it was my pain and anger release, very therapeutic for me and a constant source of pain and worry for him. For a person, who has never experienced infidelity, such behaviour would look unhealthy and often abusive, but there are only two ways to direct your anger and pain, internally and you would hurt yourself even more, or externally, a much better option for a BS in shock and pain.

Starzen posted 2/16/2019 08:18 AM

SpeedBump, I think you are AMAZING! Sending you hugs, prayers, thoughts, and all good vibes right now. You are so strong! Take a moment to allow yourself to feel all the love coming at you from so many strangers on the internet. I hope it warms your heart, if even for a minute. You are one incredible woman.

HouseOfPlane posted 2/16/2019 08:50 AM

SB, I think my responses have been in the unhelpful category. Sorry for that. Wanted to explain though.

First, you know your husband, and as a fellow human, you must feel some empathy for him. We all make mistakes, some big and some small, and his may well be a huge one. A real learning opportunity.

We on the other hand, know only you. And we are ferocious in our defense of you. I know it hurts to see the harsh stuff written about your husband. We wouldn't care about who he is if we didn't care about you.

I survived a situation not too far off from yours, frankly. Active disrespect. You can R from it.

The battle will ultimately be with yourself if you do. Your WH won't be able to do anything to help R, really. He can only guarantee its failure. If he does everything perfectly from here, that leaves you 99% if the real battle. But again, it is doable, if that is the fight you want to fight. I did, and I succeeded.

Take care of yourself, and if you don't like what you are reading in a post, just imagine it says, "I care about you I care about youi care about you..." Because it says that too.

Sending strength!

Furious1 posted 2/16/2019 12:36 PM

I'm sorry if my post upset you. I do my best to try to steer clear of telling others what they should do in their situation. In doing so, I sometimes word things in such a way as to come across more harshly than they were intended. For that, I am very sorry. I should have realized that it was not what you needed right now.

It sounds like you have a very good picture of what is or is not going on with your WH. This is your life to live and you are the only person most qualified to make decisions about it all. Gentle hugs.


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