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Being played. Paralyzed.

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Shockedmom posted 1/26/2019 18:30 PM

Taking a deep breath with you. Decision made, no wavering and pure determination to take yourself to a safe place to heal. Now onto some serious self care, eat properly and see another physician in the states for a complete physical. Try a massage or a facial for some safe physical touch. Then sense of relief must be incredible.

Safe travels and continued healing.

SpeedBump posted 1/27/2019 03:20 AM

I managed to avoid reaching out to WH though it took a lot of might. I didn't even email him. I might when I land, who knows? I am now seated on the plane ready to take off outta here. Gonna listen to you all and take care of myself, find a place to get a nice massage or two, get my nails done and then spend time with people I know who love me. It's gonna be all about me! Thank you all for helping me through this difficult journey. Man, it sucks!

Sunshine184 posted 1/27/2019 07:07 AM

(((Speedbump))) I have been following everything since the time you posted, wishing you strength. You have received such great advice from SI members and you are amazing in how you have handled your WH. For self care, I offer advice as I think thatís the small bit I might provide: Since I had trouble with sleeping, and was sitting in the dark for hours staring at the windows beginning around 4am, I lit some candles, sat on the floor in Ďeasyí yoga sit, began with closing my eyes and deep breathing, found a simple positive mantra to say over and over in my head or in a calm soft voice. Then I did yoga and watched the sun rise as I practiced. If you donít like yoga, doing some simple stretching everyday can be a nice way to start. I found that my day began with a calm that was extremely helpful. My doctor prescribed me the lowest dose of some sort of sleeping aid that helps to get to sleep bf the mind movies start and guaranteed between 4-6 hours

Also, your hair loss is not only from stress but diet. The biotin is a great idea. You also need iron. If you go online and do a simple search you will find lots of alternatives for getting iron based on the foods you like. Hopefully your appetite will return once you are with loved ones. Getting massages is a great idea as well - ask for a full body relaxation but also tell them where you have tension as Iím willing to bet you need your temples, shoulders and between the shoulder blades worked on. You have many people cheering you on and sending positive, healing thoughts. Looking forward to your next posts as you enjoy being Ďhomeí.

Sunshine184 posted 1/27/2019 07:07 AM

Oops duplicate

[This message edited by Sunshine184 at 7:09 AM, January 27th (Sunday)]

Furious1 posted 1/27/2019 15:22 PM

I hope you have a safe trip and are able to work on your healing and on taking care of yourself.


myalterego posted 1/28/2019 18:30 PM

speedbump, just wishing you a few days of rest, sleep, and home cooking. I am hoping that you can find a way to turn off your brain and just let your body heal for a few days. It sounds like you really need it.

I am so impressed with how you've taken the high road. I'm not sure I would have the self-control to have done that. You deserve good things in life.

let us know that you've arrived safely, please.

SpeedBump posted 1/29/2019 05:18 AM

It is so nice to be among people who care for me and to feel safe again. I wish this could have happened sooner....but really to not needing this to have happened at all. Am just drinking in being loved and cared for and trying to heal my mind, body and soul and doing all the things you have advised including healthy eating, a little exercise, relaxing massage and talking it out, at least those parts I'm able to speak about. I find myself blocked to talk about the cruelty of the mind games and I think it's mostly about the personal shame I carry, not about wanting to protect him. I am currently only speaking with my best friend about the details. I have not had time to look for a professional and really don't know what good it would do over this short visit. But anyway, there's own personal shame to deal with, too. It's there, wanting to spill it all but then it gets stuck - in my head, my throat, on the tip of my tongue, and it just won't come out. I then push it back and tell myself I'm not ready. I might never be ready. I definitely need professional help to overcome this because it really and truly does feel like something is very wrong with me to have "taken this" from them. it's definitely a sickening thought and an issue I know I need to confront.

I had an more detailed update all typed out for you but sadly it just disappeared. I don't have time to write it all out again but I will soon. I see neighbor keeps trying to reach WH but he still does not reply - not sure why he isn't smart enough to block. Poor little muffin wants to know why she's the one being punished? The nerve! More later but wanted to drop to give my continued thanks and gratefulness for your collective wisdom, support and advice.

[This message edited by SpeedBump at 5:33 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

Cooley2here posted 1/29/2019 05:57 AM

The only reason I think a therapist might help is for you to unload. You are already questioning yourself. So stop it. You did nothing to cause this. As you can see she has already mentally placed herself in his life. Her continued pressing him shows just how much she has invested in a relationship. You canít control people like that and you canít explain them. You need to heal yourself. Period. Just rest and enjoy your loved ones.

Stevesn posted 1/29/2019 06:04 AM

Good to hear you have arrived safe and are connecting with an old friend. Will you also make your way to see your daughter?

I thought your trip was going to be two weeks long so I can see the difficulty in finding a professional to work with during this time.

Instead perhaps you can take some time to identify one back in your adopted homeland so the first session is set up a few days after you return. That would be important to have figured out now while you are away from him and all the stress he brings when heís nearby.

Make sure you find someone who specializes in Infidelity and grief.

As for revealing the truth to others, I think you are right in that your body and mind will allow it when itís good and ready to do so.

I wish you Continued physical recovery. The emotional side will unfortunately take longer.

Lalagirl posted 1/29/2019 06:05 AM

Sweetie, I think you're expecting healing way too fast and you're justifiably frustrated.

Yes, IC could help you - I personally found EMDR to be very helpful (great for PTSD of all kinds). I know your time is limited, but please think about it. It could help you over some of these hurdles.

It's going to take time (yes, that dreaded four-letter word)...all of this has happened to you in the span of a few weeks. It takes years to heal, and I think if you take baby steps (one of which is keeping on the path of self-care), that shame will fade and you'll find yourself again.

Be gentle with yourself. Keep posting and let us help you work through this shitstorm.

Huge hugs,


Edie posted 1/29/2019 07:11 AM

I then push it back and tell myself I'm not ready. I might never be ready. I definitely need professional help to overcome this because it really and truly does feel like something is very wrong with me to have "taken this" from them

I speak as someone who Ďtookí much humiliation from a spiteful clever bullying and manipulative NPD co-worker/ superior - who had me (caretaker type) eventually brainwashed into believing his needs were my needs (and managed to confuse the philanthropic arts charity work we did with his own personal fiefdom, continuously moving the goalpoats). Being very feminist, far from stupid etc, I was much more sassy and assertive than the above suggests (often protecting other workers also) and yet he (almost/ sometimes/ often latterly) had me believing I deserved the abuse, that I was all the useless things he was telling me I was. It was easy for him. I am very caring, nurturing, believing the best in people, it wouldnít have occurred to me how I was being played (I thought everybody was honest and altruistic like I was, couldnít understand anything different, seems naive now and yet I am also no naÔf) - It was something that built up gradually, like a frog in boiling water, death by a thousand small cuts, on their own seemingly harmless but en masse they eventually accumulatively had me on my knees. I walked (crawled) out, burnt out realising I couldnít do it any longer, to stay was soul suicide, possibly worse. The shame for having endured it was terrible, but it is how abuse works, and we are targets not because we are weak but because taking us (strong, well-meaning, loving, caring, popular) down makes them feel better about themselves.

I started to speak my Ďtruthí out loud, privately. It was scary, embarrassing, painful, I was ashamed, so ashamed. What did I find? How much HE shrank, back to a proper size, tiny, pathetic. How people had admired me from afar for having endured and fought and withstood, buckling only after a long time.

It is good you are speaking to your friend - you need to speak your truth when you feel able, the sooner the better, get the toxins out. Go down to the NPD thread. There are many of us who were convinced we were the crazy ones, that is what gaslighting and cruelty does, but oh we are a sassy lot. You too, just look how you have handled yourself, there is nothing to be ashamed of. You have been looking, learning, trying to understand, it, the situation, your fears, the volte face of your WS, the iniquity of another womanís perfidy and jealousy, and then you acted, you researched, you found SI and a whole monstrous regiment of us to support you - there is nothing shameful. But abuse violates and it will take time for you to clean it out of your system. By speaking it out, you defy their power, your perpetratorsí attempts to diminish you, you take back your voice, your agency, yourself. It gets easier and easier. They work on silencing you. Donít let it happen.

[This message edited by Edie at 8:35 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

Furious1 posted 1/29/2019 08:56 AM

I understand not being ready to discuss what you have gone through. I am deeply concerned about transferring the shame of his lack of honor onto yourself. It doesn't belong to you. This is his shame for his choices. You have every right to tell others about what he has done. Abusers thrive on the silence of their victims because it allows them to hide from any consequences. His mind games is just as much abuse as being kicked in the face. It's psychological abuse and it shows his character, not yours. You are surrounded by people who love you. Let them love you through this too by telling them about it. Speaking out is to empower yourself. It is to put that shame back on the person who did the shameful action. You have nothing to be ashamed of and this is all on your WH. The OW just happened to be convenient and willing. It was your WH's responsibility to honor his promises to you and he didn't want to.


myalterego posted 1/29/2019 09:08 AM

The shame shouldn't be personal shame... if anything, I always question, "how could I be so wrong about someone?"

You trusted him - he not only broke that trust, he shattered it. That isn't on you - it is not a fault of yours, it was a little crack in him that splintered - and exploded. And you were collateral damage.

I think a professional might be a good idea - you may find that you can unburden yourself to someone that you don't have a personal relationship with.

Wishing you health and hope you are starting to find some peace. It will be a long journey, but the reasons that some things become cliches is because they are good advice... one step at a hime.

Terrain posted 1/30/2019 10:01 AM


Have been reading your story now and have been amazed by you. I am sorry you are here.

Your strength, patience and ability to pick up and get yourself to a place where you can be taken care of and clear your head just amazes me. I don't know if I could have shown such restraint if I were in the same situation.

I hope you are taking the time you need in the US to figure out what you need and want moving forward.

Stay strong!

SpeedBump posted 1/30/2019 13:28 PM

Hi all - I come here to get a boost now from all your messages and to soak in all the wisdom from your real life experiences. I'm always floored to read the emotions that match my own, the situations that parallel my own, the things my H says and does that match others here. It's just surreal and when I feel that urge to cry out, "Why me?!!!" like I'm the only one dealing with infidelity, I know it's baseless and I'm in amazing company.

Today is one of those days. Like, "Crap, why me? What the heck did I do in a past life to deserve this. Sorry Karma gods. You got me. You got me good and hope that whomever I wronged is seeing this and getting a good laugh. Can we be even now? Please?"

WH sent me an email and while I am NC, I did read it because he "got me" with the subject of "Coming Home" which I took to mean he was coming to the US. So I had to read it and I did. He says he "wants" to come here because he wants to see me, talk to me, explain things to me, take care of me, be here for me, and on and on. He knows it's ironic since he's the reason I'm the mess I am but he wants to go back to having my back...and on and on. Time alone has made him understand so much. (What? That he's lonely? )

He wants, he wants, he wants, he wants, he wants... And he even stated that he knows it seems like it's all about what he wants but that he knows it has to be about what I want and he will wait, as hard as it is, he will wait and take my lead but hopes that one day we can talk.

So ugh! That pit in my stomach is there and very real and it sucks and it hurts. Today I got mad, too. I went on a favorite hike of mine here and it kicked my ass. I'm so weak and struggled doing this hike I easily have done for years and years and I just pulled off to the side, sat and cried. And I cried more because I was crying because I was mad and yeah, vicious cycle!

I know for my own healing I have to deal...with him, with us, with me, with life. I can't just avoid it and I know it so while I know I have rest, eat, hydrate, heal my tired bones and keep my mind sharp...I see the crappy path ahead just plain sucks.

To top it off, I'm "pain-shopping" (a word I never knew existed and now it is the bane of my existence.) I re-read their texts and relive the horror of it all and look at all the different ways to interpret what is written, look for any clues or intent on WH's part to back out of the deception and don't find anything to make me feel better, especially not in the:

"TBB just got home. Have any excuse for me to come over with my screw-driver or big hammer? Ask her."

And then recalling her text to me soon after, something sick and suggestive like..."sorry to bother, can I borrow your husband? I have some screws that need tightening and need help with a new bed I just bought."

And me. Clueless. The butt of their jokes. They'd been home all day with no need to eff with me, but they did.

And it just sucks! But I digress. I really am going to be OK. I just had to get it out, so thank you for letting me.

No question really. Just wallowing and writing. Pitiful.

nekonamida posted 1/30/2019 13:56 PM

I know for my own healing I have to deal...with him, with us, with me, with life. I can't just avoid it and I know it so while I know I have rest, eat, hydrate, heal my tired bones and keep my mind sharp...I see the crappy path ahead just plain sucks.

Not today. Not next week. You will have to deal with it eventually but it doesn't have to be any time soon. Don't let him pressure you. Let him stew in his own mess as long as you need to. There's nothing that he could say or explain or cuddle/comfort/hug away enough to be even begin to make this right or okay.

I will suggest sending him one email back - "Please respect my need for space right now." You've told him this already but it doesn't sound like he's going to stop sending you messages and concern trolling you to get his way. Yes - concern trolling - it's when someone says they support one side but due to all the concerns they have they can't exactly live up to that support. He SAYS he respects your need for space and isn't trying to make this all about what he wants but his concerns for you health and well being are forcing him to completely ignore everything you say you want and need from him. The concern isn't real. It's a thinly veiled attempt to get you to comfort HIM and reassure HIM that you're not actually leaving him by allowing him to "take care of" you. Don't fall for it!

fareast posted 1/30/2019 14:50 PM


Keep on taking care and regaining your strength. You already sound stronger. Please try not to pain shop. It will just keep you mired and you need to move ahead. Your WH has been saying the same thing since the confrontation wanting to talk to you and try to comfort you. I think nekonamedia is partially correct that his motivation although he says he is concerned for you, is for you to reassure him. But, I also believe that he is very ashamed of himself and is at least in part sincerely concerned for your health and well being. People who cheat are quite often sad sacks who make bad decisions in return for flattery and ego kibbles. Cheaters are not known to be emotionally mature. Not everyone who cheats is an evil, sadistic monster.

You indicated for your own healing you have to deal with him. You feel that pain in the pit of your stomach. If his actions are a dealbreaker for you, after everything youíve been thru I would just move on with no contact. No one would blame you. Just have an attorney contact him with D papers. Your WH has no reason to be in Europe other than your job. If you file for D he will return home. An agent can sell the house and your attorney can handle the D. Why should you have to ever look at his face again if it causes you such pain. When you return to Europe get your own place or stay with a friend. Cut off all of his funds. He has his own money. He can return to California and live with his son. If his actions are a dealbreaker, you should never have to listen to his apology or explanation after the cruel way you were treated. Take care and protect yourself from ever having to see him.

[This message edited by fareast at 3:51 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

Stevesn posted 1/30/2019 14:55 PM

Speedbump. Iím just glad you are hiking and not in bed somewhere! I get winded walking up a hill, so donít feel bad not being able to complete a healthy hike after the physical collapse you suffered 10 days ago.

About his email, I know I and everyone will say: me me me, his email is all about him.

But I also want to give you some hope. I know itís hard to do these days.

But I want you to know, as youíve probably read in some threads, that it IS possible to recover and reconcile from infidelity if you have a WS that wakes up, realizes what an idiot heís been, and does the work. Thatís half the battle.

The other half is if YOU still want it. If their PA and the messages like the one you shared are all to much, if they are deal breakers, that is fine too.

But hereís what I want to say, that heís not going to do everything right, heís not even going to half of everything right, but heís doing some things right. In terms of raising the chances of reconciliation from 1% to 20%, still not great odds, heís trying. He may be failing at times, but heís trying.

Maybe he googled how to repair your marriage after you affair and is following the steps. But most WSís donít even do that. Maybe he innately knows what he needs to do to try and repair things. Maybe he really wants to and is grasping at straws.

All Iím saying is you can leave that possibility open for now, all the way up until you are ready to slam the door shut.

Honestly in the back of my mind Iíve been saying to myself ďif it were me Iíd be flying to the states. If it were be me Iíd be offering to tell anyone and everyone that my BS wanted me to what an ass I made of myself and the purely awful thing I did to her.

If it were me Iíd completely cut off the POSOW and ghost her.

So while Iím not recommending you tell him to come, on the contrary, this time is healing time for you, let him know itís important to let you have your space for a while.

But Iím also going to recommend communicating just a little bit. As much as your comfortable with.

And if you havenít shut the door on the M, and R yet, say something like this in your own words.

ďHi. I appreciate the offer to come here. At this time Iím going to recommend you let me have my time away. I need to focus on myself right now and having you here would make that harder. I need you to respect that.

I can tell you are trying to fix this. I honestly donít know if this is fixable. We have a long road if it is. And I need to figure out what I want going forward. I cannot promise you anything.

As for your desire to do something, I am hoping you are taking my instructions to set up the sale of the house to heart. I will never return to that place and whether we are ever together again or not that needs to be done ASAP.

Also if you want to be productive, if you havenít already, you need to be in therapy with someone who specializes in Infidelity. That is a requirement, so use this time to find the right person for you. I will be doing the same.

Lastly, I suggest you gather every piece of information you can about your A with that slut. If we were ever to work through this that would be a big part of the recovery process. I would need a timeline of every interaction whether in person or via technology. I canít work through something like this if I donít know what I am working through. Every gory detail.

By the way Iíll know if youíre lying or leaving something out.

None of this means I am promising you a damn thing. Right now I will tell you, with what I know, no one would ever blame me for never talking to you again. In fact they might blame me if I did. Lord knows that the 3 items i listed directly above would be a small fraction of what Iíd need to see to even entertain considering trying to reconcile with you.

I just figured I could tell you were trying and wanted to avoid receiving things from you I absolutely do not need. Consider this note a gift. Iím not sure there will be another one for a long time, if ever. Dont expect to hear from me again for a while. Let me know if you need something from me concerning the houseĒ

Then go back to NC. If there is something else you need or want to convey, do so.

Honestly Speedbump, Iím not sure I could ever recover from the hurtful words they said and the games they played. But betrayed individuals here have been strong enough to do so.

It takes a long time and a lot of work. And BOTH of you will need to be willing to do it. But there is a point that Pride can be the building block that Love can be rebuilt on. If he can work the next few years and become a man you can be proud of again, then you never know,...

So if youíre not sure right now, and you donít have to be, leave all possibilities open. Do as you are doing, and focus on yourself. Youíre not ready for deep discussions, there will be plenty of time for that when you return.

But please recognize, that so far, heís taken some of the right steps. It may never be enough. But he seems to give you something to think about.

Enjoy the rest of the week. When do you return?

[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:01 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

ChamomileTea posted 1/30/2019 15:18 PM

He says he "wants" to come here because he wants to see me, talk to me, explain things to me, take care of me, be here for me, and on and on. He knows it's ironic since he's the reason I'm the mess I am but he wants to go back to having my back...and on and on. Time alone has made him understand so much. (What? That he's lonely? )

He wants, he wants, he wants, he wants, he wants... And he even stated that he knows it seems like it's all about what he wants but that he knows it has to be about what I want and he will wait, as hard as it is, he will wait and take my lead but hopes that one day we can talk.

Why not let him wait then? I very much doubt you would have gone to the considerable trouble of putting an entire ocean between you if you wanted him up your ass right now. So yeah... all about HIM.

I think I would go about my business of enjoying family and friends, gathering my physical strength... and seeing an attorney. It's kind of telling that he wants to talk to you in person. A detailed account in writing, after all, would prove he's admitting the adultery. So, it sure as heck looks like he's holding back from that. Nevertheless, there's nothing stopping you from pushing for a timeline. If he wants to apologize, nothing is stopping him from emailing you an apology, along with an excruciatingly detailed list of WHY he's so sorry.

I think he's trying to control the outcome and manipulate you. It's easier to do that in person, and while he is aware that you know a lot, he's probably not sure exactly what. He can't find that out unless he gets you talking.

I know it probably doesn't always feel like it, but you're really doing well. Hang in there.


ETA: Sometimes what people don't say will actually tell you more than what they do. And he's not saying anything yet.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 3:21 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

HouseOfPlane posted 1/30/2019 16:13 PM

I could easily see him showing up on your doorstep.

If you do meet him face to face, Iíd recommend being the mirror that allows him to destroy himself.

He will be hoping to manipulate you in some way, and the manipulator depends on you having some measure of trust in at least a little of whatever he is saying, no matter how small. He will use that as a jumping off point. I sill care, I miss you, I never talked bad about you, look at these flowers I got, etc.

Your mission, I am recommending, is to steadily, calmly, patiently, but inexorably convince him that you donít trust a single atom in his body. How he has proven through the lies he has told that he is capable of lying about anything, and that his actions that were taken toward you are completely incompatible with any possible interpretation of love, and since he has proven he can lie about anything, youíd be nuts to accept anything he doing right now as anything other than total bullshit. He will likely try to argue, but you can just cite example after example of lying and disrespect back then, that show he is fully capable of lying right now, that it all being another horrific, cruel sick joke is as equally likely and indistinguishable from him turning a new leaf.

In short, give him no handholds, no purchase from which to gain control. Just let him swing in the breeze.

Youíd be doing him a favor by doing this. Until he understands that what he did was monstrous, which will come when he understands that you see him as nothing but a monster, he will keep trying to stuff the genie back in the bottle. It could be the thing that breaks through to him.

Or he could just be a now out of the closet sociopath, unredeemable.

Sending strength!

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