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Being played. Paralyzed.

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Furious1 posted 1/15/2019 07:04 AM

I am so sorry. Keep reading. The Tactical Primer at the top of this forum has a lot of helpful information.


SpeedBump posted 1/15/2019 07:30 AM

Thank you, Furious 1. I just read the tactical primer. What a big help and a prefect 'to do list' for me to start using. I have now also taken a lot of pictures of the messages from the ipad and have emailed them to a new email address I set up for myself to store all the information I find out about what's going on. It sucked reading through those again, even as I tried not to while I documented them.

I feel a bit more lost than I probably would if I was actually back in the US just because I really don't know how things work here yet - family law, and all that it takes to initiate a divorce. We have met with a lawyer in the last year for our real estate transaction and to adjust Wills so I do have someone to call for at least a referral, which I will do once I get back from this short business trip.

Thank you for the support. When I'm away from it I don't struggle as badly, or at least I can forget it for a minute or two.

NoWhere posted 1/15/2019 07:53 AM

So sorry for what you are going through. But what is your legal status in your resident country? I'm assuming you are there on a work visa tied to your employment and your husband is a dependant on your visa? I would ask to consult with the immigration attorney who handled your visa. I would think any divorce/legal separation would result in your husband having to return to the US.

SpeedBump posted 1/15/2019 08:05 AM

Nowhere: ( I'm assuming you are there on a work visa tied to your employment and your husband is a dependant on your visa?)

We are on resident visas, not a work visa. It was the path we chose together in case my job should ever end. His visa is not conditionally tied to mine, only in so much as it shows we are married and we provide the same or similar financial info when we have to meet with immigration every year or two. That means he can stay if he wants.

IslandGirl4418 posted 1/15/2019 08:08 AM

You don't realize it because you are hurting so bad but you really do have the upper hand. You are in the process of developing your plan and they are clueless. I would definitely kick him to the curb and send him packing. Don't waste any more time on someone who would so disrespect you. I understand that you still love him. I still love my husband too and I always will and I'm not ashamed of that. I miss him every single day but I just couldn't let myself be treated so poorly. 19 months out and I'm still devastated. You are stronger than you think. They think they are playing you now but you are really playing them. Get organized and when you are ready pull the rug out from under both of them. I wish you the best.

SpeedBump posted 1/15/2019 08:15 AM

Thank you, IslandGirl and everyone who has convinced me I actually do have an advantage. I just wish I also had a plan but I am trying to work on that. I am intentionally booking as much time traveling as I can right now so I can think more clearly and get away from the toxic situation. At the same time, it's crazy to think it just means they get to do whatever they want when I'm gone. What a mess!

Gutpunch posted 1/15/2019 08:18 AM

They can have each other!

You deserve better.

realitybites posted 1/15/2019 08:20 AM

Being in a foreign country keeps you isolated, which is hard. But you do travel from what I have read so far, what was the reason you both moved to a foreign country? And if it is for your job could you silently start looking into maybe getting back over to the US again?

Do you rent or own where you are at now? I am assuming it might be a lease, if so I would check into how long that lease is how you might be able to get out of it, or even if you leave if he is on the lease then HE can keep paying it.

Getting your financial stuff in front of you, bills, etc... and starting to take yourself off of accounts. If you can. Just start with one thing each day as it will feel overwhelming.

And also the hardest part it seems for a BS is knowing how to stay quiet, we seem to want to scream and yell at the person who is doing us the most harm, yet all it does is let on to them that you know... and as someone else pointed out... right now you have got the upper hand in that you can gather evidence and work on getting your own ducks in a row.

So try to stay silent with him, get an attorney or a consult with one, and then work on how you WANT to get out of infidelity.

SpeedBump posted 1/15/2019 08:32 AM

Realitybites, we own a home we bought together about a year after moving here. We moved here because we both wanted to move and live outside the US and this was an opportunity that came up so we jumped on it. By and large, until now, it has been a really great experience. Just like most of us here on this forum, I suppose, I just really didn't see it coming to this. Not at all.

Earlier she sent him a message asking if I was away. When he confirmed I was but just for a short trip, she seemed annoyed he hadn't told her. I guess he didn't make plans to see her but now that she knows, I guess that's bound to happen. So far, I don't see his reply to the, "and when were you going to tell me?" message. I wonder how she knew I was away, though I don't hide from her and did roll my suitcase out to my car. Seems she is a bit of a stalker, too. It just keeps getting better.

Bladerunner2054 posted 1/15/2019 08:49 AM

Speedbump, whatever you do, DO NOT let him know that you know. Let it come as a complete surprise when he gets served.

SpeedBump posted 1/15/2019 09:16 AM

NotInMyLife -

Wow, am starting to read the thread you sent me. I doubt I can be so cool and methodical but wow! It's a long read but I'll get through it. Actually feeling sorry for Mrs. Spaceghost, a little bit.

Smashedhrt posted 1/15/2019 09:22 AM

Iím so sorry.
The betrayal is shocking and cruel. These people have no empathy or compassion. They are selfish.

I know you loved him. I feel the same way. Itís very hard to suddenly turn that off, no matter how shocked, offended and angry you are. But I do think that as the truth becomes more real that the one betrayed allows that love to die.

Hug to you. No one deserves this terrible treatment.

Stevesn posted 1/15/2019 09:35 AM


I am so sorry your H and Friend are being so cruel to you. Thatís something no one in a committed relationship or M ever deserves to have done to them.

Your H is a weak man. He is exhibiting low moral character. He is showing no respect for you not just as a wife, but as a human. Iím so angry for you.

Conversely you are showing how you are a person of high values and we all respect you for that. You are doing the right things.

You and others have correctly identified securing the evidence and meeting with an attorney to understand what actions you should take as the proper next steps. I hope you can do those things this week.

You may also wish to identify a therapist (Individual Counselor IC) to begin to work with to help you through the pain of what you are experiencing. If so try and find one that specializes in Infidelity.

Finally, do you have any trusted friends in real life you can confide in? It may be worthwhile to have someone whoís in your corner you can talk to, even if itís someone back home via phone. Theyíd have to be someone youíd trust not to tell anyone or contact your WH.

When you have legal advice in hand you at some point will need to decide how to confront.

There is a wide range of ways BSís have done that. Some have chosen the nuclear option, eg leaving pictures of the incriminating texts with D papers in an empty house as the BS disappears from the WSís life.

Others decide confrontation with the WS should be done in person, perhaps in a public place if they feel unsafe, with communicating simply to the WS that you know about their A, without sharing evidence, and that they should come clean if they want a chance to save the M. You will know when you hear the truth when you know it because of the backing information you have.

Other BSís may show some of the evidence to prove they know everything, proving to the WS that the ďjig is upĒ. Of course this can reveal your source which he can then shut down and find alternative modes of communication with her.

After all this Spoedbump, itís important to continue to maintain control of the situation. Itís heartbreaking but the best chance at reconciliation is to clearly state what you need and tell him that if he cannot meet those needs that you will be moving on and out of the relationship.

We all here can help you work those demands. They will include him going No Contact NC with the AP. That may mean moving.

If he doesnít want to lose you he will drive these changes. Him doing the work willingly is the only real way for R to actually happen. You cannot do the work for him or force him to do it to make it a meaningful recovery.

So therefore you need to be quite clear that you are not going to be their joke or punching bag anymore. If you can bring yourself to do it, present him with D papers at confrontation and let him know he has until the final judgement to prove he is on team Speedbump.

There will be a lot of painful things heíd have to do to make that happen. To be honest, from your descriptions here, I do t think he has it in him. Thatís not your problem, itís his.

He will first have to decide who the true love of his life is, you, her or neither, and only if he decides itís you will he have to figure out how to repair the damage he has done and become a safe partner that can be trusted again. Thatís a very tall order to fulfill.

Speedbump we think youíre doing great. Keep it up and keep posting and asking questions.

Sending thoughts of strength your way.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:38 AM, January 15th (Tuesday)]

SpeedBump posted 1/15/2019 09:57 AM

Smashedhrt, the betrayal is so shocking. I know we rack our brains looking for clues and signs. I don't have the lovey-dovey husband but he does show me love in many ways that are comfortable for him and I have accepted that so far. He has always said he shows his love by doing for others -- so wanted me to know there would be no crazy public displays of affection even though he does hold my hand and gives me pecks on the neck, cheeks and lips when he wants to show his gratitude to me during the day. Ours is a comfy love, or so I thought. No great highs, no big lows, just a nice, comfortable love. It's what I wanted. We have fun, have made some friends here and go on outtings together. So it really sucks that he also has this in him, this ability to be so cruel and do such hurtful things.

I was thinking about how I can use this info I have to my advantage but I really don't like playing games. But use it, I have, and one example is that at Christmas, one of the "dares" was that he would give her a gift right in front of me. I mean, just so sick and of course there would be no reason for him to ever give her a gift and it's not his style. I made sure she was not anywhere near us at Christmas even though she kept texting saying she wanted to drop in and had a little something for us. I ignored her and they never got that one over on me. But what I did know is that there was a gift bag with no name on it among our gifts that I didn't buy and so I peeked in it. It was from a local bakery with some regional desserts in it wrapped in a cute little box. Well, I took it to work and shared with my colleagues. I never told him and he never mentioned it. I'm pretty sure that was the gift he got her and it's typical of him. It has to be easy and something he can pick up a long the way of his normal routine. He goes for a coffee almost everyday to this little cafe/bakery. Anyway, she sent a pouty, "I never got my gift" message. He replied, "I did try but things got lost in the holiday hustle bustle." I'm just sick about it but glad I ruined their stupid game. She was definitely that mean girl in school. Definitely. I haven't figured out which horrible school bully he played.

ChamomileTea posted 1/15/2019 10:06 AM

Earlier she sent him a message asking if I was away. When he confirmed I was but just for a short trip, she seemed annoyed he hadn't told her. I guess he didn't make plans to see her but now that she knows, I guess that's bound to happen. So far, I don't see his reply to the, "and when were you going to tell me?" message

It's possible that he's picking up on some subconscious signalling from you that you're suspicious. We all tend to give off more clues in our body language than what we're aware of.

You said you don't have very much of a support network there, but is there someone you can stay with for awhile? This situation is so emotionally abusive that it might be better to go ahead and move out, withdraw the bulk of your financial support, put the house back on the market, and work out the settlement details over time with an attorney. Just checking a few pages online regarding overseas divorce, and it seems to be a bit more complicated in that there's a certain amount of coordination which might need to happen between the country you live in and your home state.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 1/15/2019 12:28 PM

Just my observation but I think her motivation is jealousy and boredom and his is boredom and of course attention but it sounds like heís over it and she keeps pushing. If he goes to her after the confrontation it will be because itís easier not necessarily because he wants to. Just an observation. Regardless keep your wishes foremost . I wish you luck.

Terrain posted 1/15/2019 12:47 PM

Iím sorry your here but in a way am amazed that you have so much restraint! You know what is going on and you are just sitting back tak I would love to have known more about the conversations and actually witness the lying so I could learn from what was going on.

Hang in there I hope it ends soon for you!

Cooley2here posted 1/15/2019 13:17 PM

I donít usually get in someoneís business enough to tell them to leave. There are a few exceptions. Serial cheaters or abusive partners should not be tolerated. This is just a different case altogether. This is sadistic. Your husband, a man who is supposed to love you, gets off on playing you. I find that appalling and sickening. I hope you are planning on getting away from him permanently. There is no excuse, ever, for someone to torture another person and I consider this torture. She sounds like a sociopath and he sounds like an idiot. You do not need either one of them in your life.

Booyah posted 1/15/2019 14:10 PM

I agree with Cooley that this is "sadistic" what they're doing (especially him as you're his wife).

You would think that someone who lost his wife to cancer would see how precious life is and to get another chance at love with you and then turn around and pull this sadistic bull shit is flat out pathetic.

I'm glad you found SI SpeedBump and so sorry you're having to deal with this. What a freakin mind fuck!

Glad to hear you went back through and got proof of the texts, because you can rest assured that when you drop the bomb on his pathetic ass he's going to be back peddling big time and will deny deny deny. Sorry chump does this text look familiar? Or how about this one? Or maybe this one might help you remember?

Glad you're away on business and not having to see those two pathetic humans. Don't know how long you can go on keeping this info to yourself before going off on him, but as others have suggested please hold off until you make a plan.

So you mentioned you recently purchased a home with him. What's the housing market look like where you live? Would you have a hard time selling it if that's what you decide to do?

If you divorced him would you still want to live there or would your end game be to come back to the states to be close to your daughter, family and friends?

Definitely follow through with an attorney to figure out your legal options with all of this as well as the financial picture as well.

Who knows what this crazy ass neighbors agenda is and why you're husband is doing this to you. He's shown you who and what he is and why waste any time trying to figure out why. Life is too short!!

Hang in there SpeedBump.

beauchateaux posted 1/15/2019 14:25 PM

Seriously, I agree. I mean I'm not usually one who yells 'cut and run' or gets a special thrill out of petty revenge, but their behavior is just SO unbelievably mean and ridiculous, I found myself thinking about it and getting angry as I fell asleep last night. Ugh.

When you serve him, you should be like "I DARE you to kiss my a$$ on your way out the door with your trashbag full of clothes."

You really, really deserve better than this, SpeedBump. Seriously. Please remember that. They're losers.

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