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Being played. Paralyzed.

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susieque2 posted 1/21/2019 22:16 PM

Sleep/rest is so good at this point - hope you're having better luck with drinking and eating!

Of course WH is so very sorry --- he was caught and still has no idea how that happened. It was so fortunate that you found the iPad -- you would still be in the dark and wondering what was happening if you hadn't.

Take this time to heal your body --- your marriage is secondary at this point in time. You have to let go of any thoughts as to the outcome of this mess.

Also take time to consider what YOU want out of life -- more affection, trust worthiness, loyalty ----- it might be with WH or not but you don't have to make any decisions now. You need time to recover from the trauma you've had to endure.

Huge hugs to you SB --- we are here for you ---- take care and post whenever you need to! {{{{{{{SB}}}}}}}}}

ChamomileTea posted 1/21/2019 22:37 PM

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. How long will you have to stay in the hospital... and what are your plans for after you're discharged?

Just a note on your WH apologizing... looks like he's still saying "all this". It doesn't sound like he's been specific at all about what he's actually sorry for. It's typically way too early for true remorse this close to DDay, but IMHO "all this" is a very incomplete apology.

I think I could mitigate the verbal apologies by the fact that you're asking for space, but he committed words to writing in the card. He would've had to think at least a little about what he was planning to say.


TheGuy123 posted 1/21/2019 22:44 PM

You do know you have to rest, but when the time comes you will have to verify what he is telling you.

And as painful as it is... once you get back on your feet you will need to open up his chat and verify his action versus his word.

Trust me.... cheaters lie... so you know the only way to make sure...right?

You still have access right?

Sorry you have to go down that road and turn on that filth...but you need to see what is really going on with your old man and OW.

A lot of folks and even the shrinks will think I'm way wrong...but having been down this road you have look at the chats Ö.at least for the last two days worth. You may need to stick to your plan.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 10:50 PM, January 21st (Monday)]

TheGuy123 posted 1/21/2019 22:45 PM

Get well soon!

Ripped62 posted 1/21/2019 23:17 PM

I hope each new day brings renewal and healing. We will be with you during your recovery.


I hope you enjoy the flowers....

kaygem posted 1/21/2019 23:29 PM

My hope and wish is that your cheating H could begin to grasp the tremendous suffering he's put you under, now that's he's seen, in part, what his cheating has done to you. Whether you eventually R or D, I hope he changes his life and his ways and is truly contrite.

As others have noted, it's truly early in the game to see any real remorse and the "all this" is telling, but I'm guessing he's the type of cheater that is going to throw this skanky OW under the bus now. She is nothing more than a moldy piece of cake now anyway.

Please keep taking care of yourself. Find a good juice bar and get some fresh juices in you. It will really help hydrate you and give your body a lot of nutrition in a liquid. Shakes are great too. Easier to swallow when there is no appetite.

Robert22205https posted 1/22/2019 08:33 AM

He says he wants to be here for me ...

Why is he acting so concerned now?

Since you did not reveal your evidence (and I'm fine with that), it's entirely likely that he thinks you don't really know enough details to conclude they committed adultery ... or the evidence is weak enough for him to spin it as inappropriate behavior falling short of adultery. Something he can rug sweep and/or just apologize for - which is typical cheater thinking.

HouseOfPlane posted 1/22/2019 09:05 AM

You will to verify what he is telling you
Correct me if I am wrong, but he hasn't been telling her anything worth checking on, has he? Speedbump already knows what "all this" means.

If I had to interact with him, and he did apologize again, I guess the one question I would ask in return is, "What exactly are you apologizing for?" Let him ruminate on that.

beauchateaux posted 1/22/2019 11:15 AM

Correct me if I am wrong, but he hasn't been telling her anything worth checking on, has he?

I guess if she decides that R might be potentially on the table or if she's unsure about whether or not it should be, it would be worth it to verify his claim that he has cut off all contact with the neighbor as he told her he did. And if he did, HOW he did it - was he firm and cold or did he make it sound regretful, did he leave any doors cracked for a potential rekindling once the 'dust settles', etc.

Not that they couldn't have contacted each other in another way - he was stupid enough to have an affair with the lady who lives next door, after all, they could shout over the fence - but still.

For me, if I were SB, this would be an important piece of info to get in deciding whether or not this was fixable. She may feel differently, or she may have already decided it's not, which is fine too - it might not be, after all the crap they've put her through. But in any's another bit of power she can take to remain in control.

ShutterHappy posted 1/22/2019 14:30 PM

Seeing him stressed me out after the shock wore off so I asked him to give me the space I need and to please just go home. He has apologized for "all of this" and has now gone.

Itís like a husband visiting his wife after beating her up, giving her flowers and a sorry for everything card...

Edit: the ďvibesĒ Iím getting is that heís just layind down low, waiting for the storm to pass, then rugsweep and go back to normal. Itís just my impression...

After you get out of the hospital, go to the US, stay NC for a while to clear your mind and youíll be able to decide how to proceed next, without having him hovering over you.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 2:35 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]

SpeedBump posted 1/22/2019 19:14 PM

I just wanted to check-in and report I'm now out of the hospital and resting in a condo hotel, hopefully until Sunday when I'm now trying to fly to the US. I did have WH drive me and we pretty much drove in complete silence with me just looking out the window and him completely clueless how to start any conversation with me beyond asking if I was comfortable enough, warm enough and whether I wanted him to shop for me. I did have him stop so I could pick up groceries and supplies and he got me set up. I'm not helpless, am feeling much better but went ahead and let him handle as much as possible.

We talked some before I told him to leave, about how unbelievable it is to me that we're here, that I'm in the physical and mental shape I'm in and how I wondered if he thought it was all worth it.

He lamented how much destruction he's done and how ashamed he is.

I know there has been some question as to how much he might think I know. When I confronted him, which I had no real plan in mind at the time, but knew I had to get it done, I did tell him I knew all of it...the flirting, the sexting, when they first f'd. Most importantly I told him the absolutely worst part of all wasn't the sex but the cruel way they treated me, played games at my expense, most especially how he happily participated in all of it. It's why I called them psychos and sociopaths when I word-vomited all over him that night.

So, while I tried to make it as clear as possible I knew every filthy dirty secret, he probably still doesn't really know all I know. Of course I'm not sure I know it all either as I'm sure plenty went on they didn't text about. So he is not in right now in CYA mode, not denying anything, not trying to tell me I'm crazy or delusional. He's simply listening. I'm pretty sure my calmness is giving him some sense of relief so before he left, I told him I can't ever see living in that house again since his girlfriend is next door so he can either buy me out or we sell the house so I can get my cut.

I told him I was going to go to the US and while there I'd consider my options but while I was gone he needed to figure out the house issue.

He asked me to tell him what he could do to get me to consider giving us time to decide our future. It's the first time he's given a hint of thinking of a future. I started to cry and told him that's what I planned to think about in the US but it was about my future and whether or not he fit in it. I asked him to consider all he has done to me these past 4 months and think if I had done all that to him -what could I possibly do to make him ever want to try to work it out with me. I told him when he found that answer to let me know because I sure as heck didn't even know where to start on this hell journey he's put me on.

He left and the first thing I did was pull out the damn iPad! I'm not proud but the curiosity was killing me and I caved.

They have texted but it's clearly done and over, at least for the moment. His first message to her was, "ffs, what have you done?" and this was sent while I showered that night after I confronted him. So he thinks she told me everything.

She denied knowing what he was talking about, and he read her the riot act ...because of course it couldn't be his fault! Told her I clearly knew everything and were things only she could have told me. She went nuts, he went nuts, lots of out of sync messages back and forth trying to speak over each other and he told her several times how effed up they were to do this to me and that I was destroyed while she yelled back, "don't act like you didn't enjoy all of it!) (Ugh!!!! I hate this, that he said this and I feel sick about it. It's the last thing I want her to think - that they destroyed me!)

He told her he never wanted to see her again. Never to call, text and to absolutely stay away from the house and me. (To me, he seemed unreasonably pissed at her, relative to the kind of messages I had been reading before all this. At least that's my interpretation.)

The next day she texted asking if he was OK and continued to text that over the next couple of days including feigning worry about me and about him and asking for any update, and reminding him she never said anything. He never answered until she then sent a message saying, "I get the message now, loud and clear. It's done. I packed what you had here and put it all on your doorstep!". (sick to my stomach all over again because he had his sh#1 at her house? F#$@@&#kkkkk!)

He messaged back, all in caps, and I quote him, so please forgive me..."stay the fuck away from my home"! (Ummmm, 'scuse me? Our home!)

She messaged back..."fuck you. This is your problem. Not mine. Good luck with that!"

And that was the last message, last Sunday as I lay in a hospital, basically patient Jane Doe with no friends or family around, recovering from their cruel treatment.

So, yeah. Just a continuous, long trail of destruction for the thrill of new sex. What a g'damn mess!

And now time for hot shower, meditation music and sleep.

Thank you for listening.

SpeedBump posted 1/22/2019 19:16 PM

Ripped,thank you for my beautiful flowers, far more lovely than the ones douche-nozzle brought me and now in the hospital trash.

Shockedmom posted 1/22/2019 20:02 PM

You have had yet another harrowing day. I understand the need to read through the messages. I wouldnít have been able to let it go either. Many call it pain shopping, I consider it having access to evidence necessary to proceed whether it be divorce or reconciliation.

They are turning on each other in order to avoid taking responsibility for their own despicable actions. Not surprising really. She really is a piece of work trying to finagle her way back in with him and to get information about you. She may in fact be psychotic, she is terrifying. Time to let this waste of humanity out of your life forever.

Glad you are well enough to leave the hospital and have a couple of days to build up your strength. Wishing you well.

Cooley2here posted 1/22/2019 20:03 PM

I noticed he made this all her fault when he txted her. There is a disconnect in him. He knows you know but just went on home and ďyelledĒ at the girlfriend that it was all her fault.

Have a peaceful rest and homecoming. Hope there are folks who will give you lots of hugs.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:05 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]

Furious1 posted 1/22/2019 20:05 PM


Take care of yourself.


Stevesn posted 1/22/2019 20:07 PM

Iím glad you are out of the hospital. Hope you can have a restful end of the week and gather your strength for your trip home.

You handled the Interaction with WH very well.

He has taken 1/10th of 1% of a step toward being remorseful for his actions. He has a very long way to go. And the only reason he had the opportunity to take that step forward instead of a backward one is because of the strong approach and control you have exhibited.

Time will tell if heís able to become somone worthy of an attempt at reconciliation. Even if he does, it will be totally your choice if you even want to consider it. Thatís way down the line.

In the meantime continue to focus on you. This has been a physical shock to your system. Even more, the emotional impact will change over the weeks to come, unfortunately with highs and lows to follow that will be all new to you.

You gave him clear instructions. The real estate directives where exactly some that I was pondering recommending to you. Nicely done.

Itís clear youíre one step ahead of us and far ahead of many BSís struggling to find their way out of Infidelity.

Very impressive Speedbump. I wish you a good nights rest.

fareast posted 1/22/2019 20:21 PM

Itís good to see that your WH is guilt ridden and ashamed of his behavior. He should be. But so revealing when he repeatedly told the OW that what they had done to you was effed up, that she had no remorse at all. The woman is just evil. From what you have posted I donít believe your WH was motivated by the thrill of new sex. He did not seem that in to her. There was no fog, no limerance, and no feelings. He called her immediately after you confronted him and told her never to call him or text him and to leave him alone? He ignored her continuing messages and again two days later told her to f*** off and never to come near the house. She had tapped in to his feelings of resentment about his situation and that was their bond. But his fast response to seeing how hurt you were indicates to me that he had no feelings for her. What a terrible waste in that all he had to do was talk to you about his feelings and any resentment. He made a terrible decision. But it doesnít matter what the motivation, they both were extremely cruel towards you.

Take care of yourself.
Enjoy music, meditation, and sleep.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:52 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]

nekonamida posted 1/22/2019 20:23 PM

Glad to hear you're doing better and getting far away from this mess. Take as much time to yourself as you need and don't feel pressured by him to make any commitments.

Smillie posted 1/22/2019 20:24 PM

She's just your "run of the mill" homewrecker, but it's your husband's fault. He seems to think that she is to blame, however, the whole mess is 100% on him. I wonder if he suspects that you can read his messages and if his latest correspondence with her was for your benefit.

Anyway, I am glad you are feeling better and I hope you get some distance from this horrible situation.

[This message edited by Smillie at 8:26 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]

TheGuy123 posted 1/22/2019 20:58 PM

One of my rules is "always make the affair as uncomfortable and inconveinent as possible" so with that said you did a great job at that...for whats that's worth...and you didn't even know how it was going to play out.

I don't think you could have a played it any better if you tried

#2 you now know your old man isn't playing you anymore, so you got that going.

You told me a few pages back that if you where cheating on him he would be done. In his mind it's done, it's just he was the one that screwed up. There is no begging you to leave the OM, begging you to come back, fighting for you....if the shoe were on the other foot your old man knew this kind of crap is a deal breaker.

By his own code he can't say much to you with regards to working this out !

It may not feel like it but you are handling this like a pro...the stars lined up...the access to intel, your confrontation, your responses to WH after, and all if it seemed like you had it all planned. lol lol lol

I won't tell anyone if you don't.

Way to fake it until you make.


[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 9:07 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]

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