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Being played. Paralyzed.

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Shockedmom posted 1/20/2019 14:35 PM

I am so glad you are receiving the care you need. Please let the hospital counselor listen and acknowledge your pain. When you are ready call your friend and your daughter, they love you and would want to be included in your healing. Continue to let you mind and body heal without the background noise of your WH.

Sending hugs and support and an ear to listen whenever you need one.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 1/20/2019 20:36 PM

(((Speedbump))) this is purely how I handled my situation right or wrong. I didnít know about BSís or online support or anything. I just reacted. I confronted on my DDay. I was so devastated but I knew for me that I wanted my marriage and loved my husband. I asked when I confronted if he wanted a divorce and he said no. I decided no matter what from then on he would see my pain. He needed to be there for me and if he couldnít or wouldnít it was over. I needed support and if we were going to stay together that had to be from him. And in a way I figured if he could deal with the mess he created and walk through the fire with me it helped me see if maybe we could recover. If I was having a meltdown at work I called him or text him. I told him I needed physical and emotional support. It took him a couple of weeks to start to see the enormity of the damage to me but he has gotten better and better. I told him what I needed and he stepped up. Not that it wasnít agony and I cursed him in person and by text whenever a thought or questions hit me. I asked him many times if he wanted out and told him I didnít blame him if he wanted out only that I blamed him for going about it wrong. I have also been careful about who I told. I knew if I told certain people that they would never accept him again and that would hurt our chances of reconciliation. Iím just rambling I guess but I guess Iím saying if you feel you need him to be there while youíre in the hospital then tell him. I wouldnít be calmer in there alone. I would atleast vent via a text and let him know what he has done to me. Youíre in my thoughts every day.

[This message edited by Thanksgiving2016 at 8:38 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]

susieque2 posted 1/20/2019 21:44 PM

IMHO -- your WH needs to know where you are. Perhaps a nurse or your physician could alert him as to your whereabouts and condition. You could instruct them not to let him in your room but they or your Dr. could update him as to your treatment and prognosis. This would be a real wake-up call for him.

Breathe deeply and please let others take care of you for now. You have time to inform your friend and daughter about your delay.

Take advantage of any mental health options available --- you need someone IRL to talk things out with! You've been carrying this burden for far too long!!


seekers posted 1/20/2019 22:18 PM

your WH needs to know where you are.

Her needs should take front and center now ( more than ever). His cruelty took enough of a toll on her health. Its now what is best for her. Him showing at the hospital bringing drama is the farthest thing she should be dealing with.

susieque2 posted 1/20/2019 22:34 PM

She's in a hospital with no family or friends close --- of course he should know --- they are still married and he would be listed as someone to contact!

Doesn't mean she has to see him --- he can be put on the no contact list.

heartbroken_kk posted 1/20/2019 23:00 PM

You get to decide who to tell what is happening. You are not dying and you have your faculties about you. You're just exhausted and undernourished, temporary conditions and quite treatable. I wouldn't notify your WH if I were in your situation, and I'd be heading to the airport as soon as I could go safely.

He is irrelevant.

kaygem posted 1/21/2019 00:01 AM

Hey SBump,

You poor sweet dear! SO so sorry you ended up in the hospital! PLEASE PLEASE, try for just 24 hours to let all infidelity thoughts and strategizing go and rest. Rest your mind and your body.
This happened to me to, but not in public. I didn't wind up in the hospital, but I probably should have. Don't be embarrassed, it happens to a lot of BS's. Sometimes I've wondered how we physically survive it all, but most of us do.

Most of all I hope for support for you IRL. You need that so much. No one deserves to be in a hospital bed alone, no one knowing about it. Praying for that for you, a sympathetic and loving ear for you. HUGS.

WifeInterrupted4 posted 1/21/2019 02:10 AM

Hi Speedbum,
Just finished reading the last few pages of your thread to get caught up. I'm so sorry to hear that you're in the hospital. Please don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. Like so many of us when experiencing something incredibly traumatic, appetite and sleep evades us.

Speaking from experience, I had a few hospital visits. Like you, I lost a lot of weight very quickly. The kicker was everyone noticed but my WH. It's so hard, but taking care of our physical health is something we just have to force. Reading these threads I found that people consistently tell us to focus on ourselves both emotionally and physically. And for good reason! We can't make sound decisions when we're sleep deprived or malnourished.

I found eating many little meals throughout the day as well as going on long walks to be helpful. Time helps too. The moment I decided to remove myself from infidelity, I felt some of the burden I was carrying around with me start to lessen. I may be sleeping in an empty but it sure beats those sleepless nights sleeping beside a monster.

Sending you the biggest hug!

Shockedmom posted 1/21/2019 02:11 AM

Checking in with you today. How are you feeling? Physically and mentally. Hopefully the enforced bed rest and fluids are working. I trust your employer and team are rallying around you during your recovery.

SpeedBump posted 1/21/2019 14:04 PM

Hi everyone - I am here and am doing what I am supposed to be doing including resting and trying to nourish myself. Thank you to everyone - Shockedmom, Thanksgiving, kaygem, Furious1, Steven, susieq, seekers, heartbroken_kk, WifeInterrupted, Cooley2Share, Guy123....really, just everyone, for your thoughts, advice, concern, cheerleading and just companionship. I'm beyond grateful.

I wanted to update that I took advantage of social services here and discussed my situation with a counselor who is helping me find an IC based on the private insurance I carry here. Spending that time talking about what I have been going through and how it has impacted me was like being able to breathe again after feeling like I was drowning. I look forward to finding a counselor and dealing with this with professional help.

But the big news is that H now knows I'm here, though not by me. I didn't call him - the airline did!!! Airline was trying to reunite me with my suitcase. He got the call and airline told him they had to remove my bag due to a medical emergency but they had no other details to give him. What a shock to have him show up this afternoon!!! Could he have called? No! He showed up here all concerned wondering if I was dead or whatever after he got the call. He called around and found me.

So now he knows. He reminded me he's my husband and is here to help while I reminded him how ironic it was that he was the reason I was here in the first place. I tried my hardest not to be snarky, mean, stressed, agitated, cross and every other thing I was feeling. I was trying for me, not for him and not wanting to make him feel bad. I told him I couldn't deal with 'us' right then and there but that we would have to do that eventually, on my time and terms.

He asked if he could stay and told him it would be more helpful if he could bring me my suitcase just so I could shower, put on clean clothes, brush my teeth, hair etc, and so he did. He brought me my bag and asked if he could stay for a while. I'm not gonna lie, I was torn, but I'm also not ready. Seeing him stressed me out after the shock wore off so I asked him to give me the space I need and to please just go home. He has apologized for "all of this" and has now gone. When he brought my suitcase, he brought me flowers. And a card. I have not opened it yet.

In the meantime, I have also heard from my daughter as my husband called her asking if she knew where I was. My phone had died so I couldn't make calls so with my husbands phone, I called her and told her all is well but that H and I were in a bad place, not to worry and I'd discuss with her when I was ready and feeling better. Work is fine with my taking some time away and I am in touch with colleagues who plan to come visit. They are offering whatever I need to help me get better, without knowing why I'm really here ... healing from a broken heart.

So I am no longer all alone but I am totally at a loss how to proceed with my H. He says he wants to be here for me but he's the last person I want here now. I literally can't look at him, though at the same time, I want him right here, not sure whether it's to punish him by seeing me like this, or to have the comfort of having someone near me. That was really confusing.

What a horrible mess. But for now, I'm not gonna let it bother me. I get another night here so I'm going to rest and not deal with it and try to hush my mind.

Edited to add:
I did text H to warn him that if he said one word to skank neighbor about this, ever said my name to her ever again, whether referring to me by name, TBB or anything else, I would never speak to him again. Ever!

He texted back not only would he never say a word to her about me and my circumstances, he would never text or speak to her again.

I said I call bull$h!7 on that one but to never, ever discuss me again!!!

[This message edited by SpeedBump at 2:18 PM, January 21st (Monday)]

susieque2 posted 1/21/2019 14:22 PM


Glad you getting support from social services as well as your work colleagues --- being able to talk about what you've been through is very therapeutic.

Let WH stew in his own juices for now --- your focus has to be on you and how you're feeling! You don't have to make any decisions now -- you have all the time you need to make decisions that will affect the rest of your life!!!

Please just rest, drink, eat and calm your mind!!! You are a very strong woman as you've already proven --

Sending you healing energy and peaceful thoughts -----

beauchateaux posted 1/21/2019 14:36 PM

Yeah, at this point, you need to focus on getting better. On top of that, you really don't owe him anything - he made this bed and he can go ahead and lie in it for awhile while you sort yourself out. He doesn't get to dictate anything anymore.

The flowers, the card, the sudden desire to be around you - this is the start of the love-bombing. It may escalate, or it may turn sour once he realizes that he can't fix all the emotional and mental damage he did with a bouquet - either way, stay strong and remember to only handle what you feel you can handle, one day at a time. Don't push yourself to meet anybody else's expectations on how to move forward - not ours, not other people in your life, and certainly not his.

We're here when you need the support. :) Now rest up, you need (and deserve) it.

Forks027 posted 1/21/2019 14:44 PM

Does the hospital youíre staying at allow the prevention of some visitors from coming to you? There might be a chance that the AP will try to visit. After all, she had no qualms texting you for triangulation.

Itís great that you take his words with caution, but Iíve seen stories where the AP visits the BS in the hospital under the guise of checking on them out of concern when they really just want to rub the A in the BSís face while theyíre already kicked down. And thatís from the WS still being in contact with them.

Sometimes, thereís really no limit to what level theyíll stoop. Iím sorry if I stir up paranoia, but Iím saying this out of the utmost concern and wanted to give you a heads-up.

For now however, focus on getting better. Wishing you strength.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 3:15 PM, January 21st (Monday)]

fareast posted 1/21/2019 15:45 PM


Please take the time in the hospital as an opportunity to get stronger and regain your health. That is the most important thing right now. Everything else is secondary.

[This message edited by fareast at 4:21 PM, January 21st (Monday)]

Thanksgiving2016 posted 1/21/2019 17:14 PM

I am relieved to hear your ok. If your WH has ceased contact with the OW there should be no way of her knowing what has happened to you. Rest. Long road ahead, but once you decide what you want it helps.

Shockedmom posted 1/21/2019 17:22 PM


I thought your WH might get wind of your hospitalization. Do what you need to protect yourself from further trauma right now. His desire to fix things is not as important as your health.

You have a wonderful team around you. Colleagues ready to help out, visit and provide genuine friendship are worth their weight in gold.

Glad you were able to connect with your daughter. Iím sure she was worried after that cryptic call from your WH.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

Furious1 posted 1/21/2019 17:46 PM


Take care of yourself.


Cooley2here posted 1/21/2019 21:17 PM

I think you are lonesome. You need a buddy with you.
Sending you hugs.

SpeedBump posted 1/21/2019 21:41 PM

My 3am entry again. At least this time it's after hours of rest, though hospitals aren't all that restful or peaceful, but better than home at this point.

I finally got over letting H words hold fear over me. I read his card. He says nothing is more important than getting me well and he'd like to help, if I'd let him. He's here for me in any way and at any time. Oh yes, and he is immensely sorry and always will be.

With that I can agree.

brkn_heartd posted 1/21/2019 22:09 PM

I am sorry you are in the hospital, but glad you are there and getting well. One think you might discuss is a sleeping aid. Right now sleep can be your best friend if you can find it. They can help you with that. It is obvious you still need help to physically heal.

It sounds like you handled seeing him perfectly. When sick....I know the feeling of the need of support. I can imagine how much of a pull that was....but you did great. He knows your position, he knows where you stand. Most of all, he knows he put you in the hospital. Keep being gentle with yourself and use the services to help you in healing and taking one step at a time.

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