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Being played. Paralyzed.

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Ginny posted 1/20/2019 04:39 AM

Oh, Speedbump. I wish I was there to give you a big hug. You have tried to be so strong through this infidelity mess. Sometimes itís just too much for oneís mind and body to comprehend!

Please know that all of us on here could tell you stories of brokeness. I suffered a lot mentally and physically for a long, long, time after walking in on my fwh in bed with a COW (a longtime friendly aquaintance of mine). I eventually ended up in the hospital, too.

You are not alone. You have vast numbers right here pulling for you - from all over the world! You may not feel like posting, but keep reading. Imagine us in your corner, literally, cheering you on.

SI saved my life, as it has many others. Lean on us. Youíre going to be ok. You are. I promise.

Right now, rest. Heal. Be kind to yourself and let those doctors and nurses do what they do best.

Much love from Virginia...

SpeedBump posted 1/20/2019 05:34 AM


He knew when you moved to a new country that you are the major breadwinner. I know from your posts that you would never make him feel less then or demean him in any way over the financial disparity. Yet as time goes along he is working only part time and doing sweat equity on the side with no real career. I think he grew to resent this situation, and since the reason this situation existed was due to your career move, he began to resent you. He referred to you as TBB, the big boss, which drips with resentment over his role which he sees as subservient, even though you never made him feel that way in the least.

This speaks volumes to me, not in a way that I'm trying to find a reasonable excuse for H but just in helping me understand any of this. I really and truly did feel what now seems like resentment from him. We started out our life here so excited we were here and would often say how unbelievable it was and how lucky we were to be living the dream. Over time he seemed less excited but normally we complained about the beauracracy we have to go through as immigrants and in general having to adapt and change to fit in. It never seemed that bad, though, and we seemed lucky that we had made new friends and we got out often. I suppose not being a breadwinner has ramifications I can't grasp as a woman. None of that matters to me and while I currently make more money, he does have his own money, as do I, from our lives before we met. We never fully co-mingled and agreed what was ours before would stay that way and we'd contribute to our joint life going forward. Our contributions shifted with this move and he has mentioned often how I give more financially but I remind him the value we get from all his hard work, too, and how we couldn't do it without him and his contributions. He has once or twice said I could always just hire someone so I guess he was telling me things and I didn't hear it. So of course I lay here in this bed now reflecting and getting upset...about so many things, like where is my suitcase and how do I explain this to my daughter without worrying her, and having to call my friend and tell her I'm delayed and letting work know by tomorrow and oh yeah, my husband is sleeping with the neighbor and played mind-f$#@ games with me the whole time, and for God's sake it had to be the neighbor!!

Ugh...ok. I'm supposed to be calm and peaceful. I know. I know. But the truth is I still am really struggling to eat and I wouldn't be getting any hydration or nutrition if it weren't for the needle in my hand!

I even want to text H and lash out, tell him I'm here and tell him it's all his fault and make him feel even a small fraction of what I'm feeling...but paralysis still owns me and so I'm stuck and do nothing at all. If not for SI, seriously, I don't know how I'd get any release.


fareast posted 1/20/2019 07:08 AM

Hi SpeedBump:

I hope you know that nothing I wrote was intended in any way as an excuse for your WHís horrendous behavior towards you. There is no excuse. You should feel no guilt whatsoever for any of this. All of this is his fault. You did your best to make the move to Europe the best experience possible for both of you. If he was not enjoying the experience and becoming resentful, he had hundreds of options to work with you or by himself to make a more fulfilling life in Europe. It really doesnít matter in the long run whether he was resentful, bored, happy or sad, nothing justified breaking his vows to you, beginning an A and treating you so cruelly. Nothing. Sorry to see that you suffered the panic attack. I didnít realize when I first posted this. Get the rest you need. Take all of the time you need to get stronger. Sending you mojo.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:53 AM, January 20th (Sunday)]

SpeedBump posted 1/20/2019 07:19 AM

Hi Fareast, you definitely did not make me feel bad. Your message(s) is helping me find clarity and that's a good thing. Please don't feel you are making me feel bad. I need input on this and yours is very valuable, in fact everything everyone has written has helped, if not only to just make me feel less lonely.

realitybites posted 1/20/2019 07:20 AM

Yes, many of us who have been there and done that so to speak understand what a toll this whole thing takes on ones' body and soul, we try to really push hard for self maintenance, water, vitamins, exercise, finding a good IC... all things a BS really needs in the beginning to "survive" infidelity. Meaning you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can battle other human beings.

Luckily you are now in the hospital and getting some much needed nourishment. Use the rest as time to heal, it will just be a few days delay for you and your plans, you are a smart capable woman and you will figure this out.

In the mean time get done what you can when you are awake from your computer, make some calls, touch base with those you love and re group.

[This message edited by realitybites at 1:45 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]

ShutterHappy posted 1/20/2019 07:24 AM


Donít try to explain or understand waywards behavior. Please donít. If you read enough stories here, youíll understand that there are no sane explanation.

Even if he had been the main breadwinner? It would have still happened.Even if you had been miss universe and found the cure for cancer and the OM 20 was years older than you, unemployed, single with 6 children from 5 different guys? It would have still happened.

The most likely explanation? He wanted sex and didnít care about the impact on you (sorry for being a bit brutal here)

If you wish to D, continue with NC, and detach. Sending him a text would just give him the attention he doesnít deserve. And his response will cause you more pain.

I send strength your way!

pureheartkit posted 1/20/2019 07:27 AM

You saved your own life, that's for sure. You are where you need to be.

HouseOfPlane posted 1/20/2019 07:45 AM

Speedbump, you need to be heard by a human who cares and understands. Youíve carried such a heavy, heavy load.

If you are in the hospital, they likely have grief counselors. You should maybe ask to speak with one. Youíve suffered a death in your marriage of your marriage, and the trauma youíve experienced is the equal of the death of a loved one, if not worse because of the accompanying betrayal. Itís time to give people a chance to help you, carry the pack for you a little.

Is your daughter his daughter too? You have grown children?

Thinking of you...

Furious1 posted 1/20/2019 08:20 AM

I am so sorry that you are in the hospital. I hope you have a speedy recovery.

He has once or twice said I could always just hire someone so I guess he was telling me things and I didn't hear it.

Please go back and read ChamomileTea's post. All people face problems. All marriage have rough spots. You are not responsible for the fact that your WH chose to handle those real life issues in the most destructive and hurtful way possible. Just because life isn't perfect does not mean that he had the right to have an affair with the neighbor. Nor did it give him the right to claim that he doesn't have a girlfriend. That sick bit of psychologically abusive gaslighting is just ridiculous after all of the stunts they pulled at your expense.

You are not responsible for his choice to cheat on you. Your life and your marriage hasn't gone perfectly thanks to him and yet you are not out there having an affair.

Take care of yourself.


Cooley2here posted 1/20/2019 09:52 AM

Please donít take this as gospel. I can only go on what you wrote. Could your husband possibly be on the spectrum? There is something about his behavior throughout your relationship, based on what you have written, that reads very much like mild Asberger syndrome. He doesnít like a lot of touching, he warned you about that in the beginning. He shows little empathy for you. His issue is, according to what you wrote, that he does not connect on a deeper level. The fact that he said nothing to you the night you fell on the floor says something. The non apology letter says something. Itís just amazing to me that this man, who was obviously bored, let a predatory woman into his life. He could be resentful but that makes no excuse for allowing this woman to invade your lives and your home the way she has. Somehow, it just seems to me, that his connection to other people is tenuous.

GrayShades posted 1/20/2019 10:12 AM

Oh Speedbump, I'm sorry about all of this but glad you're OK. Your sense of loneliness comes through. I wonder if you'll consider asking your friend or another loved one to come to you since you can no longer travel for the time being. You sound very strong and independent, but it would be gratifying to those that love you best to help you shoulder your burdens right now. Don't assume they can't do it, let them make that decision instead. And hang in there.

WasSheWorthIt posted 1/20/2019 10:32 AM

Hello SB.
Im so sorry this happened to you. Im sorry for all of us. We, none of us deserved any of this.
I've been following your story from the beginning but didnt feel the need to comment before now as you have had so much great support and advice from your ever growing online support group.
Please dont torture yourself trying to figure out why the POS did what he did.
All you need to know is that he did it because he WANTED too. There was no other reason.The end!!.
You sound like a lovely outgoing adventurous lady with morals and values. Dont let him take that away from you.
I know you love and trusted this "man" or should i say the man he wanted you to think he was.
At the end of the day you are still the awesome woman you always were - and what have you "lost"? An immoral, cruel, immature, selfish, self serving, entitled twat.
You wont realise it yet but you dont have him or his wee insecurities dimming your light anymore.
Eat sleep cry heal live love and laugh. However long it takes let your light shine bright again.
Wishing you peace and healing.

Stevesn posted 1/20/2019 10:53 AM


Sorry to read about what happened to you. I am also glad it happened before the flight and you are now getting the help you need to recover.

A few thoughts from me.

1- do you know when they will release you? Want to make sure you are fully recovered when they do. Where will you go from there? Back to a hotel? Perhaps you have made a friend you can rely on that can help you when discharged.

2- you should inform work what happened. You may still want to go to the states and talk to lawyers there and you wonít want this time in the hospital to count against your time off. How is your relationship with your boss? Perhaps you can confide w him or her what is going on in your life.

3- ive been wanting to say this for a while and now that you say you are able to take this time to reflect on everything I hope itís not upsetting if I send you some thoughts. Feel free to ignore them if they cause you any stress (easier said then done I know).

- Speedbump, your WH has acted like a real tool and has been utterly disrespectful of you and your M. Many BSís have said ďIím doneĒ and filed for D and moved on as any Infidelity is a dealbreaker to them. None of us would be surprised if thatís what you choose to do. Itís probably what he deserves.

- but Iíd be remiss if I didnít also mention that there are examples here of WSís who have realized how completely awful theyíve been, shattered by their own actions, found remorse and chosen to immediately do the right thing and begin to repair the devastation theyíve caused.

BSís that have taken a strong stance like you are more likely to see this type of reaction from their WS. And it has been possible for them to rebuild. The new marriage would be a different one. But it could be created on a more honest base with openness at its core. It may not be better, but different, and still can be good.

I tell you this not to change anything you are doing. On the contrary, I think you should still take your trip if you physically can and find out all you need about D and the steps youíd need to take to follow thru. Knowledge is strength. Keep up your strong approach to this awful situation.

But also keep up an open mind.

At this point we donít know if heís using the time to shack up with the POSOW or has totally shut her out.

If I and others here were advising him Iíd first ask him what he wants. If he wants the AP then Iíd tell him to be open and honest with you about that and try to be a reasonable participant in the D.

But if he said he thought the AP was a POS, canít believe how he hurt you, the woman he loves, and wants to do whatever you need to heal, even if it means you still D, then Iíd give a whole bunch of other advice.

How to behave as a remorseful WS after DDay is not something innately known. A WS has to learn what they need to do. Itís whether or not they are willing to actually do those things that shows how ALL IN they are.

So I recommend keeping an open mind for now.

Sure, go and talk to the lawyers. Even file for D if you feel you have to. But at some point Iíd recommend talking to your STBXH and discuss whether there is anything there to rebuild.

For you the answer may still be no. But a month from now you may think differently on this. You never know.

Take care of yourself for now. Youíre a good person and need to now heal physically along with emotionally.

I wish you well.

Starzen posted 1/20/2019 11:07 AM

SpeedBump, I am sending you the biggest virtual hug ever! I'm not glad you are in the hospital but yet at the same time this will help you feel better by getting well, and I'm glad you realize the importance of making time to care for yourself. Don't feel bad for feeling alone. Find the positive in that alone time, which hopefully will bring you PEACE from what these 2 did. You are away from it. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this, but you have handled it amazingly and I admire you!

PricklePatch posted 1/20/2019 11:13 AM

I am so happy you didnít get on the plane. Dehydration can thicken the blood which can lead to blood clots. I ended up in the hospital as well.

Take your time. Sending you mojo!

fareast posted 1/20/2019 11:39 AM

I want to second Stevesn thoughts. He has given you some excellent advice.

Ripped62 posted 1/20/2019 11:43 AM

Infidelity causes extreme harm to the betrayed spouse's mental and physical health.

Please put yourself first.

I am glad you are getting professional care. I wish I/we could come and sit with you at the hospital and assist you any way possible.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.


hardtimesinlife posted 1/20/2019 12:21 PM

SpeedbBump, I think you are an amazing woman and I wanted you to know that for every post on this thread there are so many others, like myself, who are silently sending you hugs and hope. Without posting. I decided to post today because you mentioned something that was so important to me many years ago. The thought that you were less lonely with the group here at SI sharing and responding. I wanted to add my support.

When I read you were in hospital I cried for you. I can't imagine the loneliness of being away from family and friends, being in hospital and trying to recover from this whole trauma. I hope you will reach out to your daughter. I'm imagining a young woman in her 20's or 30's who, while busy living her life, loves her mother with every fiber of her being. My daughter is 32 and I know I try to shield her from the pain I go through. I don't want to worry her, I want to be her hero, I don't want her to feel I'm a burden...the list goes on. But I have learned that adult daughters need to see that we are human, we hurt, we recover and we thrive. Why? Because it gives them strength and hope and comfort when/if they experience life's "speed bumps". It is also a necessary ingredient to a strong and close bond to the adults they have become.

I'm thinking of you, as are many other real people you will likely never meet. So here is my hug along with my wish for you to feel less lonely. (((speedBump)))

Booyah posted 1/20/2019 12:33 PM

Sorry to hear this SpeedBump but thank God you're where you need to be right now and focusing on your health.

As for your health that's what you NEED to focus on right now!!!

I know it's hard not to think about things while laid up in bed, but please try to put everything aside for the time being. This situation with your husband isn't going anywhere and will need to be dealt with in due time.

I know people are wanting you to think about things (how you got here, analyzing your H, and what direction to go moving forward etc) but for the Love of God AL OF THIS takes a back seat to your health right now and thinking about all of this crap us only going to get you worked up, angry, increasing anxiety, and you won't be able to deal with ANY of this if you're dead.


Please do NOT let your H know where you are. If you do he'll be up there at the hospital and right now SpeedBump you don't need the stress that will come with it.

Once you're released I would check into a hotel until you can fly back to the states.

Praying for you!

HouseOfPlane posted 1/20/2019 12:48 PM

I know people are wanting you to think about things...but for the Love of God ALL OF THIS takes a back seat to your health right now and thinking about all of this crap us only going to get you worked up, angry, increasing anxiety, and you won't be able to deal with ANY of this if you're dead.
A bunch of this to the power of 1,000,000

Focus, focus, focus on your health and well-being, Speedbump. The rest of it will all be waiting patiently, if not in fact constantly trying to stick its nose under the tent. Shoo it away for now.

Sending strength!

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