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Being played. Paralyzed.

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Furious1 posted 1/18/2019 17:18 PM

WTG SpeedBump! I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself through this.


Cooley2here posted 1/18/2019 19:05 PM

SB, at some point when you are calm ask him if he thinks he might be a sociopath. Tell him the torture they were doing shows neither of them has a conscience. If they could do it to you they are capable of harming others and he needs to take long look at himself. Tell him that he pulled out a gun to shoot you and shot himself in the foot instead. Your nicely planned life was thrown away for a person with no values so he has none either.
He needs to look deeply because the person he is is nothing special and neither is she.
I hope you get your legal questions answered while you are home and that your daughter and your friends give you lots of hugs.

Sharkman posted 1/18/2019 19:32 PM

Who gives a shit if he’s a sociopath? It’s no longer her problem.

SpeedBump posted 1/18/2019 19:55 PM

Who gives a shit if he’s a sociopath? It’s no longer her problem.

Exactly how I feel right now.

Cooley2Share - I'm trying really hard not to care about why this all happened because I start to head down the path questioning what I could or should have done differently. I spent weeks reading here learning, and finally accepting, that what was happening had nothing to do with me. If I start to care about his "why" I can't help but start to consider my role in this mess again. I don't want to do that. At least not right now. The only thing that helps me now is accepting that he wasn't who I thought he was and how I can avoid something like this in the future. His reasons are his alone and for him to figure out without my help or prodding.

Of course he had to reply to my message saying not to contact me. Basically he said he understood and that me needing to be far far away from him and all of this "horrible mess" was understandable and when/if I was ready to contact him, he'd be there. He said he fully understood my "mandate" and would fully respect it and I should not worry. Lastly, he said he had no girlfriend, only a wife he wants to love again, if I'd let him.

And there you have it.

Cooley2here posted 1/18/2019 20:52 PM

I certain do not mean to question him while all this is going on. I meant when the dust had settled. Where was this person while you were married? What caused him to become vicious, or was he always this way? There is nothing you did. He had this in him to be this person. What did he get out of it? This was game playing at a nasty level. Does he think he can say he understands why you need to leave the “horrible mess” when he is the one who caused it? I guess I am fascinated with why he enjoyed torturing you. I cannot imagine he thinks all will be well again. And the idea that the monster next door was trying to contact you to keep that sick game going is disgusting.
I read your information again. You tried to be an understanding wife about all the rules he had about affection but it doesn’t sound like a loving husband. It sounds like a cold hearted man who made sure his wife lowered her expectations about who she married.
My suggestion was only that, a suggestion. I wrote it as I was watching a show about a very good looking, very seductive con artist who finally was killed. It is a true story and one of the reasons I suggested what I did was how believable the man was to everyone. It made me wonder just how your husband gave himself permission to treat you so badly or if he is just really that bad.

SpeedBump posted 1/18/2019 21:19 PM


You tried to be an understanding wife about all the rules he had about affection but it doesn’t sound like a loving husband. It sounds like a cold hearted man who made sure his wife lowered her expectations about who she married.

I think this is the greatest take away for me. I did lower my expectation and gave up something that is important to me...warm and demonstrative affection. I thought it was OK to balance that with what I thought he offered elsewhere, stability and loyalty. Well, I guess this taught me! I won't be relenting on such important matters going forward.

Well, guess that good sleep is elusive again. Here I am. 3:18AM! Sigh....

k8la posted 1/18/2019 21:35 PM

His last sentence is demonstrating he is still gaslighting, still playing his sick psycho game.

I would suggest changing your phone number next.

What a mind-f!

I hope your trip to the states is restful and clearing for you.

TheGuy123 posted 1/18/2019 21:36 PM

Some one needs to contact a mod.....this thread has been hacked...the women. 8 pages ago is not the same person!!!

I'm not sure what's going on here but the SpeedBump that started this thread is not the same SpeedBump that just posted!!!

And that's a damb good thing cuz the SpeedBump that started this thread sucked. I like the new one way better.

Did you hit him? Did you hit him?

Can I hit him?

TheGuy123 posted 1/18/2019 21:41 PM

Good job!

fareast posted 1/18/2019 22:20 PM


Take some time when you get home to do nice things for yourself and enjoy being away. Please take care of yourself and get stronger. It is always foolhardy to try and understand a complex relationship like a M from reading Internet forum posts. But I think if you ever go back and read the posts in this thread you will get some clarity. At least from my perspective. One of the hardest things for me to grasp in a relationship is that even though my fWW and I may discuss a life question ad nauseum and come to a decision we both agree on, that does not mean that as we move forward implementing the decision that their still is not resentments that develop and fester. You mentioned more than once that your WH harbored resentments against you that you were not aware of. That is because he was ashamed to admit that he harbored any resentment.

You both agreed and wanted to move to Europe and are both there on resident visas. He knew the move was so that you could work on a major project which has a major benefit for both of you when it ends. He knew when you moved to a new country that you are the major breadwinner. I know from your posts that you would never make him feel less then or demean him in any way over the financial disparity. Yet as time goes along he is working only part time and doing sweat equity on the side with no real career. I think he grew to resent this situation, and since the reason this situation existed was due to your career move, he began to resent you. He referred to you as TBB, the big boss, which drips with resentment over his role which he sees as subservient, even though you never made him feel that way in the least. Boredom and too much time on his hands to pout led to some terribly hurtful decisions. The OW tapped into this resentment and your WH made awful, cruel decisions to let this resentment drive his A. All along you were the caring and compassionate spouse but he let his resentments over the situation fester, even though he totally agreed with the move to Europe in the first place. His response to the confrontation that you have posted suggests that he is ashamed he let his resentments go this far. Of course shame is not remorse. None of this is an excuse. Everything he did to you was totally inexcusable. But I do believe it was motivated by resentment over his current situation. Just my take and probably not worth much, but Inthought I’d put it out there. You are doing well. Strength to you moving forward.

pureheartkit posted 1/18/2019 22:42 PM

Speedy, safe trip back home.

You told the truth and they must face it. I'm happy no one is hurting you any more.

I was worried that you might feel trapped or get drawn in by lies. Spending time with people who love you is just what you need. If you want to talk, were always here for you.

Cooley2here posted 1/18/2019 23:04 PM

Just a couple of things. You said you lost 20 pounds in a month. If my husband had done that I would force him to go to the doctor. Your husband sort of suggested it but did nothing more. “La de dah. Just my wife who is known to my mistress as TBB. Nobody special enough to get her to a doctor”

He put his present to her under the tree in another sick joke where you could possibly find it.

He does not like affection from you.

Where was he for 7 years after his wife died?

Why won’t he talk to you about his wife?

You say this marriage was not bells and whistles but it was a good one for a while. So, he decides to have a little fling with the added bonus of rubbing your nose in it without you suspecting.

I think you need to see a therapist while you are home to hear what a professional thinks of his behavior.

This is all on him. You did nothing to cause this..

Have a safe trip.

kaygem posted 1/19/2019 01:12 AM

Hey Speedbump, I was so busy today I didn't get to check on your thread until midnight. I've been thinking about you a lot.

What relief I felt reading your post! Those bitch boots really came out of the closet and kicked some butt! SO proud of you! That was a really healthy confrontation (so to speak). YOU DID A GREAT JOB! Let him stew in his misery. GAME OVER.

HouseOfPlane posted 1/19/2019 07:32 AM

SB, at some point when you are calm ask him...
To ask him something is to want something from him.

If he knows he has something you want, he knows he has leverage, and therefore an opportunity to manipulate (or to genuinely be honest with you, but who could tell?) Just another chance for him to grab the narrative back. I’d be awful wary about giving him that chance.

Your confrontation was one of the best handled I’ve ever seen here. Props, Speedbump!

Sending (even more) strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 9:53 AM, January 19th (Saturday)]

Freeme posted 1/19/2019 15:17 PM

I'm glad you are home and have the live support you need.

Lastly, he said he had no girlfriend, only a wife he wants to love again, if I'd let him.
Your WH affair and the way he and OW treated you were horrible. The games were the worst I'd ever read about on here. That said I don't think this was an exit affair. I think your WH was an idiot and OW took advantage of that. You should not reply to his message and truly use this time to get your ducks in a row and think about what you want and need. I found the line about him not having a girlfriend interesting. Do you think he means that he didn't have an affair? or that he dumped her? Or that she never meant anything to him? You can easily find out when you feel up to checking their messages again on the ipad. Fist bump for not revealing your sources... he might think OW was the one that told you, or that you had a spy camera, or that a neighbor saw them together during your last business trip. I question if he knows the extent of your knowledge and kept quite because he didn't want to lie or incriminate himself.

brkn_heartd posted 1/19/2019 16:54 PM

I am just catching up on your thread. You have done an amazing job...and I know how hard is was/is. I am also a professional woman, went through much of what you did...paralyzed and couldn't pull the plug...couldn't confront. It took me months, while like you I was falling apart in front of him and he didn't care. He also inquired about me...but really didn't care as he was only worried about his own needs.

My regret even today, is that I didn't stand up for myself like you did. I did eventually stand up but was not as strong as I had wished. Given the similarities, I would expect him to become refocused on you and be very what ever you ask...etc. However, the ego kibbles he got from OW will continue to erode his soul and he will be pulled into the mess.

Keep yourself have done an amazing job by not checking or 'ruminating' over the past and his why's. I did that at nauseam....that was some of my downfall. Take care of will find sleep again....I was also a 3am no sleep person. For the first few months I was lucky if I got 2 hours a night when I went to bed. Take care of healthy, avoid alcohol right now...walk, get fresh air...etc.

Sending you support.

SpeedBump posted 1/20/2019 03:27 AM

Team SI this is not the update I wanted to give. I was thinking of not saying anything at all and staying away for a bit but then I feel as I have been doing nothing but taking from all of you and maybe in this case I could share real ramifications for not following the wise and oft-repeated advice we read here. The veterans here all really do know the right things to do when this happens to us but we're so fixated on the infidelity and our waywards that we lose sight of us.

And so I write you this message from a hospital bed with an IV in my arm. I haven't made it home to the US. I never got on my flight. It's so embarrassing to even share but I started shaking and having heart palpitations in the airport lounge and I passed out. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance and so here I am ... suffering from dehydration,malnutrition and exhaustion, something I always thought only happened to famous people. After really consulting with the physician here and literally blurting out way too much, she feels I likely suffered a panic attack brought on by all the stress. She tells me the combination is dangerous and I need to take it seriously and recommends I wait at least a week to fly home -- to get my strength up, as my weight loss was drastic and I'm hovering on the dangerously low side at 100 lbs (45 kgs.) and I am very dehydrated.

I saw and read and absorbed everything you were telling me about taking care of myself but I never heeded to it. It was all I could do to get through the day and hunger, thirst and sleep completely eluded me so I was never reminded by my own body to replenish, even though intellectually I knew I had to. So please, do take it from me to listen to those telling you to do this!!! There's a reason they are...they know better than us! They've walked our shoes and know from experience!! Please listen. Don't be like me, now lying here hooked up to machines and being forced to take stalk of the lack of care I've shown myself.

I'm just glad it didn't happen on the plane. I'd hate to have been the reason the plane was forced to land! H does not know. I haven't reached out. I feel very much on my own and it's a very sad time right now for me, feeling so alone and very sorry for myself.

I'm reading messages and wanting to write back but I'm so tired and this IV sucks and hurts and makes it harder to type but I thought this message was important as a public service announcement.


Buster123 posted 1/20/2019 03:51 AM

I'm very sorry this happened to you, but I'm glad you're stabilized and hope for a quick recovery, take care of yourself and contact family in the US by phone or email, you need their support, if you need our support we'll be here but by all means if you need to take some time off from SI go ahead and do so, do whatever makes you feel better, please know things WILL get better with time.

Edie posted 1/20/2019 04:11 AM

It's so embarrassing to even share but I started shaking and having heart palpitations in the airport lounge and I passed out. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance and so here I am ... suffering from dehydration,malnutrition and exhaustion, something I always thought only happened to famous people.

Nothing to be embarrassed about. This happened to me too - also in a foreign country, not long after Dday, my first ever panic attack, it was very severe, it felt like a heart attack. It’s a valuable lesson to learn, this self care- be thankful you have learnt it now. A few days’ rest and nutrition in a hospital with people taking care of you sounds an extremely good thing. Read lots of positive news, meditate, chat with other patients, spread good will and cheer, your time there will pass quickly enough and you may look back at it as very blessed.

Hug, you are doing very well!

steadychevy posted 1/20/2019 04:22 AM

I was so sorry to read this, SpeedBump. You aren't the first this has happened to and you won't be the last. This is a result of extreme stress and trauma. When you're barely functioning enough to work and put one foot in front of another the reality of doing the basics slips by and gets ignored. It isn't high on the priority list. Now the message got through. Start doing it now.

I couldn't eat solid food. Couldn't swallow. I'm a good eater and not fussy but it made me wretch and puke. I could drink liquids, though. I was functioning (if it could be called that) on coffee and beer. My WW watched what was happening and bought me meal replacement drinks. I wouldn't have thought of it. That got some nutrition into my system, at least.

That was an important message for you to bring to the JFO newbies. Thank you.

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