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Being played. Paralyzed.

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fareast posted 1/18/2019 07:19 AM

Well done SpeedBump. Itís cathartic to unload that mess of emotional pain and trauma your WH has heaped on you. You were eloquent and courageous. I am glad you pointed out their sick cruel games and how devestating they are to you. Now, please eat and take care of you. You need your strength back as you proceed ahead. Very proud of you.

SpeedBump posted 1/18/2019 07:21 AM

I am really and truly humbled by all your thoughts, comments and the time each is taking to lift me up through this amazing difficult time. I know I would have never been able to get through this without your collective wisdom, advice and support. I'm not going to second guess how in the world it took me so long to confront this or why I let them drag on so long. I'm just going to be thankful for all your support and to be grateful you all propelled me to action and that I'm no longer paralyzed with fear about this.

H is still eerily quiet, giving me a wide berth and kind of slinking in the background. He's speaking only if spoken to and looks a mess. Seems he's finally the one not sleeping and I'm happy to pass that burden to him.

I packed a suitcase and told him I'm going to the US. I booked a flight for tomorrow and tonight I'll go stay near the airport and get away. He asked how long I would be gone and I just shrugged and said I had no idea. He said he was sorry for the texts he sent me yesterday and I told him I had no idea what he was talking about because my phone was still off. He said, "well, just please know I'm sorry about them and well, so much more."

And now I'm at my office, out of the house and have no idea what happens from here and right now, it really doesn't matter. I'm just so relieved it's all out and the crushing pain of their cruel game is over. Well, the pain isn't gone but it's no longer piling on me and I feel like I can breathe again, even with constantly being on the verge of tears.

I'm just so grateful to all of you. Immensely grateful. Thank you.

SpeedBump posted 1/18/2019 07:32 AM

I also want to add that he has no idea how I know and never asked. I never revealed my source and never actually referred to the messages and cruel "dare you" games. I just kept referring to them as being juvenile, psycho, sick and twisted to treat me as they did. The most he ever did was shake his head in disbelief. I have no idea what he was thinking or even where his head is at now. I left with my suitcase while he watched and never said good-bye.

ChamomileTea posted 1/18/2019 07:53 AM

Very smart. He's got to be wondering though. I know you've made a point not to look lately, but it might be worth a peek just to see if they've been plotting any more subterfuge. It's difficult, but knowledge is power.

((huge hugs))

ETA: Be aware though that leaks can be manipulated once they're known. If he figures out that you've got a source, he can try to exploit it with misinformation.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 7:56 AM, January 18th (Friday)]

Furious1 posted 1/18/2019 08:01 AM

I agree that knowledge is power. When you read his messages that he sent while your phone was turned off, keep in mind that this is how he acts when he thinks he has the upper hand of knowing what is going on and believes that you are none the wiser. I would save those texts for your attorney. If you do read their exchanges, make sure to make a picture of all of it, but remember that they will probably be paranoid about how you found out so that they cover their tracks better.

Hugs to you, SpeedBump. You handled that so well and I am so glad that you have released all of that pent up, toxic stress back on the jerk that it belonged on. Have a safe trip home.


steadychevy posted 1/18/2019 08:02 AM

I haven't commented before on your thread, SpeedBump, at least I don't think I have. You've gotten a lot of good input from all those who have commented. Many suggestions have been made that you can sort through and make up your mind about how to proceed. I'm so impressed about the clarity and strength you've shown. You don't see it but believe us who have been through the same trauma that you are doing remarkably well. It is your life and your decisions to make. My very best wishes and support for you.

The reason I wanted to chime in was about sobbing uncontrollably and sleeping so well. I haven't sobbed like that for a long time but did last year. It was because of a video posted on SI that I watched. It struck me so hard I did the exhausting, gut wrenching sobbing. I went to bed right after and had the best sleep I had for years and haven't had since.

I discussed that with my psychologist. She said that kind of emotional release is cleansing and healthy. Good to know. I thought I was going backward.

I hope you're able to make great progress on your trip back to the states. I hope you're in a fault state.

Your WH watched you leave. He's watching his meal ticket drive away. Be very careful about what comes next. Love bombing, hoovering, damage control, etc. Stay strong for you.

Ripped62 posted 1/18/2019 08:07 AM

You are doing very well. Many of us have or are still riding the emotional rollercoaster. The trip to the US was an excellent idea.

Take the time to rest if possible. It would also be a good time to develop a plan for moving forward. If possible and if you have time you may wish to discuss your situation with an attorney in the US even if just by phone.

Please drink plenty of water, eat if able, and rest. This crap is so tiring and physically damaging. It takes a concerted effort to take care of your health.

I suggest that you maintain no contact and allow him/them to stew in the mess they have made of their lives. This is for you so that you can detach a little from the relationship to give yourself space so that you are able to look at things objectively and do what is best for you based upon your needs.

No longer give him your travel schedule or discuss what you are up to. Come and go as you please. I feel it is best to implement the hard 180.

Thank you for sharing about leaving with the suitcase without saying goodbye. I loved the imagery. It reflects that you have found your voice and demonstrates your strength.

You have seized the narrative. Never give it back to your wayward husband. When he had it he abused you and treated you cruelly. He should never have allowed someone as disordered as the other woman into your life.

You deserve none of what he has put you through. It is clear the type of person you are and you are clearly the prize here. You deserved to be treated in a wonderful loving fashion....not this. I am glad you have taken the steps to stop it.

You are processing the pain and trauma. The trip should help. You will grieve. It is part of healing.


childofcheater posted 1/18/2019 08:17 AM

Good for you SB!! I would definitely be reading those texts and saving them. I would also read the iMessages. It will give you the only honest look at what he's thinking. It will help you when he inevitably wants to talk and make excuses. U can use them first with your lawyer and also to help gauge actions vs words. Sometimes as u said people can be award winning actors. He may eventually act remorseful but a look at what he's bsaying behind your back can help you fortifybyour defenses. Stay strong and we're all rooting for you

nothisfriend posted 1/18/2019 08:22 AM

I'm so very very proud of how you have handled this.

Freeme posted 1/18/2019 08:31 AM

Thank you for sharing the confrontation with us. I tend to think it's best to just go NC if you know you are headed toward divorce because so many BS have trouble with the confrontation. You didn't. You came of looking and sounding like the prize and him like a sicko. Putting that in writing will help others here with their confrontation.

He said he was sorry for the texts he sent me yesterday and I told him I had no idea what he was talking about because my phone was still off. He said, "well, just please know I'm sorry about them and well, so much more."
I found it interesting that he was more concerned about the texts than all of the other stuff. I wouldn't be surprised if he had started accusing you of all of the things he/OW had been doing to you (cheating, games, abuse...). Your talk last night would have been eye opening to him in light of those texts...he would have experienced an oz of what you had been going though.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 1/18/2019 08:35 AM

(((Speedbump))) take some time to think about what you want now. And what you want may change over time so donít feel you ever have to stick with a decision. The next year or so wonít be easy but it does get better. Some days I couldnít believe it ever would. But it does. I suspect right now he is wondering about how he got here and how could he have turned into this person. I think itís likely , though I definitely could be wrong, that he is letting her know itís over. I hope you can enjoy some of your trip. Even a few minutes of happiness makes us feel more ourselves each day.

Also the thing about the floor being dirty is something my brain does. I do it all the time. I think itís a weird coping mechanism I have. I can be so upset and having a huge argument and think something like i need to clean the windows.

Gutpunch posted 1/18/2019 08:55 AM

((((Awkward Stranger Hug))))

Kudos to you for the strong confrontation.

The stupid games they played literally made me
sick to read.

They deserve each other.

Please never look back.

Something great is in your future.

Just have to get thru this "speedbump" first.

pearlamici posted 1/18/2019 09:14 AM

Hugs to you SpeedBump where ever you are !!

childofcheater posted 1/18/2019 09:15 AM

Safe travels SB!

GrayShades posted 1/18/2019 09:20 AM

Speedbump, you did good. You let him know that you are worth so much more than this. Instead, he's cast his lot with someone who is cruel and ugly. I suspect you did a lot to snap him out of his fun little bubble. I was 'lucky' in that I never got to see my WH's communications with AP. Much like you, I did let him know immediately that this would not stand. I was not going to play the pick-me game at all. Unlike you, we're in R, but if I had any evidence that he disrespected me with that POS, we wouldn't be. Glad to know you've found your voice. (((Hugs)))

Terrain posted 1/18/2019 10:26 AM

I admire how you have handled this awful situation. You have handled this with grace, honesty and control.

Stay strong! Welcome back to the US!!

inthedark99 posted 1/18/2019 12:10 PM

speed bump, your strength and courage is simply amazing.
you were dealt a shitty hand and you played it beautifully. with your head held high. kudos to you.

please update as you move further along. we are all cheering for you. safe travels back home.

SpeedBump posted 1/18/2019 15:22 PM

I made it through the day and now at a hotel for the night. Finally turned my phone on and before I could even read his texts, I just deleted his entire thread. I didn't even want to go down that path. At this point, I just feel it's best for my sanity. One day, I'll look at the iPad again and see what there is to see but I just am so raw and the curiosity isn't killing me right now.

I sent H an email and told him not to contact me and that if and when I was ready, I'd reach out. I also told him that if his girlfriend ever stepped one foot on the property again, I'd know about it and I would burn the house down and I wasn't kidding. I know, dramatic, but it is how I feel. I told him to do their dirty business at her house but she was never, ever to be in my house again.

I've reached out to a dear friend to let her know I'm on my way back for a visit and would love to see her and have a lot to talk about. We've known each other over 30 years and I know I'll be safe with her and her family. My daughter is happy I'm coming, too, but I haven't told her anything. She is so busy with school and work so I'll gauge how much to burden her with this, if at all, when I see her.

Neighbor sent me texts, too, the evil witch. They were from yesterday,before coming home and confrontation and were as though she was trying to get info for H on when I'd be home so maybe we could all have wine. What a cow! I blocked her but not before telling her to F OFF AND NEVER STEP FOOT IN MY HOUSE AGAIN!!!

Oddly, I have a calmness about me I haven't had in months. Even as it is all falling around me, it's better than where I was yesterday and the day before. Onward and...well, not sure about upward, but definitely onward.


Shockedmom posted 1/18/2019 15:52 PM

Their warts have been exposed and they will be in CYA mode. Who cares? They donít deserve another moment of your time and attention.
So glad you have reached out to a good friend. Iím sure she will offer as much support as you want at this point.

Journaling might be helpful as you are still in traumatic shock mode. You will forget little things and time will slip by so take extra care of yourself. I donít remember if you have already had a STD test, if not please do this ASAP.

You have been remarkable in the short time you have been dealing with this. Stay true through your course towards healing.

Booyah posted 1/18/2019 16:24 PM

That "calmness" is from you taking control of the situation and facing your fears.

When we're blindsided by something in life our minds ramble any and everywhere about what to do and the possible outcomes AND it's human nature to think up visions of things being way worse than they actually will play out (most of the time).

You faced your H.
Said what you had to say.
Got that HUGE monkey off your back that you've been carrying around for quite awhile.
Got you a good night of sleep and when you woke up your spirit is telling you that you're going to be ok.
Not just get through this but you're going to have peace and happiness and everything you deserve.

I have to say SpeedBump, you may not feel like it, but you are one STRONG and COURAGEOUS woman, and on behalf of SI thank you for sharing your story as it's going to help countless others who come here and by sharing your testimony it's going to give them something they desperately need and that's HOPE.

Please confide in your daughter when you get home. If she's anything like her mother (and I'm sure she is) she'll be able to handle it.

Safe travels back to the states and please be a good friend to yourself. Take care of yourself and do some nice things with your friend and daughter.

God bless and please continue to keep us posted.

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